Part 30: Shenanigans, or "JESUS GOD PEOPLE SHUT THE HELL UP"
We've a little ways to go yet; especially with the infrequency of my updates. Rest assured, though: come July I will update more frequently and finish this thing!
Update #29: Shenanigans, or "JESUS GOD PEOPLE SHUT THE HELL UP"
Off to sunny Kuldahar; a-merrily we do go.
I wonder what Kuldahar's like!
If this pass is any indication, deserted and full of disappointment.
Oh, that's no fun.
Kind of like my childhood.
What was that?
Nothing important! Mr. Napalm, how're you holding up?
What's that? Oh. I think I'm going to go into conniptions if I have to listen to one more person prattle on for hours and hours. That's not what I signed up for.
Urggzob signed up for crushing and body parts. That happens whenever Urggzob wants it to.
Truly, you're living the life.
Well, someone's living his life.
What? I don't get it.
I'm only beginning to get it myself. Soon, Pip.
At least it makes SOME sense to see snake-men in a temperate climate. Seriously, all those ice snakes were confusing.
Pray tell, Clobberella, what about this whole bloody adventure HAS made sense?
Precious little. You guys least of all, though.
At least we're all buddies! No one can beat us when we have friendship on our side, no matter how little sense they make!
Thanks, Pip. I think I have a cavity after listening to that.
Hwaah. Snake men only need to make enough sense to be crushed.
As always, Urggzob's simple but determined approach proves to be distressingly effective.
Nevertheless, we find one of the town's few remaining residents, a blacksmith.
All well and good, I'm sure, but I really can't be arsed to care about this guy, or his son. Here you go, Urggzob, if only to prove that Heronius Napalm V, esq. is a man of his word.
It's pretty, but I like weapons with fun stories behind them.
You're a bard, Pip. Of course you do.
Little people stay here. Urggzob has a revenge to do.
What's that? Ah, don't be too long.
Where's he going?
I have no idea. Do you want to try and stop him?
Not in so many words, no. Still, I'd feel bad if he wound up getting lost and destroying something important.
Ehh, this is the north. As long as I get paid, nothing around here is particularly important.
Callous, but expected of you.
Urggzob is blessed in his simplicity. Were it that simple for all of us...
Vague-and-cryptic Marty is less fun than confused-and-always-getting-hurt Marty.
I can't un-see the truth, man. And it's horrible.
Da-da-da-daaaaa, it's aaaaaa (dum dum) cruuush fiesta!
Sending little insects to their (bah bah) fiiiiinal rest-ah!
Urggzob is on to something. Little elf man must help Urggzob write this epic song.
Urggzob wants you in pieces, little man.
...and what Urggzob wants, Urggzob GETS! ...or crushes. EITHER WAY!
A few minutes later...
That was fast. Dare we ask where you went?
Urggzob had a very relaxing moment. Urggzob also decided to get a theme song.
Yay! I knew we could do something with you!
Getting him in a bath isn't one of those things you can do though, I bet.
I'm actually afraid to think what he'd smell like if we got him wet.
As we proceed through the all-but empty town, we keep running across and slaughtering packs of yuan-ti. Not surprisingly, they fall before us. In a tower nearby...
Wow. So a blacksmith finds a case full of scrolls, and thinks he'll be able to fight of hordes of snake-men?
I think you established that he's not the brightest wick on the candelabra when you said "a blacksmith."
Hey now. I've known some blacksmiths who were very nice people.
You're saying "hey now" a lot, Krusky.
It's probably the easiest way to express my frustration and feelings of helplessness when I'm around most of you.
Those feelings are common around one such as myself, really.
Once again, we're more in danger of being smushed by your swollen head than we are from the snake-men.
What's that? Did someone just say swoll--
Everyone gets it, Pip. You don't have to run it into the ground.
...okay, what the devil did you just do there, Marty?
I called the divine vengeance of the gods on the snake men.
You're not a cleric, though. Do you even follow a god?
With what I know now, I belive in very little. Perhaps this is why I can bend the power of the gods to my own purposes.
Too much philosophy! Not enough crushosophy!
Did you...just create a swarm of hellish insects out of thin air?
Just making sure.
Boo talky-talky! Yay crushy-crushy!
Some violence and exploration later, we come to this part of Kuldahar.
Hmh. This must be Iselore, the guy everyone's talking about.
Hardly a defensible location, but I guess he's doing alright by himself...
Oh lord. Everyone either run, hide, or find something to eat. I get the feeling that this guy's gonna try to talk us to death.
That would be a weird way to die. I mean, it would be better than some ways, like being hung upside down while on fire and covered in bee-covered swords while a--
I expect you to write everything down, Pip.
Urggzob has never faced such a perilous task as listening to all that.
At least we know where Isair and Madae are coming from.
The bad guys. Leaders of the Legion of the Chimera?
The people whom we're trying to beat, as explained by our employers--
...that's a good question, actually. Napalm?
Gah! I was having the nicest nap!
Sorry about that. Who are we employed by, exactly?
That's easy. We're, uh...well, damn. I have no idea.
So who's gonna pay us when this is all over?
...something has gone terribly wrong.
To distract Napalm from his distress, we tell the old man that his son is safe.
Huzzah side-quests. Also, we run into this fellow, and have a conversation that simply fills me with joy:
Gods bless, Urggzob. Gods bless.
Is that...a portal in a tree root?
Indeed. It should send us to the mystical crossroads, from which the yuan-ti are attempting to subvert the great tree of Kuldahar, preventing the peoples here from opposing the Legion's machinations.
This tree is weird. I've seen a lot of trees, but none with root-portals.
First time for everything, Pip. Shall we, gentlemen?
...aaaaand now we're in an imaginary land of mystical make-believe inside a giant tree, but not really inside the tree at the same time.
You would be surprised how apt your description is.