The Let's Play Archive

X-COM: UFO Defense

by GuavaMoment



*Monitoring Hangar Two*

Heinrich von Paxicon: Excuse me, is this Hangar One? I'm supposed to be at a funeral, but I'm new here. I'm lost a bit.

Concordat: Hey, it's OK, we all got lost in here the first couple days. All the corridors are the same. This is Hangar Two, where I keep my Interceptor.

Michael Thane: Mine's over in the other hangar that way. You want the hangar *this* way.

Heinrich von Paxicon: Oh man, you guys are the Interceptor pilots! You two are heroes!

Michael Thane: Naw, man, it's not like that. We get to be protected in our ships, blasting aliens from a distance. You soldiers are the real heroes.

Heinrich von Paxicon: I haven't actually been on a mission yet. I've heard bad things about rookies dying...

Concordat: Well, we're not going to lie, it is dangerous. But history will show it was people like you who helped us win the war. Michael and I, when it comes down to it, we don't think we'd have the balls to charge into a UFO. We should be the ones to envy you, not the other way around.

Michael Thane: Let me show you where the Hangar is. Go that way, past the radar then-

*Monitoring Hyperwave Decoder *

Waddle Dee: No, I don't-


Waddle Dee: I can't understand-


Waddle Dee: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY. Oh, where the hell's Dr. Markus?


*Monitoring Alien Containment*

Dr. Markus: -in the holding cell isn't cooperating, but this one seems helpful and understanding.

Director Ulysses: So they do have a verbal language then?

Dr. Markus: Oh yes, the Floaters are quite intelligent.

Director Ulysses: So how do we go about translating if Allen can't read their minds?

Dr. Markus: We start with what we have in common. I got this one to fill out a blank periodic table, then we did simple math equations. Did you know this Floater has pi memorized to 20 decimal places? In base six, but still quite-

Director Ulysses: Have we learned anything useful though?

Dr. Markus: Oh yes! Based on his drawings we think the weapon ranges of all their ships are as limited as it is on the scout ships. Right now I'm teaching him a drafting program, and it looks like he's drawing the plans for some kind of base. I think the ship he was on was tasked with scouting the location of a potential, on-Earth, alien base.

Director Ulysses: Is verbal communication a possibility?

Dr. Markus: With a little more time, I think we can come up with a rudimentary-


Dr. Markus: Sorry, got to go.

Director Ulysses: Okay, I should be at the monitoring room too. Put your report on my desk as soon as-

*Monitoring Workshop*

Arujei: Careful with the crotch!

Engineer: Sorry, but I need to get exact measurements! You don't want your armor to chafe, right?

Arujei: No, I guess not. Sorry, I'm just a little antsy to get my armor. Everyone else has it already.

Engineer: Okay, all the measurements done, just one more important question to ask.

Arujei: Shoot.

Engineer: Do you dress to right or the left?

Arujei: Excuse me?

Engineer: You know what I mean.

Arujei: No, sorry, I d-

*Monitoring Laboratory Two*

Dr. Takakumi: -connect pins three, five and fourteen, and that should reset the crystal! Now if that worked, I then I should be able to press this...

Dr. Takakumi: Oh, whoops! Oh my. Drat. I needed that computer. Although...I think I did it! I figured out how to use the heavy plasma! Oh, I can't wait to show-

*Monitoring Hyperwave Decoder*

Waddle Dee: Thanks for coming, now can you please tell me why Allen dragged me over here?

Dr. Markus: Sure, no problem. I am attempting to inform you of the insight I had into your remote operations. I believe a modification to your transmitter and receivers to hyperwave frequencies will improve efficiency and reaction time. I may be able to design a complete replacement tank based on our technologies.

Waddle Dee: Oh really? That would be sweet! A new tank would really help against some of the larger threats we've come across. Thanks a-

*Monitoring Hangar One*

Terashell: We are gathered here to honor the memory of one Crunch...uh..."Buttsteak". This funeral will be held in the traditional X-COM fashion. First, we're all going to speak of Crunch, and what he meant to us. Let me get my note. Ah there. "We're here to honor the memory of Crunch Buttsteak, son of Moonshadow and Beef Buttsteak, hippies of the highest caliber. He was a *snrk* crack shot with the rifle, but was the unfortunate victim of stray plasma...He will be missed and *snicker*" Seriously, they expect me to read this? You pull me out of my bunk at 6am, while I am still drunk, to give a eulogy to a rookie who couldn't hit the broad side of barn? Fuck this, I'm going back to my rack. Your guys' turn now.




Terashell: Anyone? Anything at all?

Loden Taylor: Which one was he again?

The Deadly Hume: The one who got killed inside that Sectoid ship.

Roar: No, that was...damn, what was that guy's name?


Terashell: No one has ANYTHING to say about Crunch?



Gruff McGuffin: I found a copy of 'Jubblies' magazine under his pillow.

Terashell: Thank you rookie-

Gruff McGuffin: Squaddie.

Terashell: Rookie. Now then. If no one has anything else to say.

Terashell: Goodbye Crunch, better you than me.

Terashell: May you rest in peace.



Terashell: The traditional X-COM funeral. What's the big deal?

X-Future: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? You''re a monster! Why didn't we send his body back home?

Terashell: Security. He has a gaping plasma wound in his chest, we can't exactly explain that as a typical UN operation in Yugoslavia. X-COM is a secret, remember.

X-Future: B-b-but the world knows there's something going on. They got those pictures of us in Tokyo and Buenos Aires.


Terashell: Ah, saved by the siren. Go get me my armor Rookie, It's the purple set with Bad Ass Motherfucker engraved on it.

X-Future: Engraved on the ass plate..

Terashell: What was that?

X-Future: Nothing Sir! I'll go get your-

*Monitoring Large Radar Room*

Director Ulysses: Oh my God...

Director Ulysses: Launch both Interceptors, I want both of you guys to take this one down. I'm taking no chances here.

*Monitoring Storage Closet Beta-Nine*

Terashell: Sorry girl, but I have to lead our troops into battle soon. I'll just close this door here...

Dr. Takakumi: Please come back safe! I don't want to lose you! I mean...technically I can order you to stay...

Terashell: Look Lily, you knew this was going to happen when you met me. Quite frankly dear, I don't give a damn that you outrank me. You see babe, tomorrow I could be out at a UFO and come back in a body bag or have my junk seared off by a plasma bolt. That's why we have to enjoy ourselves while we can. It's my job to lead the rookies into hostile situations. It's my job to plow into the UFOs headfirst and clear the way for my men behind me. Bad things happen. Each mission could be my last.

Dr. Takakumi: Oh, Dominic, you're so brave! Promise me you'll come back. I need you to promise me!

Terashell: Lily, I promise I'll come back. I'll even bring you a present.

Dr. Takakumi: Really?

Terashell: Well I could give it to you now, I think there's time. The Skyranger won't leave until the UFO is shot down, which should be...about half an hour?

Dr. Takakumi: Dominic...*giggle*

*Monitoring Large Radar Room*

Director Ulysses: You two in position?

Concordat: Thane's on my three. Jesus, this one is huge!

Director Ulysses: Go all in, fire everything. We have intel that the weaponry on this ship is comparable to that on the scouts.

Michael Thane: WHOA! Giant green beam just hit me! I'm not even in Avalanche range yet! Your intel is FUCKED, man!

Concordat: Evasive-

Michael Thane: I'm on it, but this UFO is massive. It must be thirty meters across!

Director Ulysses: A ship like that should have a leader on it. That's why we need you to bring it down!

Concordat: It's not hard to hit this thing, but I don't think it's doing any good!

Michael Thane: Last missiles are away!

Concordat: Oh shit, it's a-

Michael Thane: All missiles have impacted, the bogey is still operational! Repeat, the bogey is-

Director Ulysses: Interceptor Two, come in.


Director Ulysses: Interceptor One, come in.


Director Ulysses: Interceptors One or Two, can you read me?


Director Ulysses: Concordat. Michael. Come in. Can you read me?



Director Ulysses: Interceptors One or Two, can you read me?






Lost Lore posted:

McGuffin's Mental Log

"Jubblies?" what the hell?

get a penthouse kid, or juggs, or ebony... the lady on page thirteen has stretchmarks and bad implants for christ sakes

Damnit! 'Nother UFO.

Gotta remember to educate these fools on the importance of quality over quantity later.

Huh? Yeah sure you can have it.

Wait, where'd the Captain go?

Dexanth posted:

Diary of L. Takakumi, Audio entry, 3/11/99

Oooh, there are so many things to write about! I'm feeling all bubbly like when I finished whipping up my first batch of LSD when I was six! My father was so proud, and I was even happier when he said I could test it to ensure its potency, rather than him! That was a fun day.

And this is no different! Let's see, uhm, drat, where should I begin.

Well, first off, my dinner with Dominic went so very differently from what I had intended. I mean, sure, he was moderately attractive - Well, other than being of inferior ancestry - But other than that, I fully anticipated weaving him around my thumb with ease! I was going to get him slightly drunk and thus have a minion for my successes.

Instead, well, uhm...he's much sweeter and oh so very delicious in person. And of course, Luigi made lovely lasagna as always, and Ms. Cuddles approved of her small side of steak he always gives her. I imagine she enjoyed the mouse she caught later, as well, but Luigi says she needs to eat those in the kitchen because some people may not understand that that's just what kitties need. Dommy had some weird veggy dish, with eggplant, and frankly I can't quite understand it, but oh well! The only problem was that he went and brought that scotch with him. I'd ordered wine, of course, and it would have been impolite to refuse a drink offer, and I do think I had a bit too much. Before long I was telling him how very much Markus vexated me, about my suspicions of him plagiarizing my paper from age 12, and most embarrassing, what Wren had called me in his diary.

But it turned out quite well - Dommy became quite angry at that, and he promised me that I'd be receiving the most delightful present soon!

Mm, and next, there was - Oh, my, yes! I was fiddling with alien weaponry as always, because that's delightfully fun, and I've finally figured out how they work! I accidentally destroyed the computer containing the only copy of my research notes on tritinium-elerium phase shielding which would have rendered incoming plasma fire harmless, and I was using the last of my thinking dust when I proved it so I don't think I'll be getting it back...but on the other hand, we always have an endless supply of soldiers, and Dommy promised he won't get melted like Private Wren. Not that I would want him melted, that would just be wrong, naturally! But Dommy was so concerned for his life...he's so nice! Anyways, I'll be demonstrating how to operate later tomorrow, and then we should be ready to give the aliens a little taste of their own hot high-phase state of matter death!

And then Dommy snared me out of the hallways when I was gonna go off and show everyone my breakthrough, and I was initially mad until he told me what the pilots were attempting to shoot down. I hadn't had time to see the scans, or else I could have told them not to launch, but...anyways, he gave me a present! It wasn't the one he promised days ago, but it was the most wonderful surprise. Like toys have felt good and there have been other things that feel better, but...well, I'm just glad what they say about his people wasn't true because I'm a very small girl and I'll just leave it at modest is best! Though his tongue....mmm. Even M- scratch that, recorder re-Oh yes, I forgot! I was talking with Allen earlier, he can be so very sweet for a Sectoid, and he mentioned that he believed he knew the working of their propulsion and navigation systems.

When he shows me that, it will be a most simple matter of improving upon said designs to create a fighter craft of unrivaled power! And then when I go request a promotion from Commander R. U. Sirius *Several seconds of giggling* I will bring Dommy and lay out exactly why R&D would be better under my benevolent oversight! And Ms. Cuddles, stop looking so jealous! No, I am not going to apologize! Honestly, you can be so very - Oh, stop recording!

Audio Log, End