Part 11: Episode X: The Leg
Welcome back to Chapter II...a sewer level?! Are you shitting me, game? We go from a brown dungeon, to brown caverns, to a sewer?! What's next? An industrial waste processing site followed by a secret underground lab?
So, as it turns out the friendly neighborhood troll just wanted to empty Briggs' pockets of the myriad of useless shit he was carrying. All that's left is the Seal MacGuffin, the welcome note from the keeper, the stolen warrior soul, and Arach's finger. A lovely assortment of go-HEY! Hey, where's the pirate hat?! We never used the pirate hat! What in the hell kind of cocktease is that? One does not idly shuffle pirate hats into someone's hands and then never use them.
This fucking game!
So our old pal the KEEPER OF LOST SOULS IN THE KEEP OF LOST SOULS is taking a smoke break down in the sewers or some shit. He's barring the only path out of this area (pay no attention to the several indentations that look like paths, as well as that big light at the end of the tunnel, as they're all red herrings) thus we're forced to speak with the tosser.
So, you're going to go with the whole "oh what a funny coincidence" thing? Really?
"Baubles? Someone has been thumbing through a thesaurus to look smart, hasn't he?"
"What are you implying?"
"'Baubles'? Really? Who says that? You're honestly going to tell me you use that in everyday conversation?"
"I mean, you didn't even spell it right in your subtitle, for Pete's sake!"
"Will you just stick to the script..."
"Oh ok... Dice...err, well thank you! Baubles of luck and magic, eh? You are strange......very, very strange!"
"You tell say this to me, yet I saw what the cave troll shook out of your pockets."
"That was very rude."
"What were you expecting to do with that pirate hat?"
"You never know... Why were your welcoming gifts a bottle of chloroform, a sack of saffron, and a telescope?"
"They were of use to you, weren't they?"
"I never touched the telescope."
This animation loops a couple times, with a clear break where Ben's arm teleports from midway up his chest to the position shown above.
Who shrugs like that?! That is an invitation to a hug position, not a shrug. And nobody is hugging you, Benny.
Anyhow, we now have a loaded pair of dice to no doubt cheat and swindle poor downtrodden folk in the name of Briggs' ergh...do we even have a clear cut goal at this point?
There is only one linear path out of the sewers and it's just beyond where the Keeper was standing. Ben needs to take Shaft No. 666 (oh ho ho, I see what you did there) to exit the joint.
Despite this chapter being titled "The Sewers" a decent amount of it...
...takes place in a swamp. This too hails from the distant lands of Painkilleria. At least it's somewhat more interesting to look at than the endless shots of that one cavern...
Okay, I'm already sick of it...
Three or four screens of pointless swamp filler areas beyond the sewers, Ben comes upon this fellow enjoying the scenery. Benjamin is all too eager to chat him up.
That man has a toaster over embedded into his jaw, Briggs. Did you really expect him to answer? Wait, what?
The fog effects in this area are pretty terrible. They just pretty much ran a semi-transparent looping animation over the top half of the screen and called it a day. If you check out the video, you can clearly see the border of the animation in the middle of the screen.
Anyhow, Ben can utilize Arach's finger to pick the lock on the jaw toaster clamped to our new friend's face...somehow... Unfortunately, this destroys the organic lockpick in the process.
You know, for all the blood and gore caking that thing...I sort of expected a different face under the vise... Certainly, I wasn't expecting a well groomed goatee, at least.
"They call me Quagmire."
"Eh...? I don't follow..."
"It's not very large... How far have you traveled?"
<shrug> "Fifty feet, maybe?"
"Your lack of effort is most disturbing. I sense much tedious questing in your future for hubris and lack of motivation."
Captain Briggs is terrified by the proposal of being made to employ math to escape.
"Oh, ok thanks?? Err I think??"
Okay, so what he's telling us is that he'll either:
A.) Tell us some more gibberish that is fuck all helpful.
B.) Tell us the proper location of an exit and we'll have fuck all incentive to continue to help him.
C.) Be full of shit and murder Briggs as soon as he's freed.
So sure, it sounds like a great idea to help out this Good Samaritan!
That is far too many question marks for a statement sentence.
Ben can swipe Quagmire's Metal Jaw Clamp/Beard Groomer for whatever nefarious act that will further his goals at the misfortune of others in the future.
Quagmire's haunt has one of those devious exits at the bottom of the screen. At least it makes more sense to search in that direction when in an open area as opposed to a friggin' sealed corridor or dead-end back room.
Several areas of empty swampland later...
This looks decidedly vulgar...
How does this chucklefuck keep getting into these situations? More importantly, how does he keep getting into these situations down barred paths ahead of us? I'm calling it now. Bill Nilmates is behind everything!
What's that you say? There's no actual conflict in the story besides a guy lost in Limbo? Err...well; I suppose he could have been behind that!
How nice of Briggs to give him a hand! You get it? Since he tore off his arm? Oh ho ho. - Lost Transcripts from the Limbo of the Lost development staff meetings.
"I can't see a sodding thing with that fog animation filter coverin' me eyes!"
Come on, Briggs! Put your back into it!
What kind of half-assed sailor are you if you can't manage to yank one jerk out of the water? Go on and pu-
-JESUS CHRIST!!! What the fuck, Ben?!
Why do you hate this guy so much, Briggs? Dismembering one limb could be constituted as an accident. Two is a friggin' vendetta. Were you playing Dead Space before taking a vacation to Limbo?
Pictured: Benjamin Spooner Briggs, Captain of the Mary Celeste -- tremendous asshole.
Oh, come on. You fools didn't opt for calling the place the Sinn? What a wasted opportunity to make anyone who's playing the game's eyes roll out of their collective heads.
I sure hope it is handicap accessible, for your sake.
Like there won't inevitably be a fetch quest for some zany jerk chilling out in the in; no doubt with a forked tongue full of puns beckoning as we enter.
Ben is nice enough to return Nilmates' severed limb back to him. I guess there is no one in the area feeling hungry this time.
Old Bill is clearly more addled than previously thought. The last thing Captain Briggs needs is a knife to play with.
And with that Willy Nilmates hobbles off using his lost leg as a sad, crude crutch as he meekly makes his way across the perilous swamp.
Shall we take bets on how long before Briggs straight up decapitates the poor bastard?
"Very sharp, indeed..."
"Now, who's up for a bit of the old ultra violence...?"
Cheating at Craps
Dismembering Bill Nilmates (You should probably watch this.)