The Let's Play Archive


by Various

Part 7: Total War

Chapter 6: Total War

Our turn is kicked off by the Empire of Neo-Rome, who exchange the battered remains of Maudania's once proud collection of cards for 8 bonus armies.

Re-enforcements are thus distributed:

Look carefully, see if you can spot the major points of engagement for this round...

Initiative goes to...

Hm, clearly none of you want it all that badly. Let's try again.

Smarmadonia! Clearly providence has smiled upon your ill-washed masses!

Following the Great Leader's broad strategic goals of gaining territory 'somewhere, anywhere!', Smarmadonian forces brought the war to Europe for the first time with a bold thrust northward towards Scandinavia.

The tiny, inexperienced, and outnumbered Jargonians were no match for the crushing might of the Red Army.

Smarmadonia takes Scandinavia!

Emboldened by their trouncing of South America's defenses, the mighty Verdant Crusade marched northwards through Panama in the hopes of seizing the Central American territory and shattering the Jargonians' grip on North America.

Facing them, elements of the now-legendary A-Squadron, along with virtually every re-enforcement Chief Medibot could find that wasn't nailed down.

Boldly, the Verdanian armies rushed the center of the Jargonian lines in the hopes of driving a wedge between their forces. Balthor's gamble, however, did not pay off, as two divisions of A-Squadron troops raced in from the flank, throwing the attacking troops into disarray.

Balthor ordered his men to kindly regroup and relieve his now embattled forward lines. However they were slow to act, and did not advance soon enough to prevent their comrades from being overrun, their corpses dry-humped for humorous effect in the most degrading of manners.

Suddenly, Balthor's troops found themselves outnumbered by the enemy. Obeying their orders to attack at all costs, they reformed for one more assault.

But the Jargonians had tasted victory, and in their zeal made short work of the remaining Verdanians.

His grand army now gone, Balthor and his aides slipped hastily south across the border in defeat.

Verdanian commanders in the east, spotting a potential opportunity, moved to attack the few remaining pockets of Smarmadonian military strength by marching north from France to seize the territory of Northern Europe and hunt down the Red Army wherever they could.

However, lacking a full commitment of resources, many of which were diverted westward for the Verdant Crusaders, the minimal Verdanian force suffered significant losses.

Hoping to prevent the loss of their entire force, they retreated back to France.

Hearing news of the defeat in Mexico, returning armies quickly reformed, sailing for Britain, and vengeance.

Their lone division, small in number but fueled by a bitterness that knows no bounds, easily swamped the isolated Verdanian troops defending the territory.

Verdania takes Great Britain!

Seizing the initiative, Jargonian forces in Central America regrouped to launch a counter-offensive against the retreating Verdanians in Venezuela.

They found their opponents shaken and unprepared, many otherwise occupied by playing melancholy music on violins or just staring blankly into the distance.

They were easily dispatched.

Jargonia takes Venezuela!

Preferring the phonetic complexity of 'Austro-Asia Domination', General Ironicus marched with the full might of his Iron Legions southward, with the aim of removing a certain Clambodian-shaped burr in his saddle.

Decider Roomforthetuna, possessing a functioning brainstem, re-enforced Indonesia with as many units as he could muster.

At first the Neo-Romans seemed sure to succeed, but the Clambodians, fighting for the very life of their beleaguered country, held their ground.

Time and again the two armies clashed, until General Ironicus found himself outnumbered by the enemy, and quietly called for retreat.

Inspired by his troops impressive victory, Decider Roomforthetuna went straight to work devising a way for them to now screw things up.

Somewhere, deep in rural China, General Googington looks out the tiny window of his cramped and squalid cell, and thinks of home....

Maybe somebody should send him a harmonica.

His plan to fail in order, Decider Roomforthetuna moved his men north to counterattack the now-weakened Neo-Roman legions.

Engaging the enemy on their own soil, however, proved to be disadvantageous, and the Iron Legions succeeded in crushing the assault.


Behold, such is the power known as 'attrition'. In the east, Balthor III's magnificent army was turned back by a nearly-as-magnificent Jargonian defense, while in the west the Neo-Romans found the full might of their armies not enough to dislodge Indonesia's Clambodian defenders. As for Smarmadonia, like a child left unattended in a room filled with power tools they seem positioned to cause a great deal of disaster.

5 armies will enter turn 7, but will 5 leave? Stay tuned.

Cards for the next round will be worth 10 bonus armies.