Part 37: DESTROY THE WORLD for Jah Love!

Now, there's two ways you can win a culture victory.

The first way is the way it's mostly intended to be: a defensive victory where you hide in your unassailable corner of the earth, grinding out as many culture points as possible and also building lots of wonders because they get you more culture points (magnified by policies in Freedom and Piety which give you more culture per wonder).

Well, guess what. Maria Theresa is gunning for that type of victory, and so far she's been outperforming us. That means we need to go for the other type of culture victory: offense.

That means conquering and puppeting as many cities as we can, razing the lousy ones so our happiness is not too devastated in the process…and finally, conquering and absorbing Austria so we get all of its wonderful culture-generating wonders.

We're probably going to have to go through Attila too. I agreed to a declaration of friendship with him just to hopefully get him off my back…but if I need to strike first that means I may have to wait a short bit before attacking him because oath breakers are despised by the other players.



I'm having Addis Ababa build its National Epic now while I still can, if I do found a new city it'll not have a free Stele. Hmm. Then I need to decide whether or not I'm going to build Himeji Castle…but I'm probably going to go for it, I really do not want Maria Theresa to build it, you just know she's gonna.

We can also see in this screenshot that Maria Theresa and Attila just signed a peace treaty. Looks like it was mostly a draw between them. Hmm.



Uh, sorry, Attila, but the last time I helped someone big fight someone small, it ended badly for me. You're on your own.



…and on the very next turn my spy notifies me that Attila is getting ready to attack me! Attack me! Well, I knew this would happen, I did I did! This just gives me an excuse to kill you, sir! Good thing I already gave the order for my army to move to Tenochtitlan. It's a bit depleted after killing Montezuma, though.

Also that same spy gave me a new technology from Attila! Man, he is really earning his keep, isn't he?



Trireme, I order you to explore randomly!



This is going to be a hard fight for both of us. I've got the Great Wall, remember, it'll slow down his forces. But his forces currently outnumber mine.

Be interesting to see where this goes! *strokes beard of strategy*



Our first musket rolls off the assembly line, and none too soon! Addis Ababa, get cracking' on that Himeji Castle!



Rams are seriously outdated and completely defenseless against proper melee units. One hit from my pikemen destroys this one. Of course, Attila's other units gang up on him and kill him, but that's the only unit they can attack.



And Maria Theresa has completed the Forbidden Palace! (-10% Unhappiness). RAAARRRR. You're sniggering at me from back there, aren't you, Maria?!



I just had my Great General build a citadel right next to Tenochtitlan. The Great Wall will slow them down, and if they end a turn next to the citadel, they'll take a significant amount of damage. This will make an easterly assault very, very difficult for these assholes.



I don't even know where she lives, lady! That's your problem. Not mine.



Now, this looks bad, but take note: there's only one melee unit in the lot, the pikeman, not including the ram to the north. Without any melee units all the siege in the world won't matter because he won't be able to actually take the city.



See? Proper use of tactics has destroyed half that huge army already. My musket guy is going to take some damage because Attila has put out another crappy city on the river to the south but what the hell… and another one is coming soon. Hee hee.



If you want it, take it.



Maria Theresa is trying to be sneaky and spread her religion to Tenochtitlan without my permission, but I saw this coming and have an Inquisitor stationed in all my cities. Ha-ha! Her Great Prophet circles around aimlessly, confused at all these cities that won't listen to him.



Attila is apparently beginning to realize he can't take me, because my spy says he's pulled his army back a little and is plotting to attack Boudicca next. I let her know, so she likes me more. Also: Another stolen tech!



We're catching up, tech-wise, this is the last technology he's got that I don't. And I still haven't seen a single musket or cannon out of him, he's lagging behind me militarily. As soon as I get Chemistry researched I can finally build cannons and blow this bastard back to Kingdom Come.

I don't want to make the mistake Attila just did and get my army blown away trying to assault a high-defense foe, you see.

New Policy Time!



A little tolerance makes all future policy costs go down. This policy was severely nerfed from how it was in Vanilla Civ V: there, it made costs go down and gave you another free policy to choose. Here, it barely makes up for building one new city. It's really only meant for completionists trying to go for a full culture win.

Better, though, is the fact that this makes our Holy Sites give us extra gold and culture now, because we've finally finished the policy tree!

Oh, and you know what? I got Martaban!



Hmm, it doesn't really give me anything that Tenochtitlan doesn't already give me. So I'm just going to burn it. Even having too many puppets would be detrimental at this stage because of the happiness hit.



Awesome. That was the last wonder I needed to waste time building. The rest will come naturally and if our enemies dare to build them first I'll just take them. With this, we'll have a defensive bonus even if our cities outnumber those of our enemies.



Uh-oh, she's got the cravings for sweets. Well, I'll refrain from being a dick to her until the time comes for me to destroy her, so…sure, you can have it.



As you can see here, Washington is desperately trying to expand too, and I don't begrudge him because he's way behind everyone else tech-wise. I hope he doesn't found a city that cuts me off, though.



MARIAAAA!



AAAAAAGGH! Whoever is on the island needs to die too! The Sistine Chapel increases culture in all cities by 25%. It is vital to the culture victory. NARGH. Time to research some naval techs.



Atlanta, I expected, but Attila has founded another city right where the old one I blew away was. You want to play it that way, pal? HUH!? I'm getting cannons online just for this!



You.

I should have known you'd be the secret thorn in my ass. Darius is well-situated for financial gain or culture victories. HRRRRGHHH.

Say, Darius, mind if I ask where your capital is? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

New Policy Time! We're opening up Commerce, for extra money and extra happiness.



My troops got a little chewed up from fighting in Tepetlaoxtoc…so I pulled them back to let them rest. I've been fighting tons of knights and pikemen, even though Attila does have the technology for muskets. He simply must have a huge army of obsolete units.

So I'm going to do the smart thing again: turn my rivals against each other.



Could you please harass Attila for me? Thanks!



Here's something funny. Maria Theresa's Great Prophet has been hovering near my cities for a long time but unable to convert them because I've got inquisitors in every one. When I stirred up war between her and the Huns, they captured her GP, and then I re-captured it…but I'm not giving it back. Ain't I a stinker? Too bad it's already spread once, I can't use it to create a Holy Site. Delete!



With this, our religious pressure just jumped up by a lot. Maria Theresa's been spreading her own religion like mad, though, it covers 18 cities to our 11. She's been focusing heavily on religious dominance. Fffff.



Caravel, map out the world for me, would ya?



Alright, I conquered Kabul, and this time I've decided not to burn it, it's too much of an important choke point to do so. Hey, Attila, what do you think of your chances now?



Not bad.

Our army is still struggling, but we've made a lot of headway. I really did not expect to be pursuing victory this way, but, c'est la vie.

Then Maria builds the Kremlin. STOP THAT!



Things are heating up again.

After more turns of beating the shit out of Attila's forces, even as he beats the shit out of mine… I get Nakhnon Sawan! Making it a puppet now!

My happiness is really in the toilet, but I don't care. I need to wipe out Attila, he'll never let me be unless his capital is mine.

New policy time!



Need more money for more troops. Need roads to cost less. This will help with both. I can start taking Freedom policies later because right now increasing my gold and happiness is paramount.



Well, it's been quite a turnournound, hasn't it? Austria's forces are swarming Attila too. I need to take the city for myself, though. I don't think Maria is quite evil enough to betray me so soon but this will remove the buffer between our empires, sadly. Oh well.



Gimme everything you can and I might let you live in one little city.



Hmm, this would still leave him with a few little cities instead of one…but whatever, I'll take it. He's too stubborn to offer me anything else.


YIKES. Well, I'm still not going to raze it. Instead I plan on gifting Boise to Washington, who will love me for it and this'll give me plenty more potential Peace Loving Rastas who send my city happiness.



Aaah, Austria's special ability in action, they've bought Wittenberg! Damn. This makes them more powerful still. Next up, though, my army will get a serious upgrade into our unique fighter unit, the Mehal Sefari, and soon after, I'll have artillery, which should totally wipe Maria off the face of the earth!



Fffft. We are runners-up for culture but no matter. Once we destroy Austria, nobody will be able to stop us culturally, scientifically or militarily. Mua-ha-ha.



Alright! Our troops are being upgraded now. Perfect!



Great Prophet, I order you to re-establish Rastafarianism in this area! Bob Marley CDs and pillowcases of ganja have been provided for you!



Austria just build Brandenberg Gate, dammit. That'll make their troops more experienced. And…someone else built Big Ben? Weird, it must just be in a city I haven't uncovered…there's no more players to discover.



So here's where things are. Kind of a big mess, huh? Jeez… one hundred turns from now we'll know who's going to win and who's going to lose. If it looks like Austria is still too runaway I think I might just call it a loss, but right now it could still be my game.