Part 5: Something of the Head
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My mission, should I choose to accept it...
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Is to destroy the multinational corrupt empire that holds the island of Scabb hostage. Operated by one Largo LaGrande.
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Practices include extortion, embezzlement, muscling of local businesses, thievery of pensions from helpless old people, kicking of cuddly kittens, and creasing of my new coat.
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What a dick.
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I am to, over the coming months, infiltrate his environment and uncover the one piece of evidence required to bring him to justice.
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There may be setbacks...
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I may need special, super secret stealth training.
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This training will push my physical ability and co-ordination to its limits.
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But I will overcome these trials...
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And master the skills I require for this mission.
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And proceed to look smug about it.
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And maybe, if there's time, a little victory dance action.
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There will be encounters with deadly, dangerous, and possibly adorable animals.
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And I am under no circumstances to be a wussy little bitch about it.
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It will take every ounce of guile, cunning and animal rights activism I can muster to infiltrate the heavily guarded fortress of Largo.
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It may take months...
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Even years...
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Once inside, I am to commence searching for the evidence needed to bring him down...
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They've suspected for years that Largo wears a toupee... The media will have a field day, his image will be forever tarnished and his empire will follow suit shortly after.
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Once I retrieve the toupee, I am to make my escape immediately!
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No exceptions. If not, this may lead to a disastrous direct confrontation with Largo himself.
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In the unlikely event that this happens, I have been provided with a twelve page bulletproof backstory complete with official documentation that I am to memorise.
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Once out, I am to report back with the toupee immediately for debriefing.
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Under no circumstances should I spend thirty minutes dicking around and eating cheese squigglies.
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I am to have good luck, and if I am to fuck it all up again like last time I am not to show up on Monday...
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Christ, it wasn't my fault those monkeys got loose...
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Those bites and scratches healed just fine...
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And he threw his shoe at them! What did he expect them to do? Not throw feces at him?
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Here's your damn toupee. I'm going home.