The Let's Play Archive

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

by Jerusalem

Part 83

Man, the things I'd do for this heist.

But I was getting ahead of myself, before I found myself wrapped in skintight leather holding a two foot purple double-headed dildo; I was standing in front of the maintenance room at the Four Dragons. I'd told Woozie to meet me there so we could finally set in motion our plans for hitting Caligula's, but as I stepped in through the door using the key Suzie had given me, it looked like he wasn't there, it was pitch black.

"Woozie?" I asked, feeling like there was someone else in there.

"Oh Carl," he said, and as my eyes adjusted to the dark I started to see a vague outline of him, sitting there all alone in the dark. That was actually a little creepy.

"You could at least turn the lights on," I said.

"Oh," said Woozie quietly,"I thought I had."


"This window here must let some light in," he said as I switched on the lights, looking up at the old eighties poster of Love Fist he thought was a window. I looked around the room, big and cluttered, old cartons of Chinese food drawing flies.... but quiet, out of the way, perfect.

"Yeah, this is perfect right here," I said, making sure the door was shut behind me,"This is where we're going to plan the heist at."

"Anyone else coming?" asked Woozie.

"No," I said, walking past him, and he sighed.

"You gotta have a secret place to plan shit like this," I told him, grinning, getting into all this,"That's just how it's done!"

"OK, OK," he grinned back,"I see where you're coming from. So, what do we do?"

"I guess we got to make a plan," I said,"All that time I spent at Caligula's I got to see who goes where, who does what, and I think I got a way to get us past security. I got a friend in Fierro, Zero, he a technical whiz an-"

"Speaking of plans," interrupted Woozie,"Do you have the layout to Caligula's Casino?"

I just stood there, feeling incredibly stupid. I'd gotten to know the layout of the Casino floor, the management offices, but it had never actually occurred to me that even if I got past security I wouldn't have a fucking clue where to go next.

"Shit," I said, feeling like a moron,"No. I guess I gotta go get one."

I wandered past Woozie, shaking my head, feeling so stupid I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep for a week. Woozie just grinned though, looking amused.


The funny thing about places like Casinos is that, even though they have all that security in them, they still had to be built, and if they were built they needed planning permission, and if they needed planning permission they needed plans. And if they had plans, they still existed.

"Okay sir," she said, like it wasn't anything odd. Probably she had architects and health and safety inspectors and students coming up all the time,"Are you aware that reproduction of such plans is prohibited?"

"No, I didn't know that, why?" I asked.

"Well," she said sweetly,"We don't want to be party to preparation of a daring raid on the count room!"

"Oh, of course!" I nodded,"The owners wouldn't want to take a gamble on that happening!"

"I'll buzz open the door," she smiled at me, she was kind of cute actually,"It's directly by the main entrance."

"Wrong floor, sorry," I said to the guard with a friendly nod.

"Are you after the document depository?" he asked,"It's one floor down."

"Thanks," I smiled, and headed back down the stairs.

I looked around, I was alone in here, outside a couple of guys in suits were flirting with a girl, and I quickly slid a small satchel charge out of my pocket, one I'd brought along planning to discuss with Woozie how to use on Caligula's vault. I slapped it against the rickety old air-con unity and moved up behind a couple of heavy bookshelves, pulling out the control.

The alarm blared; smoke came pouring up as the documents stacked up near the flames caught fire. People started shouting in a panic, running for the stairs, and I waited as the smoke built up and the heat began making me sweat, then moved out to the stairwell, pushing past people going down, the smoke making it impossible to see each other till I reached the top floor and closed the door behind me.

Alone at last.

Tucking the camera into my shirt, I opened the door to the stairwell and smoke came pouring out, and I dropped to a crouch and put my hand over my mou-

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING IN THERE!" shouted a voice, and I saw the security guard from earlier struggling to pull a firehose from it's wall mount.

"Nothing!" I said,"I got los-"

"I think I found our firebug," the security guard said into his walkie talkie and I sighed, closing my eyes.


I put him down with a quick right, happy that with my beret, sunglasses and the thick smoke he wasn't likely to be able to identify me. I pulled out my straps, hoping I wouldn't have to use them, but they would be looking for me now, it seemed like they're already figured out the fire was set.

I rushed across the lobby, security guards and police opening fire on me, adding to the smoke coming down from the document room.

"I burnt what I needed to burn!" I shouted, pushing out through the front door, hoping they'd think I'd come in to set fire to the depository and not make the connection with the floor plan for Caligula's.

A car came pulling out of the back garage for Four Dragons, Suzie sitting in the back, about to go do his rounds, pick up the takings from his Book. They pulled up beside me.

"Do me a favor, Suzie, get this film developed for Woozie?" I asked, handing it over to him.

"You got it, CJ," he said, and then they pulled away.

I looked up at the Casino, listening to the sirens in the background as the Fire Department headed for the Planning Department and Police Cars went out looking for me. Time for me to go to ground for a little bit, spend a night in a nice comfortable hotel suite, order room service, watch some Cable and let the police run themselves ragged before moving on to the next case.

Planning for the heist could wait till tomorrow.


I'd set the Love Fist poster on a hinge and put a blow-up of my photo of the Caligula floorplan up behind it. If anyone came looking in here, they'd just see a shitty maintenance room with an old poster for a 80s band.

"very clever," Woozie nodded, but I didn't know if he'd heard the hinge opening or was just humoring me,"So what's the prognosis? Is this just going to be extremely difficult, or next-to-impossible?"

Sometimes I got the feeling that Woozie was just playing along with this whole heist idea, waiting for me to get bored.

"Hear me out on this, homie," I said, wanting to convince him how serious I was about this,"Alright; the cash room is on the bottom level. There's a bunch of rooms and a tunnel under the whole building with access to the Casino floors at either end of the complex. Alright?"

He leaned forward and something in his face changed. Now he was REALLY listening, not just playing along with a friend for the sake of the friendship.

"Now," I continued,"Security consists of CCTV, a keycode access and, in places, a swipe card."

Woozie sat quietly, staring down at his hands.... well, okay, not staring at them, but his face was in they direction. He was thinking something over, I could see it, taking in the information I'd given him and working out an angle in his head. Finally, he spoke.

Well, shit.

"Oh, my bad - habit," I apologized.

"Ah, don't worry; it's good practice for when we finally get a crew in on this," he said, leaning back in his seat."

"Yeah, I know," I said,"About that though, we gotta choose who is in on this REAL carefu-"

"Well," shrugged Woozie,"Then we've got our first recruit. Come on in and shut the door."

Suzie put the case down and gave me a "sorry?" look, so I just shook my head and figured there were worse people to have in on this. I opened the case and looked inside.

"Alright, cool," I whistled,"This is a security card reader that Zero's sent over. Now all we need to do is get one of those cards..."

"Easier said than done," noted Woozie,"Can't fake one without having access, can't get access without one. Can't steal one without it being reported, casino workers with high enough clearance to get out back to the cash room know if they don't report missing security cards they don't keep their clearance very long."

"Luckily," I smiled,"There's always one guaranteed weak link in any security set up."

"Oh?" asked Woozie.

"The human heart," I laughed.


Her name was Millie, and she was a Croupier at Caligula's. I saw her a couple of times when coming in to work for Rosie or Salvatore, but I didn't meet her until I came to pick up my last "payment", which meant pretending to gamble while they just handed me stacks of money. We'd gotten to chatting though and I'd felt a connection, but hadn't thought too much about it until she got relieved and headed to a security door and swiped a card to get through into the back rooms. She had high enough clearance to get in, and my immediate thought was if I could get hold of her keycard, then I could get in there as well.

Only trouble was, Salvatore had told me to keep clear of the Casino for a little while, so what excuse did I have to bump into her and flirt with her? The answer was to find out what her interests were and make her think they was my interests too. Hell, I'd done it with plenty of girls before just to get into they pants, the only difference here was I would get into her pants AND make a shitload of money.

Okay, maybe this was just a LITTLE more creepy than what I used to do when trying to pick up girls. Finally she turned into a small shopping strip, and I wondered if she was going to the photo shop, maybe picking up some snaps, maybe she was into photography? Maybe I coul....

Holy shit, girls go into those places?

Confused, I hopped off of the bike and waited for her to walk out and go into the place she meant to go, but she didn't. She really had just gone into a sex shop? What the fuck?

I looked around, feeling a little embarrassed, then lowered my head and walked into the store after her... and into a whole new, weird world.

"See something you like, sugar?" asked the girl behind the desk, wearing a leather mask and... well, not much else. I wasn't an old lady or anything, but she had her titties out right there in the middle of the store, little black pasties over her nipples but titties just all up and bouncing around, no pants, thong dragged right up her ass. I coughed, trying not to blush, and looked away from her chest.... and right at a gigantic double-ended dildo.... goddammit.

"Looking for a friend of mine," I managed to get out, and she grinned, showing off a tongue stud.

"Everyone here is looking for a friend, sugar," she said,"But keep in mind, we ain't a library."

Wiping my arm across my forehead, I turned and looked around the store. Most everyone was keeping they heads down, casting little sidelong looks at the magazines and videos and toys. Weird shit, fetish shit, "Hamster Love 2" and "That Can't Be Legal" (Candy Suxxx's big return, the poster said); Jenny and Sarah Lesbo Adventure X; Filthy Chicks; Anaconda; Vinewood Callgirls and Naughty Nurses.

Jesus Christ, places like this existed?

I walked down between the shelves, looking for Millie, but it was like she had disappeared. Most of the men did they best not to look at me, but some of the ladies gave me looks and little smiles. I ignored them, I was only interested in Millie, but it looked like maybe she HAD left and I'd missed her somehow. It figured, why would a girl who had seemed so nice and friendly at the tables be doing in a scummy place like thi-

The half-naked lady was standing at the end of a side corridor leading down to dressing room. For the moment she wasn't paying attention to me, and I stepped back so I wasn't standing immediately in her line of sight as I heard her talking to someone in the dressing room.

"Wow, it's nice and tight!" came Millie's voice.

"I'm sure you'll squeeze in just fine!" giggled the half naked employee,"Let's have a look."

And we both did.


She walked up and down checking herself out in the mirror, the way her titties were almost falling out of the corset, checking out her ass which was all but naked, adjusting the stocking on her legs. A tingling came from the dressing room and she picked up her cellphone.

"Oh, hi Benny," she said, Benny obviously some friend of hers who probably had no idea what friendly happy Millie was poured into at the moment. Then suddenly her voice dropped, became sexier, a little moan in her voice like she trying to please,"Yes, master, I'm just trying it on. You got yours?"

Benny you lucky motherfucker.

The half naked employee had a pretty shake in her walk she headed towards me, but I only had eyes for Millie's ass as she moved back into the dressing room to get changed.

"Can I interest you in some of our.... voyeur material?" she asked with a wink, bitch had known I was there all along.

"Nah," I said, thinking fast, thinking about the meeting Millie was setting up,"I wanna try something.... leather.... on. Something.... masterful."

She grinned, running her fingers up my chest.

"I have just the thing in mind," she told me.

Grove Street could NEVER know about this.


I followed Millie home, keeping my distance, driving in a Windsor I "liberated" from its parking spot since I figured a guy in a gimp suit on a motorcycle might have trouble staying incognito. she lived in an okay area, right on the edge of the desert not far from some pretty damn nice houses, including one of the ones I'd looked at when thinking of buying a proper place.

She looked so classy and respectable in her croupier's outfit in her nice little suburban home and her pretty little pink Club car. No one would have any idea she was into leather and thongs and calling some guy called Benny "master".

Benny you lucky motherfucker.

I looked around, knowing this Benny wouldn't be too far off. I wondered how I'd recognize him before he got too close to the house, but then figured if he was going to be wearing his own costume he'd stand out.... unless he was like her and showed up looking respectable. Then again, I kind of had a feeling that Millie was all about the fantasy, and having someone called "Benny" show up at her house and THEN become "Master" would probably spoil the mood.

I watched and waited, feeling the heat in this ridiculous outfit, and then I saw him, Benny, and I knew it was him. He wasn't wearing no outfit at all, and he was a pathetic trashy looking redneck motherfucker, but from the sloppy grin on his face and the gigantic fucking dildo he was openly carrying down the street, I figured it couldn't be anyone else.

"Jesus man," I said to myself,"All that effort she went too and you show up looking like this? You don't deserve as fine a girl as that."

I got out of the Windsor and walked across the street, and I must have looked pretty funny in my gimp suit, striding across the street, calling out his name. Luckily it seemed like the place was pretty deserted even in the early evening. Maybe everyone on this block worked night shifts or came home late? It was Venturas after all.

"Yo, Benny!" I shouted.

"Do I kno-" he started.

I kicked him in the nuts.

"Wha.... whyyyy..." he managed to moan, and I slammed a knee into his face and sent him crashing down onto his back, knocked the fuck out. Hauling him up over my shoulder, I carried him to the Windsor and dumped him into the trunk, looking around.... NOBODY was around. Seemed like Millie timed her little appointments around her neighborhood schedule. That was good, but now it was time for the moment of truth. I picked up the dildo, Benny's only nod towards making any effort at all, and walked up to her door. I was covered head to toe in leather, but if she and Benny had ever had appointments before she would know straight away I wasn't who I said I was. But if, like I thought, a lucky asshole like Benny got this date through some kind of anonymous fetish-freaks service or something.... then I was going to be the lucky motherfucker.

I knocked on the door, and her voice came back instantly, excited, she was waiting for me.

"The door's open, Master!" she called,"Come on in, I'm ready for you!"

I stepped inside.

Oh goddamn, this bitch was crazy. And she was FINE! And that ass! And those tits! For a second, just a second, I remembered Catalina and the crazy shit she did to me. But what she said next made me forget all about Catalina.

"Master!" she moaned, spotting the dildo,"Is that for me?"

"Yo... you've been a naughty girl!" I said, trying to think what a "Master" would say in a situation like this and how he would say it.... why couldn't I just met a normal girl for once?

"Ooooh I know! I know!" she moaned, and as I stepped towards her sashayed past me, giving me a view of that amazing ass as she pouted, face flushed with excitement,"You'll never break me!"

Man, the things I'd do for this heist..... ahhh who the hell was I kidding.

I was one lucky motherfucker.