Part 8: Contest Challenge 02 Results
Here are the results for the Eggman essay contest! This took a little bit of deliberation between the judging panel and myself because of the sheer number and quality of the essays.
Honorable mention and 1 point goes to Maxwell Adams for the following:
Honorable mention and 1 point goes to timeandtide for a well-researched essay:
Robotnik can outrun Sonic if he is properly prepared. His unusual body contains several speed bladders, which contain excess fast. If he has enough velocity stored up he'll be able to outrun even Sonic in a short sprint.
Third place and 3 points goes to Mystic Cave zOWNd for this keen observation:
You fucking faggot moron shiteaters. I'm fucking sick of reading your faggot theories. I'm pulling out a copy of my professor's analysis of Sonic the Motherfuckin Hedgehog. I thought it was lame at first, but I guess there's some limp-wristed "theorists" who need to be shown that their theory is just that: a theory. I'm even throwing in the bitch's bibliography just in case you doubt his shit.
A Hedgehog in Motion Stays in Motion; Doctors Don't
by Harold Bloom
Chili dogs are the missing factor.
Sonic was given super speed by consuming one, and his power is only kept up by eating them sporadically.
Dr. Eggman/Robotnik consumes almost six-point-o-five times as many chili dogs, therefore he runs faster--though his supply is severely drained by these acts. This brings into question a loop theory, that is, that Robotnik is fat because he must travel fast and he must travel fast because he is fat. It is a vicious cycle of no escape for the poor doctor, so thus he created this "Eggman" persona to deal with his own faults and the stress placed on him, a shadowy speed demon creature much as Rouge was created out of the desires of Knuckles to experience the feminine mystique in his life following the death of his mother.
All other theories are simply untested psychobabble, foolish dreams, and overly complicated imaginations dreamed up by the same morons who profess a belief in the "Tails as a Christ figure" and "Eggman/Robotnik as a metaphor for global capitalism" camps (for one, it is patently obvious to any but a fool that it is Blaze and Silver who stand-in as dual Christ figures, sacrificing their roles in the future to save the past; clearly Knuckles, the stout and brutal animal who must guard his gems all his life fearing their theft, who represents Western interests compared to Eggman/Robotnik's more vulgar).
Cameron, James. The Terminator. Terminator 2: Judgment Day. 1983, 1992.
Ferris, William. A Spectator of Thebes: The Search for Sonic in Our Lives. New York: Doubleday, 1987.
Whitmore, Mulligan. In the Shadow of Speed: A Pediatrician's Thoughts on the Blue and the Deranged. New York: Knopf, 1995.
Zemle, Patricia. Me and Me: Visions of Two Selves Across Media. Washington: Green Tree Press, 1999.
There you motherfuckin have it. Now enough of this "scholarly" bullshit.
Second place and 4 points goes to Schwarzwald and his logical dissection:
ROBOTNIK IS SHAPED LIKE AN OSTRICH. OSTRICHES RUN FAST AS FUCK. Q.E.D.
To expound on this theory I will state that Robotnik is a form of undead known as a lich. As all liches, Robotnik has evaded death by trapping his mortal soul in a phylactery, or rather a series of phylacterys. For you see, Robotnik's soul in contained in nothing less than the Chaos Emeralds. Infact, this is the only reason the Emeralds have any power at all.
This is also why Robotnik always loses. By establishing himself as an evil person, and by constantly voicing his goal of capturing the Chaos Emeralds and perverting their power, he has given the Chaos Emeralds a need to be protected.
Unbeknownst to Sonic, all his speed and "chaos control" is a magical effect Robotnik purposefully bestowed unto him. Robotnik never actually intends to succeed in his ridiculous plans; he only makes a show of stealing the Emeralds and being stopped by Sonic.
After recapturing the Emeralds, Sonic becomes that much more determined to guard them more closely.
Robotnik's only weakness, the seven phylacterys carrying his soul, are now quite safe.
Finally, first place and 5 points goes to YeOldeButchere for this sobering exposition:
That's easy. It's fear. Picture this:
You're an industrialist, trying to modernize a backward planet and raise up standards of living through the use of technology, for the common good. One day, some of your industrial robots are blown up by a sentient, supersonic blue hedgehog. That's scary as fuck. Now, said hedgehog has it in his head that you're a monster who's turning animals into robots and wants to take over the world and oppress it, in large part because of all the steroids, speed, colloidal silver, and other assorted shit he's been taking in massive quantities for the past decade. You decide to see if you can't reason with the guy, but for your troubles you get assaulted, and your ride gets trashed beyond recognition.
So you decide to deal with this like you would with any other pest problems: You put out some traps, like spike pits, modify a couple of your robots with .22 rifles, etc. The way you'd deal with any rodent, really. Soon enough, the hedgehog gets himself impaled, and you're done. Or so you think. Soon after, despite having quite clearly been drained of his precious bodily fluids, he's back and trashing your robots again. Maybe the other one was some sort of decoy? No matter, you're taking this into your own hands. You modify your ride, mad max style, adding a couple of guns, some spikes, missile, slowly swinging giant balls, that kind of stuff. Then you roll. You meet the hedgehog and after a brief struggle where he manages to make one or two lucky hits on spots you haven't really bothered armoring, you make him into thin gruel. This time you're sure he's done for.
How wrong you are. Soon after, he's back. You can't believe it. You try to kill him yourself once more, but this time he seems to know where to strike. He seems to know when to strike. He seems to know when you'll strike. Once you realize that, you try to change your attack patterns, but it's too late, he's done enough damage to blow up your vehicle, and you barely escape with your life. For the next few days, he follows you, destroying everything you throw at him, and it's obvious he won't stop until he gets you. You can't sleep. You watch as he destroys everything you've done to help people: one after another, chemical plants, oil refineries, amusement parks, all you've built, gets blown up by this satanic, unholy, immortal demon from the deepest pits of hell. When you do manage to take him out, he's back within hours.
Eventually, as you're trying to escape to the one place where you think you're safe, space, he defeats one of your latest creation, and for the first time, you're face to face with him. There's no steel plate protecting you. There's no vertical distance. He's there, staring at you with those empty, demonic eyes.
You run like you've never run before. You just fucking run.