Part 3: The Store of Babylon and Baron Widebeard

: "He's literally the only choice".
I'd love to tear it down and stamp it into paper mush... but is says "Defacing this poster is an offense punishable by transmutation".
Also, it's too high.

Here we are on picturesque Market street. There's a lot to see and do here, but our first course of action is looking for the Baron.






: I suppose that's the Baron.

Mission accomplished. However, let's see what items of interest we can pick up before we approach him. The Baron is (spoiler alert!) going to be our primary antagonist, so we need to tread with caution.

Store of Babylon theme:

The store has some:

Towels



: Nelly doesn't BUY towels.
I'll steal some if I ever stay in a hotel.

Booze


: Bah! Tourists drinks.
They're all novelty brands... I'll head to the bar if I want a real drink.

Juju Supplies


: I've seen island kids use the shrunken heads as stress-balls.
I'm not stressed though.

Gardening supplies

: These must be the skanky hoes I've heard so much about.

Lamps
: I prefer flaming torches.
You can't lead a mob with an oil lamp.

Writing implements

: I guess cartographers buy their own ink and stuff here.
Why bother, there's a jar of ink on the table.

Good idea. We wait until the Baron is distracted recounting his own adventures...



: Swiped!
Teach him to read.

Anything else of interest?




: Ugh, they have cuddly Baron Widebeards.

Pet supplies


: I don't think animals should be kept in cages. Except the ugly and vicious ones.
I don't have any pets. And if I did, I'd let them run wild and free.


: The wisest man in Athens once looked at a market stall and remarked:
"Look at all those things I don't need!"
I, on the other hand, am quite drawn to that glittery sea-shell.



Ah, but dislike of random nick-nacks means nothing compared to love of free stuff.

: It's mainly full of books.

: We had to clear space for the Baron's Ouvre.

: I think I'll have this one... it's about birds.
All the other books are about different types of sand.




: "The compelling tale of a man who squandered everything... only to become suddenly wealthy again without explanation. The riches to rags to riches story of the year."
I don't want one. I'd hate to be knocked down by a tugboat and have people find that book on me.

Right. Enough scrounging, time to talk. To the shopkeeper.

: Ahoy!

: 'Elo flower, what are you looking for?

: I'm a saucy maritime wench looking for adventure!

: I was married to a pirate once, but it didn't last.

: Why not?

: You know... the brutality, the debauchery, the foul language... he just couldn't take it.

: What do you sell?

: In the Store of Babylon? Odds and ends... bric and brac...

: This and that?

: Exactly.

: Peanuts?

: Yes.

: Shoe horns?

: No.

: Piano keys?

: Yes.

: Dinosaurs?

: No. But there's a sale on poison lizards. Buy two and get the least poisonous at half price!

: What of Spoonbeaks?

: I think we've have a few plush Spoonbeaks in the cuddly toys section...

: No, I'm looking for the real thing.

: Well, the island used to be overrun with the things.
The used to stroll in here bold as anything, shedding feathers and upsetting the children...

: So noble.

: ... I've seen nowt of them for a while now.

: That's a bit odd, don't you reckon?

: Odd? I sell humans brains in three colors.

: Ah.
...
What's all this hooh-hah about Baron Widebeard?

: Oh, the Baron's here doin' a reading of his new book. He gets right involved in his reading.

: Is the book any good?

: An instant best seller.

: Impressive!

: Not really... Beardo banned me from sellin' any competition. All t'other books are over in the freebie basket.

: Toodle-oo.

Enough dilly-dallying. Time to confront the horrid midget that just possibly might be behind the disappearance of the Spoonbeaks. Drumroll....

: Ahoy there, Baron.





: I-

: Yes, I've been told my prose is powerful yet soulful.

: Like Sean Bean?

: Exactly!
....
What brings you to my barony?

: I-

: I expect you're just the first of my fans to arrive. Everyone wants a piece of the Baron! Is there anything you want to ask, now that you've FINALLY met me?

:...
How wide IS your beard?

: Four metric hogsheads.

: Wow.



: I've seen wider beards.

: No you haven't!

: I have... on little girls.

: This is an outrage!
I'll have you know this is an award winning beard!

: Yeah, in the "little girl" category.

: Good day to you, wench!

That went poorly. Let's try again.

: So, you're promoting a book?

: That's right, "Widebeard behind the beard." The life story of me, Baron Ironfoot Widebeard.

: How did you get a name like "Ironfoot"?

: I have iron feet.

: Your parents must have been interesting.

: Hmmph... I don't talk about my family.

: Surely you mention them in your autobiography.

: Of course not! The book is about me, not about them.

: Well, what does it start with?

: Ahhem...
"Chapter One: Kids I Didn't Like in Nursery School."

: Woah, I've heard enough.

: Ready to rush off and buy a copy so soon? I forget the power of my words.

: Isn't your biography getting horrible reviews?

: Bah! Those book critic hacks can't write!

: How come?

: I had their hands cut off.

Let's cut to the chase here.

: What do you know about Spoonbeaks?

:...
There are no Spoonbeaks in the barony of Meeth.

: But-

: Good day, madam.

: I heard you have the Saul Island gate pass. You don't feel like lending it to me?

: The islands a... very dangerous place gel...
You'll stay away from Saul Island if you know what's good for you!

: But-

: The gate pass is locked safely in Widebeard Tower, so forget it!

: Hmmph. Where is your tower, by the way?

: I won't be helping you steal from me, lassie. Baron Widebeard is no pool!

: You mean "no fool"?

: Go away.

There you are. Our next destination - Widebeard Tower. Just as soon as we find out where it is.

...

But first:

: I'm so piratey I can: Beat an octopus in arm wrestling!

: Well let's arm wrestle right now!

: Um... I think I left my ship headlights on.

...

Bah!