Part 1: Welcome to the world of Elf.

Pokemon Crystal! This game already has an archived LP by RedChocobo. This version of the game has some key differences. Namely, it's an absolute abomination of mangled text.



First of all, Pokemon are consistently referred to as Elfs throughout the game.



While the dialogue usually makes some degree of sense in a mutilated way, there are frequent lapses of sanity.



Nuts, I wanted "Ho Chi Minh" as the name, but 5 characters kind of torpedoes that plan.



The lure of tradition is tempting...



Ultimately, I have a flash of insight. Terry will be the protagonist's name. I won't say why just yet, but it's meant to fit into the thematic naming most characters in the series have.



Pokemon Trainers are instead called coaches in this bizarre, parallel reality.



Terry's mother gives him the Elf's Gear, and then goes off on some batshit tangent.



It's a tragic life, Terry's mother is actually cognitively disabled. Unable to stand the pain of living with his mother, Terry ventures out on an Elf Journey.



It's rude to stare, after all. Stare me, I choose you!



A man by the name of Elf Grandfather has apparently made some sort of important discovery. He sounds like the patriarch of a cookie empire, or perhaps is a subcontractor for Santa.



Honestly, I hope Doug Dinsdale finds this thread. This is the antithesis of a translation, this is already at Zero Wing levels.



In case you haven't noticed yet, I'm not leaving a single option up to the goons. We're picking Rided, and you're going to like it!



Despite Rided being a she, I promptly name her Torgo. She'll manage, the other names for the team I plan are going to be a hell of a lot worse.



And this is the screenshot that prompted the thread name. Drug = Potion. Not only is the order of "Terry put the Potion into his bag" mangled, but evidently the phrase "put in" was permanently changed to "fuck", so this game is automatically highly profane because every time I get an item, I'll be seeing this butchered template often. Fine with me, because it's absolutely hysterical!



So, uh, what kind of drug involves two men dealing with it?



Pidgey has somehow been named Lap, while the moves Pound and Growl have become Prize and S-pin.



Ah screw it, this game is unworthy of being played normally.



The game proceeds to crash horribly. Don't ask me what went wrong, I just copied the cheats in from the internet. The infinite Master Balls cheats don't seem to do anything yet because Pokeballs in general aren't yet available. The cheat to make all Pokemon Shiny just makes the game vomit up an error screen.



Jesus, one update in and the game is already falling apart at the seams.



No thank you, kindly old man, I do not need a tour of the glitched wasteland. The basic shapes of things are retained, so I can figure out what things are without needing to be shown.



X-Men! Welcome to buy!



For some freakish reason, the inside of most buildings now look as if I'm playing half of this game on an Atari. I don't even know what the fuck.



Terry contemplates hurling himself into the sea of Tang and ending this madness while he still can. Persevere, Terry!



For some reason, Berries have become Sunstons. This world is getting more and more insane by the minute. If I were writing this LP in the style of RedChocobo or Zorak, I'd be writing an apocalyptic log as Terry descends into the churning depths of frothing crazy.



Elf Grandfather gives us the Magical Egg!



Or was that Odd Egg? By this point, I'm imagining the standard Poke'Narrator with Tourette's or something. "You got an Item! Fuckshitting cuntdicks!"




Oujide here claims to be the same person as Wusiji. Poor Terry, even the famous scientists in this twisted world are messed up.



After some nonsensical blathering, Oujide gives us the Illustrated Handbook. Will we be visiting Koopa Hotels next?



It's phone! There's so many electrical store! What a nice young man she was.



I say me what what, in the butt, everybody, in my butt, in my butt. Terry's rival appears!



"Scraaah" replaces Scratch somehow, and I have no idea what the text parser is doing to the game.



I am the walrus.



Even when translated into Chinese, Vietnamese, and then English, you can still see the taint of JRPG gratuitous religious symbolism. Terry's rival is actually the First Man Adam, what a shocking plot development!



We're going to call him Porno, however, to defile his sacred presence. And because I'm still 8 years old on the inside.