I would like to thank my spirit brothers over on GameFAQs who have compiled detailed instructions on this chapter. Without them this would be impossible, as you have to and approximately 70 hojillion things in specific order, often multiple times, in order to progress through this chapter. I'd also like to thank Mr. Swoon, for reasons which will become apparent soon.
(If any of you ever wanted to see the final chapter of this batshit insanity without actually playing the game, there you go. Password to chapter 8)
Chapter 8: The Diary of Princess Tomato
Oh snap, we dug our way to the storage room! Must be tons of priceless valuables in here. Percy, what can we steal?
Well uhh... there are vats of pine tar and oil... and there's a chain under this desk.
Visions of dancing riches in my head, gone. Nevertheless, I some pine tar, oil, and the chain. Failing all else, tarring and feathering a chained up Percy and lighting him on fire will provide me a sense of satisfaction that no amount of wealth ever could.
Pink carpet. Ugh, what bad taste!
You're still wearing lipstick, fag.
Let's just find the Princess so I can smite your ass and go home.
The hall contained four doors, all of which were locked. My enthusiasm in dealing with this situation was OVERWHELMING.
"Hey, is someone out there?"
STILL FARMIES RARGH
The Princess's chambermaid was inside the door, and came to inform me that the Princess had just left and was taking a shower. This was taking a turn for the erotic much more quickly than I had anticipated.
Percy, initiate beginning stages of seduction ritual... and get me some whiskey.
I ed the shower...
Boss, it's a baby orange!
You mean she's underage?
I always had you pegged as someone who liked the jailbait.
Percy. A word of advice.
If you tell anyone about this - and I mean word one - I will straight up murder your ass.
Scientists will invent entirely new fields of forensics devoted to figuring out what the fuck I did to you. Are we clear?
Before being chased out of the shower, we got a word in edgewise about the Princess. Apparently she'd already finished showering and went to the garden.
Anyway, it's time to snoop!
And how the fuck would you know? All the doors look exactly alike.
Maybe I'm psychic, okay?!
I didn't have time to ponder the insanity of this assertion because, much to my surprise, the key that Ron gave me DID fit. However, since we'd already been to the other three doors already, two of which were unlocked and one of which didn't match the key, I... well, I guess I did have time to ponder it. Percy was full of shit as usual.
It sure is. Perfect place to put away a persimmon if you ask me.
Oh, nothing. Just thinking aloud again.
Boss this may be my imagination again but I think you're trying to kill me.
Nonsense. Now go that desk under that gigantic and ominous spider web.
Hey boss, there's a gold coin! And... a letter?
Really... what does the letter say?
We already established that I couldn't read, boss.
And I already established that you're full of shit. Read the letter.
Ugh, fine! The letter says: "Dear father, I need more time to think about this. But it sure is a pleasant surprise! Can Princess Tomato really be my wife? I will be home soon to talk to you about it."
Huh... that's strange. If I had to hazard a guess though, I think this is Minister Pumpkin's son. There's a picture on the desk of Minister Pumpkin and a young kid that looks like him.
That BASTARD. I was going to hit that shit! NOBODY is taking away my royal harem! I've been working towards a threesome with Lisa and Princess Tomato and I'm not letting some little pissant stop me! Come Percy, we have snooping to do?
Snooping... Dogg or regular?
was the only thing I could do, really.
Even more doors and two branching hallways. Just what I always wanted!
The left path leads to the garden, I think. Let's try that.
Princess Tomato was gone. Again.
Wow, these mossy rocks look REALLY slippery.
Mossy rocks... heh.
I bet if someone were to push me in, I would drown! Since I can't swim and all. And he'd get off scot-free because it would obviously look like an accident.
Heh... hehe.... HAHAHAHA.
What's so funny boss?
Oh nothing. Say, I think I see something shiny by the water's edge. Could you go it for me?
Okay but I don't see OH GOD WHY DID YOU PUSH ME GRRRRRRGLGELLGLLGELGL
Oh my. What a terrible pity.
I watched him flail around with a sadistic snarl on my face. My efforts and dreams had finally come to fruition in one glorious waterlogged moment. I liked to think there was an element of poetic justice involved. After all, we had taken water repeatedly for our own purposes, and here was this wastrel Percy just dropping it whenever he felt like. No appreciation whatsoever for the conservation of resources! Now, however, it was the water's time to shine, and to show that karma really does come full circle.
Of course, I couldn't let the water have all the fun. And besides, why leave this to accidental chance?
Thanks Mr. Swoon!
~When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the daaaaaark~
I'm gonna die!
(Young persimmon... listen to me... it is not your time yet. You must persevere.)
~At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a laaaaark.
Apple statue?! But I can't swim! And grrrrrrrrgelglel he keeps dunking my head!
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on, walk on
(But there is one fatal miscalculation in his plans. You and only you have the power to bring change to this land. Plus, you have all the items. You have everything you need to escape. Be strong, warrior.)
You're... gggrgrgrglllegrg... you're right!
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone!
I've got it!
Percy somehow managed to slip the satchel off, and d the Water Wings we got so very long ago, promptly flying to safety.
Hah! Look at that! Free as a bird!
You... so... pissed off...
Hah, whatcha gonna do, me?
YOU ASSCOCKING MOTHERFUCKER!
Boss... I... I promise I'll be good... just... just stop, I can't take it...
I reluctantly held my fists of justice back for a moment.
I found... this ornament in the water... maybe we can use it.
Giving him a cautious eye, I decided to the ornament, as well as some water. Never know when it might come in handy.
Moving back to the castle...
Hey, let's throw something! Maybe he's like those guards in movies, always distracted by sounds. Then we can attack him and such.
That's stupid, you
Oh shit he's coming this way.
I Percy for attracting a guard's attention AND throwing away a perfectly good shiny, which caused him to drop something. The vat of oil, namely.
Insert dumbfounded glare here.
I love it when a plan comes together!
I fucking hate you SO MUCH.
We tied the guard up with the chain we found in the storage room. Now that we have free reign of the castle halls no hall monitor would dare stand in our way.
A jail was down the hallway where the guard was. Conveniently, the guard dropped his keys! JAILBREAK TIME
Unfortunately, none of these lousy ingrates had anything to say to me. The barrel looked suspicious though, so I kept ing it... turns out that there was a white leaf herb of some sort in there, dried up. I him some water...
His name was Lord White Leaf. Not much of a talker and ugly as sin, but he gave us some useful info.
Hey boss, this pepper says he has a nephew at the Saladoria police station.
Did you tell him we tied him up, made him our bitch, and made him shit himself in fear due to a soap grenade?
Yeah, I also smacked him around a little for being a relative of that homofag. Also, I managed to a caterpillar from the lettuce guy.
OH GOD THE CATERPILLAR IS EATING MY BRAIN
BACK TO THE HALL PERCIVAL
Only one of the doors in the second stretch of hallway was unlocked... I think I'll just invite myself in.
IT'S GOT MY MEDULLA OBLONGATA
Closer... heh, "examination" revealed it to just be the chambermaid again. Lazy bitch. Anyway, there's another door. STALKER POWERS, ACTIVATE!
Princess Tomato's room. I wonder where her panty drawer is...
You can be a pervert later, we've still got work to do.
You never let me have any fun!
No... no you do not Percy.
Percy reached for the wig and cosmetics but I promptly slapped his hand to discourage him. I'm not letting him get all dolled up for a night on the town.
All this abuse is making me tired... I'm just gonna sit on this stool for a minute.
The hell? Stools don't say squirk.
Get up Percy, that stool is suspicious.
ting the stool twice revealed a hidden compartment. Inside the space was a diary... the diary of Princess Tomato.
Is it time for snooping?
Percy, it's always time for snooping. We ed the diary...
It is my hope that Minister Pumpkin's SS Squad will not find me holed up in this attic. He intends to force me into a wedding with his own son. Day by day, I put on thick make-up to make myself look ugly in anticipation of the day I am caught. But I know I can't stay in here forever, so I've resigned myself to this misfortune.
Wow, that's pretty damn fucked up right there.
I guess we'd better find her. That marking on her face is gonna make her stand out really badly.
Huh... a suspicious old lady.
Hi there grandma. Just to show her we're not a threat, I whipped out the old Resistance Crest yet again.
T... this is evidence of the Resistance! But I don't trust you... it could be a fake crest! You're not going to fool me.
Lady, look, I may be a murderer, a thief, an arsonist, a communist, and a complete demon in the sack when it comes to royalty, but counterfeiting isn't my bag, okay?
What do you want from me?! Please go!
God damnit Percy, we need to have her chill out. Got anything to relax her?
Well, we could get her high as fuck on Chameleon Grass.
... a dastardly awesome plan in its simplicity. Force-feed it to her!
Hah, I was right! As soon a she finally started feeling good, she wiped off all the fancy make-up and revealed her true form - Princess Tomato!
'sokay, baby. I know a few ways you can make it up to me. Percy get out.
Ever since I was brought here, I couldn't trust anyone. Please destroy Minister Pumpkin and restore peace to the Salad Kingdom! He also stole the Turnip Emblem from us... on behalf of all vegetables, I beg the favor of you to get the Emblem back for us!
Women always were my weakness. A pretty face could get me to scale Mt. Kilamanjaro stark freaking naked. I guess it's time to suit up for the final confrontation.
The first half of chapter 8 is completed. Yes, HALF. This is by far the longest chapter in the game. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion!