Part 101: Fake Update #21 - The Romance Quest
Fake Update #21 - The Romance Quest
Music - "Sighs of the Elvenkind"
Download (Thanks to Grawl)
This game offers a romance quest. I'm not completely sure if this is meant to be taken seriously, or if it is a stealth parody. I'll point out the moment where it seems to take a distinct turn toward parody.
In the elven village of Fiu Nimble, we can encounter a young elven woman or man.
Since the dialogue is identical, I'll only show Elanessa.
You get three non-"Goodbye" options:
I am but a simple adventurer who wishes to see the beauty of the world, my lady.
Alas, I fear that the beauty of this world has vanished amidst the terrible wars and plagues that defile our lands.
I am but a simple adventurer seeking fame and fortune before he turns grey and old.
Do you truly think that fame and fortune are important? After you are gone and your bones turned to dust, nobody will remember your deeds. Fame is nothing more than a passing moment of vanity.
I am nothing but an unworthy man blinded by your shining beauty, my lady.
You are quite the flatterer, human. Nevetheless, I appreciate your compliments. Thank you!
All choices lead to the same place, either "Sadly, I must leave now," or...
I simply adore listening to your wise words and beautiful voice. Please tell me more about yourself.
I was born in Fiu Nimble and my father, Anorion, taught me the secret ways of my race. Yesterday, father told me that I have reached the age where I shall be given to another man in marriage within our village.
You are to be given to another? I would move the heavens and all the stars within it to be that man!
To marry a stranger, and a human, it is simply impossible! Humans are so short-lived. Why when you are dead and buried I will still be young by elven standards!
But think of the moments we would spend together!
No, I cannot return your love. When I give birth to children, they would be half-elven and my people would consider them outcasts.
Note that we have already met an elf who has some human ancestors, it's Elredor in the Archer's Guild. You can tell because of his distinctly non-elven beard. He seems to be doing alright, so perhaps times have changed since then.
I have never met anyone as beautiful and intelligent as you. To live without your love is unthinkable. Please give me a chance!
You are a stranger and I do not know you. We have talked only a few minutes and now you are asking me about feelings I cannot return.
Yeah, she doesn't even know his name yet and he's asking her to marry her? Stalker alert!
I will do anything you ask to prove and to be worthy of your love. Is there nothing I can do for your people?
Please do not make me say things that I will regret later. We do not belong together!
Please, do not judge me harshly because of racial prejudice. It matters not that you are an elf to me. I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you.
More like his penis fell in love with her, I bet.
I do not think it is the right time for a relationship. My father speaks of an impending war with the dwarves and times ahead will be harsh and full of danger.
Fear not, I will do my best to bring an end to this conflict with the dwarves and avert war! I do this for you, and your people.
But mostly, because the main plot demands it.
If you truly can help my people avoid this bloody war with the dwarves, then maybe there is hope for love between us.
So we have to at least solve the Elven Burial Grounds part of the main plot. I don't know if we also have to solve the Axe of Stone crisis as well. But before we do that, let's go talk to her father, Anorion. I don't have those screenshots handy for Jeremiah, so we're switching genders for just a second.
I have spoken to your daughter, Eleanessa. She is the most strikingly handsome female I have ever seen!
Cut to after solving the crisis.
It is done. The conflict between the elves and the dwarves is settled. There shall be no more.
I......... love you!
I dot dot dot, dot dot dot still don't care!
You are so brave against the forces of evil. I... I would like to spend more time with you and get to know you better.
*Try to kiss Eleanessa.*
If you truly love me, then elven tradition is that you should bring me a gift of love.
A ha ha ! Shut down!
Tell me more about this tradition of a gift of love.
Where can I find such a lover's gift?
You see this picture? This necklace belonged to my grandmother. It was her pride and joy, given to her by my grandfather as a sign of his love. Alas, she outlived my grandfather and when the necklace was lost during the Age of the Damned, it almost destroyed her. Father searched for years but to no avail. Please try and find the necklace.
You show me a picture of a lost necklace and ask me if I can retrieve it? That is quite difficult to say the least!
Take a hint, dude. She's trying to blow you off.
If I really mean so much to you, you should try to find it, even if it takes years to do so. Your love for me will be revealed truly and I will gladly give you my heart.
And you thought HUMAN women were high-maintenance.
Is there no clue as to where the necklace was last seen? I need a place to start my search at least!
All I know is that the necklace belonged to my grandmother and she died during the Age of the Damned. I hope that the illustration will help you to find it.
A human wants to marry my own daughter? Pah! If you find the necklace and offer it to her then I will give you her hand. But be assured that only a fool would try to find it. The necklace was lost during an age long forgotten by you short-lived humans.
He's honourable, at least. Certainly more honourable that the main character, if he continued down this line. The game world is HUGE. Even if we restrict ourselves to the places in the Dark Forest which we can reach on foot, it's huge. When you add to that that we can move rocks around... searching for the necklace could take days of playing.
And do you know what? It would be completely futile. Elanessa and Anorion are right. There IS literally no way we can find that necklace. It is not present anywhere in the game for us to find. But we don't need to find the necklace. No one alive has ever seen it. Remember way back in Chapter 35?
I'm interested in learning more about your job.
My industrius brethren work very hard in the mines to bring me the rarest and most beautiful gems in the whole of Rivellon. I craft the finest brooches, rings and necklaces. If you ever need a commissioned piece, give me an illustration of your desired jewellery and I make a perfect copy.
That's right. We're going to do what you think we're going to do. This is where I suspect that the quest is turning into a stealth parody
Could you look at this picture and tell me if you could make a copy of it? But it has to be an exact copy!
Let me see. My, that is definitely elven work. Well... I can make an exact copy for you, but it will cost you 7,500 gold coins.
Here is the money. Please start with your work...
Very well. I will start work immediately. Please return later again and I should have the necklace ready for you.
I have good news for you. The necklace is finished. I hope you are satisfied with the quality of my work?
Excellent work. I bet nobody could tell this is not the original amulet.
This is bad enough. But wait until you see what happens next...
Eleanessa. I have found your grandmother's necklace. The search was full of danger, but I cared not, knowing that it would bring you happiness.
And also that it would get me into your pants.
What a douchebag.
I fear I must leave you soon. As long as there is no peace in Rivellon, it is my duty to help in the fight against evil.
Unless the evil is exploiting gullible women to satiate unbridled lust. I'm okay with that.
Since the first moment I saw you in Fiu-Nimble I knew that you were a brave and noble man at heart. In my thoughts I will always fight on your side in your quest against evil.
Your lips are joyously soft and I feel so safe and comfortable in your strong arms. Please, kiss me again.
*Kiss Eleanessa again*
Hmmm! I enjoy every moment with you.
*Kiss Eleanessa passionately*
*Kiss Eleanessa yet again*
Mmmmmm... that was wonderful!
Sadly, I must leave now.
Yeah, this relationship is really going to last a LONG time, I'm sure.
I have retrieved the necklace. Does that mean you are now my father-in-law?
Hrmpfh! I will tell you something, human; in a few decades you will be dead and my daughter will still be a young girl. Then will she realize what a mistake she has made.
And that is it. There's nothing more to do with Eleanessa or Anorion ever again, and I am glad of it.
So what do you think, readers? a) Horribly awkward, yet sincere writing, or b) Clever(?) stealth parody?
EDIT: The thread's consensus was that it was a parody. King Doom offered an possible explanation of specifically what was being parodied:
King Doom posted:
Bit late, since I only just got to page 27 after reading from about page ten, but the entire 'romance' is kinda a jokey reference to Baldurs gate 2, or at least, that's what I read on the Larian forums, many many years ago. For those of you who never played BG2, the guy who came up with the romances in that game had a MASSIVE elf fetish, so much so that male characters can romance one of two elves and a half elf, while female characters can romance a guy I've seen described as 'slightly less interesting than a rock with self confidence issues' and 'in posession of a beard that can only be described as the kiddyfiddler XL'.
Finally, this quest makes sense now.