Part 63: Episode LV: Hopefully Getting My Shit Together?
Blimey! Has it really been two months since the last update? I think that’s the longest I’ve gone without doing any LP shit since… hmm…. Dirge of Cerberus…? Maybe I should just stay away from Final Fantasy games after this…
Anyway, where were we then…?
…Oh right… The worst section of the entire game… The Thunder Plains.
Ugly textures, bad lightning, blah scenery, high random encounter rate, grating music, a god-awful gimmick from the bowels of game design… the works! Fantastic! This map took me about 30 minutes to get through but to hell with that. We are leaving the Thunder Plains this update, dammit!
That is not to say it will be an easy task. The second half of the Thunder Plains lacks any bosses of note. Instead it pretty much tosses a mini-boss into the random mob roster and calls it a day. I hate this area. I really do…
Meet the Iron Giant. Final Fantasy’s version of the Iron Giant is not voiced by Vin Diesel nor will it befriend any small children for a heartwarming adventure. No this iron giant brings only one thing to the table…
PAIN! I don’t know what all the fuss is about the eternal thunderstorm when there are roaming bands of 15 foot tall rampant robots wandering the northern plains looking to club random travelers to death with nine foot long bats. You’d think there would be some mention of that in the bloody travel guide! It seems important. It doesn’t help they’re apparently equipped with some kind of stealth camouflage. This one ambushed me! It is 15 feet tall and made of iron. How does that even work if not for stealth technology?!
Anyhow, the Iron Giant comes packing 3,600 HP each and of course they’re armored since… well they’re literally made of armor… So Auron or Kimahri need to step up to bat for most of the heavy lifting here. Lulu’s magic is also quite effective other than Lightning spells (damage halved on that front.)
On the offensive front Iron Giant pretty much just clubs people with its giant fuck-off pillar it calls a sword. This hurts. A lot. To the tune of 700-900 HP of damage each turn. This can be reduced with Auron using a Power Break. But it’s still a 400+ HP a turn affair even then. Fun times.
All told, Iron Giants are probably the best level farming enemies in the first half of the game. Each one drops a whopping 800 AP. They also stuck a save point in the middle of the map just for that purpose. Just be sure to stick by that. You don’t want to walk into an Iron Giant with some of the weaker characters still licking their wounds from the previous round. Rikku especially. Iron Giants hate perkiness.
Right then. That’s it for giant talk. It’s well established that giants are jerks. And the Thunder Plains are boring. So let’s have a random cutscene in the middle of the road.
"I have something to tell you."
"We're almost out of here! Let's go!"
”For real! I have been struck by lightning at least 40 ti—BZZZZT!” *is struck by lightning*
"I have to say it now!"
”That spot would be less…”
“Hmph. I don’t have the patience to think of a more eloquent way to put it. Yes. Less stupid.”
The party moves to the less idiotic location than the middle of the dangerous lightning storm for Yuna to hold her utterly important drama bomb.
”Like this one time I had this bad feeling someone was going to eat the last slice of pizza back in the locker room if I went to the bathroom before scoring it. It totally got eaten. It was a real bummer. And then my dad, who is now a monster whale, came and blew up the stadium and half the city. Total bummer.”
Update your Twitter feeds. Seymouna is back in play!
Everyone just sort of sighs and shakes their head at this reveal. I think Yuna has a long and well documented history of being a doormat and folding to the slightest of peer pressure. Poor Tidus has been trying to play it classy with Yuna when he really could have directly asked Yuna to bang. To which she would deliberate to herself and fret for an hour or so before caving and riding Tidus back behind Wakka’s shack.
"For Spira's future...and Yevon's unity.”
"That's not good enough."
”Yeah that’s pretty weak.”
“Ehhh… Gonna have to agree.”
<Kimahri thinks it’s aight.>
"Wait, is it... Is it because of Lord Jyscal?"
"Hey! That sphere!"
Auron marches up to Yuna…
"I can't. I must speak to Maester Seymour first. I truly am sorry, but this is... It is a personal matter."
”You don’t say ‘no’ to Sir Auron. He’s gonna like glare you to death, ya?”
"As you wish." *walks away*
”…Or maybe you can say ‘no’ to Au—“
*looks away quickly* “…”
"Just one thing."
"I won't quit my pilgrimage."
"Then it is...fine."
Auron begins trotting off but Tidus stops him…
"Wait a minute, Auron! You don't care? I mean, you're not going to stop her?"
"No, I'm not. As long as she is willing to face Sin...all else is her concern."
”Get married, wear a fancy hat, eat Mexican take-out…”
“Wait there’s Mexican take-out in Spira?”
“That is a summoner's privilege. As long as she journeys."
Tidus throws a brief frustrated “ARGH” and decides to sulk. Wakka decides to step up to bat…
“Can't you just talk to Maester Seymour? You've got to marry him?"
”I mean… that sounds like a pretty big leap, ya? I mean REALLY big…”
"I don't know. But I think it is the right thing to do."
"Okay, I guess."
And with that overwhelming display of wishy-washiness Wakka gives up on Yuna.
Next up… Wait… “Yunie”? They’ve known each other for about two days and Rikku is already giving cutesy nicknames to party members? I don’t like this kid. She’s weird.
And there we have the conclusion of the shocking “Rikku is afraid of thunder” plot arc. Really. It’s never mentioned again in this game.
<Yeah… Yeah that’s right… You hold hands all wet in the rain. You two get nice and close. Yeah. Now make-out! Come on! Come on! Come…aww they’re not going to make out… That one is totally going in the spank bank though…>
”…Wait am I retelling my thoughts aloud in this narration framing? Uhh… I was... just joking! Ha-ha-ha-ha-HA!”
“She's "willing" to face Sin. She's "privileged." I didn't understand. But somehow, I felt like I didn't belong. But if I didn't belong with them, I'd be stuck in Spira, alone. And being alone in that place, well, I didn't want to think about it.”
”Did you see those Iron Giant things? No thanks.”
“Yuna can talk with Seymour there. We guardians will wait until they're done, and plan our next move. Understood?"
”So does that mean like we’re going to double as wedding planners too…? That’s weak…”
*nods approvingly* <Kimahri like where this pilgrimage is heading.>
And with that we are finished with the Thunder Plains. Well there were about five minutes of walking and 30 random battles but that’s no concern to you all. Later shithole!
Until the end game. Where I need to come back. And dodge lightning strikes for an hour…
Why did I come back to this LP again…?
Episode 55 Highlight Reel
Iron Giant Concept Art
Amano’s Final Fantasy II Iron Giant Concept Art