The Let's Play Archive

Dwarf Fortress - Boatmurdered

by Various

Part 44: by Mystic Mongol

Your highness,

Your humble servent, Giginlimul, "'Mystic Mongol' Fliergold", begs your patience with a report on the occurances in your empire.

The city-fortress of Koganusan, more vulgarly known as Boatmurdered, has been a source of constant trouble to the empire. While the riches found deep within the mountain are essential if we wish the nation of Kinmelbil, "The Oaken Tomes," to prosper and crush our foes, Boatmurdered has a reputation for burning through leadership at an appauling rate. While you had seen fit to send many immigrants, and even some of the true nobility, late 1059 communication from the fortress ceased entirely. Of particular note was the sudden cessation of communication from the Baron Melbil Tithlethudib, and his consort he was convinced his wife knew nothing about. Military command decided to send someone disciplined this time to see what was causing Boatmurdered's many problems.

As all the prior leaders had failed to clean out the mountain, I carefully examined their records to find out what they had done with their time. All had come to the fortress and admired the arts and crafts, or the legendary artifacts made by the renowned maddwarves of that forsaken tomb, so I decided to start by rule with a thorough economic audit.

Food supplies were good for a fortress of this size, although the low population count worried me. Earlier reports had implied at least a hundred dwarves lived in Boatmurdered... indeed, there were many vacant bedrooms in the projects near the entrance, most of which were not properly licenced and zoned for dwarven inhabitance. I corrected this oversight immediately.

Legal records have shown a depressing amount of crime occuring in Boatmurdered, including one depraved dwarf who apparently amused himself by crippling defenseless animals. The cat's injuries to the spine, head, tail, and lungs are too horrible to depict, but I feel it appropriate to attach an image of the dog's plight.

Let us never forget what happens when lawlessness reigns free. These deviants needed to be brought to heel. Also worth noting is the former ruler of Boatmurdered was on record for repetedly denying the orders of his superiors... a poor example to set.

The economic status was similarly depressing. Demand far outstripped supply on several key metals, unforgiveable in a supposed mining fortress. Almost all cloth was imported. The head of the Mason's Guild had jacked prices up on pants and skirts in some strange, tops-only clothing policy I don't wish to dwell on, and all leather prices were set low by the bookkeeper... except for hippopotomous, which was twice the price of the other leathers. No one seemed to remember who decided on that. I decided a quick interview of the bookkeeper would be prudent.

Not only had the bookkeeper died (attacked, say the records) but so had two of the former rulers, including Torret Doge, the one wanted for questioning. Apparently the founder of the fortress, he died shortly after defying the will of the nobility. Many of the Nobility had died some time after... exact dates were unavailable, with no dwarf able to give a good reason why. The Baron and his associate were both dead too, doubtless victims of foul play. How else could two such important dwarves, too busy to expose themselves to danger and surrounded by the Royal Guard, both die?

The army was also a pitiful joke, a few weak soldiers playing Royal Guard for non-existant royalty. I immediately returned them to active duty, but the numbers in Boatmurdered were too small to replenish the army entirely. A priority had to be made on finding someone to make an example of and getting the fortress back to something resembling civilization. All this murder and animal cruelty couldn't go on.

It seemed a tradition to admire the local art, so I dropped by one of the engraved halls. One wall had the six images attached depicted in a row. I was so sickened that I didn't bother go into the other halls... Sankis, the artist, was apparently one of the previous rulers of Boatmurdered. To string up a deviant like him who had once run the place would send a strong message to all of the other dwarves. Finally,I had found a way to make the fortress sit up and listen.

I don't know who made the money, but there was clearly something wrong with them. Another priority of my stay will be replacing the money with coins that better reflect our glory.

While my room was surprisingly nice (I suspect they are trying to bribe me) many of the nobles are dissatisfied with their accomidations. While they languish without even a single platinum encrusted dining room to their name, the corrupt dwarf Sankis has built himself a royal tomb, complete with multiple platinum statues. I will have to look into having them melted down and used to make weapon racks for the ruling class. If he stops carving images of dwarves being eaten by elephants, however, I may let him keep his little statuary.

Your humble Servant, Giginlimul.


Shanty posted:

I would not be surprised if 90% of the boatmurdered population have that "doesn't really care about anything anymore" line in their bios. These guys have been to hell and back, I bet the human traders are creeped out as FUCK when they visit.

"Why are they staring at me like that, I hate it when they stare at me! And what the hell was up with all those charred bones we passed on the way here?"
"Relax Jathrur, unload the carts, don't look too closely at the walls and let's just get paid and get the hell out of here."
"The walls? Why shouldn't, oh Armok, oh Armok Christ, what is that..."
"God damnit I told you not to, oh god, oh shit, look at that fucking dog what the hell happened here, let's just get the fuck out of here, tell them their road's too narrow or something, new union rules, I don't fucking care SHIT JATHRUR DON'T TOUCH THAT LEVE..."


"Hey Omelol, what's up with that dwarf over there?"
"Oh... yeah, apparently he got attacked by an elephant."
"I thought elephants were peaceful?"
"Not these ones. Apparently they've got some demonic possession or something going on. We should really ask these guys to set up a safer road. Although last time I mentioned it, I just got a cryptic reply about some kind of "final solution" involving floodgates and levers."
"What's that sound?"
"I... I think someone's murdering a kitten."
"Uh... that can't be..."
"Oh christ tell me these guys aren't trying to trade us a totem made out of somebody's pet."

TouretteDog posted:

"No, seriously, what the fuck? Out of the six dwarves we've seen so far, two are missing limbs, one's moping around naked--"
"--one's sprinting from one end of the depot to the other while carrying an engraved door, one's standing in a shop screaming--"
"--yeah... and only the last one seems to be --"
"--at all normal. What the FUCK have you--"
"--gotten us into?"