The Let's Play Archive

Amazon: Guardians of Eden

by slowbeef

Part 3

Jason has the top secret security vault in search of Allen's files. Little does he realize the area is being patrolled by 'B.O.B.' Binary Overseer Biped . This robotic terror is in development for use against the vast commnist hordes who plan the overthrow of the American way of life.

Until that day, this metal titan guards the secrets that keep this country strong....

Okay, so welcome to Episode 3: Heavy-Metal Monster, or as I like to call it: "False Advertising." We get a glimpse of the danger that awaits us:

B.O.B. is patrolling the front of the vault. He's apparently not the best security robot in the world, though, as he's fine with you just standing there in the vault. Walk too close to him...

And Jason gets shot. How does B.O.B. shoot him with no visible gun? Why is it listed as a programming fault even though it's actually what B.O.B. is programmed to do? What kind of horrible acronym is Binary Overseer Biped?

Wait, as long as I'm asking the questions, doesn't "Shot Jason" look a lot different from "Imprisoned Jason" and from "Intro Smiley Jason?" And wait - he doesn't get that outfit until later in the game!

The answer to all of these questions is a definitive Fuck You as Access Software just tries to sweep all that shit under the rug. The trick here - believe it or not is to go back outside where the guards are still enjoying their tryst and the bear is just magically gone.

Now take the garbage can and you've solved the puzzle! No, seriously.

Since B.O.B. was developed in the 1950s, I guess it's not so much of a stretch to say you can fool him by putting a trash can on your head. Keep in mind, the game has no concept of "self" to use items on, so if you walk in with the trash can in your inventory, Jason just does this part for you. Which is fine by me, because it's a pretty stupid puzzle.

Anyway, B.O.B. assumes you're taking over his shift (really) and leaves. Even know the chapter is named presumably named after him, that's the last we'll see of it. Jason removes the trash can.

The device on the right is an Introciter. What's that? I don't know, and neither does the game.

The Introciter sits only partially assembled at the far end of the cavern. This advanced piece of equipment was found in hte labs of Dr. Meecham. No one has yet figured out how to make it work.

This isn't a puzzle, or even a red herring. It's just a bit of background that's there for no reason at all. Just pull that lever to open the vault.

The bottom right drawer is the only one that contains anything of interest to you, according to the dialogue boxes. The only problem is: It's stuck closed!

That's okay, because this is a "no-reason" puzzle. You get the crowbar with the bolt cutters from Darlene's trunk - there is no way to take one without the other. You need the bolt cutters to get in here. So, you're guaranteed to have the crowbar which you need for this drawer.

This puzzle, in other words, is solved by an item you are guaranteed to have and is really nothing more than busy work for you to do. Anyway, pry it open to get Allen's "file."

You're also not allowed to examine or manipulate your inventory, so there's actually no way to get the game to tell you what this is a map of. Lovely.

Well, that's the end of B.O.B. and the vault, but we've more to do in this chapter. Let's head back inside.

The library - and owner of the third car - is now available. Since she's a huge Slayer fan, that's actually the heavy metal monster we'll be dealing with. We're going to ignore her for now in order to get to Allen's safe.

Behind the dartboard?! Allen! That's like the first spot I looked! Anyway, use the combination (it's an item now) to open it and attain $1000 in cash.

Oops! Actually, we still need to check out the microfilm, so nice try trying to trick me, game!

Also for any of you wondering why I'm not taking the bow, the game informs me that I don't need it. Duh. Blowgun, sure, but a bow is really just ridiculous. Come on.

Well, the only place to get microfilm checked out is the library, so...

...Cat-eye glasses? Cat-eye glasses? You might as well just give her a t-shirt that says "Librarian".

Jason: Good day, Miss Morton. I need to use the Microfilm machine.
Librarian: What? You want access to one of the technological wonders of the decade? Absolutely not!
Jason: Did you know you're beautiful when your face is flushed red with anger? [It's the best option I saw!]
Librarian: Hold it, mister! I received a report that someone stole microfilm from the vault. What do you want to look at?
Jason: Just some old fishing trip slides taken at Yellowstone.
Librarian: You're acting very suspicious! I think security needs to be notified...


Oh no! I got sodomized by Bruno! Is he bald or is that a big red wig? What's going on with Bruno? Yeah, saying the wrong things to the libarian is fatal. Let's try that again.

Jason: I've got a message for you...
Librarian: Well... what is it?
Jason: Mr. Thornick needs to see you in his office.
Librarian: When Mr. Thornick wants to see me, he calls me personally.

I'm glad the game bothered with this whole dialogue tree system even though 95% of the time it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Librarian: Now what?
Jason: Are those a pair of the new cateye style glasses? Makes you look years younger.
Librarian: I may look young, but these aches and pains make me feel ancient! And I'm getting so forgetful! Yesterday, I forgot my purse and last week I left the lights on in my car and I had to leave my station to turn them off. I'd lose my ears if they weren't attached. Also, you'll want to use a coat hanger to break into my car.

Okay, she doesn't say that last sentence, but they pretty much gave you the solution anyway. Keep in mind that Access also provides you with an in-game hint system, so they REALLY don't think much of you.

Thankfully, this is not the end of the conversation.

Librarian: How dare you! I'm a married woman, you unspeakable cad! Get out of here this instant!

All I said was lie down at the nurse's station! Anyway.

Welcome to another one of "You need to be on top of the item to take it" moments that make this game a chore to play. Thanks, Access.

If you're not a car person or never heard of this, on older models of cars, you can untwist a wire hanger and insert it between the driver side window and the rubber weather sealing. Angle it to catch onto the bolt used to manually lock and unlock the doors. This is a makeshift solution if you lock your keys in your car.

This no longer works on newer models, so put down that coat hanger Stalker McRapist. Also, didn't I tell you to leave?

The button on the left of the dashboard turns on her lights. For God knows what reason you can't just lie about it - you actually have to turn on her lights. Trespassing, influencing people to have sex via chemical, and theft, sure, but not lying about leaving your lights on! That's just dirty pool. Anyway, do it and return.

Jason: I went out to my car and noticed your lights were on.
Librarian: Darn it. I'll be right back!

Now we're in and for no good reason, have all the time in the world. Let's check out the microfilm!

Thousands of miles away from civilization in the remote jungles of the Amazon, famed archaeologist, Hans Stroheim is searching to solve one of the great mysteries of the western world.

Inside a hidden cavern, Stroheim believes he has found clues to the whereabouts of the "Eyes of the Jaguar", the huge emeralds given by Aztec king Montezuma to Hernando Cortez in 1519.

Montezuma believed that Cortez was the great bearded God whose coming had long been foretold in Aztec legend. The eight perfect emeralds were said to be the greatest treasure of the Aztec Civilization.

The emeralds did not stay long with Cortez,however. [sic] One of his own generals, Diaz Valesquez, stole the tribute for himself. Valesquez was pursued to the Amazon basic where all traces of his party and the emeralds were lost.

Dr. Stroheim believes he has found a connection between strange inscriptions inside the recently discovered cavern and the fate of Valesquez and the emeralds. If so, then this mystery which has puzzled the world for over 400 years may soon be solved.

Wow. I'm glad they locked all this information in a vault because God forbid it was the kind of thing you could read in a damn encyclopedia.



Sigh. I think the developers had too many hiding places and not enough stuff to hide. Well, to be fair, Dr. Stroheim is pertinent (fictional) information.

One last thing to to do.

Get the fuck outta Dodge, and find Allen! Now prepare to meet the most awesome video game villain of all time.

Colonel Sanchez.

Thousands of miles away in a dirty, forgotten village at the edge of the jungle, a tall, fat policeman known as Colonel Sanchez sits behind a desk. Though not officially a colonel, Sanchez uses the title as a sign of his own importance.

Even the term 'policeman' is a paradox. [A paradox? Are you sure that's the right word?] There is no law here. The police are no more than legalized criminals who exploit the poor people of the region.

Sanchez knows about Jason and Allen. His agents did not get what they needed from Jason's apartment, but soon Jason will be in Sanchez' country [wrong use of the apostrophe - it should be Sanchez's. THE MORE YOU KNOW.] It will be much easier then. For now, Sanchez impatiently waits for information on Allen's whereabouts.

For the love of God, this video has some great acting and wait til you hear how well timed the music is!

Sanchez: Come in!

Grunt: Sir!
Sanchez: The attempt to recover the package has failed. What have you found at the campsite?
Grunt: We have nothing!

Grunt: (in a completely different voice) The men will not go near that place. But we know the brother survived. We will continue the search.
Sanchez: He must be found!!!

Bonus: Chapter 3 Assorted Nonsense