The Let's Play Archive

Dominions 3

by Lilli et al.

Part 135: Hinnom - Diplomacy


Hey, uh, dude? How are things going? Are you winning against Arco?

Hello and, again, welcome to the Mictlan Science computer-aided enrichment center. While safety is one of many Enrichment Center goals, the Mictlan Science High Energy Ozelotl Pellet, seen to the left, can and has caused permanent disabilities, such as vaporization.

OK dude, well that's cool. Who builds a science center in the middle of the jungle anyway?

Hey there lunchbox, how are things going?

Uh, they're OK dude.

Listen pal, I keep seeing you sending all these giants to their death in Lanka. But let's talk numbers. How many T'ien Ch'i related deaths a year? 100,000? That's, what, 270 a day? Tragedy. How many Pan related deaths a year? 11,000? That comes out to a measly 30 a day! How many jaguar warrior deaths a year? Ten point four million! That comes out to, what? Help me out here man! People are dying and you're sitting on your ass sending wave after wave of giants to commit suicide on a bunch of monkey-fuckers.


Don't go all pouty, tons of fun. Think about it. Rainbow Dash is the future and you need to get in on the ground floor. Your nation isn't going anywhere but you can still be a part of something real.


Listen Schneeble, you don't mind if I call you Schneeble do you? Let me talk to you about Pantokrators. See, I need more than Mictlan. And for that matter, I need more than you or Hinnom too. I believe that we need freedom and choice when it comes to choosing Rainbow Dash, and that, Schneeble, that is the definition of liberty. Schneeble, you know I'm trying to help you.

Sure, and I appreciate that. And I wanna help you. I like Arcoscephale. I would've liked to have been an Oreiad myself, but my CP...

You know that Pantokrator that can win any game? I'm him... on crack. Ditch that zero Hinnom and get with this hero. Leave Lanka and Hinnom to fight it out and come help me fight Mictlan. You can even keep any territory you take.

Where's your head, Dexanth? Where do you think the pressure's coming from? Lilli - or whatever you want to call her - she knows where I am right now. She's got the front burner under your ass to let me go so she can scoop me up ten minutes later. An NAP with TheDemon was just a deal with you assholes. I got a whole new problem when I get out of that war.

Let's talk numbers. How many T'ien Ch'i related deaths a year? 100,000? That's, what, 270 a day? Tragedy. How many Pan related deaths a year? 11,000? That comes out to a measly 30 a day! How many jaguar warrior deaths a year? Ten point four million! That comes out to, what? A hell of a lot more than anyone else. You don't want Mictlan to win do you? Rainbow Dash might die! Again! Think of the children!

To a Virtue the explanation is never that complicated. It's always simple. There's no mystery to the game, no arch criminal behind it all. If you got a dead nation and you think his neighbor did it, you're gonna find out you're right.

But to hear Hinnom tell it, anybody could have worked for the Pantokrator. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. He's won.

Great to meet you. Really great. Listen, let me get just a minute of your time.

Believe it or not, Pan isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home!

Great, so glad you could spare a minute. Listen Pan, I just...

My name is Art Vandelay. I'm an architect.

Hey, I'm not here to fight about who's who or what's what. I just need Pan on my side in this fight against Mictlan. And it's not just me. The world needs Pan. Mictlan is the biggest threat the world has ever seen and if you let Mictlan run away with this game you're a bigger fool than we both knew you were. Letting Mictlan kill me. Where's the action in that? Throw some of those Maenads Mictlan's way. T'ien Ch'i will still be there when they get back.

Listen pal, what's going on here?

I don't know. I just... I'm not getting through to these people.

What's the problem? Tell them they have to help you stop Mictlan! Don't they know how important it is to stop Mictlan from winning?

I think they know that.

Can't they see this is important? What the fuck do they think is going to happen here? If Rainbow Dash dies then the light of the world is extinguished!

I know. I just don't know what to tell them. I've tried every angle! Told them how big she is and how threatening. Pointed out that she has as many provinces as I do and almost as much research! Explained how she's killing me and without help we'll die! I just don't know what else I can say to get them to throw their pixel mans against her omnipresent threat!

You'll just have to do better. Try harder. Make them understand that if they don't attack Mictlan right now then Rainbow Dash will fall and this game will be over!

Hey, uh, dude. Seriously, I heard you were really killing Arco, like really fast. Dexanth said you had, like a secret weapon or something.

Most people emerge from diplomacy with Dexanth terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.

Come on dude, I was just asking about Arco dying. Are you winning? He said something about a secret weapon.

Dude! What was that?

Don't worry. Those are just my garden gnomes. They help me garden. Here at the Mictlan Science computer-aided enrichment center we believe gardening is a great stress reliever. Anyway, Dexanth is not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you want to just put him in charge of the entire world?

Oh, uh, OK dude. I guess that's cool. I'm just not so good around blood. So, uh, if you're going to kill him can you let me know?

Hey dude. Glad you could make it. I just ordered more chips. Have you talked to Arco at all?

If I told you the Loch Ness monster hired me to hit the harbor, what would you say?

Dude. Is that a good idea?

Listen, dude. In Empire, Luke found out Vader was his father, but instead of putting away his lightsaber and talking about it, he overreacted and got his hand cut off. I mean, they worked it out eventually, but at what cost? Another Death Star was destroyed, Boba Fett got eaten by the Sarlacc, and we got the Ewoks. It all could've been avoided if they'd just, you know, communicated. And let's face it. The Ewoks sucked, dude.

What Arco and Mictlan never figured out, and what I know now, was that we will never break, never lie down, never bend over for anybody. Anybody.

This is going to end with you and me running through the jungle screaming and crying. They catch me first because I'm heavy and I get cramps.

How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?

I guess we'll just have to find out.

So, uh, dude, what are you going to do about Dexanth?

All right, listen closely, I was talking to Dexanth and I told him I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave him your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries". You're in latex.

Uh, OK dude. But, you know, what do you think about helping him out? Is Lilli going to get super huge and just win? It seems like he's kind of worried about Rainbow Dash but he's not really offering us any incentive at all to help him out. I just want to know, do you think not helping him is the right idea?

Pal, how's it going? Killing some Melqarts? How about turning all that murderous rage on a different target.

You speak to me as if I were your brother.

Listen pal, why don't we all just get a little friendlier here. There's no need for you and Hinnom to fight when there's a much bigger problem out there.

Look at this knife? Do you have any idea how badly I want to stab builds character with this knife? But what I am... is trapped. And I've been trapped for so long, that I've forgotten what it feels like to be free. But before I was trapped, I was a man, Dexanth, just like you.

Of course you were, but listen there's no way you can kill builds character and get off your island like this. Help me out first and I'll make sure builds character dies. You just can't do it like this.

Don't tell me what I can't do... Don't tell me what I can't do!

Hey, we're on the same side here. We both want Mictlan dead! Now let's make it happen.

If you keep talking I am going to stab you.

Looks like it's just you and me. Send me all your stuff and we can beat Mictlan together!

How many times do I have to tell you Dexanth? I always have a plan.

Your plan better be sending me all your stuff and helping me kill Mictlan instead of fucking around with that piss-ant war with Pan!

Yes... that's it. That's definitely the plan.

Well, pal, how did it go?

Not so great. I just, I think I got one of them to believe.

I told you that you have to get help or Rainbow Dash will die. What's wrong with you? You need to do better than this. What is wrong with these selish fucks? Don't they understand what's at stake?

God damnit, I'm trying! I don't know what's wrong with them, but...

You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased. Unprejudiced. Fair. One man is born a hero, his brother a coward. Babies starve, politicians grow fat. Holy men are martyred, and junkies grow legion.

Why? Why, why, why, why, why? Luck! Blind, stupid, simple, fucking, clueless luck!