The Let's Play Archive


by Various

Part 8: Superpowers

Chapter 7: Superpowers

To begin, Glorious Leader Smarms cashes in some cards:

Bumping his reserves up by 10 armies to 13, a total troop increase of 433%!

With all reserves in play, things look eerily similar to this:

Initiative dice! Deploy!

Hm, looks like everyone was trying to make up for last time...

Smarmadonia wins again! That's three times in a row... I think these dice are haunted...

Calling on all remaining Smarmadonians with a majority of their original limbs to take up arms and anything else sharp they could find, Glorious Leader Smarms reforms 13 new divisions directly out of his ass.

Roving as one great tattered, dirty, foul smelling herd, a full 8 divisions of Smarmadonian troops descended upon Great Britain.

Verdanian troops, reveling amidst their towering stores of laudatory rum rations, chanced to look out their windows only too late to see they had been surrounded on all sides by a hungry, embittered, and pitchfork wielding mob.

The Verdanians attempted to bargain with their captors in hopes of surviving the ordeal, organs intact, but talks broke down quickly when Red Army negotiators caught sight of the literally hundreds of barrels of spiced rum squirreled away within the fort and the situation almost instantly devolved into a bloody booze riot of biblical proportions.

Following their success, three divisions returned back to Scandinavia, dragging with them as much liquor as their simple, peace-loving backs could bear.

The remaining forces elected to stay behind, where they now roam the countryside of Wales in a belligerent and drunken haze.

Smarmadonia takes Great Britain!

Following a revelatory conversation with his maproom officer involving the phrase "Say, what are all those little pink things over there?", H.R.M. Balthor III decided to waste no [more] time and ordered his forces to attack Neo-Roman strongholds in the Middle East.

In a two pronged attack, launching from Egypt and East Africa, Verdanian soldiers marched on the entrenched Iron Legions in the hopes of breaking Neo-Roman control over the continent of Asia.

Three divisions of Verdanian cavalry, under the command of General John Buford, were to advance first, crossing over the border under orders to survey the enemy positions and wait for infantry divisions from the south to arrive.

In an unfortunate turn of events, Buford's men unexpectedly found themselves engaged with the enemy, and suffered heavy casualties in the ensuing barrage. Only the General and a few of his aides were able to escape alive, but were then unable to make contact with the advancing columns from the south.

The advance from East Africa consisted of 10 full divisions, under the command of Balthor III Himself.

Balthor came in slowly, cautiously, deploying his troops in a ring of hills overlooking the Iron Legion. Then, with Ironicus' men entrenched behind fat rocks on the high ground, Balthor finally attacked, ordering his men straight up a hillside, out in the open.

There, into that gorgeous field of fire, the Verdanians charged valiantly.

And were butchered, valiantly.

Afterward, men in tall hats and gold watch fobs would thump their chests and say what a brave charge it was...

A-Squadron, finding themselves re-enforced and unopposed in South America, proceeded to wage a campaign of terror and sodomy throughout the region, handily dispatching petty Verdanian resistance and in their wake leaving not one virtuous maiden nor untended alpaca unmolested.

"Perhaps we should say the 'A' in 'A-Squadron' stands for 'Americas'," said Operations Chief Medibot upon hearing the news, "Because, you know, now we've got two of them..."

Meanwhile, Jargonian forces in Alaska launched an assault across the Bearing Strait as part of a coordinated effort to also be way too late to do anything about the Neo-Romans in Asia.

Quickly losing the initiative to the defenders, Jargonian commanders decided to match their army's color with their actions and promptly abandoned the assault.

In the Atlantic, Jargonian commanders saw a target of opportunity in Iceland and moved to seize the poorly defended island territory.

Unfortunately for them, in a brilliant defensive play the Verdanians were able to beat back an entire division, once again turning the Jargonians' massive superiority in numbers into something approaching parity.

At this point the Yellow Army fired up their well-oiled retreat machine and ran away.

Both camps have furnished conflicting reports on whether the door hit them in the ass on their way out.

Jargonia takes Peru, Argentina, and Brazil!

Seeking to quench his endless appetite for conquest and vegemite, General Ironicus again ordered his men to form ranks and attack the isolated Clambodian forces in Australia.

Decider Roomforthetuna braced himself to resist, but deep inside he knew that, secretly, he wanted this battle more than anybody.

As Ironicus advanced, The Decider made a show of trying to retreat. General Ironicus was not fooled, he knew how the enemy general really felt. The look in his eyes told him everything.

He advanced his force swiftly, pinning the enemy commander down. Roomforthetuna resisted at first, but then, his eyes catching sight of Ironicus' firm and stiffening formation, slowly felt his defense give way. Behind his facade, he yearned for the mighty foreign general to break through his pickets and penetrate his lines, deeply.

Sensing his opponent's weakness, Ironicus moved swiftly to expose his flanks. Then, having repositioned for maximum effect, he ordered a swift and unexpected thrust with his massive, rigid column, straight into Roomforthetuna's rear.

The Clambodian commander reeled at the force of the first blow, but could not bring himself to resist. Again and again Ironicus thrust his force forward, each time penetrating deeper, and deeper into his helpless quarry's shuddering lines, until he felt the last of his main defenses fall away, leaving The Decider helpless before his conqueror.

Perhaps tomorrow he would be sorry, ashamed of himself for having let his adversary so coarsely advance on his field of battle. But for now, in the fiery heat of battle, Roomforthetuna could only think of one thing; this was the best engagement he'd had in his entire life.

On and on it went, the two nations' armies parting, then pulling each other forcibly again into another passionate bout of feverish warmaking.

Finally, in one last mighty climax, Decider Roomforthetuna succumbed completely to the General's burning lust for victory, and collapsed in exhaustion at the feet of his new master.

In the east, Ironicus' men moved swiftly from Afghanistan towards the Ukraine, making short work of the ridiculously poor defenses there.

They then moved south, where Balthor's men were able to inflict significant casualties but were still unable to halt the advance

Neo-Rome takes Indonesia, Western Australia, Eastern Australia, New Guinea, Ukraine, and Southern Europe!

Bested in battle, his country no more, Decider Roomforthetuna now lies in a jungle pit, 20 feet deep and under constant guard, and waits in dread the fate his captors might bestow him...


A turn both throughly fascinating and, dare I say, erotic! Verdania's unsuccessful gambit to break through in the Middle East has now left them quite vulnerable, having the same number of armies in the field as territories held. Jargonia has made significant gains, seizing the western hemisphere while the forces of Neo-Rome have secured the east. Everything now depends on the center, where the weakened forces of the Red and Green armies defend the last caches of valuable army-boosting cards.

Will the world fall into a dark age of Imperial Oppression, or merely left at the mercy of bloodthirsty sociopaths and their giant computer? Find out in chapter 8!

Risk cards now worth 12 armies! Hot dog!