Part 71: :science!:

Chapter 3:



Hmm, that’s strange.


Excuse me, old man? Who are you? I don’t remember seeing you from before.


Ni—Nikolai?! It is you, isn’t it? But you’re only seven years older than me! What the hell happened to you?
I am looking for Anna. Have you seen Anna?
All of this just because Anna disappeared? I knew you two were in love, but I never realized…oh man. Me and Al never had a chance, did we?
Anna, have you seen my Anna?
Sorry, Nick. I’ll let you know if I ever find out, though.


Hey, looks like someone’s finally living in the creepy barber’s old place. What did we always call him again? Freaky Fred? I guess I should ring the bell.


What the hell is this?

This happens to be a basic simon says puzzle. Much like Dr. Brain’s front door, the only way into the building is by matching the different colors and tones in order. Unfortunately, you keep having to do a new combination every time you enter, although it does run out after eight or so (clicking on the rope does allow you to try a different combination for a few more entries).



Dr. Cranium’s Hallway. This hallway’s setup should look familiar to those of you who played The Castle of Dr. Brain. Luckily, this not being a puzzle game, the minigames are quite a bit easier than even the novice level of Castle.

That wasn’t so bad. Strange though. And the old barber’s waiting room is just as freaky as I remember.


The fuck?


What? No.
Uh huh. Too dangerous for you, eh? In your case, it probably is.
Did that thing just insult me? I should tear it apart piece by—wait, no, Rakeesh said paladins aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing. I’ll just keep going.


Guess I should knock.
Don’t knock; come on in!
I would, but it’s kind of locked!
Then unlock it! The key’s on your side!
Great. This guy must be as crazy as Freaky Fred. And what’s up with this lock?


And here we have a jigsaw puzzle just to figure out where the lock is.


Ha, got it! But I still don’t have a damn key.


Maybe I should try the other doors.


No. NO! NOT AGAIN!


Oh no! You’ve been antwerped! Fortunately, these are just baby antwerps, so the “attack” wasn’t fatal.


I…I’m alive. Well of course I’m alive! Heroes of three lands don’t die to such silly things as antwerps…I hope. Guess I’ll try the other door now.


Behind the door is a sort of rat maze, but it’s missing the rat (or whatever is supposed to be traversing the maze).

Oh no. I have to grab one of these antwerps, don’t I? Maybe this animal-identifying machine will help.


Yes.
Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Not the baby versions, no.
Is it smaller than an ant?
No.
Is it black and white and red all over?
I think I’ve heard that one before. No.
Is it yellow, and does it weigh 500 pounds, have wings, and have an attitude?
What? No!
Is it gray and wrinkled and lives in a tree?
No?
Is it gray, wrinkled, wears a hat, and says “Only you can prevent savannah fires?”
…Yes.


Answering “incorrectly” at any point in this or the next Q&A will get you something like this. I’m not bothering to show off what answers you can get, but I encourage anyone with their own copies to experiment. Pogo sticks and elephants keep coming up a lot.

Weird. But not what I wanted to know.

*Going through the same dialogue again*

Does it bounce?
Finally! Yes, it bounces.
You want an elephant on a pogo stick, no doubt.
Would you lay off the elephants for a while?
Is it blue, avocado-shaped, and sings “Waltzing Matilda?”
Almost right, but I don’t think antwerps can sing.


As what, bait? So do I put avocado under the basket and you can trap it? It’s worth a shot, I suppose. I can just take it off of one of Mama’s sandwiches.


Holy crap, it worked! Now get in the freaky maze, you! …But wait, maybe this thing can identify the squid-thing above the monastery door.

Do you wish to identify another animal?
Yes.
Ok, let’s have a go. Does it have legs?
Oh yeah.
Hmm. Does it have more than one leg?
Yep.
Does it have more than two legs?
Yeah.
Hmm, does it have more than three legs?
Keep going.
Does it have more than four legs, then?
Yes.
This is getting tricky. Does your animal have more than five legs?
Getting warmer.
Does it have exactly six legs?
On the nose!
Does it look like a cross between an octopus and a squid, only with fewer tentacles?
Wow, how did you know?
Hmm. Well, hexapods mostly eat heroes. Sound like a good idea to you?
Hell no!
I was wondering. Well, in a pinch, a clove of garlic will do.

Great. Now, how to get an antwerp into a maze?


At this point, I wouldn’t blame you if you were worried that the entire game was just a series of minigames instead of actual inventory puzzles. You should be happy to know, then, that the thieves’ guild and Dr. Cranium’s hallway are the two locations with the highest density of these things, and we’ll have done most of them by the time the hero gets to Cranium’s lab itself.

As for the puzzle itself, it’s also quite simple. The little blue antwerp bounces up and down constantly, and you need to rotate the maze itself to make sure it bounces in the right direction. The goal is to get the antwerp to bounce over the key (which collects it somehow), then get it to the hole at the end, and all without falling into one of the black dots which resets the antwerp’s position.


Got it!


Now, to find out what the heck’s going on.


Dr. Cranium’s Laboratory

Dude, what’s with—


Oh, excuse me. I though it was Igor coming in to assist me. He helps out in the lab sometimes. You were the one knocking earlier, right? I’m glad to see you made it past my little puzzles. You must have more than the usual intelligence and perseverance to have made it in here. Welcome to my laboratory. What can I do for you?
Um, wow, thanks. I’m…I’m Nike von Slartibartfast. Who are you?
My name is Dr. Cranium. I am Mordavia’s chief scientist and a certified genius. Some call me mad, but I much prefer “Dr. Cranium.”
Who calls you mad?
Mad? Mad?! They ALL call me mad, but what do they know of madness? I am not mad! A bit perturbed about the world situation and how I get so little respect, perhaps. But certainly not mad!
O…kay. So why did you think I was Igor?
You’ve met Igor the gravedigger and tombstone carver before, perhaps? Business has been slow lately, possibly because there are very few people left in town, so Igor sometimes comes in to help me with my work. The forest is just as dangerous as before, but there aren’t very many people left in town who are stupid enough to go out there at night. I like to think of it as a sort of evolution in action.
I saw him just earlier. I’m glad he’s got something to do aside from gravedigging now.
Oh yes, Igor is carving out quite a niche for himself in the gravestone business. You might say he is well on his way to becoming a “rock” star. Then again, you might not.
Oh great, so he’s rubbing off on you.
Well, I do often visit the cemetery, as well. It has proven a fruitful source of materials for my experiments.
What? Dude, I knew people in that graveyard! Could we please change the subject?
Fine. What do you want to talk about?
I could tell you about my adventures. You see, it all started back in Spielburg where I…

*Hours—

Though I would be most interested to hear about your travels and your scientific discoveries along the way, I unfortunately have very little time for that right now. Perhaps we can discuss your adventures when you next return.
Fair enough. So what about you? What’s with all this science stuff?
Ah, yes, science! I am glad you asked. Science is the process of systematically increasing our knowledge of the world through observation and experimentation. One might say that the scientific method was first discovered by…

*Hours Pass*

Experiments are the meat and drink of science. First you must come up with a hypothesis based on your understanding of the Scientific Elements, then perform an experiment to test the hypothesis. Afterwards, you have a pizza. In fact, that reminds me of a certain project I engaged in back at the Academy. I was young and somewhat foolish, of course…

*More Hours Pass*

Oh right, I never mentioned the Scientific Elements, did I? You’ve probably heard them before. Earth is for solidity and stability. Air gives freedom and movement. Fire provides power and energy, Water fluidity and life. Pizza, of course, is the most important element of all. Pizza represents the essence of well-roundedness and regaining strength. Most importantly, you can have it delivered in under half an hour in most areas! Pizza is a crucial ingredient in many scientific formulae. There is a nearly infinite variation in its effects, depending on whether one starts with pepperoni, mushrooms, artichokes, or plain cheese. One should always order extra pizza in case the experiment requires additional materials. Besides, science is hungry work! There was a time when I had my doubts about the integrity of pizza crust, and I put my theories to the test when…

*Even More Hours Pass*

A hypothesis is a scientific guess, as I mentioned earlier. One predicts the result of an operation, performs an experiment to test the prediction, then has a pizza to celebrate the result. It is very important to stay flexible, however. Sometimes the experiment may give a different result than predicted by the hypothesis. Since real scientists don’t like to make mistakes, we always write the hypothesis in pencil. Excuse me, are you still listening?
Zzzzzzzzzz…
I see. *erase erase* *scratch scratch* *ahem* WAKE UP!
Wha? Sorry, I think I zoned out a little there. What were we talking about?
Science, dear boy. Unfortunately, some of the townspeople here seem to have no concept of the wonders of science. Some of them even claim my little inventions are “magical!” Such poppycock! There is no such thing as “magic!” Still, the townspeople insisted that I should be able to use my “magic” to cure wounds and sickness. I told them that I am a scientist, not a doctor, but they wouldn’t listen. I had little choice but to concoct some simple elixirs. They were childishly pleased. Science is really so simple once you understand it!
Wait, so you’re the guy in town who makes potions? Can you make health potions?
Oh, you must mean my patented Healing Drink. You may have my last one. Unfortunately, I have forgotten the formula for its main ingredient. If you can help me remember it, I will be able to make some more Healing Drinks, although the work is very time-consuming.


This is the first and last time you will see an actual copy protection system in Quest for Glory, and as they go, it’s not actually that bad. While you do eventually need a formula to win the game, it’s not until you get three quarters done with the game that it comes up.

Wait a sec, you put your formulas in this HERO magazine! Here, take a look.
Thank you! With that information, I am sure I shall be able to create some sensational scientific solutions.
What about stamina? Do you do that?
If you want to improve your stamina, then you should make sure you eat a healthy diet from all the different food groups and get plenty of aerobic exercise. That is science!
Nuts, no one seems to do them anymore. I don’t suppose you’d have anything for mana restoration?
Mana? Isn’t that a fungus that grows in the desert?
Oh well. Do you have any poison cure potions?
Oh, you must mean my new Universal Poison Antidote (patent pending)! You may have this one, but I will need some help with the formula to make more. Also, I am afraid I only have time to make one each day.
So you can only make one per day, but you’re just giving them to me? Why not sell them?
Sell them? I’m a scientist, not a merchant! Besides, I’m working off of a grant right now, so I hardly need the money.
Sweet. Are you sure you don’t believe in magic, though? All the other potion makers I’ve met call what they do magical.
Nonsense! There is no such thing as magic! There is only science! What you call magic is simply scientific phenomena that have not yet been properly investigated and catalogued. Still, you would be amazed at how gullible some people are. Just the other day someone gave me this scroll saying it was a “magical spell!” Can you believe that? It is purest poppycock! Nothing on here makes any sense whatsoever. Here, you may have this as a reminder that “magic” is a figment of fevered imagination. Only science is real!

Obviously, Dr. Cranium needs to take a correspondence course from the Famous Wizard’s School. As YOU read the scroll, you find that you have learned the incantations and gestures with which to cast a Glide spell! Then the scroll vanishes.

There, you see, it was not even a very good piece of parchment. Fell right apart!
If you say so. So what are you working on right now?
Lately I have been trying to bring life back to a dead body and to brew the perfect cup of tea.
Wait. Life to the dead and tea?
Oh, reanimating the dead is just another day’s work in the life of a scientist. Even science cannot bring a person back quite the way they were, but one can use scientific principles to restore the semblance of life and energy to formerly dead flesh. However, the one alchemical combination that I have thus far been unable to fully analyze is that of a good cup of tea. I am sure there must be a way to duplicate the effects of nature, but the results have not been promising so far. Perhaps you would like a cup of spearmint and beefsteak tea?
That doesn’t sound very good.
I thought not. This is even harder than Rehydration Solution and reviving dead tissue!
The what solution?
Never mind, that’s a problem for another day.
Well, I think I should be going now. Goodbye, doctor.
I’m a—oh right, the doctorate. I shall see you later, Nike! Oh, and if you see Igor, please tell him I still need the fluid.


Not quite as freaky as the last guy, but pretty weird in his own way.


I guess I should get a room here if Mama’s gonna be on me about the shop again.


Hotel Mordavia

You’ve entered a small but nicely-furnished country inn. Stairs lead up to the guest bedrooms. The floor is covered with sawdust and peanut shells. A barrel contains the few shells that managed to land in it. The innkeeper stares at you with an expression of fear and astonishment. It is several seconds before he speaks.


Nice to see you too, Yuri. Here’s the crown and five.
Your room will be the first room at the top of the stairs. When you want food in the morning or evening, just sit down over there by the door.
So what, no “Hello, Ilya?” No “Where have you been for the past six years?”
We’ve already heard all about it from your mother and the burgomeister. You say that you are a hero. We will judge you here by your actions, rather than your words.
Fine by me. Anything else you’d like to say?
Make certain you are back in town before dusk. The gates of the town will close solidly to keep out any dangers. Everything else is also closed, and even we lock our doors. You must knock if you wish to come in.
You’ve got nothing else you’d like to say to me?
Nothing.
Fine.


Meet the townsfolk: Hans, Franz, and Ivan. The townsfolk are always seen together, and almost always show up at the inn in evenings. They are also the most fun the voice actors had on this project, based on how much their lines don’t follow the script. Nothing I could write can make up for just how crazy they get, so I’m not even going to try. Instead, I’m recording each conversation, which I will later compile together into a few videos. For now, here’s a teaser:





All of the elephants are gone? That’s it, there goes my childhood.