Part 81: Episode LXXII: Crash My Wedding
So apparently a dragon flipping its shit while a bunch of knuckleheads fought it on the top of the airship wasn't he best thing for the vessel's structural integrity. Who knew?
It is an especially bad time for the people hanging for dear life in assorted poofy outfits. I imagine Lulu has fastened herself to the hull with her web of belts and Kimahri is glued to the side in an angry cat clawing a couch type pose.
New Music: Wedding
So welcome to Bevelle. A massive walled city well inland sounded far too inconvenient so they just plopped one on top of an archipelago and called it a day. What sense does that make in a world that's major threat is an unstoppable sea monster? Well... Umm...
Hah! Look at this guy's helmet. What is this idiot even playing at? Can he even see anything? What? You still want to know how Bevelle makes anything resembling sense? Look. We're past that. A wedding is at hand. Keep up!
Do you think Seymour had his hair styled with the one giant curl popping out of his pope hat? Or was it originally slicked back and the curl just exploded out mid-ceremony? The latter is a funnier mental image for me.
So what bizarre physical anomalies is a half-human one-quarter Al Bhed one-quarter Guado offspring between these two going to possess? Will it get the weird eye coloring? The blue hair, vein covered face and gross long finger nails?
What about the Guado covered bark penis or the Al Bhed spiral vaginas? Does that skip a generation? What? Never heard of that? Look, it's in some extended texts. I'm sure you can find them on the internet.
...Don't do that at work.
Gosh. It must be so embarrassing for all these guys that showed up to the big Yunamore Wedding and were caught wearing the same thing. That has to be just the worst.
Traditional Yevon weddings of course also include the ceremonial artillery cannon for the post-wedding celebration. A must for such a big event. Perhaps a bit dangerous to include in a celebration in a sky temple overlooking a major metropolitan area. But I mean... you've got to make some sacrifices for such a big bash.
I like to think Yuna was supposed to have a normal length wedding veil and they just had to really wing it with this entire wedding getting thrown together during the course of an afternoon. So they just went fuck it, tossed a blanket of material over her, and called it a day.
Oh man. There's nothing worse than a wedding day where it rains the magical spectral remains of the dead from a dragon exploding overhead. ...What? You've never been to a wedding that had that go down? It's not that weird. I had a friend at this wedding in Tokyo 'round about 2003ish that had something just like that happen.
Oh hey. Cardinal Babyface was invited to Seymour's wedding as Best Man. That's nice. You can really see these Yevon guys as folks that might hang out in their spare time and not generic evil clerics, right?
New Music: Attack (Recommended Listening!)
Oh for Yevon's sake who let the confetti out already. I swear you leave these nitwits alone for ten minutes and this hapwait... That's not confetti...
PANIC! All men take aim!
What is it?
...What are we aiming at?!
I DON'T KNOW!
Cid has a really extreme way of objecting at weddings.
I know the rendered version of Cardinal Babyface only shows up for all of three seconds but pfft... Hahaha. It's like instead of a FMV Asian Stunt Double they replaced him with a rendered Cabbage Patch doll.
Brother sees it fit to buzz the tower. Come on, Bro, do some of that pilot shit!
Seymour wants a better view of the action. Look at the guy. He's loving this shit! Fantasy Pope is just happy to be here.
So the Fahrenheit has massive grappling hook anchors it can fire out for... some reason. I'm not sure what type of airship the Fahrenheit is supposed to be. It's got tactical nukes installed and this grappling hook accessory. But the entire interior is nothing but cargo holds and corridors. Except for the big roomy observation deck...?
At least the Yevon had the foresight to bring the ceremonial artillery batteries. Ya know... just in case of an aerial assault in the world that literally hasn't had an airship functional in a millennium. Or if the doom whale finally deciding to sort out the coastal metropolis that has been hanging out in pristine condition.
So, where are we heading with this grappling hooks latched onto the Temple of Bevelle business? Why, that's very simple question to answer.
The party is going to grind down the cables and crash the wedding, of course. Isn't it obvious? As you well know from blitzball, friction is just a mere suggestion in Spira. Normal sneakers and sandals are more than capable of grinding at will. Lulu is the only one that cannot successfully grind down a steel cable, what with her bottom half just being a writhing mass of belts. But worry not. Kimahri will carry her down the cable course. Yes Kimahri, the barefoot cat man can grind down a metal cable like it's no big thing.
Yep... Yep. This is all happening right now. Tidus' Asian Stunt Double seems to be having a blast.
The party manages to leap to safety and avoid the Yevon stormtroopers' err... well stormtrooper caliber aiming skills in the process just as the artillery barrage manages to take out the airship cables. Don't worry about the fate of the Fahrenheit coming under all that direct fire. It's going to go ahead and vanish from the plot for the next ten to twelve hours.
Now that we've transitioned back to the realm of in-game cinematics, the Yevon stormtroopers have all completely forgotten their rifle training and are content with staring in the general direction of our heroes. I'm sure they have a very stern look under their visors.
So... How's it hanging, guys? Gonna... You going to attack or anything...? No. Just hanging out. That's cool. Sooooo... We're here for the wedding. Sorry we didn't have time to change into our formal attire. Short notice and all. Mind if we just have a word with the bride?
I'll take that as a yes. Just gonna...
Oh geez. I should have stayed put.
So in order to reach Yuna and Seymour we are going to have to fight the Yevon Stormtrooper brigade. All of them. Three at a time. All the way from here to the end of the... whatever this place functioned as prior to being a wedding balcony gathering place. It... kind of kills the pace of the initial ridiculous entry to this wedding crashing.
Yevon Warrior Monks come in two varieties. Yes, I know there was just one uniform in all the previous scene. There's two now. Stop pointing out inconsistencies. Did you think they would render FMVs before finalizing the in-game details of a game as polished as a Final Fantasy. Don't be absurd!
The default warrior monks just fire their rifles a single shot for all of around 200-300 HP of damage. Ignore the bayonets on their fantasy M1 Garands. They're just for show.
Now the bearded red guys that have appeared on the scene come equipped with goddamn flame throwers and will fan the entire party for 250-500 HP of damage. They're pretty big jerks for men that only show up to the wedding reception once the battles start popping off. But they do really know how to party.
We had mostly been dealing with fiends and recently upgraded to the treacherous Guado as far foes went for the Guardian crew. So how will they deal now that they're faced with slaying their fellow man?
Absolutely no trouble murdering the shit out of them. Just going to go straight to stabbing men to death, lighting them on fire, and jabbing knives into their kidneys. Gotta save Yuna.
The first set of Warrior Monks were no issue. But in the next wave two flame troopers come alongside an... awkward armless wooden ballerina robot...? Uhh... You got me. It's name is YKT-63 if that narrows down what the hell it's supposed to be.
Ah well... I'm sure it's no threat. I mean look at that dumbass thing. Let's just mop up these stragglers and then we'll figure out how to take out the lousy wooden robot.
Oh you're gonna do a thrust kick to me, twinkle toes? Pfft. Maybe grow some arms and you can be a half-shitty robot.
Wait! What?! No! WHAT?!
What the hell was that?! Did that thing just spin-kick Auron off the side of Bevelle Temple?! I can't believe they killed him off so unceremoniously. That was messed up!
Well shit. We can't run away from these battles. Let's just get Rikku in here to Steal and insta-kill it. I mean it's a machina, right? That wooh that doesn't actually work for this robot. Well that's some shi
What?! No! Why!? I just wanted to use an Al Bhed Potion before the Overdrive. You can't do two Ejects in a row! That is fundamentally fucked. And great... Lulu's slow ass is after this jackass robot goes two more times in a row. Dammit... Fine well I can swap o
When was the last save point...?
Video: Episode 72 Highlight Reel (Recommended Viewing!)
Bevelle Concept Art
YKT-63 Final Fantasy Record Keeper Sprite