Part 27: What the hell, dwarves?

What the hell, dwarves?

Alright, enough of a break... let's do this.

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Okay, this is one hell of a war going on up here in Azeroth. For those of you familiar with the geopgraphy of Azeroth, you may be saying, "What the hell are those dwarves doing not helping?"

Short answer, they're total dicks.

When dwarves were first introduced to the humans, they were still a fledgling of a race (having emerged from the Titan city of Uldaman where they evolved from earthen; creations of the Titans). The humans, kind, benevolent souls that they are, taught the dwarves what they could of the land; speaking the common language, opened trade, and even taught them about the Light. The dwarves then assisted by thanking the humans and holing up in Ironforge, north of Stormwind.

There they lived a life of peace, crafting, trading, making peace with the local gnomes... As we all well know, this cannot last long in the world of Azeroth. Everytime a child get's an ice cream cone in that world, someone knocks it out of their hands. The king, Modimus Anvilmar, died. Usually this isn't a bad thing, since you usually just get a successor, but... Well, if you don't know this cliche by now, then I'd like to kindly introduce you to a genre known as "Fantasy."


Modimus was well known for his rockin' out. I swear I've seen this guy before...

With Anvilmar's death, a bloody civil war began (Shocker). The three main clans of Ironforge began beating the tar out of each other: Bronzebeard, Wildhammer, and Dark Iron. After many years, the Bronzebeards won, and being the awesome people that they are, no hubris whatsoever here kicked the other clans out of Ironforge. The Wildhammer get pissy, but gave up the ghost and headed north to found the town of Grim Batol. The Dark Iron dwarves, however, decided that this was not over. They moved down to the Redridge Mountains and created the town of Thaurissan, named after their illustrious sorcerer leader.

Smart man that this Thaurissan was, he decided to attack both Ironforge and Grim Batol at once. I mean, why concentrate your forces and risk having the feuding clans to come to one another's aid? Better to just spread your army thin and just end the whole war thing in one night. Guess how that went? If you guessed poorly, you'd be correct!

The Bronzebeard clan was not happy, and turned to go eliminate the Dark Iron once and for all. Thaurissan, again made another genius move. He decided he'd summon a demon to halt the advance of the Ironforge troops. As it turns out, Thaurissan is a much better sorcerer than he is general. Instead of getting your typical 300 HP demon, the dwarf accidentally summoned RAGNAROS, IMMORTAL LORD OF THE FIRE ELEMENTALS AND CAPS LOCK MASTER. This spell also assisted in causing an army of fire elementals to spew forth and destroy Thaurissan and enslave the Dark Iron dwarves.


Yup, and Thaurissan is their godddamned hero.

Points for the dwarves here, as the Bronzebeards, shrugged and said to hell with it, and left the immortal firelord have his way with their cousins. Meanwhile, the Wildhammers returned to Grim Batol to find it tainted with the death of Thaurissan's wife, Modgud. So instead, they turned north to Aerie Peak to train giant lion-birds and to hurl hammers at the locals.

And Ragnaros? He set about turning Blackrock Mountain into his own personal little fort, complete with Dark Iron dwarf slaves. All this before the orcs moved in. So how the hell did orcs not notice the demon infestation? Well, Blackhand and his crew really only lived in the attic of Blackrock, and you know that Ragnaros never checks up there.

So the dwarves were a little busy rebuilding their homeland and not stepping one foot close to the immortal lord of indian burns to lend a hand to the humans. Also, the war was apparently retconned to be alot shorter, so word probably never even reached the dwarves. They were too busy making sure they knew how to improperly set off explosions anyway.