Part 5: MISSION 4: Failing UpwardsDid you guys miss me? Because I missed you. I didn't miss this fucking game at all, though.
MISSION 4: Failing Upwards
Oh man, where do I start? We're getting "plot" exposition now, where "plot" is "random shit we made up to justify equally random shit". Looks like the mysterious sunny and temperate Siberia is the source of the Red Army's magic, which I guess is what lets me buy powers that don't work with my ProlePoints.
Now those dastardly Martians have deployed a Worm with a capital W to hoover up all of the People's Magic! Shock! Almost as shocking as the text getting cut off at the bottom! I kid, I kid...I'm not surprised in the least.
Are you tired of these yet? Because now I'm starting to hate them for their inaccuracies. Sprinkles aren't that big! THEY'RE FUCKING SPRINKLES!
Liberation? I can do liberation. I've only done it about 20 times so far.
I can also do battles where I don't have to touch a damn thing to win. 3 out of 4 missions have started like this. Maybe the whole game was meant to be an elaborate screensaver.
You can see on the minimap that this is a huge deluge of Dippin Dots coming my way. I didn't lose a single unit. Where's the fun in that?
I'm sure you're all breathless in anticipation of what new goodies we might have in this mission. Have you noticed them yet? That's right, it's SPETSNAZ! Our slightly grayer, twice-as-expensive infantry! We won't be exploring their potential in this mission, because infantry can suck all the dicks.
This is NOT the Altar of Communism. I don't know what it is, but there's a Blehlephant in front of it that needs to die.
Look real close at my tank cluster there. You see that green shit? No, not the green tanks, or the green grass. Strain your eyes and check out those little green wisps. Nine times out of ten, that is the ONLY indication that you're under attack from three-eyed horsefuckers*.
Sure enough, there's a whole line of the infringifuckers*. As you will see many, many, MANY times in this mission, they have a habit of firing from way outside your attack range, beyond sight range, and through any and all terrain.
Lucky me, rolling up there triggers another flood of Smarties, so I pull my battered tanks back to the infantry lines. Do something, you lazy bastards!
I bring down the four tri-socketed fucksocks* at great expense...I'm down to 3 tanks.
...And then a Copyrightodemon shows up to vomit eyeballs at me. And, AND, if you'll look closely at Exhibit FUCK, you will see another blast from an unseen, undiscovered multi-eyed fucklump*. Five minutes in, and I'm already getting the shit kicked out of me.
Bye, tanks. Thanks for failing to take out the Totally Original Meatball Monster. Double thanks for tipping off another wave of Skittles.
Well, that's why the Gods of Communism stuffed our foes full of CURRENCY. I purchase a new set of fancy tanks and blow the saccharine out of my alien oppressors.
...And then run into this. This will be a theme for Mission 4, kicking you when you're down. Then letting you start to get on your feet, and then kicking you in the balls.
Yes, I survived an ambush of 5 green-faced eyefucks*. Too bad there were 6 of them.
My last three tanks scrape their way out of the chaos and back to town. A Dumboloid also finds its way over...and then stops. Really, no matter what I did to it, it would not move. At all.
I lose yet ANOTHER tank to a hidden tri-eye-pie-fucker*, leaving me with this sad little lump of army. That will never do.
Unfortunately, much like the USSR in the late 80s, my finances are not what they once were. I purchase two new spiffy tanks to compliment my two beat-to-shit tanks.
...You green-skinned three-eyed dome-headed goatfuckers*.
Well, I can at least see the big altar from here. And there's only one oooOOOoooh in sight. Maybe I can ju
WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM?!
Running short on options, I lure the Not-Cacodemon back towards my infantry and let them go wild. They start chucking grenades, which do piddly damage to the mighty meatball. However, he remains focused on my tanks, allowing me to micro-manage them away from his exploding eyeball barrages.
This seriously takes several minutes, but eventually we bring him down. I also learn a valuable lesson about Horned Ripoffs: Their eyeballs only seem to explode if they hit a target dead-on. We'll see if that's actually consistent as we proceed.
Now let's get back tHOLY FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK IS
WHERE DID ALL OF YOU FUCKS
While I'm weighing my options (gun or overdose), have a closer look at our newfound nemesis, the Worm.
I only have enough LeninBux for two more crappy tanks. Checking the mission objectives, I also confirm a suspicion...that "Protect the Village" mission never completed. Did I miss someone?
Setting off to the...left, I find another horde of murderous ice cream toppings. I really need to stress how little a threat these guys pose to tanks. I wasn't kidding when I said they can't hit fast enough to catch a moving tank. They literally can't. My tanks didn't even take damage this time, and the toppings dropped a load of CommuCash that I was in desperate need of. I'm starting to look forward to Sprinkle attacks like normal people look forward to payday.
Meanwhile, the Worm has crept over to annoy my Spetsnaz. Very, very slowly.
The ass-end of the Worm. He does damage to my guys through means I cannot discern. I let them die because I am a cruel, unfeeling commander.
This should have been the end of me, except the Rosy Ripoff bugged out and failed to attack at all. And, of course, those dumbass Elephucks never do anything.
So that's what those things are! If you'll recall the briefing (sorry to remind you of that text vomit), we are to "sacrifice penal battalions there". Well, once the area is clear, a special infantry unit with Metal Gear exclamations (I've got a better shot of it coming up) appears next to the altar. Click on unit, move to altar, boom.
In fact, lemme show you what I mean.
You just heard that alert noise in your head, didn't you?
And KA-BLOOIE, Marxist Magic everywhere! Don't worry if you just seared your eyeballs out. Where we're going...well, you just won't want to see this shit.
It's like looking at a cheap-ass animal cracker and trying to figure out what fucking species the thing is. Bear? Squirrel? Badger? Tanooki?
Anyway, high on success and nationalist pride, I roll my tanks up the left side of the map and encounter a Scowly Tree. I blow it up, and...
That was supposed to be a screenshot of
What the Christ just happened? Was I not supposed to blow up that tree for some unspecified reason? Did I take too long? Did the game bug out? Is everything just terrible?
A lesser man might've called it a night right there. But as Stalin is my witness, I'm not letting these candy-coated/three-eyed/fire-breathing/eyeball-belching sons of BITCHES win this day.
We're back in business
Sacrificing the FUCK out of the common man for the Greater Good
And saving our goddamned progress this time.
The Worm wasn't waiting for me at the central altar this time. I blew through the first part of the mission much faster this time, so maybe he's on a set path.
After handling the two southern altars, I roll northeast to attempt a bridge crossing. The sickly-skinned shitfucks* on the hill discourage this avenue of egress.
Let's try the ridge above the central altar, then.
Yesssss...flanking you roly-poly ratfucks* is sweet indeed.
You just heard that alert again. Ahh ha ha ha ha ha.
An early shot of the ginormous particle effect that humps your screen when you sacrifice your sacrificial dudes.
My neglected infantry back at the town starts dying, and I check back to see why. Looks like the Worm brought some oooOOOooohs to help him lurch into town...
Wait a minute. The "Protect the Town" mission never went away. The Worm is on a set path. He's headed for thOH MY GOD THIS MISSION IS TIMED
Well, that bulbous fucksack isn't beating me this time. I charge headlong into disaster, trampling the bodies of my fallen with freshly-purchased units. I am all that is Soviet Commander.
Nothing a few waves of expendable armor can't fix.
BOOM PAGAN PROLETARIAT MAGIC
You're goddamned right I did. Mysteriously, the camera starts panning on its own...
And zooms in on...
Sure, whatever. If they'll kill that Worm, I don't care if they're skunk apes or Gorilla Grodd or something. Oh, but I'll tell you what they are: Slow as FUCK.
And that goes for attacking, too. They just flail their arms like a drunken sloth trying to find a tree trunk.
Good job with the pathing, too. That third Harry (sans Hendersons) never actually managed to attack the Worm.
They're too slow to even hit the slow-ass Worm as it squirms into town! Jesus! Good thing the game forgets to fail you at this point. A few more agonizing minutes of silent flailing, and the Worm is no more.
Praise be to Stalin. Never send me into another shithole like that again.
So, what have we learned? Well, it turns out-
(Click for full nationalist glory)
NEXT TIME ON STALIN VS. MARTIANS:
*I don't know what these things fuck. I don't want to know, and I'm not going to pretend to know. But until I figure out how to kill them without eventually losing EVERY GODDAMNED TANK I HAVE, I'm going to assume they are fuckers of the worst kind.