Part 61: Pia BombPia Bomb
Alright, time to catch up to what I was doing...over a month ago? Jesus christ.
It's the final fishing contest, and also the easiest to cheese.
Pia's as unhappy about it as you'd expect.
Everyone's...They're getting the fishies! The fishies!
They're all just guiding them to a better place.
What? Oh, is that right?! That's good to hear.
...Collette, are you feeling okay? You look a little pale.
This contest is exactly what it says on the tin.
Just fish in all the different dungeons and you'll win.
You're not gonna eat them are you?
Umm...well, Sakuya eats them, too.
That is not Sakuya. It's Evil-Sakuya.
So it's fine then. Link's not going to cook the fish, Evil-Link will.
Neither of you even made the top three! Get your shit together!
The rest of the day is spent cooking, including making a drink out of hot-hot fruits, heavy spice, and red grass. That definitely sounds like something normal people would want to drink.
The next day, the Noel Grass comes in. Pictured here is the silliest use for it - Healing Potions are both outdated, and can be made by mashing together three medicinal herbs. This way's better for grinding, I guess?
An even better way involves this.
You'll fail a ton, but once you succeed you're basically guaranteed a skill up.
Townsfolk dialogue will be sparse because most of it is either repeats or as riveting as Blaise here.
Let's keep moving along, then.
That's nice. I'm giving her Hot Chocolate, which she loves just as much and only needs chocolate to cook. It's even seasonally appropriate for once!
Why is that?
She's embarrassed for anyone to see how how enthusiastic she gets around sweets.
That ship has completely fucking sailed, buddy.
My inventory is so empty now that I'm barely doing anything. It's kind of weird.
I'm just...so happy! Thank you very much for the birthday gift!
Good news, Collette's never getting married because nobody has a life outside of what Link does.
It's been a while since I had a spear that didn't suck. Why not.
And I've gotten to be friends with you.
The rest of the day is spent murdering the same bosses over and over again.
This is the point where I say "fuck it" and speed the days by going to sleep after talking to Pia and tending to whatever crops remain. I don't even have a good reason to bother with the crops except I need something to do before Pia wakes up. But man does the game go fast when you're going to bed at 7am.
So I hope you like conversations with Pia, because that's what half this update is going to be!
We interrupt The Pia Update to bring you an old man's birthday.
Luckily for him, he's got an easy loved item to make.
Have you considered taking a stick from your backyard and making a backscratcher out of it instead?
Little does he know he's only getting a present because it's something different to do.
I'd ask where the hell you and Monica's parents are, but honestly idgaf. They needed a human town elder as a counterpart to Kuruna, and they had to be connected to you because you're the developer's favorite for some reason. And video game convention means you only need one person to fill in the role of parent. Bam, they get Wells and no one else.
Heavy Spice when we're out!
You can assume each Pia convo is a new day. Just in case you're really concerned about that for some reason.
Here lies Gold Turnip. It came too late to be useful for anything.
You definitely can't use that.
It's a good thing affection increases ridiculously fast, or else Carmen's birthday being this late might be mildly annoying for people pursuing her.
Let's see...maybe they're eating something tasty without you.
Fish aren't food!
I just so happen to have this sashimi I definitely made myself.
Whatever you do, don't bring me Boiled Pumpkin! Just thinking about it makes me sick. Today's my birthday. Why am I crying? That's weird. See ya!
OK, that was probably one of the better birthday gift reactions I've seen.
What is it?
Ummm, I was just imagining our baby turning out like that.
So both qualities are from me?
No, she's not pregnant yet. Just getting my hopes up.
Well, if we're being honest...
Because you're so happy now!
Yeah...you're right. Sorry...
>I love you.
I love you, too! Heh heh.
>You're easy going.
I see! You thought I'd just say yes?
It was a joke...
Mom? You mean Shino, right? W-what did she say?
She was looking for her sword.
Christmas isn't a holiday at all in this game. Not even in the typical Japanese "Christmas Eve is a romantic holiday, Christmas Day might as well not exist" way.
But the 26th is Shino's birthday.
Don't tell Pia what we're getting her.
Be careful, she'll eat the poisonous ones too.
>A day for presents.
Oh, are you giving me one?
>Day to grow older.
I-Is today your...?
Happy birthday Ninja Mom, please don't kill Link.
What's the matter?
Oh, but I feel bad about Pia...but it's my birthday. I'm sure she would forgive me.
No, that wasn't what I was...
Now's a good a time as any to mention that if you ignore a character long enough, they'll call you out on it the next time you speak. Since Link's turned into a hermit, that extends to almost everyone now.
Laser-targeted old lady guilt trip.
Zaid is less compelling.
Somehow the lack of a guilt trip can be even worse.
The only reason I talked to you in the first place was recipe breads.
Since I'm out and about, have this very relatable NPC.
And one more outfit, for shits and giggles.
It's as goofy as you'd expect.
Oh right, the final crop festival. Everyone else has the same dialogue they always do for these things.
Nah, I'm good.
I see...we're having a child...
You can choose each kid's gender if you want(remember your wife can get pregnant up to three times), but I honestly don't give a shit. Once they're born, your kid is basically furniture. So let's let the RNG decide.
Yeah. They'd be strong either way!
Yeah, I hope so...
I wonder what our child will be like.
Well she's not exactly going to be able to enter the baby, is she?
Random aside: If you're feeling cheeky and want to enter fodder in the festival, you can't. It's considered a good and not a flower or vegetable.
Since I basically gave up on using magic, I decided to at least show what some of these spells look like. Explosion is surprisingly underwhelming.
Big Fire is exactly what it says on the tin.
Joke's on you, I'm submitting a...golden turnip.
Link. They're a winter crop in this game. You've grown several of them. Try to keep up.
(I looked this up out of curiosity, and apparently IRL turnips are a cool-weather crop, although obviously not grown in the actual winter. This LP is educational until the end.)
It's made of gold, that means it's a shoo-in, right?
Or I can get fucking robbed!
A regular turnip goes much better. No, it doesn't really matter at all at this point, but it's the principle of the thing.
Eat it, Sherman.
Large stacks of items tilt alarmingly if you run with them. This has been your filler screenshot of the update.
After this, I dump most of my inventory into the shipping box. Feels weird having nothing pop up in the quick menus.
Semi-fittingly, this update's getting broken up by the New Year. Mostly because it actually provides a lot of dialogue, and feels like a nice book-end for these wackos we've spent...a year and three months with irl? Christ.
So I'll be showing the dialogue for everyone, no matter how boring or interesting, as a last hurrah of sorts. Also note that it's New Year's Eve eve. Things get kind of weird with two holidays back to back.
Is there anything that you have left to do?
Some of this dialogue gets vaguely melancholy knowing I'm going to stop playing ~2 in-game weeks from now.
"I lost my memory, got forced into hard labor on the only farm in town, discovered I could turn into a wrestlesheep, beat up four boss monsters, got a small handful of memories back, ended racism forever, got married to a mermaid, beat up a water dragon god, and won every single crop festival by 100% legitimate means. It really was a lot."
I guess I need to clean the store for the New Year's Eve.
And after that, have some udon! To treat myself.
At least she's not talking about food for the umpteenth time.
Yes. Link will definitely talk to you a lot. For today and tomorrow only.
You know, everyone's being disappointingly not-crazy today.
In all seriousness, I hope you do reflect on the past year.
Do you guys even get business? No NPCs ever go into the paid fishing area, and I sure as shit haven't been using it. You don't even sell fish, which would be the logical thing to do.
And it'll be the last update! Forever!
I helped by buying from you...maybe twice all game? If that?
The year, it might be ending.
So...you should ask me more questions!
I-I'll be careful...