Part 24: Snowe... You idiot!
All right, then. Time to go see the pirates; we've kept them waiting long enough. I could sail from Lime Shelf Island, but then I'd have to deal with random encounters. Starting from Mordo with the Champion's Rune is faster.
All we need to do is stare at the ocean for a couple of minutes before we finally (after spending a few months on optional fuckery) reach the pirates' nest. (Video contains Kika and is therefore recommended viewing.)
Let's not keep the lady waiting.
Kika's pad is totally sweet. We find her table and have a seat.
So why did Kooluk suddenly invade your kingdom? If it was Scarlet Moon or Gaien, I could understand...
Sigurd wastes no time and asks good questions. I wondered that, too! I mean, there must be a reason other than "Graham Cray is kind of a dick", right?
They can't take others like Gaien head-on. I presume their first move will be to colonize the islands to the south. From there, they'll secure resources. I suppose that's their strategy, but time will tell...
Cray Trading Company also bothers me. Their recent activities just don't add up. I'm thinking the two might be related somehow...
They're acting more like a Shipping Company. You wouldn't believe how many letters I've received about how Lazlo and Snowe should stop fighting and just fuck instead.
Cray Trading Company...
We've been letting those maggots have their way far too often!
Yes, you have. Shame on you, Dario.
But if they've joined forces with Kooluk, Cray Trading Company will be impossible to take on by ourselves.
So how about it? Ms. Kika, what do you say we join forces and take them on together?
Yeah, it's a good thing we left Setsu behind. He'd have a heart attack for real if he heard this.
What's wrong with two parties banding together for a common interest? Don't you agree?
Lazlo decides to be all "Fuck you Lino you are not my real dad."
As I thought, the fact that we are pirates is distasteful to you.
I love this line. It's just so... there.
Now is not the time to get hung up on such things, you know.
And from there on it just loops () if we say no again, so...
Lazlo... So he'll be in command of your ship. Am I right?
Yup, that's right.
Hmm. In command, even over the king? I don't really get it.
Well... You're not the first person to notice that, but...
I suppose that, for the sake of a common goal, I will place my trust in you. Let us fight together.
You know what time it is?
Find Treasure C - Chance of finding treasure is increased by 2%.
It's piracy time!
Hervey and Sigurd have a unite, Pirate Attack. Dario is a fairly standard-issue tank. Not much to say about any of these guys.
Their boss, however, is in a whole different league.
Remember how Lilin said Kika is really strong? Well, as you can see, her strength stat is barely even average. Nevertheless, she's by far the best fighter in the game. Kika comes with the Falcon Rune permanently attached to her left hand. Her version is similar to the one Valeria had in the original game, dealing triple damage to one enemy with no drawbacks.
The downside is that with her crummy magic stat, Kika will never get a second free rune slot. If the Falcon Rune was attached in the head slot, she might have, but as it is... no.
However, she is also the second character in the game with a 4 in Lightning magic. Technically, you could feed her a million Mag-boosters and make her the best mage and physical attacker in the game, but I think that's a little too much even for me.
With the pirates on our side, let's check out their hideout. They seem decent enough, I suppose? ...most of them, at any rate.
They even have a blacksmith! Who can't do shit to Lazlo's swords because they are too awesome for him.
Also, this couldn't possibly ever become important or anything.
This is our tailor.
Come to think of it, that ship over there is yours, isn't it? Could I be allowed on board, too? With a ship that size, you must have many people on board, right? I could tailor clothes to my heart's content...
Phil, sadly, cannot be cheesed the way Adrienne can - what he can make depends on how many characters we've recruited. Nevertheless:
Yes, please join us.
Okay, it's official. I'll start making preparations right away. Excuse me.
Who asked for milk? Give me a bottle of rum. Wait, make that a barrel.
Also, Kika has a private room deeper inside the caves. Check out all those weapons all over the place. Kika is not a person to be messed with. And that's about it for the pirates' nest. The game doesn't tell us anything about what to do next, so let's return to the ship and read some fan mail.
So why didn't he hire the first place winner? The game never tells us that, either.
Hope you also enjoy me robbing you blind, old man!
I'll put up a note about this. Not like we have a shortage of water!
I'm sure they... appreciate... the treatment I've been giving them... yes.
A little late for that now.
What the game actually wants us to do is to turn around and sail right back in.
A member of the Knights of Gaien, you say? Where might this person be right now?
Pirate: Being treated in Lady Kika's room right now. I don't know... Looked real ragged and worn down.
Naturally (due to narrativium), the "guest" is someone we already know.
Nice to see you too.
And by "nice" I mean I should punch you.
Wasn't me! You saw that, I didn't even touch her!
Ugh... If you wish... You could kill me right now... You hate me... don't you?
You guys, too? Why... are you here?
Because they have half a brain between them, unlike certain other knights I could mention.
We have been doing what we can so that someday we may prove his innocense.
What did you say? Are you serious? Fools...
Aiding a criminal is not only irresponsible; you're liable to be punished for it...
No one's punishing anyone for anything here. Because I say so. And I have the biggest boat, so that means I'm in charge.
Hehe... But there's no one who wants to punish you anymore...
Lazlo isn't jumping to any conclusions, so...
Th-Then, his innocense has been...?
...Paula does it for him.
That's not it... That's not it at all. Actually, it's... Razril.
Just out of curiosity, how many days - no, make that how many hours did the place last after I left? Three? Four? I kind of expected to see plumes of smoke from that raft, but then some people showed up and distracted me, so I may have missed them.
Razril has been seized... by the Kooluk. Aid from Gaien never came.
A-Are you serious? What about all the knights?
Stop acting like you're surprised. You know faceless NPCs can't fight their way out of a wet paper bag.
To my knowledge, there have been no casualties as of yet.
Oh, that's right... You don't know... Snowe is Commander now. He sold Razril out to the Kooluk.
Yup, sounds like Snowe, all right!
Stop me if this sounds familiar, but I think what she's saying is he got put in a commanding position he was in no way prepared for and proceeded to fuck everything up.
Furthermore, as a reward, I believe he's now captain of Kooluk's Anti-Pirate Task Force.
I'm sure if Commander Glen were still here, he would be deeply disheartened to hear this.
I'm sure if Commander Glen were still here, we wouldn't be in this situation.
I mean. I'm still not sure if Glen was supposed to be a good commander or not, but he'd pretty much have to do better than Snowe.
How could this have come to pass?
They didn't come just to invade. They grilled us about the pirate attack on Razril. As a result, I was--
Let her get some rest now.
I cannot... believe any of it...
That time... with Troy and them! Even then, they were already preparing to invade Razril!
Give the lady a cigar.
Anyway, attempting to get anything else out of Katarina just results in her "..."ing at us, and
Kika doesn't have much to add either. We'll head outside.
It seems Lino was listening in on the conversation.
We'll have to gather up all the forces we can to fight Kooluk... But what's the best way?
I dunno, I figure I'll just keep teleporting around and grabbing anyone who looks like they might have a name. Seems to be going pretty well so far!
Hic... We can jus task Ms. Elenor.
Dario! You thick-headed drunk! You've had enough for today.
I do like Dario.
Elenor? Elenor Silverberg? She's the Scarlet Moon Empire's tactician... But I haven't heard any word of her lately.
Because. You know. There's only one person named Elenor in the entire world.
(This is probably true.)
She retired a long time ago.
That's right, she retired in connection with some incident.
Infodump better, Lino. I know you could if you wanted to.
But hmm... Elenor...
I heard that it was Elenor who helped Scarlet Moon drive away the Kooluk. If only we had someone like that now...
Wait for it... wait for it...
That was fast.
What's that? Are you saying you know Elenor? You could have told us earlier...
I doubt you all could understand how she feels. I'll notify her, but the rest will be up to you.
Lazlo just stares. Sorry Kika, we should have warned you about that. It's kind of what he does.
Lazlo goes back on the ship and stares some more.
At least this time he has something to stare at!
What? You know him?
Well, it's kind of like this...
We'll attack... Yes, these pirates must die so that... all may navigate the seas in safety!
Snowe. Snowe never changes.
How ironic. He's hunting pirates, but acts like one himself. Die for the safety of all? I can't believe my ears!
Snowe... You idiot!!
This battle sure has a dramatic title!
Sadly, the battle itself is More Of The Same Shit.
The only thing of interest is that we now have Kika's ship, the Grishend, at our side. This ship, just like ours, can be outfitted as we like, using our own characters instead of faceless generics. We can also change captains around, but there's really no reason to bother, or to go into any detail. (Naturally, Kika is always in charge of this ship because... she's goddamn Kika okay.)
By the way, if the battles against Dario didn't get this across properly, I'll just say it straight out: Nalleo is horrible at everything and should be replaced as soon as possible.
Jeane isn't just hilariously powerful on foot, she also doubles as a portable siege weapon. 60 is the highest power we can get in rune cannons. Mages tend to be much better at this than others - they are perfect for cannon duty, but, since runes can't be used while boarding, they tend to be terrible on deck.
So anyway, the Pirate-Obel Alliance proceeds to kick everyone's ass and set them on fire.
Come now, did anyone seriously expect Snowe to put up a fight?
So bad at absolutely everything.
I agree. Charge!
He's heading for Razril, and thus so shall we. Fortunately, I can just sleep my way through this.
...the people don't seem too happy to see him! (Recommended viewing)
"I CAN SEE THAT, YOU IDIOT!"
Flaming arrows?! What are you doing just standing there? Hurry up and put the fires out!
(Well, that works too.)
Man: Snowe!! We'll never forgive the traitor who sold Razril out!!
Wow, torches without pitchforks? Some people have no sense of style.
Man: Don't let that bastard Snowe land!!
I love these guys.
Their superior, no so much.
Kooluk Soldier: Oh, Commander?!
Hurry up and quiet them down! If we let them get out of hand, they'll turn against us next!
Wait, you seem almost competent. Why are you with the Kooluk, again?
Kooluk Soldier: Y-Yes, sir... Right away!
"I'm surrounded by imbeciles."
Man: Snowe... You idiot! Both you and your father... you betrayed our country!
Woman: You have no idea how we've been treated! Your father fled long ago! Don't you dare set foot on Razril ever again!
All I did was accept Kooluk's deal! It was in our best interests! Really! Why am I being blamed for it?!
Much as I hate to admit it, I kind of have to side with Snowe here. It probably would have been worse if they hadn't surrendered, and it's not as if they could have won if they tried to fight, anyway. Basically, imagine the negotiations going something like this.
"Wait, did you say you are in charge of Razril?"
"Hahahahahahacoughhahawheezehaha okay kid look just surrender quietly and we won't horribly kill everyone in the city."
The villagers, however, are of a different opinion. Snowe decides he has had enough and crawls away.
Damn it! Why?! Why?! Why?!
Come about... Get us out to sea...
You're not going anywhere, Mr. Anti Pirate Task Force.
So we tie him up and drag him on board. (All of this happens off screen.)
What, anything? Really?! Oh boy!
ORF WIT' 'IS 'EAD!
We were so happy then... It's such a distant memory now. How did I end up here?
Tell me, Lazlo...
Oh, I think we both know it's because you suck.