Part 217: Chapter the Third: Red Swingline
Chapter the Third: Red SwinglineTM stapler.September 10, 2027-October 5, 2027
We're going into a meatgrinder, with matches against Manchester City, Italian champions Roma, and Arsenal all in a row. Arsenal and Manchester City are both away matches, as well. If we win these games we'll have proven that we are indeed still the team to beat in both the Champions League and the Premiership.
Three-peat! Three-peat! Three-peat!
At Manchester City, September 11, 2027
Premier League
It's Ellis Rickard's big day, as Thiago is four days out from a full recovery and Stringel is almost two weeks from recovery. We're going to need him to show the class that lead him to 21 goals in the Championship last season.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Tounkara, Hammatt, Loseille, Zouaghi, Allan, Bale, Pickee, Mujkic (c), Rickard.
Subs: Kocsis, Quiboulaz, Bailey,Shirra, Damgaard, Moctezuma.
A lucky bounce and incisive passing from Pickee and Rickard gives Meteor a clean shot in the first minute, and we're up 1-0 before the fans have even taken their seats. Heroic efforts from the Citizen keeper prevents us from adding goals over the next twenty minutes, and then their defense finally finds a way to keep us from threatening further.
It's a tough scrap from that point on, but Allan supplies the dagger with a 70th minute goal and Manchester City don't have time enough to catch up despite getting a lucky bounce on a corner where the ball first hits the crossbar, then bounces off Minami's back and into the net. When Allan scores a second goal with minutes remaining it merely punctuates the quality of our performance.
Man of the Match: Callum Allan
Man City 1-3 Wrexham
He'll be back in the lineup against Arsenal, but needs a couple days rest before that in order to be fully fit. As such, Rickard gets a second start, this time in the Champions League against the winners of last year's scudetto.
vs AS Roma, September 15, 2027
Champions League, Group G
I would so love to use the Pyramid in this match, but with Thiago and Stringel both absent we don't have the horses up top to pull it off.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Quiboulaz, Laux, Loseille, Bailey, Shirra, Moctezuma, Allan, Mujkic (c), Rickard.
Subs: Kocsis, Hammatt, Tounkara, Lewis, Bouzid, Bale, Rouissi.
There's a Wrexham goal in the first minute, as Rodrigo Moctezuma slides his effort through inches of daylight from an incredibly tight angle. Things don't get any better for Roma after that, as Moctezuma is on the warpath, romping through their defense with purpose for the next half hour. His work culminates in a Mujkic goal as they've become so focused on shutting the teen phenom that our other players are so unmarked they can recycle possession in their penalty area.
By halftime it's four-nil, and the Italian champions have fallen like wheat before the thresher. At the end of the match Roma slink back home with their tails between their legs, having suffered their worst defeat in 20* years.
* (They lost 7-1 in autumn 2014 to Bayern, but that never happened in our AU as we'd already started playing. So I have to go back to another 7-1 loss, this one to Manchester United in October 2007, to find a worse loss than our 5-0 shellacking.)
Man of the Match: Rodrigo Moctezuma
Wrexham 5-0 Roma
We sold 39,037 tickets for the match, just shy of a sellout. It looks like the board did a good job planning the new stadium, if we can average that many asses in the seats our match day revenue line is going to look a good deal rosier than before.
It's also the first match played at our now properly monikered stadium. Our marketing department had for some reason kept calling the place “Wrexham Stadium” until now.
Just don't use that foot to kick the ball. That's not too much to ask, right?
Good!
Oh, not so good.
The best young American players have a bad habit of being afflicted by major injuries...
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You're never going to become a world class centerback if you can't stay on the pitch, Chris. At least this will take him all the way to the offseason so you can't get hurt again.
At Arsenal, September 18, 2027
Premier League
The Gunners are off to a hot start, sitting atop the table with ten points through four matches. Going into the Emirates to knock them off their perch will be an enjoyable affair.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Hammatt, Laux, Loseille, Zouaghi, Damgaard, Moctezuma, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Quiboulaz, Tounkara, Lewis, Bale, Bouzid, Pickee.
It's a duel between evenly matched sides, with neither able to gain the advantage or even hang onto the ball due to the tenacious pressing of their opponent. So when the first goal comes, it comes off a counter attack begun by Zouaghi winning a fifty-fifty ball at midfield and off the right foot of Thiago. We hold that one-nil lead into the lockers, and after the first half there's been a war at midfield and both sides have managed a total of six shots between them.
The start of the second half sees Matty Collett forget which team he's on as he allows a Moctezuma rocket to ricochet off him and into the net on a corner. Lino Fiorotto, the latest model of a brilliant young Italian striker to grace Arsenal's club, claws the home team back into the match with his league leading seventh goal of the year, and then for the next ten minutes the referee passes out yellow card after yellow card as things get chippy.
After the fuss settles down we restore our two goal lead when defensive midfielder Tomas makes a huge error at the edge of Arsenal's penalty area by heading the ball directly to a waiting Thaigo, who appreciates the service and scores his second of the day. When Fiorotto can't get his next chance on target the fans decide to try and beat the traffic, streaming to the exits. They were right to give up on their team as Wrexham are the beneficiaries of a second own goal, this one by centerback Miguel Bautista.
Man of the Match: Thiago
Arsenal 1-4 Wrexham
I was poking around one of the information screens, and noticed that there's a player, Andrew Wilcox, on a Premier League roster who doesn't earn a thing. He's in the reserves and isn't registered for league play, so I was curious how long he'd been at Huddersfield.
His tenure goes back to the start of the LP, has never made a single appearance for the club, and has never been paid. He's Milton, and he's going to burn that place to the ground if they don't give back his red goalie mitts.
Our next two matches are against Blackburn and West Brom, so Loseille won't be especially missed.
At Blackburn Rovers, September 22, 2027
League Cup, Third Round
(Preview screencap was eaten by a grue.)
It's a match I don't care about in a competition I'm lukewarm on, against a lower division foe. That screams Pyramid time, with the average age of our starting lineup coming out to 21. Callum Allan and Jonathan Quiboulaz are the old men of the squad, at an ancient 27 and 26 years of age respectively.
Starting Formation: The Pyramid
Starting 11: Kocsis (c), Quiboulaz, Tounkara, Lewis, Allan, Zouaghi, Bale, van Leeuwen, Rickard, Pickee, Damgaard.
Subs: Minami, Hammatt, Laux, Mujkic, Moctezuma, Rouissi, Thiago.
It takes three minutes to score our first goal, and another three to double our lead. Oddly, both goals were on set pieces, one corner and one free kick. Ellis Rickard can't stand the excitement, and has to be carted off in the 11th minute with a fit of hilarity. He's giggling from the trainer's room as he watches Dramane Tounkara score his second header of the game. The Batman salts away the victory in the 45th minute, and I'm tempted to ask Blackburn if they'd like to forfeit the rest of the match.
They don't, but in retrospect they'd probably like to have had the option. We get a fifth goal by way of penalty when Rouissi is tackled from behind, and the players let Tounkara take the kick so that he can become the surprise hat-trick hero. Claus Damgaard gets a goal of his own as the clock wends towards 90 minutes, and Blackburn were bashed apart in front of their own fans by what was essentially our U21 squad.
Man of the Match: Dramane Tounkara
Blackburn 0-6 Wrexham
It's a good thing we have about a dozen strikers on the club, or these injuries might become an issue. Rickard has been superb so far, he's leading the Premier League in assists at the moment even if he only has one goal to his name.
Well well. How's them apples, Collignon. Not so easy to win matches when you're playing real opposition, is it?
What a glad-handing schmuck. I won't fall for your charms, AU-Laurent Blanc.
Another Welsh showdown! This will be the 20th time we've played Swansea in my time with the club. We lost the first three matches, two of which were friendlies. Since then we've won 14, drawn two, and lost one. I like our chances.
vs West Bromwich Albion, September 25, 2027
Premier League
We just won 6-0 with an almost entirely reserves squad, so lets see how we do with our first team.
Starting Formation: The Pyramid
Starting 11: Minami, Tounkara, Hammatt, Zouaghi, Shirra, Laux, Moctezuma, van Leeuwen, Thiago, Rouissi, Mujkic (c).
Subs: Kocsis, Quiboulaz, Leandro, Lewis, Bale, Damgaard, Pickee.
Thiago puts us up one-nil in the middle of a typically dominant first half, and then adds a second on a free kick. West Brom snag a late goal to make a game of it, but the door gets slammed shut by Thiago completing his hat trick five minutes later.
Man of the Match: Thiago
Wrexham 3-0 West Brom
: WHO DID THIS TO YOU?!At Braga, September 28, 2027
Champions League, Group G
As was mentioned somewhere waaaaay upthread, Braga has one of the most striking stadiums in all the world:
A Pedreira, as it's known, stands on the edge of an adjacent quarry (hence the name “a Pedreira”) and was built for the 2004 Euro championship. It has rightfully drawn praise and awards for being one of the most creative and impressive pieces of stadium architecture in the world. I'm glad my fictional self gets to visit, even if my real life one probably never will.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami (c), Reed, Leandro, Tounkara, Quiboulaz, Lewis, Allan, Bale, Bouzid, Damgaard, Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Loseille, Hammatt, Zouaghi, Shirra, Pickee, Stringel.
All Ali Bouzid does is score. Literally. This is the fourth start of his career, and as of the third minute he's scored five times. Braga spends the next twenty minutes keeping us off balance and seeking an equalizer, but their attacks eventually peter out and we reassert ourselves on the pitch in time for Claus Damgaard to score just before the midpoint. There's no comeback in store for the Portuguese, as Thiago makes it three-nil in the 58th minute and Callum Allan converts a penalty that shouldn't have been given but that got Braga's captain sent off in the 74th. Braga do manage a shorthanded goal, but it comes long after the point where it might have made a difference.
Man of the Match: Ali “All He Does Is Score” Bouzid
Braga 1-4 Wrexham
Now THAT is definitely a record. Our unbeaten streak is really only 28 games, though, as we went out on penalties in the Champions League semifinal to Chelsea three years ago.
It's not good when you have a guy who's only 25 years old and is already starting to lose his physical talents. I'll be selling a couple of our plethora of attacking reserves at the winter break, and guys like van Leeuwen need to impress me in all areas if they don't want to be the ones packing their bags.
: You gotta relax, Darren. These are meaningless friendlies, you've been playing a lot of matches at Sassuolo, and I don't want to make you fly out here just so you can get 45 minutes on the pitch. You're being rested, not dropped from the international team. Just ask Hunter Fisher. I just made him captain and he's not in the squad either.
Wait, what did he say about my kids?
: Fernando needs to check himself into the hospital for memory loss. These “kids” have won back to back doubles. We have nothing to prove to a guy who got fired after only seven months of running Blackburn.vs Reading, October 2, 2027
Premier League
Shahed Parr has stayed healthy for the whole season so far, playing in all seven of Reading's matches. He's been one of their best players, and the one who could cause us the most trouble.
Starting Formation: The Pyramid
Starting 11: Minami, Tounkara, Hammatt, Zouaghi, Shirra, Laux, Moctezuma, Stringel, Thiago, Pickee, Mujkic (c).
Subs: Kocsis, Quiboulaz, Leandro, Allan, Bale, Rouissi, van Leeuwen.
Thiago seems to have regained his form of two seasons past, he's the first off the mark after banging in a header from Mujkic. Parr pegs back immediately after, though, but when I look to the side ref he has his flag up and Parr's mark is wiped off the board. Reading seem to have our number, though, scoring twice before the end of the half, and we're in the odd position of being behind at halftime.
I try to get the team to respond with a vigorous dialectic on the demands of the modern footballer. It invigorates them enough so that we create openings enough to put us back level, but there are to be no goals as we slump to a second defeat.
Wrexham 1-2 Reading
I will burn your family and devour your children, you fortunate braggart. You've just made an enemy.
The loss to Reading is a disappointing coda to an otherwise excellent run of form. We beat two potential title rivals in away matches, rolled over our continental opponents without even noticing they were there, and scorched the earth at Blackburn's Ewood Park so badly that I don't think anything will ever grow there again. Next up we have an international break, a trip to Stamford Bridge to face Chelsea, and a match against Southampton, who are proving to be more than just a flash in the pan.
Prediction Contest
I'm going to give people a chance to revise their entries, as it would be unfair to earlier entrants given that we now have a couple months of results since it was posted. We've used the Pyramid in 7 of our 12 matches, scoring 21 goals and allowing 7. We typically play 60-65 matches per season.
Predict: How many matches will we play with Pyramid across all competitions (partial games count).
Tiebreaker 1: What will be our goal differential those matches?
Tiebreaker 2: How many goals will we score per game while in the Pyramid?
Entry will still be open until 12pm EST on Wednesday.