Part 41: Ice Ice Baby

Update 27: Ice Ice Baby



"Wait, can someone remind me why we're exploring the glaciers around Erliquin in search of the Riddle of the Ruby?"
"Isn't it obvious? Ice is kinda bluish-white, and rubies are red. So if there's a ruby around here somewhere, it'll be easy to see!"



"Speaking of bluish-white things, I think I'm getting frostbite. Can we hurry this up before my fingers start dropping off?"



"Well, that's obvious. Money!"
"We've got over 100,000 gold each, Successhands. Money's really not that elusive."
"Is the answer booze? I haven't had a good drink in weeks."
"The greatest force of all? I bet it's the Mega Dragon!"
"What the hell is the Mega Dragon?"
"Oh, you'll find out."
"After all this time travelling with me, how can you all still be blinded by your greed and gluttony? What am I doing wrong?"



"Princess, the answer to your riddle is 'love'."



"I knew there was a reason we were keeping Preacher around. I mean, besides her ability to revive us when we get killed."



"Oh, great. More useless junk to cart around. Can we just get moving before we all freeze to death?"



"Even in this frozen wasteland, trees feel the merciful light of the sun and cling to life. Nature is truly miraculous."
"Sure is. Now, let's all get out our swords and hack out a path through this forest."



"Is this going to turn into a farcical battle in which he keeps coming at us even after being completely dismembered? Because I really don't have time for that right now."

One relatively short and easy battle later...



"Damn it all, I was right. How many more times do we have to fight you?"

Another relatively short and easy battle later...



"Two battles with that wimp and we find the rarest and most coveted of all treasure chests on his body? That was too easy. What's the catch?"
"Well, the chest could turn us all to stone if I trigger the trap while opening it. But I'm sure that won't happen."



"Eh, it's just some lousy one-handed sword. Successhands, you want it?"
"After all the trouble that X!XX!X put us through to find his whistle, you'd better believe I'll be taking that sword."
"I thought it was spelled XX!XX!XX!."
"If even he can't make up his mind about how to spell his own name, I don't see why we should bother trying."



"Y'know, being in icy coniferous forests always makes me feel like I could take on the whole world with my bare hands. Why is that?"
"It's the eye of the taiga."



"Fine, let's explore it. It's not like I had anything better to do today."



"Somehow I feel as if we're going to regret entering this dungeon without a full supply of food."



"What a pity. I suppose we shall have to leave for now and come back when we have a silver key."



"I have a better idea."
"I expected no less from you, Jostiband."
"Why would anyone bother building a magically-locked door when it can be bypassed so easily, anyway? It doesn't make any sense."
"We're down here looking for a ruby so it can ask us a riddle. We might just have to reevaluate our ideas of what does and doesn't make sense."



"Take these messages, for example. Sure, nobody in their right mind would scrawl disjointed pieces of a message on random walls in dungeons. But if there's one thing this adventure has taught us all, it's that being in your right mind has never been a prerequisite for success."



"And consider these rooms. So far, one of them has contained a giant chess piece and the rest have been empty. Who spent all this time painting the walls, and for what purpose?"



"Really, considering how little logic there is to any of the situations we find ourselves in, we should consider ourselves lucky if these stairs don't lead to the top of a mountain near Sorpigal."



"And there you have it: the stairs simply lead to another, lower floor of the dungeon. This is, in fact, the first thing we have encountered in this entire dungeon that has actually made sense."



"How about the giants hurling boulders down the corridor in an attempt to crush us? Does that make sense?"
"It makes plenty of sense for them to hurl boulders at us, as they are giants and most likely wish to kill and eat us. It makes very little sense for us to continue walking down the corridor while they are hurling boulders at us, but that's what we're going to do anyway."



"I'm feeling kinda beat up after getting hit by all those boulders. Can we stop here and rest for a while before going through that door to confront the giants who are currently trying to murder us with huge rocks?"



"Well, what do you know. Another rare victory for common sense."
"Perhaps I should just use my magic to heal everyone instead."



"That's all? Hah! You shouldn't have even bothered healing us."



The party would have earned more experience if half the giants hadn't run away in the first round of battle. Enemies know when they're outmatched. Hell, even dragons are running away from the party now.



"I am torn between wondering why a boulder is talking to us and wondering what tests it is talking about."
"Hey, maybe this talking boulder is the Ruby we've been looking for!"
"It is not red. It is not crystalline. It is not asking us a riddle. I do not think that it is a ruby at all, let alone the Ruby."



"OW"



"I'm starting to feel nostalgic for a time when we were only sliding into pools of acid."



"Hey, this must be one of those tests that big rock was talking about. But what's behind the door?"



"More pathetically weak monsters, that's what. Let's roll."

Ten seconds of unbridled carnage later...



"Oh, great, so now there's four more of these."



"We can bash down the door, have a trap blow up in our faces, and still these monsters are no match for us. It's great to be me."



"You know, sooner or later this is going to get repetitive."
"It already is."

Two more rooms full of uninteresting monsters later...



"Hey, that was only four tests! What gives?"
"I guess even though there should have been five tests, there actually weren't."
"If there was a fifth test, it'd have to be just a little way to the south of here. Maybe we should find a way around there and check it out."



"Isn't this that place where we ended up sliding into a wall of spears earlier?"
"You can't fool me twice! I'll use a Jump spell to get us over to the other side..."



"Ooh! A button!"
"Jostiband, don't--"
"Come on, when was the last time a button did something bad? This one probably turns the slide off."



"See? Now, what's behind this door, I wonder?"



"And what happens to us if we surrender?"
"Why, I'll take all of your gold and let you go, of course! Is that not a fair deal?"
"Not really, no. We'd rather just kill you and take your stuff."



"Bah. What a weakling."



"His underlings aren't so weak, though. There goes our healer."



"Hey, come back here, you cowards!"
"What the hell are you doing, Tarquinn? Before they started running away, they were winning! We want them to run away!"



"Or to have Jostiband reduce them to ashes before they can run away. That works too."




"What a waste of time. I was hoping for a challenge, but they didn't even have any decent treasure."
"At least we won. Preacher, are you okay? That arrow got you pretty good."
"I'll live. I wasn't really using my spleen anyway."
"Well, I think it's time for us all to head back to Erliquin and get some richly-deserved rest and relaxation, and by 'rest' I mean 'whores' and by 'relaxation' I mean 'booze'."
"Aren't you forgetting why we came here in the first place? We haven't found the Ruby yet."



"Oh, right, that. Very well, then. Let's head back upstairs and get it over with."
"Wait, how do we know it's upstairs?"
"Where else would it be?"



"Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! It's 'crystal!'"
"But glass isn't actually a crystal, is it?"
"Shh! I know that and you know that, but the ruby doesn't know that!"



"Not that I'm complaining, but can't we just teleport past whatever door this key opens?"
"Probably, but it never hurts to be prepared. Also, as a matter of general principle it's best to let Jostiband cast as few spells as possible."
"Anyway, the important thing is that we've solved the riddle. Now, it's time to head back to Castle Blackridge North..."



"... and claim our reward!"



"Sure, whatever. Every little bit helps and all that. What's our next quest?"



"Was that the one with all the minotaurs? We did that already."



"Awesome! Got any more quests for us?"



"Wasn't that the very first quest you gave us?"
"What's your point?"
"My point is that we've already told you where the ruins are!"



"But it is complete! I'm trying to tell you, we've found the damn ruins already, you senile old coot!"
"Then it should be easy for you to go and find them again, should it not?"



"Stupid repeating quests. Preacher, can you cast a spell or something so we don't have to redo this quest before we can do another one?"
"Gladly."



"You know, it occurs to me that we had even less reason to explore that dungeon than we usually do."
"At least now we know that Lord Inspectron probably isn't the escaped alien prisoner. With a memory like that I'd be surprised if he could escape from his own bed every morning without help."



"As it turns out, the ruby whistle had absolutely nothing to do with the Riddle of the Ruby. I'll probably never use it again and the others are just making me carry it around because they know it pisses me off."



"I never did get that laser blaster, but this is just as good. If I wasn't the luckiest gnome alive before, I am now!"

X!XX!X's Sword is probably the best weapon for a robber. It doesn't do much damage compared to The Flamberge, but robbers suck at combat anyway; instead, it increases Luck by a whopping 15 points.



"Hey, why did we start adventuring again? Something about an inner sanctum or something? I forget."



"I need some better armour. All the other fighters are well-protected and I'm feeling a little left out."



"We should probably pay another visit to the Sands of Time at some point. All this adventuring is giving me wrinkles."



"Something tells me I'm going to have lots of cool new equipment for our next adventure..."

Well, that's it for today. Once again, it's time for you to vote. Who would you like to see the party solve quests for next time?

Lord Hacker, the alchemist
Lord Ironfist, the warrior
No more quests for now; just keep exploring

The choice is yours, so vote now!