The Let's Play Archive

The Bard's Tale

by Stabbey_the_Clown

Part 5: Chapter 1 - 04a

Very large portions of this update are partly or entirely fictional and do not reflect actual gameplay.

Chapter 1 - 04a

The Bard sat on a stump in Fairyhaunt woods. "Where am I going to get the money to buy those weapons?" he pondered aloud. He shifted his weight and frowned when the stump gave a sound of protest, almost like hinges squeaking. The Bard got up and spotted a thin line running around the upper part of the stump, then attempted to lift it.

The top of the stump opened easily. The Bard grinned. "Well, that's one way."

The stump was hollow, and inside were dozens of silver coins.

Writing on the inside of the lid proclaimed that the stump was a "Ye Olde Hide-a-Purse", manufactured by the Dounby Chest Company, Dounby.

"I'll have to keep an eye out for these things", said the Bard, even knowing that he still had nowhere near the amount to purchase the weapon he had his eyes on.

The Bard sought out the hunter Roy in Fairyhaunt woods.

"So, uh, you said you pay for Wolf pelts," the Bard asked.
"Aye, that I do," said Roy, "But from the look of you, you dinnae know how to skin a beastie."

The Bard sighed in exasperation. "Well can you teach me, or do I have to find something else to practice my skinning technique on?"
"Well, I'm not just going to give away trade secrets to just anyone, ye understand," said Roy, "but if ye prove your worth as a hunter by bringin' me a grouse you caught yerself, I'll teach you."
"Is that all, then? No hoards of wild boars to fight? No mountain to scale? Just bring you a single bird? Piece of bread," the Bard confidently stated.

I think we all know what's coming.

The Bard returned to the Houton weapons shop and spent the majority of his silver on a simple bow and quiver of arrows.

Seamus: Excellent choice my friend, for the longbow is often the key to a long life. Use it in good health.

Then the Bard discovered that he actually knew very little about the difficulties involved in making bread.

After an hour in the brush, the fearless hunter had nothing more to show for it then several scrapes, and a bad case of poison ivy. With his head held high, our victorious champion returned to Roy.
: Yeah yeah, I get it. You don't have to rub it in.

: Alright I admit it, I'm terrible at this. I hear rustling in the bush, and the bloody thing is off like a shot before I can get a bead on it! Can you please give me some advice on how to catch one of those things?
Roy: Well, I suppose you could see about getting a dog.
: A dog?
Roy: Yes. The dog can circle around from behind and flush the grouse in your direction. Then all ye have to do is hit it with an arrow.

The Bard sulked his way back to town, grumbling all the way. "A dog, where am I going to find a -"

There, by the Houton well, was a small dog. It didn't seem well cared for, as if meals had been hard to come by.

Let's be mean to a puppy

Let's be Nice to a puppy

Unusually, the Bard actually showed some small bit of kindness to the dog.

"I think I'll call you Bitey," the Bard said.

With his new companion... 'Bitey' - Really? Is that really what you're going to call him?
: No, I could call him c&$@%*@%#&@r Mc#^*@head, if you prefer.

With his new companion Bitey in tow, the Bard once again set out to hunt grouse, once again with fairly predictable...

What, he actually managed to hit one? Will miracles never cease! Bitey faithfully retrieved the bird and brought it to his master. "Good dog, Bitey!" said the Bard.

Once again, the Bard went to see Roy.

Roy: You finally caught a grouse, I see. Well, if you enjoy the hunt I see you should stop by my hunting shack sometime. I own some land that's ripe with game. Feel free to come by any time. I'll give yer directions.

"Oh, and ye can keep the bird. It was ye who caught it, after all," Roy said.

Roy then, at last gave the Bard lessons on how to properly skin animals over a campfire and lunch of roast grouse. "Soon the money will be pouring in", the Bard thought. "Kill a dozen wolves or so and I'll have the cash I need.

So the brave hunter set out to catch some wolves.

And the Bard returned to Roy laden down with pelts. "OK, at 4 silver a hide..." Roy said
"4 SILVER? Just four bloody silver a hide?" the Bard screamed petulantly! "I've got something I need to get done by sundown, and I'll need a hell of a lot more silver then that. 'lots of money to be made in huntin,' my freaking arse there is!!"
"You never said you wanted to make it all today, Bard," Roy said, "Hunting's the best honest work in these parts."

And then the Bard got a glimmer of an idea. "Honest work... I don't see any good reason to up and limit myself..."

So our hero did what seemed to come naturally to all famous heroes... he took whatever was not nailed down.

"You wait outside Bitey, and bark if anyone comes near, OK?" said the Bard.

But the 'good times' couldn't last forever.

After entering one shack, the Bard discovered that not only was someone home, but she reacted unusually.

She screamed and started running around in a blind panic. That's a perfectly understandable reaction for anyone who'd ever spent time around the Bard, but none of the other townspeople had reacted like that.

But the Bard soon discovered why.

"Not a bad likeness," the Bard remarked upon seeing his own face on a "Wanted" poster. "Do you mind if I keep this?" he said loudly to the screaming woman.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the woman.
"I'll just take that as a yes, then, shall I?"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the woman.

Home Invasion

The Bard decided that it might be a good idea to subtly check the see the sheriff's office, just to make sure there weren't any more wanted posters around.

Sheriff Rucky: So you're the fellow that's been chasin' through Houton with your rats an' lightnin' spiders, eh?

Vote for whether you want the Bard to be Snarky or Nice to the Sheriff. I'll post the other part of the update after 3-7 votes, or two hours, whichever comes first.


All Movies:

Let's be mean to a puppy

Let's be Nice to a puppy

Home Invasion