Part 9: .5

Once again a huge thanks goes out to Mr. Swoon, whose efforts have improved my thread substantially.

Chapter 8.5: Perctallnacht


Having been in every possible direction now, that only leaves the one option. FORWARD HO!

I am NOT a ho. I'm classy.


And here I was thinking there wouldn't be a guard posted outside the royal chamber. How silly of me. Anyway Percy, as they say in the positively scintillating strategy RPG series known as Ogre Battle™ by Quest and Enix, " it out!"

... what the hell was that for?

_{This adventure is almost over and I'm looking into endorsement deals.}

Wow, you sold out faster than Metallica.


You don't NEED to see our identification.

Damnit, you are not now, nor will you ever be a Jedi. Boss, sit back and let me handle him!

That WAS the general idea. I'm not getting my hands dirty... my oh so pretty hands.

(Why did I ever team up with this asshat?)


Lemme just ask my Magic 8ball something. Am I gonna make this guy my bitch? "All signs point to yes."

Minister Pumpkin may be hell bent on some hardcore ethnic cleansing, but god damnit, he picked the wrong group of people to initiate it on.

Anyway boss he's dead. It's time for some good ol' fashioned regicide.

But "regicide" implies that the Minister is a king, which he is not. He is just a minister.

But he usurped the throne, MAKING him a king.

But why is he not CALLED king, then?

Maybe it looks bad in front of the proletariat.

Not any more than KILLING them.


Everything has a gold pumpkin ornament on it. This guy has all the taste of a Persian nightclub.

His clothes are on the floor. I think I'm gonna try them on.

No. You're going to catch Nazi.

I'm not so sure it's a communicable disease.

Well, I'm still going to have to burn them. And you.

You mean if I try the clothes on, right?

I confirm or deny nothing.

The gaudiness of this place was astounding. I had been here for an audience with King Broccoli before he died, and that was maybe a week ago. It looked nothing like this - a sign that Minister Pumpkin was REALLY intent on making a show of his bid for power. A total overhaul of the throne room was absolutely insane. I wonder how many peanut artisans he worked to the bone to achieve this.

Hey boss, what's with this creepy baby stroller? It's got pumpkins all over it and there's no sign of any kids around here...

Minister Pumpkin mentioned having a son, the thing probably belongs to his demon spawn. It's just as well, the kid doesn't need to see what we're going to do to his dad.

Righto.


The door in the chamber led to the Minister's bedroom. Every iota of design and functionality that went into the throne room was also conferred here, which is to say there wasn't much at all.

I wonder where his panty drawer is.

...

Oh, these books! Check out these titles: "The One Who Became Cinderella's Coach," "Halloween's Heroes."

I got a title for you, "The Boy Who Kept Dropping The Water!"

Grabbing a random book from the shelf, I repeatedly beat Percy upside the head with it. If the fine characters from the glorious strategy RPG series Fire Emblem™ from the incomparable developers at Nintendo can beat the shit out of people with books, there's no reason I can't. By the way, look out for Ike in this fall's premier smash hit Super Smash Bros. Brawl!

Why does the hurting never stop?!

The hurting will cease when your mortality does. Wait, what the fuck is this book... "The Secret To Navigating The Mindbending Maze Hidden Underneath The Bed. Also Removing This Book Triggered The Secret Passage."

Lack of brevity and subtlety aside, I decide to leaf through the book. "When retreating from the baby monster, go straight until you have to turn. The holes will help guide you."

Convenient of him to leave the solution to his puzzle right by the puzzle itself!

Shut the hell up, nobody asked you. I him and knocked him into the bed...


... which caused it to slide over.

Oh wow, it sure is dark down there! And scary. This staircase looks pretty long too!

HOW deep? I think you should move in for a closer look.

Okay but I don't see what OH GOD WHY



Every bone-chilling crunch and scrape I heard from the screaming Percy sent quivers of ecstacy down my spine. If this were any more pleasurable I'd need a cigarette after it was finished.

However, my joyful excursion into the world of sadism was cut short when someone decided to shove me down the stairs as well.


Ugh... feels like a thousand vikings were invited to a pillaging raid inside my head.

Maybe you shouldn't have given your bitch Lisa all the aspirin then.

Percy, I was trying to score. The end justified the means.


Moving forward revealed a significantly more luminous area, though I can't say I was happy to see it. I always was bad at mazes, and castles always have a maddening array of catacombs.


Clutching my trusty compass in hand, I decided to try to make this as quick and painless as possible.

Which way do you think we should go, boss?

Let's see... you have 14 bruises on your head. That's an even number. That's more than a baker's dozen, which is ODD, as it is 13. Now, I used to always buy donuts by the baker's dozen at Barry's Pastry Hut down on fifth street, which is straight down the road from my house. Seeing as how ODD is the opposite of EVEN, I must now do the OPPOSITE of moving straight forward to Barry's Pastry Hut and move to the right.

Tell me the truth boss. Are you a witch?

I may or may not know my way around a pentagram.

Do you weigh as much as a duck?

I weigh as much as SEVERAL ducks.

... right. Let's go, I guess.


Curses! I forgot to count Percy's black eye!

What the christ is that?!

I don't know but you're the one who's dealing with it!

Now I don't see why OH GOD IT'S GOT MY NECK



You... you vile beast!

Thanks, I try.

NOT YOU... this time. MOMMA MONSTER! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL! OF FINGER WARS!


This wasn't very sporting of Percy. Momma Monster very clearly lacks hands.

Hah, she ran away! What a bitch. I guess we'd better find the Papa Monster. He'll make her get back in the kitchen and all will be well.

I'm not sure there IS a kitchen down here.


The maze was maddening. There were literally dozens of ways to go astray, and almost all of them led to another Momma Monster. Polygamy is a capital offense in these parts, which makes their choice of home all the more puzzling - you'd think they could find a better location than underneath the seat of all law in the land. Maybe they got off on the thrill of risking being caught. Then again, with this network of mazes there wasn't a chance in hell of that happening.


Oh god what the fuck. Percy, kill it. NOW.

But he's too young to fight back!

That's exactly the POINT. We don't need more of those freaks running around.

Well I'm not gonna do it.

His mother tried to strangle you.

And I killed her, so we're even.

God damnit. Well I'm not gonna do it... let's just go.

Wait, the book said something about this... "when retreating from the baby monster, go straight until you have to turn." ... Hey Percy, I think I figured the way out of this mess.


PROGRESS! "The holes will guide you." I think I'm on to something here!


Ignore temptation... must walk the straight and narrow. For once.


I found the second hole. Reminds me of when Lisa

TOO MUCH INFORMATION.


Third hole! Apparently we're nearing our goal.


It... looks just like the Momma Monster?

All his friends must give him a ton of shit for that. Percy! Defeat, violence, et cetera.


It... it doesn't have hands! THIS MAKES NO SENSE.


What's this "we" business? It was my idea that put a stop to it.

Your "idea" was to throw me at it and hope I managed to survive long enough to kill it.

And?

... forget it.

Anyway, the Papa Monster was concealing the exit. LET'S-A GO! Just like that incredible Mar

SHUT THE FUCK UP NOBODY IS PAYING YOU!


So here we were. Face to face with the greatest menace known to the land - Minister Pumpkin himself.

Well well well... if it isn't the super heroes. Or, should I say... super ZEROES! Aha! Aha! Aha!

That was uncalled for.

Look pal, I'm just gonna be blunt. We've cut a bloody swath through your entire army by now. We even dismantled your giant robots using nothing but the power of interpretive dance. I think you should just give up now lest I make a jack-o-lantern out of you.

So, you think me a weakling, do you? Ha. HAHA.

What's so funny asshole?


Is that what the power of LOVE is all about?

Did you just call me gay?

Come on, I know you hit that persimmon out of love.

No, I'm pretty sure it's raw, unmitigated hatred with a side of loathing.

Well, whatever the reason, it's a shame you had to run into me gentlemen, because unfortunately for you, I'm in a whole other league than my compatriots. You will not stop me. And when you fall, when the king's chosen men are groveling at my feet, the Final Solution can commence.

... final solution?

Oh yes, it's marvelous. I currently have Farmies waiting on standby with crop-dusters, and soon a potent herbicide will be spread all over the land. It's specially engineered, you see. It'll only leave the chosen, superior pumpkin race alive to thrive in this land.

That's... horrible.

Can the crazy talk. PERCY! It's time to smash this pumpkin!

Man, the Smashing Pumpkins have sucked forever.

Just do it!


The battle was very intense, despite the sheer retardedness of the methodology.


I am going to TEABAG you, you sick fuck!

Hmph. Insolent lad, you think you can defeat me?!


Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse very quickly. Apparently Minister Pumpkin was merely toying with Percy, lulling him into a false sense of security.


Boss... help, I... I can't take any more...

How droll. And to think I was hoping for a challenge from one so young. Impertinent fool!

No... NO!!


What the... no. NO. We can't lose. We're the good guys! HOW COULD WE LOSE?!

Oh, I think you know... The Saladorian prevailing is a cliché that only happens in your Berrywood movies! Oh, Mr. Cucumber! You entertain me! To show my appreciation, I'll help you awaken from your world of clichés!

And how do you intend to do THAT?!


I will tie you to a railroad track! Mwahahahaha!

This isn't the 1920s and this isn't a silent film.

Regardless... you're done for.

Boss, he's right! There's no escaping! Only the secret code can save us now! ... boss? Why are you twitching? Are you thinking of a plan?

Something like that...







One of these days I will figure out a way to hate him to death.

We don't have time for this! We have to think of a secret code.

Why?

I... I don't know! Something just tells me we have to.

Snickering, I decided to whisper something to him.

"Iamafag"? What does that mean? ................... oh FUCK YOU.

Seriously though, we're fucked Percy and it's your fault.

Secret codes... hey, I know!

This is going to be stupid isn't it?

Up up down down left right left right B A select start!

...
...

_{Well it's not like you're contributing any ideas.}

As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. It looked like this was the end of the road for us. Minister Pumpkin had removed an axe from the wall, and given what depraved things he had already initiated in this country, I knew he wouldn't be shy about using it.

... hmm. Hey, Percy. We may be able to get out of this, but you have to follow my lead, alright?

... whatever. This has been the worst adventure ever.

Hey, Minister Pumpkin!

You can't win, fool. It's best to save your breath.

LOOK OUT THE WINDOW THERE'S A LOWLY PEANUT ENGAGING IN CROSS-POLLINATION WITH A PUMPKIN.

WHAT?! I MUST DEAL WITH THIS HERESY AT ONCE.

Now!

Percy and I delivered an in-tandem bodycheck to the Minister while his back was turned, causing him to drop the axe, piercing the ropes... and Percy's thigh.

OH GOD THE PAIN!

Two birds with one stone. This day is suddenly looking up!

That will require a tetanus shot. Unfortunately you won't live to receive one!

Percy, defeat him!

AXE. IN. LEG.

If you don't beat him that'll be the least of your concerns. HOP TO IT.

I HATE YOU SO MUCH!


The kid had some kind of sudden surge of energy, the likes of which I'd never seen in all my days. He delivered the most glorious haymaker I've seen in my career, utterly ruining the Minister in one blow. Afterwards, he collapsed in a heap on the floor, desperately trying to dislodge the axe.


He sure doesn't!




That's highly unsporting of you!

I didn't get my title because of chivalry.

But you're a knight!

Psh, superficialities. Anyway, we'll be taking that Turnip Emblem now.

Hah, you fools! All your work was for naught. You can't save your land! I don't even have the Turnip Emblem! I gave it to my son! He will marry Princess Tomato and become the King of Saladoria!

You do realize that by telling us this, you've doomed your son to a grisly death, right?

You don't have it in you.

Look at my partner here. This is what I do to my ALLIES.

... _{I'll be good.}

Boss, we should probably tell Princess Tomato about the Emblem.

Yeah, probably. Are we though?

Yes.

Well damn.


Yes, yes I did. All me, baby. Let's fuck.

Did you get the Turnip Emblem back?

Oh, the Turnip Emblem? Uhh... funny story 'bout that one...

His son has it, so we couldn't take it back yet.

Oh... well that sucks. Still, with him defeated, it's time for us to leave.

But... defeating him didn't achieve anything. He's still alive, and his son has the Emblem. Nothing is stopping his evil plans.

Semantics.

No it's not!


_{No boss not the water. Not the water again boss...}


But we... grk! HATE.

Also I dropped some stuff.

...

Chapter 8. Done. There's still chapter 9, but it's basically an epilogue. Yes, the ending is about as stupid as you're probably thinking.