Part 16: Update XIV - You Both Did An Excellent Job, Now Shut The Fuck Up.Update XIV - You Both Did An Excellent Job, Now Shut The Fuck Up.
So, last time, Moose decided to stay behind in Gritty Reboot World so that the rest of our group can return to the normal world. Now, it seems like we're getting close to game time.
Oh no, it's 7:00 PM! The game is about to start! We have to hurry!
Very close, in fact!
Aw man, Moose was right. You can totally get onto me just like he used to.
Don't say #negative things like "used to", unless you want to be featured on the #RuinMyDayIn2Words #hashtag.
We can worry about finding a way to get him back once we get Bobson to the stadium. Let's go!
Hold on, looks like I have... Thirty-five messages on my phone.
That's not surprising. You were supposed to be at the stadium hours ago.
I do apologize for the inconvenience, but let us not forget that without my applied ontology, Bobson would not be the closer and thus even more late.
Let's #GivePraiseWherePraiseIsDue, I was the one who did the #DirtyWork, you merely gave me the tools.
You both did an excellent job, now shut the fuck up because we need to make sure that we don't get to the park any later.
It's... It's actually not a big deal. The game has been postponed until tomorrow afternoon.
Wow! Really? What luck!
♪ BGM: Terminate ♫
What is this lout doing here? He has already tormented me enough.
No, no I'm not. I'm just his body double.
♪ BGM: Silence ♫
Oh thank god.
Wait, Carlos Rodriguez has a BODY DOUBLE?
He is a very important man.
A baseball player is important enough to have a body double, like some tinpot dictator? Though perhaps that is merely the state of New Capitalism, we should be glad that such corporeal luxury is manifest in ball players... rather than in in the CEOs and politicians who might be justly targeted by a populist revolution.
No, seriously, why does Carlos Rodriguez need a body double?
Why would I ever ask that question? This is my livelihood. If I go to Carlos and ask him why he needs a body double when no one is interested in killing baseball players, he may realize that I'm not needed. And, let's face it, this is a pretty sweet gig.
So, why did The Machine send his body double here? Is this just another way to taunt me?
He wishes to extend an invitation. With the game postponed, he is hosting a World Series party in his midwestern mansion.
Oh, come on, there are no mansions in the midwest.
I do not believe that the #demographics support your assertion, Bobson.
That's not nearly the strangest thing going on here.
Yeah, why is The Machine inviting me to a party?
I don't know. I'm just the body-double and occasional messenger.
And how the fuck are we supposed to get to a party in the midwest? ...wherever that is.
Now that I can answer: Carlos Rodriguez has granted you permission to use his airship.
Now you're saying that Carlos Rodriguez has a body double AND AN AIRSHIP?
Being the best player in baseball has its perks, I guess.
I should have learned to be a position player.
Here is your invitation. The Machine looks forward to your presence at his mansion.
You received [Invitation to Carlos Rodriguez's Party]!
Now for me to depart! I have many more invitations to deliver, and a charity appearance at a children's hospital.
And off he goes!
The Machine *would* send his body double to a children's hospital instead of going himself.
What a jerk! #DescribeTheMachineIn3Words
Well, so now we get to use an airship. But before that, let's check around and see what's poppin' at the bar.
Want to defend your trivia night crown?
What's the prize? Another book?
Tonight it's a first edition strategy guide for Final Fantasy VI.
Wasn't it a first edition of Gravity's Rainbow yesterday? That's what Moose said and this seems like a step down.
It has tips and tricks that were edited out in later versions, like how to resurrect--
It's a video game strategy guide. And it's probably in Japanese, right?
Listen, fine, it's a bad prize. We were expecting a baseball game on TV tonight so I had to improvise.
Do not be so dismissive, Kami. You are only here because I preached to Moose and Bobson about the philosophical value of Japanese Eroge. Perhaps these so-called "tips and tricks" have great value that we cannot know until they are in front of us.
Okay, so what do I have to do to enter?
$20, just like last time.
I still don't have $20...
Well, looks like the trick we pulled last time won't work this time, so instead we actually have to find 20 bucks. Truly, we are on a quest of epic proportions here.
On our way out, we find another person with soda problems. Let's give this guy our Sprite.
A Sprite! Now this I can drink without worrying about staying up all night. Here, have my Coca-Cola.
I'm sure this will actually have some sort of payoff.
Now, after leaving town, we actually find ourselves on a fucking airship.
Our comrades have appropriate comments on the subject matter.
You, uh, know how to fly this thing?
I'm a character from a Japanese video game, of course I know how to fly an airship.
Good enough for me.
So, shall we takeoff?
Alright, let's go!
♪ BGM: Closer's Theme ♫
So, we are now on the world map for the first time. The map is an *incredibly* crude approximation of the United States, with Canada and Mexico apparently having sunk into the ocean due to global warming, but Florida somehow having survived. Works for me.
Anyway, if we go to the stadium, we return to the locker room, where talking to the coach asks us if we're ready for Game Seven, which we are not even remotely, so let's skip that. Going to the building next to the stadium lets us return to the book shop and bar area or to Zizek's apartment. There are three more locations on the map, so let's take a look at them.
This is inadvisable in the same way that it is inadvisable to walk through a graveyard screaming obscenities about the dead. Yes, most likely nothing bad will happen... But do you really want to risk it?
Okay, you're right. Florida was a bad idea.
Next, we have a forest on the west coast.
♪ BGM: Moose ♫
Inside, we find a sign that tells us that this is Dinosaur Forest, and that's it. Mysterious.
♪ BGM: Closer's Theme ♫
Finally, we have The Machine's mansion, situated close to what I believe is supposed to be the Mississippi River. However, that is not where we are going.
Our destination right now is Zizek's apartment.
♪ BGM: City Theme ♫
Here, we're going to... wait. That wasn't there before.
Whoa, hang on a second.
♪ BGM: Like I Would Become A Monster ♫
I'm saying that you didn't think about what results your actions would have, and as a result, you're now bullshitting up something to fix your fuckups.
Oh, horseshit. I'm not going to have some random ass event tell me I'm LPing wrong. Especially not if the event is my own creation.
Uh, are you hearing those voices too?
I know a lot about #ghosting, but this I did not expect. #IHearVoicesInMyHead
So, uh, Zizek? Any ideas?
It appears that I am not the only practicioner of Applied Ontology in this room... even if we cannot see the other one.
Wait, what does that mean?
Do not continue any thoughts you might be having! As much as it pains me to suggest to not think, I believe the fabric of reality is far thinner than it should be. Imagine yourself holding a hotdog. Consider how terrible it is that Capitalism has turned such a simple meal into a luxury item at baseball games and so on and so on. Block everything else out.
Look, if you give me any more shit, I'll head back into that editor and delete your ass.
I'll give you all the shit I want. I know damn well I'm here for a reason, and if you wanted to delete me, you never would've written me in the first place. You fucked up, and now you're trying to crowbar in a fix in the most hamfisted way possible while writing it all off as a "bit". Now, do you want me to fix your fuckup or not?
Why didn't you just say so in the first place? Wait, don't answer that, I already know. It's because you couldn't do this dumb bit if you did it like that. But fine, I'll fix your mess.
Control Switches: [0041: DuganLives] = ON
Control Variables: [0004: Moose] -=1
Control Variables: [0014: RealKami] +=1
Control Variables: [0006: Zizek] +=1
♪ BGM: City Theme ♫
Never mention this event to anybody. Forget entirely that it happened.
WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?
Alright, alright! Christ...
So, why did we just alter history? Well, turns out that doing so will allow us more #content. In essence, there's some stuff that you just skip over if you kill Dugan. Where is that #content?
Wait, you really want to start it back up? Isn't that just going to be traumatizing to you?
I feel like I'm ready. And I want to know what my old teammates are up to.
Zizek, is this safe?
The desire to return from whence one came is undeniable; but it is also a perverted joke. Nevertheless, one cannot deny that we must allow ourselves the punch line that our drive brings us towards and our sense pushes us away from, and so on.
That didn't answer my question.
Well, the good news is that Zizek is back to normal.
C'mon, Bobson, let's take a look.
♪ BGM: Their Own League ♫
And thus, we're back in the game. I mean, the other game.
Wait, but we didn't delete him... Why would he have disappeared?
Ai had taken over as player/manager of the Rockford Peaches. Dugan's presence wasn't missed nearly as much as Kaminari, who had also vanished around the same time.
Awww, they miss me! Though that shouldn't be a surprise, I imagine that the lineup without my bat is a fucking nightmare.
Can't we...um...just have a little time to relax?
You know who isn't relaxing? The South Bend Blue Sox! And they didn't lose their best hitter to a bunch of weirdos who dropped in from the sky.
Hey, wait a minute! Who is a weirdo here?
I have bad news for you, Bobson.
YOU ARE A FUCKING ABERRATION OF HUMAN NATURE AND SHOULD BE GROUND INTO A FINE PASTE BY TERRIBLE MACHINERY. #STICKBOBSONINMEATGRINDER
Oh, oh my, it seems that I was once again unable to control the #trolls. I assure you that I do not really want to stick you in a meat grinder. #Honesty
Well, I guess I... I guess I'll keep working on my changeup then.
This choice doesn't do anything, really.
You should try a new pitch, like a curveball.
Oh! That seems like...um...a big deal. Thanks for believing that I can get even better!
Your affinity with Mitsuki went up by one point!
Wait, so now Ai is the main character of the game and we're making her choices for her? I'm new at this whole "being critical" thing, but is this really much better? I mean, now aren't we just overriding her character's intentions with our own?
She is a fictional character, and thus cannot possess intention. She can only act with the intention of the writers who created her.
Uh, ahem, sitting right here.
You are different. You were created with magic and applied ontology and so on and so on.
You barely even tried to walk back your statement there, Zizek.
Perhaps effort is, by itself, lazy. Trying your hardest is the easiest way to avoid criticism, so perhaps we should not praise effort so loftily.
Let's get back to the game before I start getting confused again.
♪ BGM: Changeup Artist ♫
Did you misplace the bats again? I told you that we have a budget and we can't just keep buying new bats.
No, much worse! I can't find Risa. She's gone missing.
Oh no, we didn't accidentally bring the one who looks disturbingly underage into our world, too... Did we?
No, I think I would have remembered that.
Just because she disappeared like me doesn't mean that she has been brought into our world like me. This could just be the new story.
When was the last time you saw her?
Yesterday at practice. She never showed up this morning at the park.
Well, she's probably here somewhere... I don't know if you've noticed, but there isn't exactly anywhere else to go.
Let's check the field.
What did I tell you? Totally missing!
How is that possible? Is there someone meddling in our world again?
Let's not panic. I'll go check the bedrooms. Maybe she overslept.
Okay, now this is concerning...
They appear to have grasped that our actions have changed their world. Previously, I had believed that only Kami and Dugan had such an understanding.
No, I'm worried about Risa.
We should go into the #game to find her! #TwitterIdeas
Wait, are you suggesting we use applied ontology to return to the game world? Didn't that almost go horribly wrong last time?
Yes, but I didn't get to participate. #LetTwitterPlay
I could return us to the game world, if you wish, Kami.
This is the #content we'd be missing. If Dugan was deleted, Risa would just turn up again and nothing much else would happen. But since we now didn't delete Dugan, his disapperance is far more disconcerting, so the idea of entering the game again comes up. So, let's jump in!
Thanks, Bobson. I really appreciate it.
Yes! @twitter finally gets to see the inside of a video game! #TwitterDreams
Okay, Zizek. Do your magic!
♪ BGM: How Things Are ♫
And we're back!
She probably never even comes in here. I bet she prefers to stay on the field and in the locker room with the players.
Looks like Risa headed to the bedrooms just like Haruka thought. Something about problems the rest of the team was having with... ...oh god, it's Dugan again.
WHAT? But he said he was going to reform! We need to stop him! Let's go!
Well, we already have our destination, but before that, let's have a little chat.
And what is that...um...strange blue thing walking around with you?
I'm @twitter! I'm a #SocialMedia platform for connecting with your #friends and keeping up with your favorite #brands.
I don't know what any of that means.
WELL YOU ARE A BITCH WHO HAS NO TASTE AND SHOULD BE DELETED FROM THIS AWFUL GAME BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO IMPROVE IT. #DELETEMITSUKI
Ahhh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Oh dear oh dear oh dear... I didn't mean any of that. That was just the #trolls that happen to inhabit the #WorldWideWeb
I'm-- I'm scared!
Oh, snap out of it, Mitsu! He's a floating blue blob that kinda looks like a bird, only at some angles. He can't hurt you. You're totally stronger than him.
That's right! I can strike him out!
Sorry to barge in on you like this, Mitsu, but we want to help you find Risa. We're worried her disappearance might have something to do with our meddling in this world.
Hm, I haven't seen her around... Check in coach's office, maybe.
We've already done that. Now, on to the bedrooms.
♪ BGM: Dugan ♫
Note that Dugan didn't use magic or anything. I think he actually just hid in the closet to jump out at us.
Dugan! You again!
I knew you wouldn't be able to resist coming back into the game if Risa went missing! What fools you all are, meddling in our affairs once again! You just couldn't resist it, could you? You had to try and set things "right" once more? Well, I'll make you regret that decision.
I really doubt you'll make me regret anything, Dugan. You're still a drunk loser. But we can worry about that later. What did you do with Risa?
Risa? I didn't do anything with Risa. I just waited for her to wander off near the edge of the field and planted that note to lure you into my trap.
Wait, you didn't even #kidnap your victim? What a dumb plan. #CriticizeADumbPlanInFourWords
Well, it worked, didn't it? You're here! And now I can--
But there were all sorts of ways it could have gone wrong. What if Ai found Risa before we decided to jump in the game? What if we found her before we found the note? What if--
♪ BGM: Pink Hair ♫
What the hell?
Uh, well, it should at least be pointed out that @twitter is not a person. Or nice. He has trolls.
I WILL BREAK THIS DIGITAL WORLD DOWN INTO BYTES AND THEN I WILL EAT THEM LIKE THEY WERE BITES. #BYTES2BITES #BITETHEBYTES
Well, he still doesn't deserve to be trapped here!
Damn it, Risa! Even you are taking their side?
Of course I am! You're a monster!
Then I'll destroy you, too! I'll crush you like a bug! A BUG!
No, no I did not...
Well, he's gone. That's good, isn't it?
That depends on where he has gone to... What just happened looked suspiciously like applied ontology.
That, I suppose, is a mystery to solve in our world... As for you, Risa, I can't believe you tried to save us! I'm really fucking impressed!
It might surprise you, Kami, but I've grown up a lot since you left!
Jeez, we get it! You're 18! I know!
I've stopped throwing that in people's faces now, actually. I realized that it was a gross element of how I was created... and since Kami showed us all how to overcome all that, I found a way to change!
So did we just come here to be ambushed by Jimmy Dugan?
Correction: unsuccessfully ambushed!
We didn't come here for nothing, I got to see how well Risa has matured even though I'm not around.
Aw thanks, Kami! I'm also trying to strip the sexual innuendo from my daily language!
Oh thank god! I was worried you were going somewhere else when you said "strip."
That's your fault, not mine.
I guess we'll be headed back, then. Good luck, Risa.
Good luck to you, too! I hear you've got a big game coming up!
Let's do it!
♪ BGM: Kaminari ♫
And that'll be it for this update. Next time, we'll check out The Machine's mansion, though not for the purpose of advancing the plot, but rather to do some sidequesting, as it were.