Warcraft: Orcs & Humans Part #12 - Act 8: What the hell are you all doing down here?

Part 12: Act 8: What the hell are you all doing down here?

Act 8: What the hell are you all doing down here?

: Chieftain... what are we doing here?

: ...research.

: Research. Right next to the human capital. With no army to fight...

: And you brought a war band. All this for research?

: Yes?

: Research all over humans faces.

: ...Chieftain, are you certain that's all you have to say?

: Well...

Earlier...

: Necksmasher.

: Who the hell are you? Where's the Warchief?

: You work for me now. Any more questions?

: Just the obvious "Why the hell you're carrying around Blackhand's severed head still!?"

: I need you to do something for me.

: I mean, that thing has to be a week old or something by now...

: It will be dangerous, but I feel that your men are up to the task.

: And the smell, daemon blood, that smells awful!

: Are you listening?

: Are you still holding on to that damn head? Throw it away already!

: Focus, Necksmasher! I need you to retrieve something for me... A certain someone.

: Oh, and let me guess, then I'll have to kill them.

: What? What the hell kind of logic is that?

: Well, I- it's nothing. Go on.

: Her name is Garona. She's being held by the humans. I need you to rescue her.

: Gotcha, take my death wagons, crush a town, and get you laid.

: Not a fan of jokes.

: This will also be a more... subtle mission.

: Ugh. "Subtle"... code for boring.

: Garona is held in a place known as "Northshire Abbey." I want your men to sneak in and rescue her.

: Easy enough. You forget how amazing my men are.

: You realize this human abbey is located next to the human castle?

: I... I...

: And this is between you and me. If the other men hear about this, I'll carry your head around as well.

At the abbey...

: I hate you, Doomhammer.

: Chieftain?

: Nothing. Nothing. Just research. Speaking of which-

: -we have test subjects.

: Rrrrragh!

: Eh?

: Yes, well... it seems that the test subjects are proving... resourceful in requesting aid.

: Now we must apply the proper amount of force vis-à-vis their faces.

: Vivivi! SMASH!

: Yes. These experiments are adequate.

: So can we leave now? This is dangerous enough.

: ...Noooooooo. We still have to... test... human skeletal resilience.

: Ugh. Really, now?

: Necrolyte!

: Now let's have it do some jogging in any old direction. Oh, like... a scouting pattern perhaps.

: Nigel this is getting embarrassing.

: Commencing human fist on human door test!

This was impressive as hell when I was younger. I just destroyed scenery!

: Mmm. Fascinating.

: Mmm. Faceting.

: You two are idiots.

: It good he not hear you. Too busy looking under rocks.

: Huh? Oh, yes. Experimental rocks! Vilefeast, look in those cells there. We might find her.

: Her?

: ...Yeeeesssss. About that. We're looking for the fabled "female" human. Yes. That's it.

: Actually, come to think of it, I haven't seen any female humans.

: Precisely!

: Me hear they have large trunks. Often with junk inside.

: Fascinating...

: No junk trunk here. Just orc.

: Orc? Lemmeseelemmeseelemmesee!

: Ugh. No. Get out of my sight.

: Chieftain can you kindly tell me exactly what's going on?

: Absolutely, we- What's that over there!?

: Hmm? Just a local brigand. Nothing that Vilefeast's men can't take care of. Now if yo... Where did he go?

Brigands are what would happen if you armed peasants to fight. They're pathetically weak and do next to no damage. Best of all, they usually attack one at a time, making them a mere speed bump. They do have their uses, however.

: He leave while you talk. Talk no good, you know.

: Well then. I suppose I'll take care of the expedition without him. Necrolyte, we'll need a new scout!

: Now let's see what this abbey has to offer.

: Spiders.

: Brigands. Ugh... what a dull place. Isn't this like a church for the humans? Why are there thieves living down here?

: It basement. Anything okay in basement. No one ever see, so it okay.

: ...Just go look for Nigel.

: Chieftain. Me find you.

: Uhh... zug-zug.

: Huh? Chieftain...?

: Dabu.

: Oh. Me sorry. Me thought you were someone else. You see orc with hat, monocle, and cloak like yours?

: Check up north.

: Uhhh...

: Top. Look topward.

: Gotcha.

: Chieftain? Rrrrr... where chieftain!?

Back in the depths of the abbey...

: Excellent! The careful planning is successful once more. The spider has been felled, fellow orcs, and we are prepared to continue our scouting.

: Hell.

: What the hell, Bloodgut? You are the dumbest strategist ever! Men, charge forward and use the sharp parts of your weapons!

: Effective.

: Well then, welcome back Nige-

: Chieftain.

: Chieftain. Care to explain what we're doing here yet?

: Using my awesome powers of "I'm better than you" I will refuse to answer the question. Now let's do some scouting.

: Doors. This place is a stunning design of poor planning. Nice, sturdy doors in dirt and stone caverns. Yup. These humans are idiots.

: Chieftain! My hand is stuck in a skull again.

: ...Why do you open your mouth when I call other people stupid?

: To breathe.

: Before I point out that you're too stupid to breathe-

: Awwww...

: -this door has already been broken down. What in the Twisting Nether?

Skeletons also exist as NPC monsters in this game. And yup, they even got different portraits! I don't really see the need for two portraits, but it must have been important enough to fight for. Also, these skeletons are stronger than ours.

: AHH! SCARY!

: Vilefeast, it's a skeleton. We see them all the time.

: No! This different! Scary!

: We have such competent soldiers.

: Oh, and it seems that the humans did station some men down here with the undead abominations, spiders, and thieves. This place is backward-town.

: Are we even ones to talk? We make a habit out of bringing our soldiers back to life.

: Yeah, we don't keep them as pets. Could these people be any weirder?

: Wow.

: Ask a stupid question...

Yeah, there's a lot of weird enemies down in Northshire Abbey's basement. Blizzard does a pretty good job of explaining this all away, saying that a call to arms went out that the local thieves answered, in hopes of getting some of Stormwind's gold. The spiders and skeletons were just magical cast off that roamed around. The ogre? Apparently they were locked up with the orcs but somehow escaped. However, we haven't even seen the "wtf moment" of what Northshire Abbey has to offer.

: Ogre! Huurrrrah! We smash!

: Why does that not scare him?

: You haven't learned to just let certain questions go unanswered?

: Let's do this.

: SMASH.

: Once he gets going... ah, Vilefeast. You're an amazing... thing.

: People get lost in me all the time.

: What?

: Just... just let it go.

: More ogre! Hurrah!

: Turned him into a fine red mist. Well, I must say that's new.

: I've come to expect it. Thankfully I haven't been on the receiving end.

: Why didn't I think of this earlier? Necrolytes! I want you searching for an orcish woman!

: So, chieftain, ready to come clean here?

: Well... I suppose. But I'm going to lie to you along the way.

: At least he honest about it.

: We're looking for an orcish woman named Garona.

: Garona? Spymaster and assassin for the Shadow Council!?

: With the making up words again. Anyway, she's being held here, and we're going to free her.

: But, why?

: Uhhh...

: ...because we need to get Vilefeast some action?

: ...

: I hope this is that lying part you mentioned.

: Earthblood, me too.

: Hey where's Vilefeast?

: Me coming Garona!

: Ahhh! Icky!

: Erhm.

: Oooh, she lay out red carpet for me.

Back with Nigel and Bloodgut...

: Hmm? Chieftain?

: Ambush from behind!

: A slime. I'm quivering in my pilfered clothing.

At certain intervals, you will get attacked by "wandering" monsters, that will actually tear down the doors to get to your army. Fortunately they only come one at a time, so it's hard to fall to them.

Back with Vilefeast...

: Garonaaaaaaaaa!

: Ehh? Door?

: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

: What in the ancestors?

: Vilefeast?

: HHHHHHHH- Oh, hey.

: What's going on!?

: Huh? Oh, me forget.

Remember when I mentioned enemies pursuing?

: Is it getting hotter in here?

: Yes, it does feel that way.

: I suppose its better. I was getting tired of cold and dank.

: Yeah. It hot like fire guy I saw.

: The fire... what? Vilefeast- OH, BLOODSPIT FROM THE NETHERS!

: Yeah. That him.

: What are you waiting for!? Kill it!

: How, chieftain?

: Only one way...

: SMASH.

Most awesome attack animation: It's melee attacks are animated as a catapult attack. It's splash and it hurts and it's awesome. Also, why the fuck is there a fire elemental living under Northshire Abbey? Loose magic? Crazy plan to guard Garona? Who knows.

: Uhh...

: Hahah! It works!

: ...that young man is on fire.

: Most honorable way to die. With head burning like warrior's soul.

: ...What.

: Vilefeast, you admire those corpses that you call fortunate. Bloodgut, you have a new job: bring me back that woman.

: What? Why me?

: Let's be honest here, you're the most expendable person here. If we have to fight anymore living embodiments of hatred and fire, well, I'd prefer if you died a warrior.