The nice thing about this game is that it comes with its own update titles and recaps. Low effort is the way to be! On to Allen's letter:
What I'm about to divulge must be shared with no one. As I'm sure you're aware, our expedition was savagely attacked by someone or "something." All of the details will be shared with you when we meet. For now, I will tell you that the expedition was on the verge of a great discovery which ruthless men will stop at nothing to get their hands on.
But there is more.
The attack that night sent a chill through my very soul. I've never been superstitious but I believe supernatural powers are pursuing me and it makes my flesh crawl. To continue my work, you must get the contents of my storage drawer inside the mountain vault. Read the information on the microfilm and bring everything to me. Since no one must know about me for now, you will have to find a "resourceful" way to get into the vault. I have also sent a key to my cabinet. Use it to get the combination to my safe.
In case the letter falls into the wrong hands, I've written the instructions to find me in code. Use the Little Orphan Annie decoder ring we used as children.
...I didn't just read that last part, did I?
Jason, I am being pursued by forces who will stop at nothing to get the information I have. Be cautious, but act quickly or it may be too late.
Well, this sucks. It means we're going to have to sneak into a mountain vault of some sort. At least that will make this update somewhat interesting.
So, back at work, Jason takes the time to examine the cars in the parking lot. From left to right, the cars are Jason's:
Jason's red on white, 1953 Chevrolet Bel Air.
Fancy! Next we have Darlene, the secretary's car.
Darlene Flitch's Olive Drab, 1940 Ford, 7 Window Coupe.
Well, what were you expecting? Gran Turismo? Finally...
A white on blue 1955 Chevy belonging to the librarian, Miss Morton.
I sure hope all this doesn't become pertinent later! ...No, really, I hate adventure game logic. I don't want to have to know whose car is whose.
Anyway, let's head inside.
Jason: If I had only let hinm know how much he had helped me during my life ...
Darlene: He's only missing! I'm sure he will show up at one of the native villages. Don't give up hope!
Oh okay. And just to show you that Darlene isn't heartless, you can talk to her again.
Darlene: What now?
Jason: How are things in the typing pool?
Darlene: I resent that! I'm Mr. Thornick's personal security assistant! Start addressing me as such!
...Personal security assistant? That doesn't exist!
Jason: Hey, I'm just kidding! Calm down ...
Darlene: Just kidding again? I guess someone who can take an important position like mine so lightly shouldn't be working at a facility that does government research!
I can try different dialogue options if you like - I have save games everywhere - but for the most part, the game's extremely linear.
Jason: Believe me, Darlene, I'm as trustworthy as a boy scout ... I can help you if you can help me.
Darlene: Help you how?
The game's also pretty heavy-handed with this: Darlene is guarding a security cabinet we need to get to... the only thing is that right now in the game, Jason has no idea he needs to get in there. But since the dialogue trees are shallow and don't have too much in the way of state... well, you can ask early.
Jason: I was in my brother's office the other day looking for something and one of the cabinets was lcoked. I wonder if I could borrow a key...
Darlene: Under no circumstances would I do that. It's against regulations.
Well, if previous Let's Plays have taught me anything it's that the art of seduction is hidden among dialogue choices.
Jason: Come on Darlene! How about I throw in dinner at your favorite restaurant?
Darlene: My fiancee would frown on that, but thank you for asking ...
Hmmm. I guess we'll have to come back later... uh, when we have a better idea of what we were trying to accomplish. For now though, let's head to the mountain vault Allen was talking about - which is one door over from the boss's office.
Allister's security vault is hewn into the rough granite face of 12,000 ft. Mt. Hiawatha. This is the era of paranoia. Enemies of democracy are constantly after the secrets of U.S. technology. Allister Research does not take its security lightly. Any violation of procedure is grounds for termination and they really mean termination!
Doesn't seem too bad...
Hmmm. Unfortunately, we've got two guards, a fence, and a door to contend with to get in there. And a trash can. Right now, we don't have enough items to deal with this situation. Let's examine our adversaries.
The blonde haired ruggedly handsome powerful guard. [Whoa, Jason, that's quite a description!] He strikes fear in the hearts of those who would stealamerican technological secrets. His life, however, is missing the love of a good hearted woman.
When did my character start dabbling in astrology. Even worse, if you examine his female counterpart...
This fun loving woman is a credit to her community. Her heart is filled with love and desire for the male guard, but he is dedicated to his career and seeks no romantic ties. Is there no way to get them together?
What the fuck kind of puzzle is this? I'm supposed to be in an adventure game! Less dating sim and more effin' adventure, please! Let's get outta here, before I start doling out advice column responses.
Let's hit up Allen's office.
Allen's lab is like Allen; Missing? Neat and well organized. Oh. On the far wall there are curios and collectibles gathered during his extensive world travels. A well used projection screen hangs overhead and the large picture windows offer an incredible view of the rugged pines of the cascades.
Long story short, Allen got the corner office.
Whoa! What the fuck did the government have him research? "We gotta beat the Reds to landing on the moon. Also they're way ahead in 'tribal' technology and darts."
There's a small movie reel on the table there.
1940's Monogram Pictures release titled "Wild Women of Wongo."
... Well, I guess we know what I'll be doing next.
A silvertone projection screen with the absurd Amazon film "Wild Women of Wongo" projected upon it.
This is an actual movie, by the way. Allen's got a strange blue bottle in his display case. Examining it reveals:
A sulfur based compound from the little known jungle weed known as "The Heart."
Okay enough fucking around. That cabinet (the one directly right of the swivel chair) is locked and it's time to solve puzzle number two: Using the key on it to unlock it! Phew. This game is rough.
...I can't tell.
Examining it reveals it's a reel to reel audio tape for a tape recorder.
So let's take it. That's actually all Allen wanted us to get.
There's also a book on medicinal cures and herbs of the Amazon rain forest by Blanche H. Acupa.
Ah, the infamous adventure game "recipe puzzle". A love potion- ...oh no. I think you can gather where this is going.
When the the [sic] liquid turns green, the potion is ready. The natives dip small projectiles into the green liquid. They then fire the projectiles into the neck of a potential victim.
As if the puzzle weren't already super obvious, there's two more items right here in this very room!
Blowgun: Blow Gun from the Xingu tribe of the Eastern Amazon region.
And see those two red pixels up and to the right of the dartboard? Guess what!
Darts: The small darts are made of wood and have feathers attached.
So, let's take both of those. Finally, let's take the potion and-
Well, don't make it too easy on me, I guess. Now we need to get into Darlene's security cabinet.
This means a trip back to our lab for...
A live rat. Why not? There's one more item we need and it's in our cabinet:
Alcohol. I like this puzzle. "You will need 4 items to pass the next section... ah, I don't wanna be here all day. Have three of 'em."
Any more attempts at talking to Darlene will be met with:
Darlene: I told you no!
So let's try the rat on her.
So this part is a pain in the fucking ass.
You have to be right outside the door to use the rat. But doing that will get you too close and you'll enter your office! So you have to just go with it, re-enter your office and exit it again in order to be in the proper position.
There's a lot of puzzles that require you to be in the right spot in this game and it gets really fucking annoying really fucking soon.
That's one way to do it, I suppose. Jason also keeps defaulting to the wrong damn direction.
...Oh come on! Just open it!
There's two keys we need: One is to the display case in Allen's office. The other is to Darlene's car. She's permanently gone from the game now, so I guess it doesn't matter that they didn't program in a way to cover your tracks and close the key cabinet.
Whatever. Use the key on the cabinet and we've now got the jungle potion and used two of the three keys we need to in this game.
So it's back to the lab for the only bunsen burner in the game.
Combine your blue potion and the white alcohol to make a red beaker. Are you a chemist? Then you don't know that's actually not what would happen, do you, smarty?
Put the beaker on the burner and in one of the game's three good design decisions, it only takes a second to turn green.
Note that it's tempered by the fact that your active item is active even after it's gone. In other words, I can use the red beaker on other stuff in the room (see the icon in the screen?) even though I shouldn't have it any more.
This bug is present through the entire game.
This is all well and good, but we've also got to examine the reel to reel tape we got from Allen's cabinet. And break into Darlene's car! So let's do that.
Darlene's got a crowbar and bolt cutters in her trunk for reasons that make no sense. The game also removes her car keys from your inventory now, so it's safe to say Jason just ditched them. What an asshole!
We'd better go back to the apartment.
Jason arrives to find that the interior decorator from hell has paid a visit. The apartment is totally trashed. Someone has even slashed the velvet painting! This could take years of careful restoration. Someone was looking for something in a real hurry. The landlord is not going to be happy about this...
Conspiracy is afoot. And they're in no mood for pleasantries... or sticking around for a few minutes to just kill Jason or something.
Okay! Who likes pixel hunting! Can you find the secret Annie Decoder Ring in this picture? I'll give you a minute!
It's right here! It was in the lining of your chair all along. And it was literally ONE FUCKING PIXEL.
It's the long lost Little Orphan Annie decoder ring you and your brotherused [sic] to decode secret messages sent to each other.
With the ring you are able to decode your brother's message.
The last thing to do is use the reel to reel tape on the tape recorder.
The tape is a recording of Allen reciting the combination to his safe. You quickly write the combination down on a scrap of paper.
And back to work to get into the vault! We'll worry about that safe another time.
The first thing we do is combine our green beaker with the dart to make a dipped dart. Notice we wasted the whole bottle on one dart.
Next we load the blowgun. Jason has presumably never used this in his whole life, I would think.
You have to climb this stump with the branches on the side. Please note Jason is currently standing in mid-air.
As if the game didn't hate you enough, you can't just click on this guy to solve the puzzle. You have to wait for him to walk all the way to the right to hit him. God forbid you miss your chance or you have to wait for him to go all the way left and all the way right again. Do all that and...
The dart strikes the guard, filling him with uncontrollable desire for the woman near the guardhouse.
If that expression doesn't say lust, I don't know what does. He's so rugged and handsome!
And with that, the guard and his new girlfriend go offscreen, where all game characters go to get nookie.
Fortunately, they throw a jacket and a pixel. A pixel? That can only mean a key!
You have to move closer to take it.
Oh, come on!
After contending with that, we have to contend with really sloppy game art. You have to go straight up from where I am to cross the gate. "Slowbeef, doesn't that mean you'll be walking through the left side of the guardhouse?" Yes!
Also, bear! Come on, where the fuck did he come from?!
It's content with the garbage can, you'd think, except the can is locked with a chain so that animals can't get to it.
We've got the vault key and we're alread there, so... Who cares?
We do. Whenever you die, you get "SHOCK WARNING!" for reasons I can't fathom.
Well, the death screen in the game only implies sodomy from a guy with a messed up face and his name on his shirt, so I guess that's not so bad.
If we were nearer the bear...
Hmmm. To solve this puzzle out of nowhere, it's a good thing we grabbed the bolt cutters from Darlene's car. You can use it to snip the chain on the garbage can.
Now the bear will be distracted by that garbage (I guess) and we can get into the vault to find...
A fucking robot!
"The Intruder Must Be Terminated"
Next up on Amazon: Guardians of Eden - Robots! For like a second.
Bonus: More Darlene!