Part 1: Interview 1 - “Whilst You Were Away" (Or, “Backstreet’s Back”)

Interview 1 - "Whilst You Were Away" (Or, "Backstreet's Back")



Hey, it's- wait, I don't recognise that guy on the left.



Finally, Advance Wars has "old man" representation, thank god.



Is that new person just carrying an entire artillery shell?

Are you going to make unhelpful comments the entire time, Commander?

Well, yeah, it's kind of my whole thing.



Well, that spoils the plot a bit.



Sturm. My old nemesis. He looks somewhat more threatening this time around.

The "robot snifit" look wasn't working for him.



BOY I WONDER WHAT NUMBER GAME THIS IS

Can we at least have a passing relationship with the fourth wall for the purposes of this interrogation, Commander?

Fine, but can you call me "my dude"? I only use Commander when there's multiple my dudes around.

Acceptable terms. Fine.



Oh, all my old friends are back. We have DYANDY



SAMISA



And fan-favourite MAXMAX

Presentation is key.



You won't know these foes. They're Black Hole COs.



I thought Sturm ran Black Hole? Ooh, she's cute.



...Did you think one man ran the entire invading force of Black Hole?



Well, when you say it like THAT, it sounds stupid.



That was exciting. Right, continue with your story.



So, let me see if I have the timeline straight. You defeated Sturm, remained in Orange Star for a year, then disappeared. Six months later, the conflict began once more.

That's about right, yeah.

Mere weeks before the conflict began, you had the yearly Dudecon, where all the my dudes meet up. One of them died that night.

...Right.

The conflict lasted for six months, and during those six months, I was searching for you so I could question you. So, two years after your initial victory over Sturm... here we are.

Here we are.



OK. I'll note this down. Now then, as I said, I was searching for your sweetheart, Nell.



"Your sweetheart, Nell”. You... know that’s Sturm, right?

Kindly shut up. I encountered this schemer whilst searching for Nell, and what he was saying was relevant to the upcoming conflict.









You know, "world domination" is a clear objective but it's not terribly exciting as villainous motivations go.



Oh, it wasn't world domination. I stand corrected.

"Making a base to more easily dominate the world" isn't too much of a difference, in your defence.







Yeah, thanks to me, bitch! God, that victory felt so good.





"I will use their own technique against them: buying a million medium tanks!"

That was an atrocious Sturm impression.

Hey, it's not like there's a Darth Vader mask in this room, I have to make do with what I've got.





You certainly had quite a lot of money when I last saw you, dickhead! _{Friggin' 28 thousand per turn...}









Oh, I probably should've asked this earlier, but I haven't been in the universe since this whole conflict broke out. Black Hole DID lose, right?

You'll find out at the end of the story. And I will only keep telling the story if you tell me what you were doing on the night of Dudecon.

Siiiiiiigh.





Oh god Dipshit's back

His name is Andy.

Dipshit until proven Andy!





I feel like that's quite believable. Sturm literally said he was going to come back.





He does raise a good point. You beat him quite soundly.

Hell yeah, I did.





I've actually not visited continents outside of Cosmo Land. This should be interesting if the bulk of the war takes place in Macro Land.



They really ought to just be quiet and let Sami explain.





ARE YOU KIDDING ME, DIPSHIT

I... must admit, I had forgotten about that lapse in intelligence.

WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A GOD DAMN CONTINENT IS?



So this is why you call him Dipshit.



Yeah, because he's the dumbest motherfucker alive.



Man, it’s like the opposite of character development. If anything, I think he’s gotten stupider.

You know that’s not a word, right?



Thank god we still have Captain Competent.







Thanks for the brief reminder of what the other countries are called, Max. Really needed that, it's pretty hard to remember four countries.





Noooooo, they're probably just fucking watching Black Hole march in and take over their countries. What the hell is wrong with everyone? Did everything go to shit when I left?



I'm going to kill this fucking kid.

Perhaps not the wisest thing to say whilst being interviewed for a murder.



Besides, he got what was coming to him.



Y'know, I can almost get behind that. I do miss my old army buddies. I mean, the COs were a bunch of useless morons, but the soldiers were all excellent.



You'll be pleased to hear that your soldiers share the sentiment. After the conflict with Black Hole ended, they were all sent to different army bases. They missed each other a lot, but quite a few of them also mentioned missing you. You're quite important to them, it seems.

God, stop, Ruin, I'm gonna start tearing up. Miss you, little bros...





Even at the time I couldn't figure out whether this was a comment about death or not. Max might secretly be quite nihilistic.





Hey, I was the one who mastered the "optimistic yet realistic" pre-battle attitude! Not that fucking shambles of a CO.





no



NO

What? I thought you'd be pleased to hear from Nell.



If she's about to start tutorialising, I am walking out of here.



The door's locked, I'm afraid.

Oh, fuck off.



I have a map of Wars World here for you to look at. When I arrived, I was about here - this was where the first conflict between Orange Star and Black Hole occurred.



Alright, let's do it.



Oh fuck it's a bell-end in a hat.

The rumours are true, I see. You really do say every inane thing that comes into your head, don't you?

Hey, it keeps people entertai-



whaT THE FUCK IS THAT



The enemy soldiers do have quite an unearthly quality.

Never mind unearthly, it's downright unholy and I hate it



aaaaaaaaaa



Quit your whining and pay attention to what they're saying.



He's not even saying anything at the moment.

Ugh, forget it. Just pay attention.





That's kind of noble, actually. Desperate final stand and all that.



He's a dipshit. That's all you need to know.

You must be the absolute worst person to watch movies with.



Anyway, the first mission began as follows.



I have a map, here. And these small figurines represent the pieces in the battle.

…Oh, huh.

I shall move the pieces as I remember it happening in the battle.

You remember every move? Weren’t these battles, like, a few months ago?

I have an eidetic memory. Now then...



That's my girl!





Oh shit, COs interacting with generic soldiers. I... don't actually recognise this guy, either.



This is Carter.

I'll take your word for it, I guess.





That half-minute where Dipshit wasn't here was pretty great. Man, I miss Nell...

Leaving her for six months was your choice.





You know, I was about to say "this is why you don't let kids into the military" but then I remembered that Rose was 9 and a bona fide badass.



I didn't see her battle, but by the sounds of it, your significant other is quite the military force.

When I was training in the War Room with her, I saw her strength and tactical acumen firsthand. It was... terrifying, frankly.



BACK OFF MY GIRL, DIPSHIT.



Nell had it covered.



"Also learning how to use simple objects like beds, doors and forks."







She's quite fierce. Reminds me of my old superior in the Omniversal Police.

She was pretty fearsome, but only in work hours. Outside of that, she was... more chill. Relaxed, happy, sometimes even giggly.





Let me guess, Nell still has plenty more to say?



Got it in one. That said, I took the liberty of creating these informative documents for you.

What? I already know most of these people, though.

Look, just-

Seriously, I know who Dave is! I don’t need your fuckin’ trading cards to tell me that he’s now Dave-but-eighteen-months-older.

…I worked really hard on them, OK?



…Please? There’s a few new faces.

Alright, fine. Hand them over.

DAVE
Age: 24
Personality: Heroism given form.
Proficiencies: Infantry, Mech, Medium Tank

MICHAEL
Age: 23
Personality: Most popular pacifist.
Proficiencies: APC, Transport Copter, Lander

ALFONSE
Age: 20
Personality: Helps new recruits.
Proficiencies: Infantry, Mech, Battle Copter

FLISS
Age: 20
Personality: Afraid of everything.
Proficiencies: Infantry, Tank, Anti-Air







My god, Nell, I think we all know how it works by n-



You may as well just sit and let her finish.





What? Of course you'd win nothing because you lost. That's... that's what losing is, Nell.



How long does this go on for?

A while.





Dave was selected.

Dave stretches up to the sky, then brings his arms back down to his sides and grins. It's been a long time since he was in the field. The last eighteen months haven't changed him much - he's still battle-hardened, with long dark hair, moderately dark skin and a permanent five o'clock shadow. The iron bracer he once wore religiously is nowhere to be seen, however, but in its place is a woven bracelet of red and blue.

"It's a good day for a fight." he says to nobody in particular. "Wonder if some of the old squad will get back together?"





Nell, you literally said them like 2 minutes ago.





She treats him like an infant. I assume she also knows of his incompetence?

Oh, yeah, definitely.





Foot solders are foot soldiers. Well, today I learned.





And if this is going to be anything like the last campaign, the enemies will prioritise capturing over breathing in and out.





I can't imagine how it would be tactically viable to capture a property you already own.



Oh my god! We're not about to have ACTION on this map, are we? Heavens.

Your sarcasm is duly noted.



Let's move this piece. Dave moves to the right.

Ruin, have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons?



What’s that?

Just a game. I think you’d like it.



Fliss, on the road, and Alfonse, by the forest, follow.

"Alfonse! Been way too long, kid. How're you doing?" Dave says, greeting his fellow soldier. Alfonse, a strong young man with a daring smile and blue hair with gold tips, waves.

"Dave! Pleasure to see you. I'm good! Always happy to be back on the field!"

"And you're new." Dave says, turning to the newcomer. She's a young girl with dark skin and long green hair, arranged in a plait, and when the men look at her, she jumps.

"Eep! Sorry! My n-name is Fliss."

"You look familiar." Alfonse replies, looking at her. "...Are you related to Fleur, by any chance?"

"She's my big sister!" Fliss says, brightening up. "I'm... f-following in her footsteps."

"Hang behind us, OK? We'll take care of the enemy." Dave says.

Fliss nods nervously. "Thank you..."



Michael's back, baby! The man who tanked a million hits, the legend who never died except all those times... man, I'm happy to see him.

I can tell.



Dipshit, don't you speak a WORD about Michael being weak. My small pacifist albino deserves better than this.



Nell listed quite a few uses of APCs, but "bait" was not one of the suggested uses.

A wise man once told me that APCs have three roles: transport, supply trucks... and DISTRACTIONS.





I was obviously too distracted by my search for you at the time, but reviewing everything this boy has said... yes, Dipshit might be a better name for him.

Yessss... join the dark side...



Oh my god, Nell, we get it. Everyone gets it. Besides Dipshit but he doesn't need to get it.

Actually, he does. His ACO went AWOL, remember?





...Hey! I wasn't AWOL, I told high command I was leaving for a year!

Only a few short weeks until you're due back, then, provided you didn't commit the murder.

Yeah. Only a few weeks until- until...

...Until what?



Never mind. Hey, look, Dipshit's actually learned something.





It's because they get too full when having mid-drive snacks.

They're a professional military organisation. They do not have snacks in their APCs.





I made that exact joke when I was training with Nell!

Well, that probably explains why she seemed so ill-disposed towards Andy's comment.



I'm gonna kill this kid.

NOW you're getting it!





God, don't remind me.



Or if they're planes and botes, they explode violently and the person in them dies.

You've had bad experiences with fuel management, then?

Don't even get me started.





I... don't think I knew that, actually. Huh.





I swear the fighting begins soon.

I am losing the will to live, Ruin.



As the APC rumbles up to the group of soldiers, Dave and Alfonse let out an impassioned yell of joy.

"Michael!"

The pale, white-haired APC driver pops his head up and waves at the foot soldiers below. "Dave! Alfonse! It's been way too long, my guys! So happy to see you doing well!"

"We are! We'll be doing better once these Black Earth scum are off our turf, but hey, we'll win for sure." Alfonse replies.

Dave nods. "You're right. Fliss, Alfonse... let's get to it!"





The battle was beginning to amp up.

The battle hasn't even started; it's dead on arrival.





Ah, but the troops had advanced far enough that the enemy CO had taken notice of them.



Oh, yes, this pillock. I had forgotten.



"This is where the fun begins."

...Am I missing a joke?



Anyway, the Black Hole troops head south. Strategically, they aim to capture the allied HQ.





Oh my fucking god why does nobody shut up in this game

They do like to discuss things casually in the middle of battle, don't they? Everyone in Wars World seems to have that issue.





So he probably has an attack bonus on his units, I'm guessing.





You can't count on Dipshit, Nell! For one thing, he can't count.



"Shoot the dudes. Sometimes ranged." There. Done.



Being petty isn't going to do anything for you, my dude.





NO HE ISN'T, HE SHOULD HAVE LEARNED THIS ALL IN THE LAST CAMPAIGN



Please keep your voice down.





Besides, this information is useful.



I still hold that letting you fight the enemy is the best way to teach someone how to fight. You can explain the complex details, but generally, it isn't hard to move stuff and fire at things.



There's another important rule, Dipshit. "He who isn't a complete tool also wins".




I win. I'm saying I win.



Yes, I got that.





...my dude.





Please stop banging your head on the desk.





I'm worried you'll hurt yourself. Also it's really annoying.





The fighting begins.

I'm up again! Hurrah! Finally!

Alfonse moves ahead, whilst Fliss loads herself into Michael to be safely transported.



Being mindful of the enemy's range, of course.



Naturally.



Then they just wait for the enemy to come to them.





One enemy unit was occupying a forest, giving him a small defensive bonus.

Hmm. That's not too threatening - Alfonse and Dave can finish the forest infantry, then Fliss can occupy the forest to prepare for the second infantry's attack.



Hm. You do have a tactician's mind under all that garbage, it seems. That's not too far from what happened.



Alfonse led the attack on the opposing infantry.

No, no, no. Come on, you’ve gotta add some flair to it if you want to keep the audience interested.



What do you mean?

Look, just keep going. I’ll explain.



Dave fired on the enemy.

“Dave absolutely fucked up the opposing infantry without breaking a sweat. The dude’s killed tanks before, infantry mean nothing to him.”

…I... think I see what you mean.



He was just shy of the kill, unfortunately, so Fliss had to finish the job.



In her terror, Fliss prepares to fire.

"I... I-I'm s-sorry!" stammers Fliss, pointing her gun, closing her eyes, and pulling the trigger.



A direct hit.



Whoa!



The units explode really violently for some reason; there's a bright flash of light. Quite troublesome.



Michael occupies the forest.

Ah, the good old APC bait. A classic, the enemy infantry won't do much to Michael in a forest.





I really don't know where you got this idea that APCs draw enemy fire, my dude.



The remaining enemy went for Dave.



You're lying.

I'm not.



This is bullshit. Why didn't that enemy go for Michael?



I guess the soldiers could have joined...



But eh, it's one infantry. Best just to finish it off.

Quite so. Fliss targets it first.



Welp, it's a non-issue now.



Dave finishes it off, ending the map.





So I see. Not bad, Dipshit.





He is noticeably overconfident.

The phrase you're looking for is "a dick".





Are you just jealous because Nell isn't praising you?

What? No.




...Yes.



S rank, nice. High command likes S ranks.



You can't deny, he defeated the enemy with aplomb.

IT WAS TWO INFANTRY UNITS.





Well, that was all for now. Next interview, we'll continue following the Orange Star troops. In the meantime, isn't it time you told me a little about the events of the night leading up to the murder?

OK, OK. I’ll tell you how it went down. But you’d better keep going with your story; I’m all invested now.

We can alternate our stories. That way, we shall put together the events leading up to the death of my dude - and whether you were implicit or not.

Alright. Let me tell you my side of things. It started out like any other Dudecon, really...

***

[Note: a Soldier Overview document has been added to the contents page. That'll contain info on all the soldiers we meet throughout this LP, and all the conversations they have together! The testpost below takes you to additional scenes.]

Part 1 Additional