Part 17: Episode XVII: In Which The Quickest Way East is South
Episode XVII: In Which The Quickest Way East is South
Verse 7: Forbidden Places
In my head post pact Caim sounds like Jack Klugman. On a related note, I could have sworn Jack Klugman died years ago. Apparently I was incorrect. Huh... 95% of you have no idea who Jack Klugman is...do you...? Moving right along...
"Unless it is against those filthy sub-human dogs. I think I see a group of them fleeing in the distance. Wipe all traces of the vermin from the earth! Torch their homes! Salt the earth where their disgusting feet once tread! Let not one stand!"
So, the enemy's morale is broken and they're giving up the fight with little resistance. Good thing the Union and Caim are here to put the conscripted lesser races in their place.
I actually like this stage. Well...most of it. Namely because it has only three ground missions and they all take place in significantly different areas (even if it is only one map.) Well...significantly different as Drakengard gets, at least.
I was too busy forgoing the concentration camps with Red in the previous chapter to try out our new child hating cannibal elf friend. So, let's give her a whirl.
Arioch's melee weapon...does that thing even have a name...? J-RPG Scimitar maybe? Eh, whatever. It's useless and there is no reason to ever use it.
That's because Arioch's magic spell is broken...
...as...
...FUCK! Unleashing this bad boy causes a series of huge ass explosions of fire to erupt from the ground. This lays waste across the entire area in front of Arioch, one-shotting all but the most hearty of enemies. For those that survive the first volley, a follow-up ice explosion across roughly the same area will almost always kick the shit out of everything left standing.
Arioch can unleash maybe five or six spells during the duration she is summoned and she can be summoned up to three times during a battle. She's pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty good.
At this point I'm convinced Verdelet is just senile.
Ten minutes of genocide later.
Oh shit... Ogres. Those guys are WEIRD. Like this one time I was out in the woods killing some guys, ya know?
"Shocking." Yeah. Then the next thing I know this ogre grand wizard or something showed up and wanted to give me some jewelry or gauntlet or bracelet or some crap and it all just seemed lame to me. They gave me some sob story about being subverted by demons or something and kept talking about how they were big fans of some professional guy named Leonardo or something. It was all really gay. So I just killed them all. But, like I said. Ogres are weird. We'd better check that out. "Understand."
So, those three tents in the middle of an open field constitute what passes for a village in Drakengard's world.
Red had several more lines in this stage but none of them have any sort of context. I just think this verse was an audio dump for voice clips they had previously left on the cutting room floor.
So here are the ogres. These majestic giants are some of the last of their ki-
...are now on the brink of extinction. Well, I had this little write up about their complex tribal caste structure and rich folk tradition but I guess that's out the window now...
Huh. Missed one did I? Thanks for pointing that out. I'll get on top of fixing that.Verse 8: The Last Seal?
We come upon the last ogre, bleeding out in a cruel world its kind will shortly no longer know.
"Let me fish around in here for a bit. Let us see... Stab... Stab... Stab... Eat... Stab... Give gauntlets out to those who scowl... Stab... Stab... Sex... Stab... Jean Reno... Stab... Stab... Devour souls... Stab... Stab... Ponder what lies when we leave this mortal coil... Stab... Stab... Sex... Stab... Lasagna... Stab... Ah...here's something..."
Outer Heaven?! "No, Caim. Somewhere under heaven..." Oh. That REALLY narrows it down. "Will you be quiet and let me concentrate?!" Sure... Sure no problem. The mute guy will be quiet as a mouse. "Thank you..." "Hmm... A gr-" Doo dee doo do. Dum de dum dah. God, I wish there was something to kill. Lousy imp things all died too easily. Booooooring. And those ogres UGH! So weird. I wish the dragon would hurry up. I hate dragons. And small villages. And huts. Huts are so lame. Snow is cool at least. Man you cut a guy open and it's like BOOM! I did that. You can see it even when you hike miles away. I wonder if the dragon will let me finish off the ogre when she's done. I mean I don't think she's going to use it. Unless she eats it... What DOES she eat anyway? The black dragon ate my dad. I hate dragons. I wonder if the dr- "SHUT UP, DAMN YOU!" But I didn't say anything... "I can still hear..."
Caim and Red are interrupted by a shrill scream from far away.
Yeah... So the Empire managed to destroy the other two seals off camera. What? Did you think Caim and Red were going to travel to each seal only to lose it to the Empire one by one? Pfft. They didn't even bother to even model a Forest Seal temple. Drakengard is not that kind of game.
"We must fly to the lands of the Empire, and then find the fortress." Hmm... Hold up, dragon. We are to Go...TO where the Empire lives? Huh... I never thought about that... Dragon... I think you're onto something. Something...violent...Verse 9: Voice of Stone
You know I have to ask...why the fuck are we out here? No... Really... I mean there was the whole Inuart betrayal, Furiae wanting to rock Caim's bones, and ethnic cleansing going on early. But, now that things have settled down... No really...why the fuck are we in this snowy wasteland?
So, it seems the quickest way to get half-way across the continent to the north eastern Empire of Notspain is via a narrow labyrinthine ravine heading...south... Right...
Señor Gonzales the Fastest Endriago in all of Ocixem? "I'm not going to dignify that with an answer." Feh. Well, you're no fun. Oh well. Let's go kill whatever it is.
The mid-boss of this stage is a golem to the south of the extremely linear maze.
I miss the snow stage already. This area is fairly annoying since Caim can only mount Red when he's completely out in the open with about a twenty yard span from him and the closest wall.
No! I know which way I'm going. "Do you now? How? All of these corridors of rock look the same to me." Easy. If I see scattered corpses and a bunch of red stuff everywhere in one direction, I've already been there. It's sort of like breadcrumbs... Only much bloodier. Besides, you're flying way above this stupid thing. I'm the one who has to walk... And why am I walking in the first place if you can just fly over this nonsense?! "That is a silly question. Who would mark the way with carcasses and blood trails otherwise?" ... touché, dragon. Touché.
The jerkface wizards from way back in Chapter 2 are back at nearly every intersection, so Red really isn't a viable attack method in the first place. What with their aimbot fireball spells when the dragon is in their airspace.
Ten minutes of wizard and goblin genocide later...
At the end of the ravine we come upon the fearsome golem. Astaroth it ain't. I'm not sure why Caim must destroy the cumbersome rock man with knives for hands. His is a sad existence. One in which he stands in place and burps fireballs from his inferno of a stomach for all of eternity. And...that's it. He has a stomp attack if Caim gets near but...he pretty much turns in place and belches easily blocked/dodged fireballs.
The real problem with defeating the golem is his entourage of about fifteen wizards. The mini-boss fight is ultimately a grim game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Rock beats scissors...
...scissors beat paper...
...poorly designed gameplay mechanics beat my patience...
...Red comes in and nukes the shit out of everything to win the day. Such is the circle of life.
And so concludes Chapter 4. I said it was a short one. I am not going to do this for any other chapter for fear my computer will kill itself to spite me...again...
Tune in next time for The Union vs. The Empire: Painfest in Paris - The Final Showdown! This Sunday only on Pay-Per-View! Viva la Résistance!
