Part 56: INTERVIEW: Invidia
No. We want to ascertain your stability.
I'm plenty stable, I can assure you!
The questions will prove that. Are you ready to answer?
I'm as ready as a singer right before their debut concert. Which means... not ready at all.
That's too bad. Let's begin slowly, then. Say your name and occupation.
A student, yes.
No, no... I'd rather be put down as a cool dude. Can you do that?
Sadly, these reports are pretty serious, so I can't put down misinformation. I will note that you said this, though.
When is your birthday?
It is the twenty-seventh of May. That's two plus seven, of the sixth month.
Fifth. Fifth month.
And what is your favorite color?
If I didn't know better, I'd think you're asking me out. It's green, obviously. I mean, look at what I'm wearing. It's cool, isn't it?
Very cool, sure. Now, we'll have eight in-depth questions. Please answer concisely. You can go into details, but do not go off-topic.
The first question is... Do you like military stuff?
You mean like guns? I'll have a pass on that one, no tanks. I don't think any of that's a-AK with me. But I understand, you had to take a shot for your questions, right?
Please cease this madness.
I asked nicely.
Alright, alright, fine. Camo's pretty alright, though. I'll at least say that!
Because it's green.
Yeah, why not? And it makes you invisible.
That's not quite how it works. Next question is: What are your hobbies?
I like laser tag, as evidenced by my outfit, which is a laser tag suit! I made it myself after managing to convince the local establishment. We purchased some of the materials they made them out of. When I say we, I mean all of us in the gang. It was hella expensive, did you know?
Of course, the helmet isn't included in the outfit...
Please don't stray off-topic.
Right, my hobbies. Uhh... I like to clean up. Kinda weird, but doing the dishes, washing the windows and such are all things I enjoy doing. Making things orderly is great. Maybe it's a result of having so many sisters. What else? Oh, playing pranks on said sisters is great too... until they beat my ass.
Speaking of your siblings, do any of them share a birthday?
Actually, yes! You'd never guess it, but in my large family of six sisters, three of them share one. They're triplets! I mean, if you'd seen them, then I guess you could've guessed it... But I digress. Of course, they're all older than me, but it does bridge the age gap better, right? My oldest sister is in her early twenties. If those sisters hadn't been triplets, then it would've been at least six years apart between my oldest sister and me. Crazy stuff!
The next question is a little technical. Are you aware of computers and the parts in them?
Well, one of the components is a graphics card. If you got a new NVIDIA card, which sister would you give your old one to?
NVIDIA, huh? That's pretty spicy for a name. I'd probably give it to my oldest sister! She's a bit of a nerd. She's got, like, this huge PC and... Honestly, I don't really get it or anything, but it's super complicated. So yeah, probably to her. Wait, no... it wouldn't matter, would it? She already has this crazy PC. Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Ophelia. She's the one right before me.
Still in the topic of electronics, this question here is about video game consoles. If you have one, which one is it?
We've got a Nintendo 64, and only three games for it. We got Mario, Zelda, and Superman. Although... we never played the third one. It's still sealed, and it's my big sister's joy and pride. Apparently it's super rare. I don't get it, but people can be pretty weird with that kind of stuff. Played the shit out of the other games, though.
Now for a change in topic. The next one asks you, will you be my waifu?
Obviously, I didn't ask the question myself, this is from one of the higher-ups. Also, this question is a little difficult, so I'll explain what it means.
Yeah, I'm lost.
Apparently it has to do with Japanese anime. When someone enjoys a character a lot, they decide that this character is now their waifu. It's basically wife but pronounced with a Japanese accent.
Oh, I thought they asked if I would be their Wi-Fi. Wait, this is kind of weird, isn't it?
Yes, but that's the question we got, so please answer it.
Well, anyway. I don't think I fit the bill for that kind of thing? I'm not exactly equipped to be a wife, you know? Unless you want to, uh... put a skirt on me. Not really my thing, though. Guys don't wear skirts, after all. Hmm... Ah, that's probably sexist, isn't it? Forget I said anything. I just meant to say that it wouldn't work on me.
Besides, waifus are fictional, aren't they?
Well, then that's obviously not going to work. Do I look fictional?
Who knows. We have two questions left.
Only two? Don't you have more than this? It's fun so far.
You think revealing parts of yourself to complete strangers is fun?
Why not? It makes me think about who I am, too.
Do you like cantaloupe?
What, do I need to expand on that one?
You don't have to.
Alright! Onto the last one!
If you could erase one kind of food from existence, what would it be?
Hmm... Does this include full meals, or only parts of meals?
I don't know. Just say what you think is suitable.
Well, then! I'll just say super greasy food. Yeah, that kind. You know those weird-ass restaurants that take pride in making really disgusting burgers?
Why is this even popular? Do people really enjoy spending money to kill themselves? Are you guys aware that you are what you eat? Imagine eating a big burger like that. Whoops, here come the heart attacks! Aw man, really? After like twenty years, you want to end it all by eating stupid super greasy food? That's pathetic. Take better care of your health!
Alright, that's enough now. We'll put you back in the vat since you seem stable.
Can't I have a laser tag match first?
That was bothersome by the end. He should take life more seriously. Interview over. Any further questions will be declined. Log complete.