Part 14: The Black Knight (Part 2)

Back in the Nordia Tunnels, suddenly Magi soldiers have started appearing inside the mines. God they got here quick, seeing as how Dragias just departed from the monoship like five minutes ago.

Maybe he is capable of teleporting…






Oh, thank god, it’s the exit.

…Wait.


CUTSCENE: General Dragias & The Black Knight

Leonard: I see the exit!


I see General Dragias.






CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Black-Clad General” (Unreleased Track)

Dragias: Welcome, young Skywalker…




Leonard: It’s him!


Dragias: So we meet again.
Leonard: You scum!


Leonard: Give us back the Princess!
Orren: Why don’t you try saying ‘please’ first or something. Dumbass.


Dragias: Oh, I’m afraid not. On the contrary, I believe you have something for me.


Dragias: The Knight’s Ark belongs to us. A worthless thing like you has no right to claim it.


Dragias: Hand it over, boy. Now!


Leonard: Not until you release Princess Cisna!
Orren: Are you and idiot?! You’re gonna trade a weapon of mass destruction for a girl?!

Bear in mind, he has no idea how tactically valuable Cisna is as a person. So he’s just blindly offering the Ark to Dragais for one unremarkable girl (from his perspective) on face value without considering the broader, horrifying consequences of the deal. Because he’s obsessed with her that much.

Leonard is dumb.


Dragias: Ha ha ha hah!


Dragias: You seem to have mistaken this for some kind of negotiation.




So Darth Vader uses the Force to jump into air and land down in front of our… let’s just call them “characters,” because “heroes” is still a bridge too far for me.











Dragias: Enough talk! We’ll settle this with our blades.






BOSS FIGHT: General Dragias & The Black Knight (with text commentary on account of audio issues).

So now we get to take on Dragias in battle for the first time.


And because the good general is ostensibly human, he’s got no attack weaknesses and as an extra added bonus, he’s resistant to fire, ice, wind, and earth elemental skills.

Meaning this fight is tedious.


Anyway, knocking the general down to half health is all you need to do in this fight to trigger the next cutscene.


It’s Leonard and Eldore two-on-one versus Dragias.


Yulie is nowhere to be found in this fight. Because she’s a girl.


And neither is Orren. Because he’s the Avatar.


And as we’ve established a million times already, this game’s thesis is: fuck the Avatar.




This is the other close-quarters action scene of the game. It’s beautifully mo-capped and passably choreographed.

Though because it’s a T-rated game and this story is horribly clichéd, Dragias doesn’t land any actual blows on Leonard or Eldore, and vice-versa.


So there’s no tension to this fight.






Like here where Leonard gets knocked off his feet by Dragias. Instead of going in for the kill...






Dragias takes his time and lets him recover…


So that Eldore can swoop in and block when he finally does go in for the kill.














Same thing with Leonard. He’s got Dragias dead-to-rights here, but he just lets him kick Eldore in the gut here.

I didn’t get a screen capture of the actual kick because VLC was being a turd while I was going through this video.



























And of course, the fight comes to a head in the most clichéd way possible: all three combatants cross swords instead of either Eldore or Leonard taking advantage of Dragias’s handicap and ram their sword into his flank.




Oh you two both suck so much.






CUTSCENE / BATTLE MUSIC: “Jet-Black Wings” (Disc 1, Track 22)

Dragias: Very well. It’s time to bring this absurdity to a close.

Oh how you get my hopes up, game…




Dragias summons a strange sword from the ether…


Dragias: O Dinivas, deliverer of dark and dread…

Oh shit…


Dragias: Ruler of the ancient shadows…


Dragias: Grant me your power!
















Dragias: VERTO!


So yeah, Dragias also has a Knight.


































This is Dinivas, the Black Knight, known by the nickname of ‘Ebonwings’ for whatever reason. It’s the only Knight that has a nickname in the game. I don’t know why.

I love the Black Knight’s design. It’s simple, yet eloquent and the wings make it looks far more badass than the White Knight does.


Leonard: Oh great!


Eldore: How the?! Is this villain a Knight too?


Yulie: What do we do?
Eldore: The Black Knight…


Eldore: Also known as ‘Ebonwings’ in the Dogma Legend…
Orren: Ah, that’s not useful answer there, chief!


So in terms of fighting the Black Knight, it’s just like a troll, in that it’s weak to stabbing attacks, though just like Dragias’s human form, it’s also strong against elemental magic.

Dragias: Let me deal with you now!


Once again, the game all but tells you to bring out the White Knight and make this a proper duel.

Leonard: O Wizel, white warrior, wielder of the ancient sword, grant me your power…


Leonard: Verto!






Leonard: Now we’re talking! Knight versus Knight!
Eldore: That evens things up!
Yulie: Get him, Leonard!
Orren: Fuck him up!


So same thing as with Pyredaemos, stab the Black Knight until cutscene.


Dragias: Prove yourself!

(Or I think that’s what he said. Dragias has a bit of in-battle dialog, but his voice is so deep and modulated that even with turning off all the music and sound effects, I could not make out anything he was saying).


Once the Knight comes out, characters 2 and 3 become afterthoughts, essentially supporting the White Knight now with healing spells and the occasional random stab at an attack that the Black Knight is weak against, because the AI’s got to get something right occasionally. It’s a statistical eventuality.


The Black Knight will also occasionally whip out its wings and zip from one end of the arena, or just flap them really hard and knock down the human characters, even knocking them into KO status some times.

This is probably its strongest attack, because it’s an area of effect skill and, as you’ll see in the video, hella strong.




But this is New Game+, so Leonard mows down Dragias without much effort.


CUTSCNE: The Dogma Legend










Dragias: Astonishing. His power was already growing…






Dragias: And all I’ve accomplished by fighting him is to give the wretch more battle experience.


And rather than use his still-intact Knight to kill them all anway…




Dragias just turns tail and runs.














Everyone in this game sucks.




Leonard: Urgh!


Leonard: Bastard!
Eldore: It seems you’re not the only Pactmaker.
Yulie: Just what exactly is going on?
Orren: Whatever it has to be, I bet the explanation is just magical...




Eldore: The Dogma Legend speaks of five Knights…


Eldore: And those Magi already have one of them. It appears they want the whole collection to themselves. Gods help us all if they manage to get it.


Yulie: Does something happen if the Knights come together?


Eldore: It’ll bring about the Final Awakening. Just as foretold in the last verse of the Dogma Legend.
Orren: Why do I get the feeling that needs a ^TM symbol attached to it?


Eldore: Though exactly what that is, I cannot say.




Yulie: The Final… Awakening?
Orren: The Apocalypse, dear. You can dress it up with whatever stupid name you want, but the old man is talking about the end of the world.

I’m calling it right here: in its final moments, the game is going to rip off End of Evangelion and end with a giant naked Leonard sucking up the souls of all creation to birth the pinnacle of ignorance made flesh to the sound of a disturbingly catchy song about suicide.


Leonard: Why does it all come tumbling down, anyway?


Leonard: I wouldn’t worry. They’ll never get my Knight. I swear it.

Keep.

This.

Sentence.

In mind.


Eldore: Ebonwings! I can scarcely believe it.
Yulie: I hope we're not marching to our graves.
Leonard: Don't say that! We'll save her!
Orren: Unrelated to the possibility of us all dying, but whatever.
Eldore: We'll know that soon enough, won't we?

So with Dragias defeated, the party moves on out of the tunnels and out to the other side.


CUTSCENE: Out the Other Side






Leonard: Well, I think we found the desert.


Yulie: Aaaaaaaaaah! Nothing beats the great outdoors!


Eldore: Our next destination will be the town of Albana, which lies in the center of the desert here.






Eldore: But before we go there—


Leonard: We camp. Right?


Eldore: Huh? Well, yes…

I just love the way Shaughnessy delivers this line. It’s so bemusedly nonchalant. Like he’s impressed Leonard has actually kept a thought in his brain for more than a day.




Eldore: He knows too much…




CUTSCENE: The Lake Dance

We return later that night and—INCOMING PLOT BIRD!




The Plot Bird bites Leonard’s ear to get his attention, even after it lands on his shoulder.

Leonard: Huh?




Leonard: Where are you going?


Leonard: Cisna!

Take a shot.




Foz leads him to the shore of a nearby lake… for reasons.






ALLGLORYTOTHEHYPNOBIRD!


Hologram Cisna: Well? Don’t just stand there. Salute, you twit!


Leonard: Oh!
Hologram Cisna: Aw, screw it.



Hologram Cisna: Hello, Leonard. We meet again.
Hologram Cisna: For like the fourth time, or something.


Leonard: Tits! I-I mean—
Leonard: H…hi…!


Hologram Cisna: Oh… did I wake you? I’m sorry.

Not really.


Leonard: No-no, it’s fine! I couldn’t sleep anyway.

He is just so desperate for her approval.


Hologram Cisna: Oh, you came alone. What luck!
Hologram Cisna: Now my minions! Bring me his head!
Leonard: …Whuuu?
Hologram Cisna: Minions? Anyone? …Balls. This is what I get for contracting work out to toads. Okay, forget it then.
Leonard: …Whaaaa?
Hologram Cisna: Shit. Umm. Think fast. …I… Uuuh… ‘Like’ you, Leonard.
Leonard: Awww, Princess. I’m in like with you too.
Hologram Cisna: (Like a charm. Heh heh.)


Hologram Cisna: Or, perhaps… perhaps these birds sensed what I was thinking? How much I wanted to speak to you again.

You should have just stuck with pretending to like him, babe. Empathic birds I can buy, but actually wanting to talk to Leonard strains credulity.


ALLGLORYTOTHEHYPNOBIRD!


…Why do I keep blacking out while I write this chapter?


Leonard: I… uh… yeah?

Enthralling dialog. I can see why they’re destined to be together forever and always. Like nearly everything else he attempts, Leonard is also hopelessly inept at speaking to women.


Hologram Cisna: If it weren’t for you, where would I be?

…Not kidnapped?

Hologram Cisna: Dead amongst the castle ashes.

Or that. Sort of. Though his role in your survival is debatable, because I’m pretty sure Dragais would have just absconded with you after he murdered Valtos anyway, because getting to you was half the reason the Magi blitzed Balandor in the first place.

Hologram Cisna: I owe you no less than my life, Leonard.
Hologram Cisna: (Don’t hold me to that, though.)


Leonard: It was nothing… Uh… anyway, never mind that. Where are you, Princess?

Even though we’ve already established she’s most likely in or just outside of Albana. Leonard has forgotten that fact.


Hologram Cisna: I’m not certain.

…And so has Cisna, apparently.




Hologram Cisna: All I see is endless desert. The ship has landed here amidst the sand. Wait. I think I see a town through the window.


Leonard: Town? That’s got to be Albana!


Leonard: Just sit tight! We’re coming. We’re going to rescue you!


Hologram Cisna: I know you are, Leonard. I believe in you.


Hologram Cisna: Because if you don’t, I’m gonna have you executed.


Leonard: Princess.

Take a shot.




CUTSCENE MUSIC: “Beneath The Starry Sky” (Disc 1, Track 23)

She steps forward, probably moving much farther than her walk-in closet of a cell would actually allow her to.












Hologram Cisna: Please, call me Cisna.
Hologram Cisna: EMPRESS Cisna, actually.


Leonard: I just peed myself.
Hologram Cisna: Aw shit. How do you turn this thing off?


Leonard reaches out and takes her holo-hand.


Aaaaaand…


They ascend to a higher plane of existence. The end.


Suddenly-Not-Hologram Cisna: Aaaand now you’re pregnant.
Leonard: GAAAAAH!!

Nah, it just somehow transforms Cisna into a Real Girl. And puts her party dress back on her.

You can’t tell from these screenshots, but if Leonard is wearing any armour, this transition restores his default clothing as well, so it’s like they were in the moment they met (properly).


And thus begins the infamous “Lake Dance” sequence, or: “Now we’re ripping off Final Fantasy X! Two more Final Fantasies, and we get to rip off Final Fantasy VII for free!”

Well, at the very least this one doesn’t end on the implication that Leonard and Cisna then had sex afterward like it does in FFX. This game isn’t anywhere near mature enough to broach sexuality in any way.

Plus, if it did, it would mean Leonard literally fucked a hologram.








So not only are Bigelows able to project holograms from their eyes via a psychic link, not only are they empathic, now they can also break the laws of physics and project magical barriers around people, thus allowing Leonard and Cisna to dance on water… for reasons.

Because Akihiro Hino saw the “Suteki Da Ne?” sequence in FFX and thought, “I want to do that in my RPG too!” Only his sequence would be even more of an affront to how water works than Yoshinori Kitase’s was!

…Oh Hino-san.






I’m just letting you enjoy the corny because there’s nothing more I can say to mock this. It speaks for itself.










And because Leonard sucks at everything he does, he falls on his ass trying to waltz with Cisna.


The Plot Bird takes pity on him and keeps him from falling into the lake, which would have made this scene hilarious if the barrier under his ass just gave out and he fell through the water with a short scream.


Cisna thinks it’s frickin hysterical, however.
































Tidus: Hey, Yuna. Remember when we did this?


Orren: Yeah, it was stupid back then too. Now GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SOTRY!






And of course, now he’s suddenly an expert on this. I have a theory though on this little aberration of reality, but I’ll hold it off until the end of the sequence.

























And we’re back to the real world. I say this of course, because there’s a subtle emphasis that this whole sequence took place entirely in Leonard’s mind. The most obvious evidence being that they’re standing exactly where they were when the dace seemingly began, Cisna (and him) magically transformed into his idealized version of herself when he took her hand, not to mention the hazy dream filter on over the sequence, and the fact that THEY DANCED ON FUCKING WATER!

Plus there’s the fact that Cisna is under constant watch by the Magi, and if they can’t hear her talking to Leonard out loud in her cell, they should at least be able to see her dancing around her room with holo-Leonard. Right? Am I to believe that Belcitane sucks this much at his own security that neither him, Shapur, or any of the guards he has posted on Cisna’s room don’t notice any of this happening?

…Hell, maybe he’s in the room just off camera and has actually co-opted Cisna into working for the Magi through Stockholm syndrome or something? Wouldn’t that be a twist? Because that would be a real effective way to lure Leonard into doing anything you want him to do: use Cisna as the honeytrap.

Again, it’s sad when I’m more creative than this game is.


Hologram Cisna: I wish we could talk some more… but I have to be careful.

Also this line. Having a damn water dance is not ‘being careful.’ Plus she says ‘talk’ some more. Not ‘dance’ some more.

Leonard just wasted everyone’s time fantasizing about what it would be like to dance with Cisna for reals.

He’s like Walter Mitty, only bereft of his genuinely likeable nice guy nature.


Hologram Cisna: See you soon, Leonard.




Leonard: Goodbye, Cisna.

Dude, she just hung up on you.

No, seriously, in the video she blinks out while he’s in mid-sentence. Doesn’t even bother to wait for him to finish talking.

Heart-touching romance at its finest, folks.


And so he’s left all alone with his empty brainless head.


OR IS HE?!








A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!

Yulie: That’s it. When I get my hands on her, I’m gonna murder that genocidal bitch.

I don’t know why Yulie is getting all jealous of Leonard and Cisna. A) Their relationship is one-sided and completely superficial. B) Yulie is essentially Leonard’s foster sister. And C) it’s fucking LEONARD! You can do so much better, girl.


Yulie: KILLPRINCESS!!

Christ, okay. I get it.


Is this chapter still not done? Fuuuuuuuuck me.


CUTSCENE: Belcitane's Scheme, Take 2: Assassination Boogaloo
CUTSCENE MUSIC: “The Magi” (Unreleased Track)

Meanwhile, back on the monoship. Belcitane has taken a break from not watching Cisna to welcome back the newly humiliated General Dragias.

Oh, hey, Shapur’s still there in the background too, daring people to try and notice him on their own.

Also, I think Dragias is gonna choke out Belcy for selling him a bill of goods on this whole “you can totally beat Leonard in a fight” nonsense.




Dragias: That cursed boy!

Or just blame Leonard for it. Hell, it’s what I do.


Dragias: He may be more than we bargained for, Belcitane.


Belcitane: Indeed. It does seem that way.
Belcitane: Or maybe you just suck and we haven’t figured it out until now? Eh, no matter.


Dragias: We cannot allow him to grow any more powerful than he already is.

Leonard is at his apex as of this moment in every sense of the word. Growth and Leonard from this point onward are anathema to one another.


Belcitane: I do have one suggestion, my general.


Dragias: Go on…
Dragias: But this one better be a step up from your last ‘suggestion,’ so help me.

It’s around this point I start to question the power dynamic of the Magi leadership as it seems like Belcitane and Dragias take turns acting as each other’s superiors. Is Belcitane in charge? Is Dragias? We’ve seen them both commanding the Magi’s army in battle. We’ve seen Belcitane giving orders to Dragias, and then we see him making suggestions to Dragias like he’s just an advisor or something.

The Magi’s whole power structure makes no sense, and will get even more screwed up as we go along.


Belcitane: You see, a pact with a Knight is forever, which leaves us but one way to break it. Isn’t it obvious?


Belcitane: The Pactmaker’s death!

Dana Snyder is just eating this scene up, I swear to god.


Dragias: Assasination? Yes. Of course. I take it you have a plan?


Belcitane: I always do, general…

Look at that face. LOOK AT IT!

Belcitane is LOVING this shit.






Dragias: Wait… Are you actually going to tell me it, or are you just going to mime it?


Seriously, this zoom out is unvoiced with Belcy just miming like he’s explaining things to Dragias.


Dragias: …Really?


Dragias: Fuck you.


Dear every god, ever. Please don’t that moron Leonard bring about the end of the world. I swear I’ll be extra special good. I’ll join the priesthood. I’ll give up killing things for money. I’ll even stop cursing! Just don’t let this ‘Final Awakening’ thing come to pass… I’m too pretty to die.

• 7.1 - The Nordia Tunnels
  
• 7.2 - Belcitane's Plot, Take 1
  
• 7.3 - Fantasy Politics 101
  
• 7.4 - Cyrus Remembers
  
• 7.5 - General Dragias & The Black Knight
  
• 7.i - Dragias & Black Knight Boss Fight
  
• 7.6 - The Dogma Legend
  
• 7.7 - Out the Other Side
  
• 7.8 - The Lake Dance
  
• 7.9 - Belcitane's Scheme, Take 2: Assassination Boogaloo
  
• 7.ii - Suteki Da No

THE NORDIA TUNNELS