Part 30: The Crappy Little Hut Redemption
Feb 25, 2008
This is the diary of prisoner 73657. After an overly intricate and needlessly complicated game of cat and mouse spanning the entire first half of the movie, concluded with an incredibly dramatic and exciting high speed chase in a rowboat, my daring and heroic, but inevitably illegal deeds have finally caught up with me. I have been incarcerated for an undetermined amount of time on two counts of grand fruit larceny with no chance of parole. These pages will chronicle my experiences within these walls, and I hope one day that they will inspire many aspiring heroes to not give up the fight, to overcome fear, and to rise to the challenges they face and become true heroes.
Peed in the corner. Hut smells funny.
I've got to get out of here! Panic setting in!
I regret to inform you that this will be my final entry in these chronicles. I'm, uh, just so brave and manly that this claustrophobic nightmarish hell is just too constricting to my very nature. And thus, under these circumstances, I must do the only brave and honourable thing. If you are reading this, I hope these journals have been an inspiration to you, and please feed my fish. This is prisoner 73657, signing off.
I, uh... at the very last moment, remembered that I have this chronic skin condition. If I get plant-life on my neck I break out in a rash, so that's out...
Got a memo from the screws: "Stop refering to yourself as 'prisoner 73657', we didn't assign you a number and you're confusing some of the slower guards."
Those bastards are overflowing my in-tray with their whining. They didn't even give me a cool sounding number identity, this prison sucks.
How ironic, I managed to locate the legendary banana picker i'd been searching for all along. It reminded me of my past and why I was here, it ate away at my very soul.
I took it with me. Why? I don't know. Maybe as a reminder of my heroic duty, to remind me to not give up.
Maybe because it's neat.
I made a friend today!
His name is Squinky!
Say hello Squinky!
We put on a production of Hamlet for some of the guards today! We all agreed that Squinky was fabulous!
We like to stare off into the sunset at night, talking for hours, i've never met anyone like him before.
Squinky and I are not on speaking terms. He said some very hurtful things about my... I don't want to talk about it.
I could never stay mad at him. He only did it because he loves me.
Made an amazing discovery today, there is a loose board in the floor of the cell.
With some persuasion, some jiggling, some strained pulling, some crying, then a little more jiggling I managed to pry it loose.
This hole gives me a new hope. I promised Squinky that once we got out that i'd quit the business, that we would run away together, take to our boat and sail the world... Tomorrow will be a big day.
Well, it took a long week of grueling discussion, argument, and absolutely nobody got thrown against a wall... but we have managed to fine tune our plan down to perfection:
Phase 1 is fairly simple:
First of all we will use the ink to disguise Squinky as a black person, he will then go undercover and infiltrate the inner circle of the cannibals, gain their trust, and learn the shift patterns of the guards so we'll know when we can dig undetected. This may take some time.
Now bear with me for Phase 2, it gets a little complicated here:
After digging, we will need to dispose of the excess dirt so's not to raise suspicion. We will use the lens and the sun to start a fire with the note, to very slowly melt the cannonball. Then use this to weld together pieces of eight and the compass to create a pulley. Then use the staple remover to cut down just the right amount of vines. I will then use these to create an overly complicated rope and pulley system far away from the hut where we can dump the dirt un-noticed.
We begin phase 1 tonight.
Uh, that whole, infiltration ropes and pulleys thing didn't really pan out... I'm just digging whenever it's quiet and eating the dirt. Shame, that's the closest i'll come to finding a use for this fucking staple remover.
Progress is slow, but we're getting close, I can feel it.
We did it! We're through! Hopefully this will be the final entry of this journal. Phase Three is go, it is time for us to enter the hole, to freedom, to redemption. All we need now is each other and our banana picker.
You've gotta be shitting me.
Wait... I also ate 6 months of dirt and not one guard ever checked the room. God dammit.
But none of that matters now!
We're almost there!
We made it Squinky! We made it! We're finally free, we can finally be... Wait... I...
I've been talking to a skull this whole time. Haven't I.