Part 36: Cameotown
I mentioned Intangirs last update, and the Triangle Island is one of the few things in the world that remain unchanged by the end of the world! Let's go for a visit.
(Also, you can walk on mountaintops here.)
...that's not an intangir.
what the hell just happened
and where the hell -
Well, this is the way out, but that wouldn't make this the Zone Eater's belly but... ugh, let's not think too hard about this.
There's some treasure down here! Look at this thing. +1 to magic. +1. It's less than the goddamn mythril rod!
There's also a Fake Mustache in one of these chests. It's a Robin-exclusive relic that turns Sketch into Control, which... does what it says, basically a glorified form of Confuse. It's about as useful as Sketch, but I may show it off at some point if I care/remember.
There's also a bunch of little green men who want nothing more than to knock visitors off a bridge.
You'll want it to happen once (but no more!) because that's the only way to get to these chests, one of which contains a Red Jacket for Tim. It makes him immune to fire, which is not bad. Not ridiculously awesome like some other pieces of armour we've seen, but not bad.
The reason you need to get knocked off the bridge is this chunk of rock, which blocks access from the right, but lowers when you hit this switch.
There are also more chests deeper inside, and...
...rocks fall, and if you get hit by them, everyone does indeed die.
This ceiling rises and falls, and you have to find a safe spot to stand or you'll be very, very sorry.
Although not for very long.
Because you'll be dead.
The Zone Eater dungeon isn't very large, though it may take several attempts unless you just cheese everything with savestates but I trust no one reading this would resort to such tactics. This is the last room, and it is pretty cool. You jump from bridge to bridge, using the treasure chests as trampolines.
The switch on the upper right extends a couple of more bridges, allowing access to the last chest in the dungeon, which contains a Thunder Shield.
It's quite nice, and even teaches a spell! Not that anyone who cares about Thundara at this point doesn't already have it, but it's the thought that counts.
It goes on Robin for now.
In the deepest chamber, a hooded figure awaits...
And I know what you're thinking.
But no. Gogo is Gogo. He is a cameo from a much better game, a game where old men kill things by dancing at them, where purple-haired women rule the high seas with their pet dragons and where treasure hunters do not keep their dead girlfriends on ice in their basements. He does not deserve the indignity of being named Gaga or whatever you had in mind.
It has been a long, long time since anyone visited me here...
I have been idle for too many years... Perhaps I ought to mimic you.
Tell me, what are you doing here?
I see... So, you seek to save the world.
Then I guess that means that I shall save the world as well. Lead on! I will copy your every move.
Well, not my every move, but close enough.
Then, we use the Teleport spell to get the hell out because the alternative is getting pooped out by the zone eater and, well, no.
Gogo comes with his special command, like any other character, and Mimic will indeed copy the last action you take in battle, whether it's an attack, using an item or another special skill - entirely free of cost.
But that's where the similarities end. Where the others have Attack, Magic and Item, Gogo has three empty slots, just like the Mime in FFV.
And just like the mime in FFV, Gogo is free to fill those slots with just about any abilities he feels like!
The downside to Gogo is that he can not equip espers, and since that means his stats will never improve, that is a pretty big downside. He'll never be as powerful as Robin, but then again no one is - but he'll also never be as powerful as Tim or Matt. Even Indy can surpass Gogo eventually, and if that's not embarrassing then I don't know what is.
He'll never learn any spells of his own, but he makes up for this by knowing every spell available to other characters in the current party, meaning he's always going to have the best or one of the best spell selections of any given group.
Though his weaknesses are obvious, no one can beat him for versatility; as seen above, he's currently filling in for two people we seem to have misplaced somewhere.
(As a side note, if you use the General Moghan bug and keep playing, you will never have Runic, because Gogo never gains access to it unless you have someone who can use it. I'm not sure why that is, since I doubt they planned for people bringing Moghan along, but it's pretty neat that he can't mimic something no one in the party has ever seen.)
But enough digging through weird creatures' entrails - let's go do something civilized.
AUDIO: Johnny C Bad
Like participating in an ancient blood sport.
VIDEO: Ultros Boogie
I don't know what to say.
At least he's not randomly attacking people this time. I suppose that is an improvement.
I passed along a secret to that friend of yours with the bandana... "Talk to the emperor twice."
It's a hint to finding the place where Emperor Gestahl hid some legendary treasure. No idea what it means...
"I believe you have me confused with someone else. I have no friends who wear bandanas."
"I think he means-"
But let's get down to why this place is the biggest piece of fuck in any Square game ever, and yes, that means it's also worse than the fire cave in the last update.
This is why.
Take a look at this game. Do you trust the AI to do anything useful whatsoever?
No, didn't think so.
Unfortunately, we're going to have to play if we want to get Batman back.
All right, a quick lesson on coliseum rules. You bet one item, and depending on what it is, you fight different enemies. One on one, with the computer controlling both. If you win (hahahahahaha), you get an item, also depending on the item you wagered. This can lead to some very nice items indeed, but in all likelihood it will first lead to frustration, rage and possibly suicidal thoughts.
But since you're not playing this game, you don't have to sit through all the bullshit, and can sit back and relax as I rant on and on about it.
I suppose this is only fitting.
...Batman starts this fight poisoned.
I expect he got hit with Bio in the Ultima Weapon fight, but... Seriously, man, it's been a year. A YEAR! You could have found an antidote in a year, they're like 20 gil at any item store I mean seriously what the fuck.
But look, Robin is going to heal him! Aw, that's so sporting-
why did you just cast poisona on yourself
you are not even poisoned
god fucking damn it robin
But Batman came into battle naked and poisoned so there's only one way this is ending. (We also get the Ichigeki back for kicking his ass.)
The only thing I know how to do... I'm fighting.
"Why don't you come with us?"
Perhaps I should...
All right! It's time to put my skills to the ultimate test!
But since we're here already...
The Outsider can insta-kill you in like three different ways. Unfortunately for him, Gambit with a Genji Glove, Master's Scroll and the Death Tarot and Viper Darts has eight chances to insta-kill him every time he attacks.
Which he'll do eventually, when he's not doing dumb shit like casting Poisona on himself.
And he will do dumb shit like casting Poisona on himself.
Fuck the coliseum.
The Snow Scarf costs us one of our two Behemoth Suits, but look at those damn stats. It's a goddamn incredible piece of equipment, for those three times Galuf is actually going to be fighting things. (Gandhi comes with his own, but you can't change his gear anyway.)
Also I had Gogo steal an Impartisan a bit earlier and the only thing you need to know about it is that betting it in the coliseum puts you up against a piss easy enemy who drops this when you luck out and kill it before your character randomly decides to drink a jug of bleach or something.
Robin does not get a Minerva Bustier, but with this thing and the Behemoth Suit, she doesn't care.
Cactuars are now worth 20000 gil apiece.
With that, I'm just about done with the coliseum and eager to go back to the desert and murder stuff, but before we go and slaughter our way to riches and power, let's randomly go for a boat ride.
I know I've been waiting for this all game.
We're going to be pulled under!
Finally, a shipwreck! We've been on boats like a dozen times and none of them ever sank!
(Flyboats don't count.)
...this one actually doesn't sink either, but we do get pulled into the water.
And straight into this motherfucker.
I suppose I could have prepared for this battle by running around stealing items that absorb water damage, but... fuck that shit, I have a painter with the power to stop time, and this overgrown snake is going down.
A piece of magicite comes flying and lands in front of Tim.
"Look! It turned to magicite!"
Obtained Leviathan magicite!
In the olden days, there were a few things one would have a hard time doing in FFVI. One of those was reliably inflicting water damage. One of the reasons Lore didn't suck horribly was that it did have one of the few ways to produce water attacks on demand.
Leviathan solves this "problem", making Lore even less useful and Magic more overpowered than ever.
That said, more ways for Robin to cause mass destruction is nothing I'm going to turn down.
Speaking of mass destruction, here's the Banish spell in action. It sends all enemies on screen into fucking space. There are few ways more metal to kill things.
Oh, and this pushes most of my party up to level 31, at which point...
...this won't actually kill everybody.
There are basically two ways to look for this guy (aside from all those times he finds you when it's the last thing you want, usually when all your characters' levels are a multiple of 5), one of which involves flying around randomly, and one involving tilting the airship slightly to the side, then flying in a straight line, covering the world map until you run into the specific tile where he's hiding.
I flew across something like 75% of the world looking for this encounter, and you better believe I intend to make it the last time that becomes necessary.
In times past, there existed a trick spoken of in hushed voices by the wise as the vanish doom bug.
Basically, any time a character was invisible, they would automatically succumb to the next spell to hit them - resulting in even bosses falling to spells like Death or Banish (formerly X-Zone because... don't ask me, I just play these things).
But of course they fixed it for this version, and I hate them so much for that because it was hilarious.
It would have ensured that the first encounter with this cowardly fucker would be the last, but lacking that option, we're just going to set him on fire.
(Ignore Galuf there; he's the only one in the group who didn't have enough sense to level up in the desert.)
The reason we care enough to hunt him? This. It's the Bahamut magicite, which is, as always, a powerful non-elemental summon, and offers a hefty +50% HP bonus on level up.
It also, more importantly, teaches Flare, a single target, defence-ignoring non-elemental spell, at a 2x rate.
-aga level spells are usually better, especially if you can hit a weakness, but this will still come in handy pretty soon.
But enough fighting. Let's go enjoy some real art.
...don't tell me the goddamn octopus is back.
Oh, is that all?
no one saw anything okay
The Earth Dragon casts multi-target earth elemental spells (as you might have guessed) and likes to dispel Float so they'll be more effective. He also uses physical attacks, which are quite painful even for people in the back row. He's kind of a bitch.
Except we now have a way to exploit his weakness.
Several times per round.
Three dragons remain.
You're welcome! And I'm in such a good mood, you don't even have to pay me or anything!
...Wait, what do you mean you weren't going to in the first place?
But, see, the reason I love this dragon so much is that for once, it actually drops something I want!
The Magus Rod is the stick-shaped answer to the Enhancer that Meryl and Tim have been lugging around for the last couple of updates. Really, I should have gone for this the first thing I did after picking up Robin again, but it's not as if she has been missing it.
Sadly, we are now out of useful things to do and are going to have to go back to that pigeon-related quest we seemed to have picked up a while ago.
I'd been hunting the little varmints last time I was out in the desert, when all of a sudden, a huge one attacked me!
A monster of that size has to have some good treasure. I'd bet my right eye on it!
"Did you also bet your left eye on the same thing?"
"Because it's missing."
"I think he knows."
"I'm just saying."
The guy is new, the giant cactuar is new, and we're not going looking for it because it's a giant prickly asshole and I don't want to deal with its bullshit.
If he could rid himself of that confusion and doubt, his technique would probably reach a whole new level!
Technically, just reaching a, uh, new level would make his technique reach a whole new level, but ridding him of confusion and doubt would be faster.
Anyway, the NPCs here seem to have something rather specific on their minds...
Thoo...? Tao...? Yow...? ...Meow???
Har, har! Comedy!
He's the only honest guy in that town! If you need something there, he's the one to ask.
Do you get the feeling they're trying to tell us something? Oh, don't worry, they'll get more obvious in just a sec.
Where have I heard that name...?
Lola: Look closely - they're all handmade! Real flowers won't bloom anymore, so he made me these from silk!
And he just sent me this letter!
"But... wasn't Mobliz destroyed by Kefka? Someone else must have written that letter..."
So we go up and examine the letter. The game asks if you want to read it, so let's pick the "yes, I want to continue the game, please" answer.
I believe I should be able to return to thy side before too long...
"This handwriting... It looks a lot like MrThou's. ...But where is he mailing them from?
I'm sure I have no idea. Just like I'm sure the game will make it painfully obvious.
So we go and examine the bird outside, and it flies off.
Another exciting episode of Final Fantasy VI presented in Bird-o-Vision(tm)! And of course the bird descends into that wretched hive of scum and villainy, because clearly we haven't seen enough of it by now.
The bird sits just inside the entrance and flies off to the north.
The monsters up there are quick! If you go, you'd better have a way of making sure you'll be able to hit 'em.
Like one of those, you know... sniper whatchamacallits!
This Rust-Rid will let you open the door up there.
Yours for 1000 gil! How about it?
Let me repeat: cactuars. 20000 gil. We can afford it.
I know the man talks about monsters and such, but... you should know the drill by now.
Mt. Zozo is a treasure trove of shields in various flavours, and a Red Cap, the big brother of the Green Beret, which boosts HP by 25%. We don't really care.
Also, a Gold Hairpin, which is still useless. Wear an Earring instead and use Osmose when you're running low on MP.
This chest, however, contains a dragon.
This is the Storm Dragon, and he's kind of a pain if you go here first, as the game seems to want you to. Given the name, you'd likely expect him to be strong to things like water, wind and lightning, but in defiance of all logic, he is actually weak against lightning.
I'll let this shot speak for itself.
The Storm Dragon is worth the usual 10 AP, and drops a second Force Armor.
I understand now. This dragon must have eaten MrThou and absorbed his penmanship and sent out those letters to give the poor girl false hope. It's just the kind of thing that would happen in this ruined world! Alas, poor Lola. And poor MrThou, he was a good man, if a bit useless.
Well okay, damn near completely useless.
Nevertheless, we should go buy something sharp and shiny to honour his... mediocre skills.
fff no damn it not this shit again and I hate those two so fucking much. Not because I can't buy a tiny airship or robot imp (yes) but because they waste several dialogue boxes' worth of text on something completely pointless and unskippable and it keeps happening.
No, you bunch of fucks, this is mine. You can't have it. Mine.
Fuck yes I am so stoked this is going to be awes
I... I've been hoodwinked!
There is only one thing to do. Gamble it (and Galuf's life) in order to obtain something that does not suck and doesn't make me want to kill everything around me whenever I see it because a sword with a power of 1 that set me back half a million gil kind of has that effect.
...I'll take that sword for my own!
Suddenly, more GBA exclusive content!
Meet Gilgamesh, recurring comic relief/villain/all-purpose weird individual. He actually looks pretty threatening, at level 97 (!) and with 38000 HP. He also has the magic defence you'd expect from a hidden boss, and even if you debilitate him to an elemental weakness you can exploit, he's not going to take much damage even from -agas.
Flare, on the other hand, ignores defence, and while it has an annoyingly long casting animation...
...it's hard to argue with the results, which are something like 40% better than what Thundaga was doing just moments earlier after Tim gave him a weakness to lightning.
You know you've won this battle when Gilgamesh starts buffing himself (which happens after he takes 12400 points of damage, meaning Robin takes the fight to that stage in just one round). At that point, he's only going to use physical attacks for the rest of the battle, and that means landing a Vanish on even a single character before he kills the entire party equals certain victory. Not necessarily a fast one, but victory nevertheless.
It appears I misjudged your strength...
I shall lend you mu strength.
More proof that espers are lazy bastards, part I don't even remember any more, but Gilgamesh turns himself into magicite rather than, say, joining the party, which would have been pretty cool.
He also drops a Genji Helm.
Valor is another new spell. It only works on the first attack, so it doesn't help much with Master's Scroll shenanigans, but it's a pretty significant boost.
Also, another source of Quick.
...hell if I know.