Part 87: Episode LXV: This is a Story About the Hunt for Legendary Meat
Episode LXV: This is a Story About the Hunt for Legendary Meat
Once upon a time, many moons ago...
...there was a beautiful Intoner and a young man.
The Intoner was driven by a vast array of lusts. A lust for honor. For wealth. For sex. For food.
And the young man who accompanied her... was really, really sick of it.
Wasting no time, Five's Prologue immediately does away with the first of the two required campfire scenes. We open in the Land of Sands where Five is chilling out with Dito and three massive chests by a cozy fire. Having Five speak with her disciple will begin the first mission of Five's DLC. But first, let's find out what's in the boxes, shall we? Or rather, mostly Dito's thoughts on what's in the box. Five's Prologue is just as much about her as it is Dito's Bogus Adventure.
Oh, here it comes. The treasured utility belt of pleasure toys. I can't believe you actually use all that junk. But you do. Oh, you do. I'm very well aware... Just what I'd expect from the Queen of the Depraved. I mean, look at that one! It's actually been worn down from overuse! She just HAS to try out every toy in the book. And I'm just another one for the collection.
Make sure you eat foods that give you plenty of stamina. I need you to last.
She's even bad with the toys... Idiot.
Alright. So we have Five's sex gizmo crate. Good to know. And next up is...
Oh god. I'm gonna be sick. Eating that crap all the time is what makes her smell so sickly sweet. I mean, don't get me wrong--sweet is okay. But this ain't sweet I'm talkin' about. It's SICKLY sweet. Only ants like stuff that smells sickly sweet. So gross. I hope you get eaten by a bunch of giant ants. Or you die facedown in a bowl of pudding.
Sorry, did someone mention pudding?
Nope. Must be hearin' things.
Ugh. That smell is going to infect my brain.
Once Five accidentally dropped some of her equipment from the sex toy crate into the chest full of melted candy bars. Let's just say Dito has never been a fan of the sweets ever since...
Ugh. Is that WHOLE THING filled with clothes? I mean, not that you can really CALL them clothes. Basically a few wisps of fabric held together with twine. If the word "slutty" owned a department store... this crap would be in the front window. No style at all. All they do is show skin. We're about to go into COMBAT for hell's sakes! How is this practical in any way? I'm almost curious enough to bring it up. But I'm not really into asking pointless questions.
Did you say something, Dito?
Nope! Nothin' at all.
How can one person have so many clothes that all look so goddamn terrible on them?
I know what you mean, Dito. An entire trunk full of clothes and she couldn't find a single decent pair of pants. Anyway, let's finally talk to Dito proper and get this show on the road instead of his peanut gallery commentary.
Yeah. It was pretty rough, but uh... it should all be there. ...Kind of a lot though, don't you think?
Oh, Ditooo! You just don't understand women! A woman simply MUST have her clothes. And her sweets. Aaand her nighttime fuuun.
Yeesh. I'm sure the women of the world are just thrilled to have you as their spokesperson...
What was that?
Nothing. But look, you know how heavy this stuff is, right? You really want me to carry ALL of it into battle?
If you could.
Well, shoot. I just don't have a thing to wear! I knew I should have brought more.
It looks like we're off on another grand adventure! We're gonna head deep into the hot, wet, sticky desert heat... Oooohhhh...
Can't you talk like a normal person for once? Anyway, desert, huh?
Oh, yes. And what do you think will be waiting there for us?
Um, an evil leader bent on oppressing their people or whatever?
No, no noooo. Something much more stimulating.
I give up.
The legendary meat of legend!
Yes! It's the food I desire more than anything in the world, and I simply MUST have it!
...We're going off in search of food now? Someone kill me. Please?
Well maybe you'll get lucky, Dito. Two and Cent both do like to hang out in the desert, don't they?
Verse 1: The Intoner of Desire
Music: Pulchregeist - Battleground
We once more find ourselves in the surface ruins of The Land of Sands. I'm not sure why the DLC and the general post-game branches in general love the desert and forest maps so damned much. Comparatively, we've only seen the Land of Mountains maps reused once in Two and Three's DLC. And the Land of Seas has been completely AWOL, unless you count the heavily retooled coliseum in Three's final mission.
While some of the previous Intoners there was an argument for mental health issues or legitimate fuck-ups entirely not their fault for their troubled tales; Five is having none of that. Lady Five is an unabashed gigantic, self-centered, hedonistic piece of shit. For instance, today we'll be murdering our way through swathes of idle soldiers in hopes of acquiring a choice piece of Fsteak for her to wolf down for lunch.
Oooh... Just thinking about it makes me all hot and bothered...
Your food drive's right up there with your sex drive, huh?
Hee hee! Well, you know me. When I want something my passions tend to... overfloooow.
...I hate this woman.
Intruders! Intruders! It looks like a woman and her bodyguard.
What...? Are they hostiles?
Are... are they even human...?
While the DLC has dropped giving dates for events, Five's Prologue is clearly one of the earliest of the lot. As not only are the vague cabal of evil lords still in power... nobody knows what the hell an Intoner is just yet. One's campaign of taking over the lands has just gotten underway. But Five has already decided to piss off on her own adventures in search of good eats across the diners, drive-ins, and dives of Midgard. Yes, Five is basically magical girl Guy Fieri.
Five's massive cross-like weapon she'll be using to carve up infantrymen on her way to a legendary cut of legend meat, despite the looks, functions as a spear class weapon. It's got great reach and stopping power. Though, I'm not sure it'll fit properly in that tiny scabbard tied to her waist.
Is she even capable...?
Who knows. Where do they even come from!?
Get back in position!
Weapons at the ready! She's here for blood.
Fight... Fight for your lives!
The Intoners and their disciples first rolling into town and murdering everyone must be confusing as hell to the layman soldier just hanging out at his post. Just encountering Five there is suddenly a blonde lunatic dressed like a stripper poorly pulling off some weird medieval knight kink wielding a cross shaped hunk of metal the size of a park bench. Alongside her is a glum looking kid that suddenly gets a big grin on his face every time blood sprays all over him from murdering someone.
And that's probably one of the less weird Intoner pairs to encounter. God help you if you get the purple haired girl with the giant scissors and the midget old man on stilts stalking into your outpost. We all know how that turns out...
A villager told me about it. He says it's a treasured delicacy from his homeland that's been passed down for generations.
He told all that to an outsider?
Well, not without a bit of... persuasion.
So you tortured him...
He was just so tight-lipped! Mmm... Still, I tried to keep it somewhere between pain and pleasure.
Ooooff course you did. So look, I like torture as much as the next guy. Uh. Probably more, actually. But I'm not so sure you should be ripping out anyone's fingernails over some old haunch of meat.
Torturing and possibly sexually assaulting locals for the best eats in town. We're off to a good, classy start here. Though don't think Five is just a sadist. She also moans in delight and screams for more occasionally when she gets hit in battle. She goes both ways in being a degenerate.
The early defenses of the desert ruins are lackluster at best. But the evil desert lord forces step up their game with walls of archers defending the route Five is traveling. Well, at least there won't be an issue of any crossfire when they're all lined up like that.
I just get the impression that One's ideal world is a lot different from yours.
Of course it is! No two people share the same fantasies. But I still want to build a better world. One filled with passion and... ecstasy. So really, One and I both want the same wonderful world, you know?
Uh... sure. Right.
Are these guys crazy...? What are they doing here?!
We're losing men left and right!
If they're smart they'll get the hell out of here.
She's stronger than she looks!
There's just a heaping plate of archers, a tiny side portion of undead, and a healthy cut of stock troops before we reach the main course of this short map: a five piece combo platter of sand ogres.
Oh, no, no, nooo, Dito. I've already had my fill of ogre meat, thank you.
That doesn't mean we cannot carve up a few ogre steaks while we're in the area. I'd probably eat a properly prepared ogre hamburger, if we're being perfectly honest. Then again I'll eat pretty much any weird ass thing put in front of me, assuming I've seen other people eat it first and not keel over or have their bowels explode in a high pressure stream of fecal matter.
Are you telling me you've actually EATEN ogre meat?
Mmm-hmm. Two made ogre meatballs once. They were just to DIE for! Put some of my homemade special sauce on top? Mmmmmmmmmm.... Anyway, I ate ten in one sitting... Which is why I'm kinda sick of ogre now.
Huh. I didn't know Two cooked. Is she any good?
Oh yes. In fact, she's the finest chef amongst all my sisters. Her food is so novel and bold! So toothsome and unctuous!
...Toothsome and unctuous? Sounds a lot like you, actually.
Goal for today: Order the most mundane menu item whenever I stop to eat for lunch today in town and proclaim it "toothsome and unctuous".*
* Try not to stop at the same fast food joint you ordered your meal emulating Ryo Hazuki's speaking mannerisms the other day.
And certainly not the legendary meat I tortured that villager over. Do you think he could've meant these ogres? That would be SUCH a disappointment! I could just cry!
I bet that villager feels like crying right about now...
Oh, don't be silly Dito. That villager is probably just as dead as these ogres. If Five didn't finish him off... it's Drakengard. A pack of wolves, roaming skeleton revenants, vengeful sand ogres, angry tax collectors, wizards casting punishing heat spells on top of the already harsh desert climate, or any number of a dozens of ways could have done him in before the end of the day.
Speaking of the end of the day, the disappointing ogre harvest brings this mission to an end. Turn in next time when a gullible, malicious glutton gets tricked into searching for more questionable celebrated foods in the dark corners of the earth and wastes everyone's time in an exciting new locale!
Video: Five's Prologue Verse 1 Highlight Reel
Five Concept Art - Well, at least her lower legs and arms are well protected.