Part 68: Update Sixty Four: Cut Down For Your ConvenienceUpdate Sixty Four: Cut Down For Your Convenience
Howdy, folks, and welcome back! Last time, on Chrono Trigger, we did a horseshit quest in the Lost Sanctum. Today, we're doing another one involving bridge-building and that fucking Nu, so let's bounce.
As the title indicates, I've done what I can to cut this update down to prevent you all from having to deal with the tedium I did.
Screenshots might not convey this very well, but I do want to say I'm so goddamned pissed off at this bullshit.
Usually for an update, I take ten to twenty minutes of footage and gather my shots from that; I get a little over 150 on average.
For this shit?
I took thirty-seven fucking minutes of footage for this.
And I took 115 shots to bring it to you.
Most of the time spent playing is climbing up and down Mount Emerald.
I would rather squeeze my left nut in a vise than to do this sidequest again.
Honestly, if there's ever been one instance that's made me not to want to write an update, it's this shit.
Thankfully, we already have the ingot this asshole wants, so we just need to pop back to prehistory to get the other two things he wants.
So we go and grab the Golden Hammer, since he's too good for Stanley brand, I guess.
Keep in mind, this fucking dickface wanted the Golden Hammer, and he doesn't do shit with it. As far as we know, he's shoving it up his urethra at night because he finds it more comfortable to sleep like that.
Do you guys remember this Reptite?
Thanks be to the divine force of JRPGs, because I did.
Though, it seems to be too much trouble for this guy to just shut up and go cut us some wood.
He disappears off-screen, we fade to black, and he returns.
He gives us the Godwood and we can scoot back to the Middle Ages.
I would fucking hope so!
Just you wait until you see the bridge he builds. The bullshit there is amazing.
I hope you fall off of it, break your spine, and have to die of dehydration.
AND THEN HE HANDS OVER A USELESS FUCKING HELMET
Sure, it seems you're supposed to do this content before you do the Black Omen and the other sidequests, but c'mon, a fucking Haste Helm!? Nobody uses that shit anyway!
Before you can get this dialog, by the way, you have to leave the goddamned Sanctum and walk back in. That's the only trigger for it; you can't go rest and have it trigger, or go do some fights, or anything like that. Just walk in and out, but the game doesn't make that clear. It doesn't fucking tell you that the guy needs some time to do it and you should go fuck off for a bit.
There's another quest we could do right now, but that involves traveling back in time and climbing Mount Emerald.
IT'S ALL GODDAMNED BULLSHIT IN HERE I HATE THIS PLACE
I know where the fucking mountain is, you cunt!
So up the mountain we go.
The bridge is being built past this douchebag.
Never mind how the hell he got past this sleeping fuck, when he wouldn't even let us, the only "friends" he has get past.
But, whatever, we're past him.
This cave is also goddamned pointless. There's no fucking reason for it to be here, beyond adding an extra five seconds to this content.
Do you guys like reused assets? I sure fucking hope so! Not only did this asshole recreate the bridge in Guardia Castle, but he also apparently built an entrance to said castle, as well as putting up some fucking mountains in the background!
Chrono helps him back up, because this stupid fuck doesn't know how to build handrails.
I'm sorry for being so angry during this update.
I'm not usually like this. But the Lost Sanctum is wearing me down.
This Nu is the cause of my stress headache.
Walk through the little cave and ask him yourself, you piece of shit!
Or we'll goddamn do it.
I'm glad Robo isn't here. That tin fuck would probably have some more shit to say about friendship.
Even this guy can't believe who we found!
At least I didn't have to trek the mountain again.
You're a piece of shit with an annoying counter. That isn't strength. It's bad boss design.
There's also a lot of fading to black in the Lost Sanctum. Like they weren't willing to put the effort in for some simple animations.
You shut your whore mouth.
I don't know what this asshole was eating for the last sixty-five million years, but he's apparently too goddamned lazy to go out the few screens, kill a Hercules Beetle with minimum effort, and feast on its innards.
See, since we're here, we're automatically chumps that get sent on shit assignments.
I think I want to cry.
Talk about padding in any other game, but at least it isn't this bullshit.
This is even worse than the S.S. Zelbess in Chrono Cross.
I hope he chokes, dies, and haunts your ass for the rest of eternity.
And so we go back up the mountain.
But not for the last time this update! Oh, fucking no, not at all!
Chrono takes the lunch and jams it in the Nu's gullet.
I would have eaten your heart and wiped my ass with your Mohawk had you bitched about it.
Here's a hint; he's fucking lying.
Since there's more bullshit to go before he'll get back to work.
We just can't go and get him anything. He wants a specific bit of food.
Frog, it's dropped by a specific encounter in Prehistory! That's not simple!
And back down we go.
These guys give us hints if we need them. Basically, go kill shit in the jungle.
The biggest mercy here is that a specific encounter drops it and it's easy to get to.
I'm surprised we don't have to climb Mount Emerald again. It seems in the spirit of spite that makes up this bonus content.
Hey, Cyclone! When's the last time we saw that?
I cut out the five minutes I spent fucking around in other fights before finding this one.
Oh, yeah. All that peckerhead wanted was a fucking banana.
A goddamned banana. We could have gone to the grocery store and gotten him a bushel of these.
Whatever, we're almost done. Back to the Middle Ages.
And up Mount Emerald yet again.
I see why that put that save point there.
It's so that when you're playing this, you can use a Shelter, save your game, write a quick note, and go kill yourself.
Then when your family finds your DS and sees where you left off, the angry and garbled suicide note that says nothing but "Mount Emerald" over and over again, they understand perfectly.
At least he said thank you. That's nice.
And after all that bullshit, the bridge isn't even fucking finished.
We've got to complete another shitquest here before it'll be finished.
We're done with this update. I'm going to go nurse my headache and wish for death.