Part 50: Phanto limb
So, what first?
I have no fucking clue. What the hell kind of jobs do you give to a floating mask and cape?
What the fuck?! How do you screw up pulling up vegetables THAT badly?! To The Box with you!
Would The Box even work for him?
We'll use a coat hanger.
HOLY CRAP IT'S SATAN!
What are you talking about?
Didn't you see that?
Maybe I need to stop smoking the crack. Anyway, let's try pulling carrots again.
Hooray, you didn't fuck up! That's more like it. Now, let's get serious about your training.
I think a month of swimming will do him some good. Take him to the center, Holly.
So, you want to send this one to the water course? All right!
Gali and Monol monsters don't look like living creatures.
Well. Come to think of it...
They can pop out of their limbs... I wonder if someone's inside...
Ha. Ha. Ha... Don't be silly!...
...No, I guess not... There is a rumor, though. They say ones that don't resemble living creatures have another monster living inside or something.
Another monster living inside of them...?
Forget it. It's just a rumor...
All right. Well, take good care of Phanto!
Oh, and Miss Holly? Do you maybe want to go out for dinner some time...?
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha... You can be so silly!...
I think I may be seeing things, but I swear I saw a demon pushing Phanto's raft.
It probably was just my imagination. If he needed to breathe, he would have drowned twice.
On his last week, I saw another devil. Maybe the stress is getting to me. Regardless, Phanto managed to pick up a new skill. If I were a less rational man, I would have said the demon taught it to him.
Yeah, that looks like a lovely little attack. It's no cyclone, but I think it'll do.
So, what next? We can't really afford to send him back to the center.
We'll give him another trip to the farm, then see how he handles guard duty. I want him to electrocute some ninjas.
YOU ARE A FAILURE, PHANTO. A FAILURE. DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE YOU ON THE COATRACK AGAIN!?
You made him cry. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Where the hell did that hand come from?
Stupid crack. Hey, you know what? He's a magical monster or some shit, right?
That is correct.
Then we should make use of that. Have him put up a magic act.
OH JESUS HE ATE THAT WOMAN
Good thing he has so much power to waste. Now, I think we should send him to Holland to deliver packages.
Holland? You're not smuggling again, are you?
I admit nothing.
Awesome. Okay Phanto, now go tell Gunther that his snow will be in before 10:00.
What the fuck?! Thanks to you, I can't show my face in europe without getting shot. I hope you're proud of yourself.
If I wasn't holding a huge sack of cocaine, I would be so angry right now.
And since we can't afford to replace the fancy hut, we'll have to downgrade to a ghetto version for $1000.
Do you see what your failure has cost me?!
You are working off that thousand bucks right fucking now.
Phanto's first opponent was a gay dinosaur pirate. Read that last sentence over again. This has become the world that I live in.
Oh jesus, he even has little fairy wings. I am so close to hopping into the ring and beating him up myself.
...Not that I'm homophobic, mind you. There's just a limit to how much flamboyance I can tolerate.
Then why do you have a "God Hates Fags" ball cap on?
Um... Irony? Moving on...
A quiet, booming howl erupted from beneath Phanto's mask. Transparent limbs grew out of nothingness, summoning a bolt of lightning down upon the gay dinosaur pirate. Either that, or god really does hate fags.
Next was that stupid leprechaun dog we've seen die a hundred times by now.
Maybe god hates micks, too.
Can you go five minutes without saying something inappropriate?
For you? No.
I think I'm rubbing off on Phanto already. His invisible demon limbs flipped the dinosaur off.
And then called down the thunder.
His demon limbs then proclaimed that he won. Holly still doesn't see them. I'm not even high right now, so I don't quite understand it. Maybe it's like how they say that only the pure of heart can see unicorns, but backwards.
And more importantly, he paid off his little temper tantrum.
Yes, I was surprised too.
I mean it. You have been spoiling him.
That is seriously the last thing I ever expected to hear you say.
But who knows, maybe I am getting soft in my old age. I need to plan a stricter regimen for Phanto, and lord knows I can't do it alone.