The Let's Play Archive

The Closer: Game of the Year Edition

by TheMcD

Part 17: Update XV - I Am LOLing And SMDHing At The Same Time.

Update XV - I Am LOLing And SMDHing At The Same Time.

♪ BGM: Closer's Theme

Alright, we've run out of things to do that don't involve visiting The Machine's mansion, so let's do that.

♪ BGM: Beethoven's Seventh

This is how baseball players live in your world?
Not all baseball players...
Your trolls might be onto something this time, @twitter.
No, I believe they are still just #trolls.
Who are you? What's with the New York uniform? What the hell are you doing here?
We actually have an invitation from Carlos Rodriguez.

Used [Invitation to Carlos Rodriguez's Party]!

Ah, well in that case, come in! You must be Bobson!
Do you know why The Machine invited me here?
You can ask him that yourself, Bobson. He is inside.

I suppose we'll loiter a bit, while we're here.

Sounds intriguing!

Very intriguing, indeed.

Well, that was riveting. Let's head inside.

He's not going to come out and kneecap you in public, what are you afraid of?
If he doesn't have a nefarious plan to destroy me, why did he invite me to a party the night before game seven?
Maybe he's #Overconfident.
We know that much is true.
Perhaps he seeks a psychological advantage over you by presenting you with a confusing and bizarre invitation.
I think it worked!
Perhaps we should attempt to reverse his plan, by gaining a physical advantage with the access we now have to his home.
So you want to hide in a dark room and beat him up before he turns on the light? Just forgo all the pitching and debating and whatever else and finally use our fists to settle this once and for all.
I am suggesting no such thing! A victory achieved in that manner would likely be, in actuality, a victory for Carlos Rodriguez. That is to say: violence debases the perpetrator to the same level it injures the target. Since Rodriguez has continuously assaulted your spirit rather than your body, he could claim said debasement as the fruits of his own effort.
Okay, you lost me.
Let's not fight Rodriguez with our fists, but with our minds. We must undermine his conquest over you yesterday night by attacking his mind.
And how do we do that?
You have developed your arsenal of pitches since last night, but your slider is still what Moose would call a "meatball." We can fix that.
We reclaim it--quite literally. We find and take the home run ball.
Then I'll be able to throw my slider again?
I believe that by reclaiming the ball, you will reclaim the confidence that you need to throw it.
And now that you've got another offspeed pitch, it won’t be as easy to see coming!
Well, if you two think it's a good idea...
What about @twitter? Doesn't my opinion count? #MakeTwitterCount
You are a social media platform, so by your very nature you must approve of all theft done which mimics creation.
I suppose you are right. #MakeTwitterHumble

I suppose that's a plan. I don't quite understand it myself, but hey, Zizek said it, it must be right.

Hm, mysterious.

I think we can provide!

Thanks! You must have grabbed the last one!
Don't I get something in return?
No, why would you?
Well, I suppose that's the last soda we'll trade...

...well played, I suppose.

You want me to steal a baseball bat? From The Machine?
My kid would really love it.
Why would you assume that I would be willing to steal something? Is it because I'm-—
No! Oh, god no, nothing like that. It's because you look like--
I look like what, exactly?
Like a... uh... main character. You know, somone who does a lot of favors for small rewards along the way to completing some larger mission.
I guess that has turned out to be the case.
Excellent! So you'll do it?
Eh... Let me think about it.

We'll be doing this soon.

Really? You don't recognize me?
You seem to be dressed in some kind of jumpsuit. Carlos wears one, too. Do you two work together?
In a manner of speaking but... How does someone who knows The Machine not know about baseball?
Oh, I have far more important concerns than sports.
But you're at a party hosted by one of the most famous baseball players in the country!
Oh, I assure you that Carlos has other concerns.
This party is very weird.

Very mysterious.

Now, let's get ourselves a baseball bat.

But we really want to go beyond this point!
That's... That's completely irrelevant.
You're a baseball player, right? How about this? If I can strike you out, you'll let us pass.
You sure about this?

Yeah, sure. After saving, that is.

♪ BGM: The Entrance

Nothing special here. Fastball for a strike, changeup for a ball, fastball for a ball, batter is looking for fastball, changeup for a strike, knuckle-curve for a strike, 2-3 strikeout.

♪ BGM: Beethoven's Seventh

Well, I guess I'll take my break now... Would be a shame if someone sneaked past this door.

And there we go.

Here we are on the second floor. So, who wants another stealth section? Nobody? Well, tough shit, we're getting another one.

I get caught a couple times, but thankfully, you just get thrown out of the room, so you're back quick.

After like four or five tries, we finally get the baseball bat.

However, since we exit from the other side, we also have to beat this baseball guard. Knuckle-curve strike, changeup ball, fastball ball, batter is looking for fastball, changeup strike, batter is looking for changeup, curveball strike for a 2-3 strikeout.

You handed over the [baseball bat]. The guest gave you $20.

And now that we have 20 bucks...

♪ BGM: City Theme

...trivia time!

♪ BGM: Transcend

Fun fact: This line has a "\" in it before the missing word "useful". I assume that's why RPG Maker just ate it, since "\" is the beginning of in-text commands like "have a small pause before printing the next character" and that kind of guff.

Don't worry, we've got a philosopher and a social media platform here, too. I'm sure between the four of us we can come up with the answers.

Time for the quiz. I'll go through all of the wrong answers first this time before ending with the right one. No points for guessing the right one, by the way.

That's easy. White men.
Yeah, Bobson! #WhitePeopleBeLike can someone lift me up so I can see the rim?
Hahaha, they really can't play basketball.
Are you trying to win this competition or what?
Of course I am! Listen, Kami, you don't know this but in our world they made a whole documentary about how white men can't jump.
To be fair to Kaminari, I do not believe that film was actually a documentary. Though, in truth, all films document actual happenings. It is just that in fictional films, the happenings which are being documented are the performances of actors. But is that any different from real life?
I think I'll just answer this question.


Really, Bobson?
You see those dogs? Short little legs. They aren't jumping anywhere.
It is true. These marvelous long dogs are so short that, like Western Civilization, they must trod upon others to rise.
I think I'll just answer this question.


Elephants. Definitely elephants.
Yeah, that's clearly the answer this question is looking for but it still doesn't sit quite right with me. But I guess we're here to win and not to be perfect in all things, so I'll go with it.
That is an excellent philosophy, Kaminari.

But the right answer is...

Fuck that.
Yeah, this is a terrible question. There are all sorts of mammals that can't jump.
Yeah, like dudes in wheelchairs and cats with broken legs.
That's not exactly what I meant but--
The context of this question clearly implies the answer should be elephants, but that merely robs other mammals, such as the sloth, of their agency.
Yeah, and what about a sloth in a wheelchair? That... That actually would be really cute.
Get me a picture of a sloth in a wheelchair and I can promise at least a hundred favs.
Well, I'm going to mark "elephants" but add a sternly worded disclaimer.
Ah, like so many other voters in the United States.

Wow, that is a line.

Kristen Bell, obviously. She's the only reason anyone saw that terrible film.
That sounds right, though what kind of question is this? It's so subjective...
There is nothing subjective about the appeal of Kristen Bell.
Actually everything is--
I will not hear it!


Josh Duhamel.
Really? I just can't imagine calling him the "star" of anything.
You've been in our world for only a day and you're already criticizing the career of a hard-working actor like Josh Duhamel?
I'll just handle this question.


Danny DeVito is the star of any movie in which he appears.
He is like a wonderful #troll, and not in the bad way like people are #trolls on the internet but in a funny way like they exist in legends.
He is a man who takes care of his own body in a way that I can only hope to emulate.
This really doesn't seem to be what the question is asking.
You just haven't seen enough Danny DeVito films to understand.
He wasn't in A League of Their Own, so I don't know anything about Danny DeVito.
Just write down his name. Trust me.
I'll just handle this one...

But the right answer is...

Fuck that.
This is the correct response, Bobson. There is nothing in that movie worth the term "star."
You watched "When In Rome?"
Even philosophers sometimes end up in hotel rooms, tired after a long flight with nothing to watch but whatever is on HBO. Though in retrospect, I should have just paid for some pornography.
Anyway, the answer is probably Kristen Bell but make sure you write a harshly-worded note to the proprietor.

They taste like chicken.
This seems like an unlikely answer, but it has sparked a curiosity in me that may lead me to do unspeakable things, so it is a revolutionary answer.
C'mon, Bobson, why would you even think that all marsupials taste like chicken?
I had a minor league teammate who went to Australia and brought back a bunch of kangaroo jerky. It tasted like chicken jerky.
Chicken jerky? This opens up all sorts of new questions like "have you ever had salmonella"?
Salmonella? No, I hate fish.
I... Uh... I'll answer this question.


Simple, marsupials have pouches.
Yeah, that's probably the answer we should pick, but I don't think it's right. What do you think, @twitter?
I know that #kangaroos would have been trending during the 1980s, thanks to the hard work of Paul Hogan and Mel Gibson to bring the #Outback to the USA. And think of all the hilarious Crocodile Dundee #parody accounts that we missed out on. I am LOLing and SMDHing at the same time. If only I had been created 30 years earlier #ImproveTheWorldIn9Words
We'll just go with the pouch answer.


Oh! I know this! They have gills.
While I always appreciate the act of wrongfulness as an interrogation of truth, I do believe that it is not a useful process during a trivia night.
What are you saying?
Gills? GILLS? GILLS?!?!?
Just... Just move on. You can handle this question.

But the right answer is...

Fuck that.
I know! I've been living in a video game set in the 1940s and I know there are marsupials without pouches. For example, some species of opossum.
How, exactly, *do* you know that?
Let's not get into such scary subjects... What's the answer to the trivia question?
None of them are right, and I'm starting to see a pattern.
Moose said the same thing about the first set of questions. I wish he was here, he'd know what to do.
I'm selecting "pouch" but this is getting harder to take seriously with each question.
Do what I'm doing and take notes for the next time hashtag #BadTriviaNights is trending.

And now, the final question.

That's Salem's Lot, right?
I have crowdsourced the #facts and I am not so sure about this answer, Bobson.
It's the original vampire novel.
Wow, even I know that is absolutely wrong.
Are you telling me vampires existed before Salem's Lot?
I think I'll handle this question...


Carrie. Anyone knows that.
I do believe that this is the answer we are intended to give, but...
What's the problem?
All these questions are real bad.
Moose said the same thing about the last set of questions...


How Blue Can You Get, clearly.
That's not Stephen King, that's B.B. King.
This is just #embarrassing.
Seriously, guys, is this some kind of trick? Who the hell is B.B. King? How about you handle this one?

But the right answer is...

Fuck that.
Exactly! Everyone knows that the actual first novel written by Stephen King was "The Long Walk", under his pseudonym "Richard Bachman".
Not *everyone* knows that.
I know how to solve this! Let's get #StephenKingFirstBook trending!
I'll just put down "Carrie" because that is clearly the answer the question asks for...

♪ BGM: Spirits Among Us

For the second night in a row, Bobson! But where's your friend, Moose?
Guess that's a sore subject. Anyway, they win this first edition copy of the Final Fantasy VI strategy guide.
Great, that was totally worth the $20.

Bobson received a copy of [Japanese Final Fantasy VI Strategy Guide]!


What happened in 2009?
We had a back-to-back champion. What did I just say?
I dunno, I just thought there might be a story to it or something.

You're from a Japanese game, Kami. Can't you read it?
I'm from a *translated* Japanese game, so I'm just as lost as you.
I guess we'll need to find someone to translate this as well...
Are you sure that's a good use of our time?
Hey, now we have a whole new night to waste!
Someone must have translated the game I came from! Maybe it's worth checking out?

And we'll be cutting the update here. It's short, and nothing exciting happens, but the FFVI strategy guide sidequest takes up the remaining 20 minutes of my footage, and I don't want to bust the character limit again. So, next time, the story of how our heroes have to search for the translator of an obscure hentai game that probably goes by SlutterFan_69, WeedDemon420, xXx_DonMoneyShot_xXx, -!Dick!Pole!- or something like that.

TheMcD's Baseball Stuff posted:

Hey, did you know the Slutter is a real thing? See, here's the thing: There was this weird combination pitch, it was kinda like a slider, but also like a curveball, because it was gripped like a curveball, but thrown with the velocity of a slider. So it was called a Slurve. Well, then came a problem. Some pitchers started developing a pitch that was kinda between a slider and a cutter. And due to precedent set with the slurve, the slutter, the most wonderful pitch name, was born.