Part 19: Why fight when we can talk
Update #18: Why fight when we can talk
So, we're done with the stupid ice temple.
Praise D&D Jesus for that.
Aw man! I thought we'd never leave!
If Urggzob had spent any more time on that bloody battle square we might never have.
Pah! Little man is just jealous of Urggzob's accomplishments.
Well, we're all in one piece, so shut yer yaps. For the most part, that is...how're you holding up, Marty?
I've come to some great cosmic realizations.
Ooh, fun! Like what?
My life has been nothing but suffering since I got on the boat in Luskan, man. I mean, pain train all the way to emotional damage depot, if you get me.
Truly fascinating as that is, Marty, I think we should catch up with Nathaniel. He's getting rid of that glacier right about now.
Good heavens. Were those chaps just sitting there waiting for us this whole time?
Looks like it.
This had best not be a passive-aggressive means to guilt Urggzob into feeling bad about spending time on battling squares, fire man.
Remember WAY back when in the prologue how we found a doppelganger in the sick tent, and that one guy made us switch out some letters? Yeah, this is where they finally come into play.
Uh, Pip? They're exploding.
I've become strangely de-sensitized to violence these past few months. Plus, I like bright flashing colors.
Now that we've proven ourselves the only competent individuals in this hemisphere, we depart.
Man, I hope this is almost all done. I'm not sure how much more getting stabbed, beaten, burned, frozen, shocked, and covered in bees I can take.
To be fair, the bees were all your fault.
I, uh...oh yeah.
Really, how did that even SEEM like a good idea?
It sounded a lot more useful on the scroll.
At any rate, guess what time it is! That's right:
And this is our glorious, vaunted start to the chapter.
Hands like bone? Madness? What does it all mean?
I'm sure it's just someone who's cold, Pip. You're overreacting a bit.
Or a crazy person. No shortage of them on this trip.
My word. Urggzob, mind yourself. That giant probably has retard strength.
Ha ha! Nothing Urggzob is not COMPLETELY used to!
Hm. Well done, everyone.
Urggzob will destroy super-bubble! This he swears!
She'll be out in a minute, man. What's the hurry?
The principle of an un-crushable object offends Urggzob.
Oh gods. More filthy, ignorant savages who probably want us to do their busy work before they give us the mystical McGubbin which lets us through their sacred initiation grounds, or some similar rubbish.
Tell us how you really feel.
Silence! I've just been without a proper bed for far too long to put up with much more of this tripe.
...man, it must be refreshing to be that cynical.
Stay good, Marty!
Of course, as soon as we step into the tiny village, we're accosted by this overly-friendly merchant.
For someone who's never met us, he sure seemed insistent on telling us where to go to get where we're apparently going for some reason.
Well, I guess we'll keep his advice in mind.
Dash it all to hell. He was talking, talking, talking, but all I heard was "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO INTO SOME MORE CAVES". I'm done with caves, hear me?
Urggzob liked the bit about hook-handed monstrosities. Sounds fun.
Man...I bet having hooks for hands would be real trippy.
No no, hear me out. Imagine someone's asking you to pass some bread or something, and you'd have to be all like "OH MAN I just CAN'T do that, man, I've got HOOK HANDS!" It'd be fun. For ten minutes.
...okay, that's it. Stop the boat; I'm done. I'm getting off.
What do you mean?
I positively loathe children. Why on earth would I waste my time trying to save the little savages?
You'd make a wonderful father. If any woman could stand your touch for the thirty seconds required.
Mr. Napalm, think of it this way: It's a small sacrifice on the road to wealth and fame.
Ugh, fine. But I don't have to like it.
Before we head out, though, we buy a rather interesting item from the merchant...
Ooooh, a djinni? Fun fun fun fun I wanna try it!
Man, this one better not be all angry and violent like that last one. He icicled me in the solar plexus.
Heh. That was kinda funny.
...I was about to berate you for setting him free, but we got free things so I'll hold my tongue. Kruskrak, what'd he give us?
A diamond and two magical items. Those are...
Some VERY nice bracers...
Mine now. Pip, you can have these gloves.
Yayyy, pretty gloves!
...and this cloak. Not too shabby. Urggzob, why don't you have this one?
Will it billow dramatically?
I, um...I suppose?
Good. Urggzob has been thinking about adding a degree of flair to his destruction.
All accounts in order, we make to look for those children.
In the woods, of course. Where else do missing children vanish to?
Marty makes quick with the tracking, confirming that yes: Children have been in this area.
Marty, I never knew you were an accomplished tracker.
It's like, a hobby of mine. I'm just generally afraid to exercise my hobbies in this group, though.
Bongos are also a hobby, and--
Ooh, makes sense.
Moving right along.
One of these days I'll stop provoking people into fights. It's just that beating up hairy sacks of testosterone never gets old.
Mmm, yes. Job satisfaction is having your foes line up for you, making their immolation that much easier.
Barbarians dealt with, we check this odd hut.
Nothing suspicious here, let's be off.
She's a nice lady, but she really could do to tidy up the place.
Into the woods, then?
INTO THE WOODS!
We take but two steps into the treeline, and what greets us? Spooky McGhosterson.
Yeah yeah yeah, doom gloom death et cetera. People have been playing this tune since we got off the boat.
What tune? What now?
That's a figure of speech, Pip.
And so, off we go. Not one screen in:
STUMP FULL OF BEEEEEES
Pah, is refreshing to Urggzob!
I could have TOLD you it was full of bees, man!
Well, I'm so very sorry. "Is this stump full of bees" just happens to NOT be a regular question from me.
Bees aside, the forest goes remarkably smoothly. It's a marvelous example of an otherwise useless skill taking the spotlight for a little while. That is, Wilderness Lore:
Without it, it's kind of trial and error (trail and error? I crack myself up sometimes) to get through to where we're headed.
Which is here, by the way.
Ooh, pretty! A nice Dryad lady!
Thank you for reaffirming that yes, you are indeed an Elf, Pip.
So that woman at the mouth of the woods was responsible for taking the children?
I seriously never saw that one coming. Not even a bit.
Really? I'm not all that surprised, really--
I was being SARCASTIC, good Mr. McSuperfly. But let's be done with this so I stop having to think about children.
Urggzob tires of all this chatter.
One screen west, like the Dryad says...
...and we're out of the forest again. Funny how that works.
Ma'am, I can assure you I mean only to congratulate you if you have indeed been stealing the children. Terrible creatures, they are. I...what's that horrid little thing behind you?
Hm. At some point this conversation went terribly wrong.
We found the children, at least. That's something, right?
This has been a bad day already, Kruskrak. Don't push it.
Can Urggzob crush now?
I guess so, man.
Be a good chap and deal with this ogre while I smolder with child-related rage.
Hah, easy enough! Time to is has been crushed, Ogre!
Truly, Urggzob, you mangle languages as surely as you mangle foes.
NOT ENOUGH! Urggzob must find MORE!
Wait for what now?
Where did evil child-steal-y lady go off to?
She's uh, right there dudes. Not very well hidden at all.
Oh. Well, this is the easy part, then.
All-powerful witch lady was only one of those three things.
Let's go tell these stupid bloody savages we saved their stupid children and be on our merry way, alright?
Hold it, she dropped a scroll case...
My word. So many new spells!
Does this mean you'll start being useful?
One will certainly try, Mr. Napalm.
As long as we don't get any more stupid errands, I'm sure I'll keep my temper.
More errands? Really, 'ronius, what's the chance of that?