Part 40: Scraping the bottom of the barrel
MrThou got left out last time, so, let's do his little quest next. We actually got a hint about it a bit earlier...
When I tried to sleep there, monsters came for me in my dreams... Oh, it still frightens me just to think of it!
...but I didn't think it was worth mentioning until we actually found MrThou.
Here's Doma Castle. If the red dot on the world map eludes you, we're on the island southwest of the large landmass in the northeastern corner.
There is nothing new to find anywhere in the castle, but the NPC mentioned sleeping and there's a room here that lets you rest for free. Hey, even if it doesn't advance the plot any, at least we'll get some free recovery out of it.
Except that once we wake up, a quarter of the group refuses to get out of bed, and then these three idiots come in.
Good grief, it's Larry, Curly and Moe.
You know that thing I said about not thinking too hard about this game? It still applies.
Fuck it, I think I'm going to need something stronger than tea.
So anyway, each of the little brats jumps in and says this exact same line, and then they all say "Bon appetit!" and jump into MrThou's head.
Then we jump after them because that's sane and normal and this game is driving me to drink.
Then we appear in some kind of vaguely Escher-inspired dreamscape, with all three remaining characters scattered, and only one of them under our control.
Not pictured: me re-shuffling my party so I get to start off with Galuf because fuck random encounters.
Ciao for now!
After finding the other two and scaring off the stooges (who, by the way, repeat these same lines both times), it's time to find the little fuckers and finish them off for good.
It's about time Alfred got a chance to help Robin out for once.
And we're all together now! There's no escape for you!
IS THAT SO
After disposing of the annoying little turds and escaping through the door, we emerge in a somewhat less annoying location, though I kind of want to hunt down the person who thought that yellow filter was a good idea and shred their face with a cheese grater. Anyway, MrThou comes running on the roof of the right car, jumps over, falls down and shows off his awesome SHOCK expression as a ghost begins to catch up. It's kind of like the Phantom Train scenario we went through, except we're much more awesome now and there are no random battles.
Because fuck 'em.
This time, the biggest obstacles are puzzles, and I use the terms "obstacle" and "puzzle" lightly. For instance, pulling the lever up on the right causes the left of those crates to move down one step. Then it moves back up after a short while.
The solution is "wear some goddamn speed shoes", and the reward is another genji glove.
Pulling the other lever closes the upper right and lower left and middle chests. You should probably remember this.
The chest on the left contains a "lump of metal" which we stick in the ioen chest on the right, which will otherwise move around to block access to the closed chest behind it, which contains a flame shield. Now we have the full set!
Close the correct chests and pull the lever to open the way ahead.
Finally we reach the locomotive, but there's no fight and no suplexing, just a pixelly transition into another yellow-filtered dungeon.
This time we're in magitek armour! And if we didn't have Galuf with us, we'd get into fights where we'd get to use it.
Fuck getting into fights.
Anyway, MrThou is running back and forth, fiddling with something around all these crates, but then some imperial soldiers show up...
...and he runs off, chased by the imperials.
Attempting to follow him across this bridge while wearing several tons of metal may not have been the brightest idea we ever had.
Next, we're back in the castle, but it's still tinted suspiciously, kind of like Piss Christ but with less artistic value. If you don't recognize these sprites, it's because they are completely fucking generic and there's probably at least a dozen of each running around the world even right now.
Oh boy, this is going to be awkward to transcribe.
"Where are we!? What is this place?"
You're inside... MrThou's mind.
My husband, MrThou, continues to torment himself...
Over what happened to Doma...
what happened to the world...
and... what happened to us...
You know what, I don't think I want MrThou back that badly.
Anyway, it's not quite that bad, because as the ghosts are prepared to tell us
Wrexsoul is a monster formed of the countless souls lost in the course of that ancient conflict...
...They're hurting my dad! Help him!
it's just another generic monster thingy.
They disappear, leaving a save spot we don't need behind.
You have to help Dad!
Sigh. Yeah, sure, I'm on it. Not like there's a way out of here otherwise...
Oh, he's one of the emperor's sith lords. Hooray for sprite recycling.
You're too late! This man can't escape me! He is overcome by despair at his own powerlessness!
I am fed by his sorrow... his anger... and his hate! And now I shall partake of yours as well!
You can't handle my hate.
Perhaps I'll return to this form once you've expired...
Now there's a way to fight Wrexsoul and it involves blah blah blah no one cares
because there is an easier method and fuck Wrexsoul.
It's that easy.
I thought I could hear my wife and son calling out to me...
Their voices gave me the strength to hold on.
You really are strong, Dad!
No... I couldn't do anything.
Not then... and not now... I am a man without honor...
No... You've always had more than enough.
My beloved... We'll always be with you...
Dad... I love you!
Does he look like a waiter?
The ghosts blow up and leave a sword behind. MrThou pokes it, and then we're back in reality.
Holy shit, there's no piss filter! I had forgotten how colours look!
I can no longer dwell on the past. I must follow the road which I believe to be right...
But you know what?
He still sucks
One last thing to do here: pick up the magicite Wrexsoul left on the throne (which we can access in the real world because it's a video game and you should stop expecting it to make sense).
He teaches a bunch of crap I don't care about (see also: Mighty Guard) but is the only source of Holy, which isn't too shabby. I guess.
I dunno, I mostly just cast Flare at everything until they start moving. It has served me well so far.
Finishing MrThou's quest unlocks all his Bushido skills. He'd actually learn them all by gaining levels as well, if you cared enough to bother, but... well, it's MrThou, so no one ever does.
(Speaking of which, Matt would eventually unlock the Phantom Rush on his own as well, but under any realistic circumstances that's never going to happen before you find Duncan.)
Dragon absorbs some HP and MP form the enemy. Tempest is another four-hit combo like Flurry, I think it's somewhat weaker but ignores defence. Eclipse is a multi-target his that causes stop or something, I dunno, and Oblivion is the fourth of Bethesda's "Elder Scrolls" games and charging any of them up takes fucking forever and MrThou will never be in my party again.
From one thing to another.
You're all safe!
Behold... The legendary treasure that can undo death itself...
You know there's probably a reason why it's buried in the middle of a fucking lava cave instead of actually being used, right?
yes it is fuck's sake people you have like 20 of them by now and they all look exactly like that
Legend has it that the Phoenix turned itself to stone ages ago... It seems the story was true.
But now it's filled with cracks. I don't know if it still has the strength to perform miracles...
Indy... That's for Rachel, isn't it...?
I'd rather dig up Leo, personally. I mean. At least he'd be more useful than MrThou.
Rachel... I failed her.
Oh, wait, I haven't had anywhere near enough alcohol yet.
I broke my promise and lost the only thing that was real to me...
So until I do what I said I'd do... Until I restore my honor... ...I'm nothing but a no-good liar.
"So, you're headed to Kohlingen...?"
He is and the game is kind enough to tell us so in case we don't remember where the dead girlfriend storage is located.
Don't think it's gonna be calling back any wayward spirits like that! Nope, nuh-uh! Too bad, really... Too bad...
Oh hey, look, it's Gungho!
The magicite is all, "no, fuck you, I'm still up for this".
Except that it's wrong.
Indy... Oh, how I've wanted to see you... to talk to you...!
The Phoenix used the last of its power to give me some time... But I must leave again soon...
Before my time is gone... There's something I must tell you... Something I never had a chance to say...
Indy... You made me so happy...
In my last moments, my memory returned... I drifted off thinking of you, and I was truly, truly happy...
So let me now say the words I never had the chance to say... Indy... Thank you.
I have to go now... But thank you so much for all the happiness you've given me...
Please, let go of the chains that bind your heart... I release you...
Give your love to the one who now dwells in your heart... Love her... as you loved me...
Phoenix... Be reborn! And give your power to Indy!
So she floats up and explodes.
You know, just like in real life.
Nothing strange about it at all.
I'm all right. Rachel put my heart at ease...
From here on out... everything'll be okay.
Let's go! We have a job to do!
But at least one good thing comes out of this.
Indy runs back inside because he forgot something, then comes back out and dumps a bunch of mostly crap in our inventory.
Those area ll the treasures from the Phoenix Cave!
All right, let's get going! I think we've kept Kefka waiting long enough!
you know what, fuck it
This is about the only worthwhile item of the bunch (or so I'd say if it didn't require me to put Indy in my party).
The real prize is the Phoenix magicite, the only one that teaches Arise (revive at full HP) and Reraise (automatically casts Raise on the target if they are knocked out). The latter is probably the best way to get around bullshit like Ultima counters and I may actually find some use for this at some point!
And as for the Valiant Knife...?
Oh, but I think I forgot something.
Uwao, aooh! I'm Bruce!
Bruce your friend! Frieeend!!!
I join you again!
Gods help us all.
And there we have it: full house.
Now if I could actually find a use for some of these clowns...