Part 17: 17 - Blingin' by the Beach
17 - Blingin' by the Beach
[Last time we had just emerged from a miniature maze. What we found was a ladder in a small glade of trees leading downwards.]
[That ladder leads us to this place; one of the most confusing switch-gate areas in the game.]
[The whole thing is a huge mix of ladders, ledges to drop off of, Boost Pads, and paths going every which way. It is very easy to get mixed up in here because you enter from the centre (via the ladder) and you exit to the south. The only reward for actually scouring this shithole is three Fuel Cells. You may notice that I have 37 when I came in, and even if I stopped collecting them (I won't) I doubt I'd ever need to find any more to reach the remaining satellites.]
[Finally, we reach Cape Claw, a sunny paradise filled with-]
I feel like someone is watching us.
Yeah, and you're gonna get raped, Tricky.
Aw, man. Wait, I can just use my camo.
I...what the fuck?
Wait, that wasn't right.
Hmm, not quite there.
Almost got it that time!
Will you just go back to normal, you fuckwit?!
Moving along now...
[Just along the road there's a target behind a waterfall which in turn extends a nearby bridge. This is completely skippable because there's a ladder out of the water just behind us, and all the important areas of the map are accessible through swimming. The only ones that aren't accessible are reached by jumping to them from higher locations (and those are just Fuel Cells, so eh).]
[One of the key features of this place is this giant friggin' Krazoa face. You can sort of see from the eye that there is stuff back there, but we won't go in there for a while yet.]
[Just off to the right of the huge head is the place we were being watched from. Up and to the left is a switch and a ladder that we can't climb right now.]
Welp, that sucked all the mystery out of that.
Just ignore the hobo and move along.
[And Tricky digs up some more useless shit.]
Bling bling, bitches.
[Rare, the game is not that hard. Seriously, enough fucking Bafomdads.]
[Swimming out into the bay gets us to this little beach. Ignore the oversized SharpClaw; he only lived for about five seconds. Of real note is the wall of brambles. Tricky can burn these down making them the replacement for ice sheets in non-arctic locales.]
Finally turning a fucking profit!
Hey, what's my cut?
Oh, you'll get your cut when I stab you with my diamond-encrusted butterfly knife.
[Even better than getting huge chunks of gold simply by ordering
[On the downside, this whole area is loaded with fucking spitters.]
[Speaking of abusing Tricky, that reminds me of something I want to show you: stand between an object you want burned and Tricky and beat the shit out of him.]
[Eventually he'll get so pissed off that he'll try to breathe fire on you. Of course, this is generally a huge pain in the ass because of how you move around as you beat him which causes aiming issues, and that the brambles cause damage when you get too close, but it's still fun to know that abusing Tricky can save you the effort of farming GrubTubs (notice how that didn't consume a GrubTub).]
[Past the brambles we notice the glint of sweet, sweet gold in a shallow tidepool.]
I think he's trapped in there!
How did he get trapped in that thing? They would have to have built it around him.
[Just across the bay we pass by this huge cracked rock which immediately causes the controller to start shaking furiously and makes the staff glow green. There's obviously a shrine in there, but we can't do anything about it yet.]
[Artist's rendition of Fox at this moment:]
Sigh, I guess we ought to check up on that brachiosaurus.
The what-now? You mean the HighTop?
Psh, fuck that. I ain't wastin' any of my chedda' on yo dumb ass.
Why pay when this is so much more satisfying?
Alright, you fat bastard, why are you trapped in here?
When I heard the SharpClaw were coming to Cape Claw I hid my precious gold deep below the sands. My memory's not what it used to be, though. And now I've forgotten where I buried them! With the help of your little friend you should be able to find them.
...and I will help you on your quest.
[Artist's rendition of Fox at this moment:]
[After we give him all his gold back, he stamps the ground once which causes that ladder back near the cage to fall.]
[Which gives us access to a switch which raises a nearby gate.]
[That then leads us to...]
[The blocks slide out releasing poisonous gases. You just have to slide the blocks back on top of the poison vents to unlock the room. One neat thing about the puzzle is that the amount of pure air you have actually corresponds to the number of blocks you've moved: as you close up vents the rate at which you run out of air decreases. This actually manages to give the puzzle a sense of urgency that decreases somewhat as you complete it.]
[Our reward is two-fold: one, we get out of Auschiwitz; two, the dumb bird is free.]
Shoo, shoo! Go away, CloudRunner, get away!
[Hmm, racism. I'm sensing a theme in this area.]
Have you two met?
...are you even trying anymore?
Our tribes do not see eye to eye. His father has probably been saying bad things about me.
C'mere, an lemme tell you shomethin', Tricky. You know thoshe CloudJoggersh er whatever? *hic* They can shuck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Hoo-boy!
Uh, right. Anyway...
General Scales. Who else? You see, I am the Queen of the CloudRunner Tribe, and also its GateKeeper.
I must return there to help my tribe.
Oh boy, more shit to do. I guess the SpellStone is up there for some inane reason. Looks like you've got yourself some company, lady. Peppy, I'm returning to the Arwing. Can you make sure it's ready for takeoff?
Oh hell no! I'd like my trailer hitch to keep its chrome!
Whatever. You can stay here and get chased around by SharpClaw.
I'll meet you at the fortress. Good luck!
[Wait, so Scales used her power to open a gateway, but it then closed? Does that mean he's trapped up there? Why did he need Belina to open the gateway when he can apparently use their powers without their agreement? I seriously doubt the Queen would have just let him open it without resisting. Ugh. This shit actually gets stupider, believe it or not. ]
[I'll be damned if I'm gonna show the whole walk back. For that matter, we've been to almost every major sector of the planet so you guys won't be subjected to most of the backtracking.]
What are you doing?
What? I thought you might be going to DarkIce Mines.
Why the hell would I go back to a nuclear wasteland? Delicious fallout? Whatever, it's too late now.
[Here we go again.]
[CloudRunner Fortress Flight: Viddler]
[That was pretty sloppy. One very annoying thing about the controls is that while you can slam into solid objects and then clip right through them, regaining control afterwards is very annoying since you're usually rocketed off in the opposite direction (and quite often into other objects, creating a constant cycle). The moving rings also make this a great deal more annoying since they force you away from the shooting parts and force you to focus on getting the bloody rings or you end up having to do it all over again. This level is one of the most annoying (you may have noticed that I have never obtained 10 rings on this flight).]
[And here we are in ancient Athens, I mean, CloudRunner Fortress.]
I'll fly ahead and check if it's safe. Meet me inside.
Wait! Come back! Why would I meet you inside if it's not safe?! ...Damn it.
[Onwards, to ridiculous gimmick items and vaguely amusing bugs!]
Hey! Someone let me out! Heeeeey!