Part 15: Tale of the Shin-Kicker
14. Tale of the Shin-Kicker.
Long, long ago...
In a tiny bar of the Capital, worked a girl...
Lizzie Shinkicker! But she was unlike any other little girl that had gone before...
...for her mind had the agility and grace of a hippopotamus.
She no longer excelled at many things that were once as natural to her as swimming was to a fish, or flying to a bird...
...though somehow she still knew that she was somehow special, blessed by the world and the strange things in it.
Her frustration at knowing that something was wrong, yet unable to put into words what was troubling her, caused her to lash out at her adopted father.
Yet she still had a vestigal knowledge of right and wrong. Or so those around her hoped.
Her father, not knowing what to do with the child, sent her off to wander the land, hoping an answer would present itself.
Even the exotic creatures of the world desired to help her along in her quest for... uhm that thing. I don't know.
Though she was not averse to still enjoying the simple pleasures in life.
Her aimless wanderings brought her once again to a ruin in the middle of the desert where she had once fought dragons.
'twas the wyrm that Lizzie had encountered long ago, now retired from the world. The fire had gone from his belly, but in his eyes, a twinkle still shone. For her daring, the dragon rewarded her with a pile of gold. Then, the aged creature made a request.
Bravely, foolishly, or simply due to the damage to her cerebellum, she stepped forward.
Ho ho ho, I'm sorry. You were so good looking I couldn't help myself.
Don't be so angry. It was just the harmless practical joke of an old dragon who's not long for this world. It was nice, but I wouldn't complain if your bust was larger.
Hey, in deference to your adorable bust, I'll give you a special treasure. It's something you can't get very often.
The old dragon took a piece of cloth out of the treasure chest in the center of the chamber.
They'd look good on you. Please take them.
Is this some kind of underwear?
Nope, it's a real outfit.
What? This little scrap of cloth is...?
Stop thinking about it and just accept them. It will show off your long, attractive legs, and its futuristic shape and vivid colors will take everyone's breath away.
I dont know about this...
Nevertheless, Lizzie took the skimpy garment and fled this all too disturbing tableau into the desert.
Heedless of the peril, or merely too stupid to care, Lizzie bedded down outside the gates of Hell...
...and dared drink of the power of
And she smote many cretinous demons.
And Lizzie displayed the dragon's treasure for Gendo Shinkicker to see, and he was aghast.
Her mind was hale, but not whole, and she devoured books and learning with gusto...
Though her hunger for experience and knowledge should have been tempered with a little good sense.
...I mean, come on, just look at this guy. Lizzie, DO NOT TRUST A MAN WITH A MOUSTACHE LIKE THAT.
Where was I? Ah... ahem, and so Lizzie did consort with various buffoons and varmints, though none were foolish enough to lay a hand upon her.
Which is more than can be said for this idiot,
...who quickly learned not to bring knives to a fireball fight.
She quickly tired of this existence and once again set out to wander the land.
Not much was accomplished in her aimless wanderings, apart from annihilating fishmen and mermaids, and getting drunk with fairies.
All in all, a good time.
Lizzie even began cultivating her social activities once again, something that had been severely curtailed by her imbecilic droolings.
She relished even mundane, day-to-day tasks, now that they were in her grasp again.
Though she had not the time to be bored of them, as the time of the Harvest Festival had come once again.
Her father denied her the chance to face her rival in combat, and Lizzie conceded that Wendy was indeed a talentless charlatan, and took part in the Royal Dance Party.
Without further ado, let us begin the dance competition. The best contestants receive fabulous prizes.
I'm the head of the judges' committee. Points will be awarded impartially on the basis of such things as grace and artistic merit.
The contestants arrived, each more horrible and graceless than the last!
She cried, 'NO'! Lizzie rejected his help! For Lizzie Shinkicker needs no such underhanded trickery to win, when she was gifted with her keen mind, strong body and boundless athleticism and charm. Her performance that day stunned all with its sublime beauty and awed even the crassest soul. What she did, none will speak of, for what her dance meant touched each soul present uniquely, and they clasped it close to their heart forever.
Though victorious, Lizzie can also afford to be magnanimous, and allows her rivals their time in the spotlight, though their achievements are far outshone by her own...
Lizzie could only turn to the audience who had as one risen to their feet...
...to heap adulation, wealth and glory upon her!
...and entered into legend in ages to come.
And so now comes the time for us to part again...
...but, dear reader, you might wonder... what did Lizzie do that day, to be etched forever into the hearts and minds of those present at the Royal Ball? One can only guess, dear reader.