The Let's Play Archive

The Closer: Game of the Year Edition

by TheMcD

Part 20: Update XVIII - It Is Just Like Noam Chomsky Once Said: We Fucked Up.

Update XVIII - It Is Just Like Noam Chomsky Once Said: We Fucked Up.

♪ BGM: City Theme

Alright, back out of Dragon Quest world, our first point of order is setting our name right.

♪ BGM: Beethoven's Seventh

Next, we make our way back to The Machine's mansion, and here we see Moose loitering around. Let's talk to him.

Really? I heard it was a painting.
It was both.

TheMcD's Baseball Stuff posted:

OK, he's come up a few times, and I think this is the point where I really do have to talk about Alex Rodriguez.

A-Rod was one of the most prolific hitters of the 2000s, having played his first proper season with the Seattle Mariners in 1996 at the age of 20 and dominating until about 2008. In that run of 12 seasons, he missed the All-Star Game only once, failed to hit 30 home runs only once, and had an OPS+ lower than 130 only once. And he did all this while playing the majority of the games in that span at shortstop, one of the most difficult positions on the defensive spectrum.

However, turns out there was a little something behind that success. In 2007, Jose Canseco, former baseball player and steroid enthusiast, said that he was working on a sequel to his 2005 book about steroids in baseball (having been written from a position of authority) and that it would include dirt on A-Rod. At the time, A-Rod denied allegations he used steroids, but it turned out he was lying, with reports of him having used steroids in 2003 coming out in 2009, and he then admitted he used steroids from 2001 to 2003. And that wasn't the only time A-Rod got busted - he was also involved in the Biogenesis Scandal, in which now defunct rejuvenation clinic Biogenesis of America was proven to have provided PEDs to MLB players, including A-Rod. As such, all of his performances now have that asterisk next to them, and it might hurt him in his Hall of Fame election chances like it has Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds.

Now, the centaur story. This is actually based on a "true" story. An ex of his said that A-Rod actually had two paintings of him as a centaur, one in an undisclosed location and one hung above his bed. A-Rod denies this, but hey, he also denied using steroids. To me, this story sounds too stupid to not be true.

Weird, this is all very suspicious.

Well, I guess we'll take this opportunity to steal something else.

Returning to the upper area, there is something further to find after sneaking past some more guards.

It's the home run ball we were looking for!

Oh no!

We probably should have expected that when we walked through the doorway surrounded by bars.

♪ BGM: Terminate

And now the Machine caught us!
It is just like Noam Chomsky once said: we fucked up.
Wait, so Carlos Rodriguez handles his own security?
No, he doesn't. I'm just a hologram created in his image.

♪ BGM: Beethoven's Seventh

Oh, well I guess things didn't just go from bad to worse, they just stayed bad.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of the gag of *Machine's theme plays* - "Oh no, it's the Machine!" - "No, I'm not, I just look like him." - *Music abruptly cuts* - "Oh, OK then."

Wow, body doubles, airships, and holograms. Even The Machine has to be burning through his money at this rate.
The ultra-rich do not live in the same world as we do. It is as if they exist in the superior canon of Universal Soldier: Return, while we must scrap together an existence in the world of Universal Soldier 2. When the Universal Soldier program threatens, they are safe with Jean Claude Van Damme, while we must depend on Matt Battaglia.
Well, mister #Hologram, I guess you really *are* The Machine. #TwitterJokes
Ha ha, I have never heard that one before.
What, exactly, do you do here?
I stand here and taunt you until someone comes along and finds you trapped here.
This is bad, you guys. The Machine is going to find out we were trying to steal the home run ball.
Don't worry, this is a problem that @twitter can certainly solve.
Are you going to burst through the door like you did back in the bookstore?
No, while I am good at #RemovingObstacles I am primarily a social media platform. I will overwhelm the security system with #data and short it out. #TwitterPlans

So then we get to play another shooter. Spoiler alert: We can't destroy a single one of these enemies and lose horribly. Don't say you're surprised by this, because I will slap you for being a liar.

Hey! It finally happened! @twitter fought The Machine and failed just like the rest of us.
I thought things would go better for me but I was wrong #CommonMisconceptions
Huh, losing does not make my #trolls very happy.
What did you think was going to happen? Did you think you could hack a sophisticated security system with tweets?
I guess I'm just going to have to #ram the door like you suggested. Stand back! #WisePrecautions
W—What are you doing?
I think you're about to find out.

Man, you are gonna be in so much trouble when The Machine finds out you let us escape.
I'm a computer program. I don't get in trouble.
I dunno, you sound awfully defensive.

When we move on, we hear a bell ring.

I guess Carlos Rodriguez has opened up the main ballroom. Now we can find him--the real him--and ask him why we're here.
Solving any mystery is its own reward, especially if it is solved by a more pressing mystery.
There's #something you guys should know. When I was trying to hack the security system, I did some #DataMining.
Hack the system? You were sending a bunch of tweets that didn't do anything.
Quit being so negative,you're like reading the comments section on a website with otherwise good #content. #NeverReadTheComments
So, what was it you found?
There's something huge going on, and it may be bigger than the World Series.
Moose says there's nothing bigger than the World Series.
What about the end of the world?
Before or after the series is over?
After. Wait, why is that your question? #Priorities
Well, if the world ends after the World Series, there's never another World Series, so you get to be World Champions forever.
...but, there's no world to be the champion of.
Oh, c'mon "end of the world" is just, like, shorthand for the extermination of humanity or something. You can't end a world. Back me up on this, Zizek.
You pose an interesting question: What is a world? A world can be a planet or merely a state of mind. However, both can be ended.
My point is that *something* will probably exist, and that something will never play baseball, so I'll be World Champ forever.
But you'll be dead!
Yeah, but I was gonna be dead no matter what. I can't stop the world from ending.
I'm not so sure about that... From what I saw, I think that the Machine needs you for what he's planning. #Irony
I'd say that I don't believe it, but after everything else we've been through, I guess this just tops it off.
This is all the more reason to hurry downstairs and confront Carlos Rodriguez about our presence here.

Alright, let's go.

We have a bunch of people dancing in the ball room, and also, The Machine! Strap yourselves in, folks, it's time for The Machine to explain himself.

Why did you invite me here, Machine? You... You are him, right? Not a body double or a hologram or a swarm of nanomachines designed to--
Of course I am, Bobson! And as for why you are here, well, I thought you would have figured that out by now.
Hey! You're just being intentionally obtuse and throwing a mystery back in our faces to make us feel dumb!
Oh, am I?
Our history of interactions with this man indicate that he will just continue doing this, likely just to spite us.
You know what, Machine? I do know why I am here! Because you are playing mind games with us. But guess what? You're not the only one who can play mind games! I stole the home run ball you hit off me and I'm going to use it to regain my confidence in my slider!
I don't believe that telling #TheMachine about your plan is an effective part of a mind game. #JustSaying
Especially when you haven't even used the home run ball to get your slider back yet.
I have to *use* it?
It's an item in your inventory, of course you do.
I've never had to do that before! This is awfully late to start introducing new concepts like this.
Don't worry, Bobson! I want you to have the home run ball.
Oh no! He's turning around the mind game again! How do you do that? Every time! It's kind of amazing.
No mind games, my friend! Everything I've said to you, this whole time, has been absolutely sincere. We're in this together.
Oh god you're not just playing mind games, you're playing mind sports.
You don't believe that I'm telling the truth? When you went missing tonight, I was the one who had the game canceled so you wouldn't miss it.
No, the game was canceled because it is storming in New York.
Ah, see, as has continuously been the case, you are not seeing the bigger picture. You have no idea what you are part of.
I don't understand.
I believe that this mad man is claiming that he is capable of controlling the weather.
Zizek, my friend, you brought a living avatar of Twitter into the real world and you doubt that something as simple as the weather can be manipulated?
I am no one's friend, as the designation "friend" implies a mutual respect that, as a philosopher, offering would be unforgivable negligence.
Well, it is not I who control the weather but those who employ me.
And who would that be? The Illuminati?
Actually, yes. To fully explain, I first need to tell you a bit about the life, experiences, and goals of an 18th century Bavarian by the name of Adam Weishaupt.

This is one of those pictures that is just incredibly TheCloser.PNG.

However, this was just a cover for the true intentions of the Bavarian intellectuals and elites who comprised the Order. They sought to bring about an ancient prophecy that they believed would usher in a fundemental revolution of the nature of man.
That sounds like gibberish to me.
Like all mysteries, that is by design.
What does that even mean?
It means you haven't been paying attention.

Like I said: you haven't been paying attention. Now, come with me... After all, you are the guest of honor.

You might notice the answer to one of our previous mysteries staring you in the face right now.

Zizek, could you fill me in on what is happening?
This is all too weird for my blood.
Oh no. We're doomed.
Come on up here, Bobson!

Is that...

Jimmy Dugan?
He tried to trap you in a terrible video game and you still let him live. I thought it would be fitting to let him out for this final step in your journey.
What were you thinking? This man is a monster!
I'm telling you, Kami: Mind games.
Even you thought I deserved a second chance. What changed?
A second chance in the video game! Not in our world!

Well, if you're going to ask...

Fuck that. Why would I want Jimmy Dugan to cheer for me?
That's right! You tell him!
Just tell me what is going on, Machine. Who are these people? Why am I here? And what's all this about the end of an era?
Tomorrow night, Bobson and I will meet the destiny that has been charted for us since before the age of the steam engine.
Listen, I know the theme of the playoffs a few years ago was "written in the stars" but Moose told me that was poetic and not real.
This was the path set out for us by Adam Weishaupt and his brothers centuries ago, to meet on the field of battle and bring about a tide of change. Join me in celebrating our impending revolution! As is written in the sacred texts of the Diabolicals, "the man with the arm shall face the man with the club, and all the world shall finally know light."
That is an incredibly vague prophecy.
"The one's name shall be Rodriguez; the other shall be Bobson. And they shall face off in the seventh game of a sport not yet invented."
Okay, considerably less vague. Maybe we need to take this seriously.
If you'd taken baseball as seriously as you are taking this prophecy, we might not be here!
Oh, shut the fuck up, Dugan. Did you really prefer to live in a video game?
The way it was before these people showed up? YES!
You're disgusting.
This bit of prophecy is rather concerning though all prophecy is nonsense, even that which mentions our dear pitcher by name.
That is right! There can be no doubt! The day shall come tomorrow that we have all been waiting for! So please! Give Bobson the respect that he deserves!

And the crowd cheers as we are given control again.

What are you doing here, Dugan?
Nothing yet, just not being trapped in that video game is enough.
Who brought you out? Who is this other person capable of using applied ontology? Who among my peers is actually a stooge for the Illuminati?
I believe his name was Roberto Unger.
Of course it was! UNGER!!!!!
Don't worry, I'm not here for revenge. In this world, I can't even use magic.
Really? But Kami can--
Shh- Shut up, Bobson! I can't do anything. Completely powerless in this non-video game world.
I still hope that Carlos Rodriguez hits another home run off of you, though.
But I think that's going to cause the end of the world!
Eh, everything's gotta end sometime.

No, because it doesn't even matter who wins tomorrow. Whether I hit another HR off you or you strike me out, the prophecy is still fulfilled. Obviously, I'm sure I will crush another meatball out of the part...but even if I don't, the new era will begin unfettered.
So wait, you don't even care whether or not St. Louis wins?
What is most important is that we face each other at our strongest. Why do you think I am letting you keep the home run ball? And why do you think I've been helping you all along!
But if our showdown is going to end the world, then it's more important than ever that you win! Because you'll be champion forever!
Champion of what? In the enlightened age there will be nothing to be champion of.
You're no machine, you're a monster! Now I know I have to defeat you, even if you claim that it's "meaningless" who wins.
Go ahead and try. That is what we need, after all. Both of us giving our all, going all out to challenge each other.

This is some heavy shit. Let's see if our mentor has some words of wisdom.

Think of something? I'm going to strike that jerk out for trying to end the world.
That's... That's what he's counting on.

And then, let's talk to him again, but somewhere else, which means that he'll say something else than when we just talked to him five seconds ago because woot RPG Maker.

WeirdER, you mean.
Yeah, pretty much.

Alright, that'll be it for this update. We're officially done with all the side content we can do. Next time: Game Seven.