Part 44: Update Forty Three: Hey, Poo, Save Some Levels For The Others
You may be far behind, but you're a son of a bitch for finding two of those things. I hunted around for about forty-five minutes and couldn't even find one!
Welcome back. Last time, on Earthbound, we finally gained our forth, and final, party member, Poo. Today, we're going to snag the Fifth Sanctuary spot, which is in a fucking sewer. It's going to be a long one, so grab a drink and a snack before we get started.
We'll be spending the first bit of this update here in Summers.
She no longer sells Magic Cakes, which seems okay to me. A cake that gets you higher than the stratosphere and makes you hallucinate about a player prince can't really sell super well, I think.
Instead, now, she sells Magic Tarts. They restore about 40 PP to Nass or Kim and Poo is too much of a snob to benefit from them.
Hooray, I reminded a woman she likes to be in the kitchen. Take that, gender equality!
Nass or Susan would benefit from this, yes, but not Poo. You haven't seen Poo's equipment screen because it is empty; Poo is doing all of this bare. He has four pieces of equipment in the entire game and three of them are pretty nice. See, Poo's not just a food snob; he's an equipment snob, too. Equipping something on him will lower his stats, barring his unique equipment.
As much as I like Poo, he is kind of an asshole.
Susan snags himself a Lucky Coin. Five defense doesn't seem like much, but every little bit helps.
We're heading to two different museums today, with this one coming first.
Guess which area of the museum we're going to.
Twelve bucks to get in, and you have to do this every time you want to come in this place. Though, do it like I have, and you'll only have to spend the cash once.
This being a museum and all, it does have some exhibits for us to check out.
There are two more of these caskets to the left, holding Ram Raisin the fourth and fifth's remains. The exhibits below are far more amusing.
And here, I was hoping he had crashed the helicopter.
Sweet Jesus, that escalated quickly.
Meet Mr. Fork. He's the curator around these parts and, ultimately, useless as an asshole on your elbow.
Being a museum curator, it probably leads to many things to brag about. Especially to other curators.
His museum has dinosaurs and shit, man. I know which one of you I like more.
Ranting and raving madly is more like it.
But, enough of that crap. We're going upstairs.
This guy has been blocking this area off the entire time; you need Poo to pass by, so I didn't swing by because of that. It's kind of a holdover habit from having played the game previously. Anyone who's played before understands that sort of streamlining.
Poo has a small ruby in his inventory and this is its only purpose.
Yep, he's just a money grubbing jerkoff.
We need Poo's help with this hieroglyph, too.
Well, that's certainly not the word I'd be using right now.
Let's see...There's a guy who's hands I'd like to cut off, some strange scribbles, and caskets just hanging about like it ain't no thang. Sure, I feel Egyptian as shit right now.
I wonder how much cash I could have gotten for that gem.
Dammit, Pokey is always one step ahead of us.
I wonder how much cash Pokey would drop if I beat him to death...
Well, let's take a look at these hieroglyphs... I see a dead guy, chicken, an eye, a snake, and some other shit. My hieroglyph-reading is a little rusty, but I think it says...
"Pharaoh Rootin' Tootin' enjoys his snake plucked by the chicken."
Nah, that can't be right.
Oh, Jesus, casket-attack!
Yeah, that other casket has another one of these guys. They're...Honestly, nothing special. If they didn't attack me here, I'd have barely mentioned them.
Freeze 'em and beat 'em for maximum effect. Their HP is fairly high, at 694, and their offense and defense is pretty beastly. They've got two different ways to immobilize you, and if they're not doing that, they're beating someone's face in.
No, that didn't one-shot it. There were other attacks, but they were generic bashes.
I would have definitely mentioned this part, though.
Oh, this one dropped this, too. It deals some damage and can solidify an enemy in battle.
Get used to seeing this. There are a ton of fucking levels this update, and Poo is gaining most of them. Poo gained three levels from this fight alone.
For his levels, he gained +6 offense, +6 defense, +1 vitality, +4 speed, +1 guts, +3 IQ, +1 guts, +1 luck, +18 HP, and +13 PP.
He also learned how to steal some PP from opponents, which is good. Poo makes an excellent support character, no matter the role he has to fill, so keeping his PP high is important (and stupidly easy).
Another Shattered Man, another buttload of exp.
Susan gained a level, as well, and Poo gained another two levels.
For Nass' level, he gained +1 defense, +2 HP and +1 PP.
For Susan's level, he gained +1 IQ and +3 HP.
For Poo's levels, he gained +5 offense, +4 defense, +1 vitality, +9 HP, and +1 PP.
Poo has some amazing abilities, since he can actually translate this shit. Sorry, folks, what you saw up there was my best shot.
However, our efforts were futile, and we lost. Nonetheless our pyramid was protected by the gods of Scaraba. The invaders will be reborn every millennium and will attack again. Even now, the invaders hide beyond space and time and build their evil stronghold.
Wait, wait, wait...The Egyptian counterparts in the Earthbound world fucking fought aliens? And built pyramids as fucking battle bases? Holy shit, that's .
The Deep Darkness is shrouded, it is without light. Only one with the Hawk eye can pierce the dark. The Sphinx now watches over everything, waiting for the coming of a truly brave hero.
Dance in front of the Sphinx!
Not only did they fight aliens, you had to fucking boogie down to get inside their pyramid base of ass-whippery. I bet the aliens can't get funky.
Poo has an idea!
Well, don't let anyone say that the Prince of Dalaam is an idiot.
As we try to leave, we're stopped by the greedy man.
I don't think we really need this; I can remember how to boogie down to open the pyramid.
Oh, I see. While appearing to be a jerkass, he's actually helpful. Or, he's trying to justify us giving him the ruby. Who knows?
Oh, man, imagine if one of these guys wrote a report about this shit for their history class. That'd be a hell of a story.
As we're leaving, the phone is ringing off the hook. Let's answer it!
: It doesn't sound like you... Well, I'll quickly tell you my story, 'cause I'm busy, busy, busy! I found something so extraordinary that mere words could not do it justice. What do you mean "who am I?" Don't you recognize my voice? It's me, Mr. Spoon from the Fourside Museum of Natural History. Look, Mr. Fork, I'm not exaggerating this find! I'm telling you... It's fantastic!..... It's outrageous!... *Click* Beeeep
And so, now we're taking our happy asses to Fourside. This discovery has to have some amount of important to us, since we're protagonists and all.
And so, using Teleport Beta...
...We're teleported pretty close to the museum, but I make it look like we arrived right at the doors, thanks to the magic of selective screenshotting!
Since this is a museum, we still have to pay to get in.
Maybe it's just me, but I find it really strange that this museum is more expensive than the one in Summers.
I never came in here before since, frankly, it's actually boring as shit inside this museum. There's no lunch boxes or caskets. But, there are gigantic dinosaur bones.
Dunno, old man. More than a few, less than a dozen?
I'm betting you have about two weeks on that, so, good luck.
This floor is pretty big, though.
I'm sure there's room for a or two here, but I just can't find it.
Well, holee sheeite, we got ourselves a regular marketing genius here, folks!
Photo opportunity here. I've decided that the shutter part isn't really worth screencapping anymore, but I'll still include when the photo ops happen. Unless you guys really want to see the shutter.
Our research is continuing.)
Yeah, that's a big-ass skeleton. Even though the textbox is blocking it, that's still about as exciting as it is in the game.
Here's Mr. Spoon himself; he's kind of a friggin' asshole.
Why, you ask?
He sends us on a fetch quest to help fill his spank bank or something.
: "extraordinary." ...Oh, if you can get her autograph on anything, don't worry about the eraser... I don't care if the autograph is written on toilet paper...
Playing this part of the game, I'm going to be honest; it's the only part where it feels like it's just tacked on and to the max. It's a strange, plodding, pain in the ass padding section, worse than the monkey cave. It's like the developer's wanted something for the player to do before going to the Fifth Sanctuary, but they couldn't think of anything good, so this bit got shoehorned in.
Maybe that's just me, though. What are your thoughts on it?
I'm glad this is just $30 in general, instead of $30 a person.
And off to show we go.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LIVE FROM FOURSIDE'S TOPPOLA THEATER
THE BEAUTIFUL AND LOVELY VENUS!
Wow, what a show (that the Runaway Five totally outdid and I wish we saw them again)!
And, using our cred from knowing the Runaway Five, we can get in to see Venus with no problems. You guys don't mind me skipping some of this dialog, do you?
Well, it's not that I do so much as that creepy guy from the show does.
I'm not sure if I find this convenient or gross. But, hey, an autograph is an autograph.
And being smooched by a famous singer is pretty nice, too. Personally, I'd like it if Lady Gaga kissed me.
I took over 430 screencaps for this update; I'm not sure why, since I've cut out a fair few already.
I'm getting the feeling I could have scribbled "Venus" on anything with a marker and fooled this chump.
Seriously, from when he gives you the fetch quest to get this, right to this point, it just feels like padding. It's bizarre and feels kind of out of place in Earthbound; not the getting an autograph on a banana peel part, no. That's par for the course. Just this padding, plodding, boring-ass section. At least the monkey cave had fucking monkeys to talk to, while this has a show that's not the Runaway Five and a creepy guy getting an autograph, even after we saw him rush the stage and get pulled away by security.
Oh, yeah, by the way, his surprise?
Essentially, he's excited because he found a fucking sewer and a gigantic rat.
I don't remember Ross Geller getting excited over stupid shit like this. Sure, he was a professor and not a curator, and he got excited over other stupid shit, but even he would have known that finding a sewer and a bigass rat is nothing to shit your pants about and inform the only other museum curator on the planet.
But, hey, we've got a new dungeon to explore! And new enemies!
These guys aren't too bad; 399 HP, weak to Fire, Freeze and Paralysis, with decent offense and crap defense, Filthy Attack Roaches aren't much to write home about.
Their damage isn't bad against any of the original three, but Poo is going to take more of an ass-whooping here.
Like I said, their defense is crap. Kim's doing triple-digits easily, and she's the wizardy-girl archetype.
I like the idea of Poo spin-kicking the Roach across the sewer.
For a fairly easy fight, they drop a good bit of exp., too.
Kim and (who the hell else would it be?) Poo both gain levels here.
For her level, Kim gained +2 offense, +1 IQ, +1 HP and +2 PP.
For his level, Poo gained oh, baby! +3 offense; oh, baby! +3 defense, +1 speed, +1 guts, +2 vitality, +1 luck and sweet! +30 HP.
Hopefully, Poo's Brainshock is more useful than the enemy's has proven to be.
And while we're here, let's surprise this trashcan jackass.
This is pretty much the Smelly Ghost 2.0. Seriously, go look at the Smelly Ghost's stats, up them all accordingly, and you have this guy. I honestly wish there was more to say, but...
...those pictures sum it up pretty well. I wish I had more to say about this guy, but other than the fact that his HP is a palindrome (444), I can't think of anything interesting.
Well, their HP and their exp. is pretty nice. Surprisingly, to me, Poo didn't gain a level here.
The sewer isn't very big, but it has some treasure scattered about and, like all sewers in RPG, the encounter rate seems to be jacked up down here.
...What the hell is this bullshit? This only restores about 60 HP. Kim can barely make use of this, and Poo would only regain 6 HP from it. Are you fucking with me, game!?
There are quite a few roaches around. But, unfortunately to me, the Stinky Ghost seemed to be the most common enemy.
This is slightly dangerous coming from the Filthy Attack Roach.
I'm not sure how many hits it can go up to, but I only saw it ever hit twice, for about this much damage each time. Obviously, on Poo, it's more, but Susan still seems to be the lightning rod of their hate.
I'm only sharing this because I thought this roach's defeat looked pretty fucking cool.
There are a couple of these doors scattered about, too.
Susan can repair this to make a Slime Generator, but that's kind of an kind of item, in my opinion. That's a turn he could be shooting Bottle Rockets with or something more useful.
Oh, joy, the walkway is blocked off by these barrels. So, we've gotta plod through the waste.
But, hey, at least Poo gained a level out of it.
For this level, he gained +1 offense, +1 defense, +3 HP and +1 PP.
Jesus, I just realized that this sewer is basically just full of rehashed enemies. Before, I didn't mind it so much. But now, with that in mind? Man, fuck this place and everything that looks like this place.
Now, if someone wants to go back to that last screenshot and point out where the second fucking rat is, I'd highly appreciate it. I only see one of them.
But, 416 HP, with bad offense, and decent defense. Like their rowdy cousins, their guts are super-high and they'll SMAAAAAAAAASH a decent amount of the time, and for a good amount of damage.
Like so. Jeez, that's painful. These guys can pretty much one-shot Poo. Which, actually, isn't all that hard to do. Thankfully, though, his defense gains are the highest in the game, at 18 in the level-up algorithm. It's, by far, the highest, with Nass' being 5, Kim's being 3 and Susan's being 6.
As I've discovered, Deadly Mice don't like PSI Fire attacks. This dealt a touch less than 300 to both of them.
Their exp. drop isn't too bad, either, for the pain in the ass they are to fight.
It gained Poo another level, at least.
For this level, he gained +2 offense, +1 defense, and +2 HP.
Slogging through the muck makes us move much slower, and enemies can still spawn in the muck.
Like so. You can barely see the mouse ears poking out just in front of the party.
Up this ladder, we're back to normal movement speed.
I believe I forgot to enter that door back there entirely. Oh, well.
You can tell the trashcan enemies from regular trashcans by their color; enemy cans are lighter in color, closer to a silver, while item cans are a different shade of grey.
Moving along, we're still in the muck.
Yeah, they have this attack, too. It still sucks.
At least Nass gained a level out of the deal, as did Poo.
For this level, he gained +1 speed, +1 guts, +1 IQ, +1 luck, +1 HP and +4 PP.
For Poo's level, he gained oh, baby! Offense +3; oh, baby! Defense +3, speed +1, +1 IQ, +1 HP and +2 PP.
Poo can also steal PP from all enemies at once now, too. It'll be good for a quick boost, but Bottles of Water (DX or otherwise) are still going to be a better go-to option.
Fuck off, Dad, I'm in a sewer.
Jesus, there's so many enemies down here. It's more of a pain in the ass than anything else, which is slightly disappointing, considering the lack of ass-pain Earthbound is pretty much the rest of the time.
But, hey, it gets me plenty of levels! It was Kim and Susan this time.
For her level, Kim gained +2 offense, +1 defense, oh, baby! +3 speed, +2 guts, +1 vitality, +2 IQ, +9 HP and that rocks! +10 PP!
Kim can now power everyone up at the same time; it's roughly the same boost to all party members that Offense Up Alpha gives, so it's not super-useful, unfortunately.
For Susan's level, he gained +2 offense, +1 defense, +1 luck, and +1 HP.
Continuing on, I decide that the only reason I'm leaving this sewer is to get an exorcism. The ghost is just as irritating as it was back in Threed.
Still $90 to do this, but whatever, that's pretty much just a drop in the bucket.
Since you can't just walk through the museum without paying, this lady stops you to collect your $20.
Back down into the sewer. The only thing that makes this sewer level tolerable is the fact that it is in Earthbound and that Earthbound is a wonderful game. This is the only part I can think of that I'd describe as a "slog".
Although, Jesus Christ, Poo. For this level, oh, baby! Offense +3; defense +2, oh, baby! Speed +3, guts +1, vitality +1, IQ +1, luck +1, HP +9 and PP +5.
Honestly, I think they should have started Poo at level 30. It wouldn't change the group dynamic at all, and he'd be more appropriately leveled. I almost wonder if Poo was meant to join earlier and that they never adjusted his levels or something.
Back to where we were, let's continue on.
Jesus Christ, Poo, let someone else gain a level once in a while!
For this level, he gained +1 defense, +1 HP and +1 PP.
Heading back to that door we saw earlier, that was blocked by barrels from the other side and that forced us to traverse the muck, there's more roaches.
There was also a Deadly Mouse, but he's gone now.
This is the sole purpose of this room; there is going to be a Magic Butterfly in here, pretty much guaranteed. It's a great place to recharge, which I took full advantage of.
Let's see what's hidden in this trashcan, shall we?
This deals 400 damage to metal-type enemies. It's a pretty sweet item, and will be useful whenever we encounter another robot.
Moving back and going to the next room, we're almost finished with this dungeon.
...Another roach and more treasure. Hell, maybe I encountered more roaches than I did ghosts.
But Poo certainly gained the most level ups.
For this level, he gained +2 offense, +1 defense, +1 HP and +1 PP.
Oh, this trashcan is special.
Oh-ho, yes. Fuck yes. After finding this, I'm starting to wish I had named this thread, "The Best Things In Life Are Found In The Trash! Let's Play Earthbound!" instead of the original title.
You see, once repaired, this becomes the Heavy Bazooka, which is fucking awesome. The Heavy Bazooka deals great damage, can be used a ton of times, and provides Susan with an excellent alternative to PSI powers. See, he's using his mind, like Nass, Kim and Poo are, but for a different ass-whooping venture. I can't wait until Susan has the 45 IQ needed to repair this. I'm going to rest the shit out of Saturn Valley until he repairs this death machine.
Goddamn fucking roaches!
Oh, never mind, I don't mind the roaches!
For this level, she gained +2 HP and +1 PP.
Told you we were almost done. Just defeat that roach, then we have the boss to deal with.
That conveniently placed roach gives Nass a level!
For this level, he gained +2 offense, and +1 HP.
: But it's mine now. Take it from me, if you dare...
Alright, asshole, let's duke this shit out.
This is the gigantic rat that Mr. Spoon encountered. And, tell me, what's been common to rats so far that this guy is sure to share? I'll give you a few minutes to ponder about it.
Nass starts by winging a Shield Beta over Kim's way.
While Kim prepares to roast the rat. I'm sure Shrek would approve.
The Plague Rat of Doom is a huge pain in the ass, so I'm going to be liberal with my use of these things.
While Poo is going to use Shield Beta on Susan.
The Plague Rat Of Doom isn't weak to PSI Fire, but it's not 100% effective on him. It's just the most effective offense spell I have to use on him.
He has 1827 HP to burn through, so this isn't a terrible start. His offense is good, too, and his defense is fucking insane.
Poo raises Susan's shield.
And Susan launches the big guns.
Holy shit, Susan!
Kim gets her shield, and I'm still having heart palpitations from Susan's 1/3rd health damaging attack.
Shit. It can also poison as well as
having the same insane-ass guts stat that the other rats do. The big difference here is that he's got tons more offense to back it up with.
Great googly moogly!
I selected Life Up Alpha because it was a skosh faster.
Kim and Susan are defending, just because it's faster to get through their turn that way.
He's already dying, asshole! Lay off!
But, Poo's life is saved in the nick of time.
And Nass and Poo are going to get their Shield Beta on.
While Kim starts another round of rat-roasting.
While Susan prepares another Big Bottle Rocket.
Burn, motherfucker, burn!
Nass and Poo's shields are up now. Susan fires his next Big Bottle Rocket...
...Oh, son of a bitch! Don't tell me my first one was just a lucky shot!
Hey, alright, a non-smash hit! It reflects 5 damage back to him.
But, it ends up poisoning Kim. Thankfully, we now have two people who can clear that up, so we don't have to shut down our main physical attacker with healing duty.
Hey, why the hell not? I've forgotten about this thing thus far, so I may as well get rid of it.
Desperately hoping that second rocket was a dud, I'm prepared to fire back with another one.
While Poo clears up the poison. He's heal-bitch for now, and it's a role that serves him well.
That Bomb was a touch lackluster, huh? At least it was free damage.
And there's 20 damage a round Kim doesn't have to suffer. Adding that up along with the possibility of the Plague Rat of Doom attacking her could mean that Kim's lifespan might be dramatically shortened. Granted, at least Poo has a Cup of Lifenoodles in his inventory.
This is a good example of how good the Plague Rat of Doom's defense in; remember, before, Nass was dealing about 250 HP of damage to the enemies down here, so getting that cut this much is a bit of a surprise. PSI is definitely a good way to go in this fight.
Dammit. That first Big Bottle Rocket must have been a lucky shot after all. I'm not complaining, since knocking off 33% of a boss' health in one shot is no small feat and is much appreciated.
STOP MURDERING POO, YOU SON OF A BITCHING BASTARD
Oh, well, hey, that's a nice amount to have reflected back at him.
SMAAAAAAAASH attacks automatically destroy a shield, so they won't last long here, but they're certain to reflect a nice bit of damage back to the Plague Rat of Doom. Every little bit helps, especially since this guy can easily take down members of your party if you get sloppy.
As some posters in the thread were discussing, Auto Fight will prioritize healing and it does it very quickly. I throw it on with hopes it can save Poo before he hits the dirt.
But if Kim and Susan hadn't gone through their turns first...
Poo would have survived. Sorry, Poo, I tried.
He bit Nass here, further cementing my thoughts that Poo was doomed, no matter what. The worst part here, though, to me was that Poo was holding the Lifenoodles.
This is ineffective on Poo, but if it had worked on him, it would have completely restored his HP to full. I read somewhere that it restores a flat 999 HP, but in the PK Hack thingy, if I'm reading it correctly, I think it's saying it instead restores 10,000 HP.
Yes, Auto Fight is still on. I forgot to turn it off because I'm an idiot.
It's off now. I can now manually input everyone to attack, instead of the game deciding for me. Gameplay!
Oh, God, who's the next victim!?
Oh, Kim, you can survive these things now!
Yeah, suck it, asshole!
Yes, I'm still using Life Up Alpha. It's a force of habit at this point.
Honestly, I think it still restores a nice bit of HP.
God, those SMAAAAAAAAAASH attacks sting.
That's right; the Plague Rat of Doom killed himself. This is a very good feeling; it's quite vindicating after Poo's defeat.
I've heard that if you get the Clumsy Robot to do this same thing, the Runaway Five will still shut him down, but you'll get double the exp. from that fight; one set for the Runaway Five victory, and another for the death of the robot, since I guess they didn't plan on Shield Beta being used to take him down.
Also, I include this shot because that Plague Rat of Doom fucking horrifies me on a deep level.
Oh, yeah, that's a real problem now, game.
Oh, sweet Jesus. I wish Poo was here for some of that sweet, hot exp. action.
Kim hits a level that's not a multiple of four, and Susan hits a level that is a multiple of 4 (40, if you lost track)!
For her level, Kim gained +2 offense, +1 luck, +2 HP and +2 PP.
For his level, Susan gained +1 offense, +2 defense, oh baby! Speed +3, oh baby! IQ +3, and HP +1.
Oh, Susan, you're so close to being a bazooka wielding harbinger of death and I cannot wait for that to happen.
Here's the Fifth Sanctuary Spot, Magnet Hill. As is customary, there's a video.
Magnet Hill is one of my favorites, just for its simplicity. It doesn't seem to be any sort of strange phenomenon, like the Rainy Circle. It's not too outlandish, like the Giant Step. It's just a big magnetic spot.
Quick, three guesses as to what this key goes to. The first two don't count.
Granted, all the enemies are going to flee from me, but I was sincerely hoping I could just teleport from here. I should have known better.
Oh, man, this roach ain't gonna know what hit him.
Literally. I can one-shot single Filthy Attack Roaches and Deadly Mice with a surprise attacks. Nass' level here is just a bonus to that.
For this level, oh, baby! Offense +4, defense +2, speed +1, guts +2, speed +2, luck +1, HP +1, and that rocks! PP +10!
The return journey isn't very interesting.
But, I don't manage to get out of it without another fight.
This is one of two I had, so it's not too bad.
Especially since Susan and Poo each gained a level!
For this level, Susan gained +1 offense, +1 guts, +1 luck and +8 HP.
For his level, Poo gained oh, baby! Offense +3, oh, baby! Defense +3, speed +1, vitality +1, luck +1, HP +13, and PP +2.
Oh, Deadly Mouse, I hope you don't have a family.
And so ends the sewer level of Earthbound. We never have to come back here.
Fuck off, camera man! I have traveling to do!
First, I'm heading back to Nass' house for a full heal. Poo is going to love him some Cats, dammit! There's also one important item I need to grab from there.
Also, stare at this screenshot for about thirty seconds. Imagine the fear and despair I felt when I couldn't do anything; the phone wasn't ringing. I couldn't move, couldn't bring up the menu. My characters were still invisible after their teleport, and I don't know where they are. I had a save-state back at the sewers, after the Plague Rat of Doom, so it wouldn't be a big deal, but this still struck fear straight into my heart.
Made them relax and made me shit my pants! Fuck you, Magic Butterfly!
Nass' mom is such a chill lady. She doesn't even question Eastern royalty entering her home.
She just makes some dinner and sends them all to bed.
Kim's going to be holding onto this, for reasons that won't be clear until next update. It's going to be quite handy, methinks.
If you guessed the Carrot Key worked anywhere else, slap yourself for being an idiot.
Next time, on Earthbound, we're going to see just what lies beyond these rabbit statues. Stay tuned!