The Let's Play Archive

X-COM: UFO Defense

by GuavaMoment


Chapter 16: Wherein I Again Steal Jokes From 'Red vs. Blue' and 'Space: Above and Beyond'

: That's all of February recorded, good going so far.

: There were a lot of small UFO missions from here on out, do you want me to go through all of them in great detail?

: No, you can provide just the highlights. That'll serve my needs.

: Good! Well continuing on, I had just read the month's reports when we got word that we'd shot one down in the desert. No one had a chance to get their new equipment.


UFO-14, Saudi Arabia

Waddle Dee operating the tank

Otto Zander, Nick Buntline, Roar, Sugary, Gruff McGuffin, Crunch Buttsteak, Loden Taylor, Fangz, Terashell, X-Future attending

Terashell: Okay, who landed this thing.

Fangz: That was me Sir! I actually applied to be an Interceptor pilot, but they made me a soldier instead.

Terashell: That might have something to do with you LANDING THE SHIP ON A GIGANTIC SAND DUNE.

Waddle Dee: Hey, if you two don't mind, I've found some Sectoids.

Nick Buntline: OH GOD A SNAKE!

Nick Buntline: It's okay guys, I got it! So does this count as a kill on my record? I'd like to make Commander some day, and every bit helps!

Terashell: UUUUUGGGGHHH, ROOKIES! Each new batch is worse than the last one...

Sugary: Fangz, what the hell did you land on?

Fangz: It's not my fault! Tera said he wanted me to land near the UFO!


Crunch Buttsteak: So was I supposed to help or something? I'm new.

Sugary: *sigh* Rookies. Here's the UFO, it's uh....huh, look at that. That sand is just...floating there.

Sugary: That's even more fucked up that what we landed on.

Waddle Dee: You think that's weird?

Waddle Dee:There's a floating piece of desert over here. Can you all see it? It's casting a shadow and everything.

: Zander?

: Yes?

: You're not taking this seriously now. I need that to stop.

: Fine. These missions are all the same, I was just playing around with you for fun.

: I don't have a sense of humor.


Casualty: Fangz

: Jeez. The one we captured was just a soldier, we got nothing useful out of him. There was some good news though-

: My promotion meant higher security clearance. I didn't see the word "censored" a whole lot after this.

: I think it was the next day when we detected another UFO. An intact one in Spain.


UFO 15 - Spain Waddle Dee operating the tank Otto Zander, Nick Buntline, Roar, Sugary, Gruff McGuffin, Crunch Buttsteak, Loden Taylor, Terashell, X-Future, The Deadly Hume attending

Terashell: Guess what guys?


Terashell: Now here's how this mission is-

Nick Buntline: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Terashell! You're black?!

Sugary: He's what?!

Roar: No way!

Terashell: Uh - YeeaAAAAHhhhh! My name IS 'Dominic Maxwell' in case you assholes forgot!

Loden Taylor: Is that a stereotypical black name?

Otto Zander: Hey, don't ask me, I'm from Austria, I don't know anything about those people.

Terashell: Listen you cock-blocking sons of French whores... If the next words out of your collective mouths aren't "Sorry, sir, we'll shut up now, sir," I am putting you all on point against a mass of Sectoids with naught but the Lord gave you and a big white sign with red letters that says 'Probe me! I love it!' And if you survive I'm sending you Dr. Takakumi to help with her exper-

Nick Buntline: -and to be honest, the brown doesn't really go well with that hideous blue armor.

X-Future: I've seen you shower Tera, and you certainly don't have muscles like what the armor suggests. Someone took a creative license with the design I suppose?

Crunch Buttsteak: The blue makes you stand out from the rest of us like a sore thumb too. I thought you were worried about alien snipers and shit taking you out? Wearing that armor isn't very smart for you being our C.O..

Terashell: I can't believe this. I'm in a squad where I'd rather shoot my own soldiers, than the enemy!

Gruff McGuffin: ANYWAY, so you all see the "King-of-the-world" floater there?

Crunch Buttsteak: I got it!

Crunch Buttsteak: Missed!

Crunch Buttsteak: Dammit!

Crunch Buttsteak: COME ON! Say, how many shots do we get to take before they begin to retaliate?

Terashell: *grumble* It is kind of a queer looking armor...

The Deadly Hume: Finally got it, we can move on!

The Deadly Hume: Shit, Floater!

The Deadly Hume: INCOMING!

The Deadly Hume: Huh? What the heck?

Terashell: The fuck was that noise?

Terashell: What happened to this Floater Engineer? Why is it unconscious?

The Deadly Hume: Engineer? How can you tell?

Terashell: It's wearing a ring on its pinky finger...claw...thing.

The Deadly Hume: What!?

Terashell: Never mind about that, it looks like we found out what this strange weapon is. Some kind of stun bomb launcher!

Terashell: AND GUESS WHO GETS TO OPEN THE UFO DOOR. It's you, Rookie!

Nick Buntline: I have a name Sir. It's Nick.

Terashell: No, it's 'Meat'. Door time.

Nick Buntline: Fuck fuck fuck!

Otto Zander: You're good Nick, I got this side clear!


Nick Buntline: You have the armor, shouldn't you-

Terashell: NOW.

Nick Buntline: Hate you Terashell.

: I was really impressed with Nick here. Two Floaters were ready to kill him, and he had only a split second to react.

: He killed the one on his right first. This gave the other one a chance to fire back.

That's what Nick wanted.

: It was another Engineer with one of those "Small Launchers".

: Nick went down, but Terashell woke him up with a bunch of stimulant injections from his med-kit. I do recall he wasn't exactly delicate with the micro-needle though. Nonetheless, thanks to Nick, we had captured two live Floaters for the first time, both engineers. We thought they were going to help us with reverse-engineering UFO designs. It's a terrible tragedy it didn't work out like that.


Casualty: Crunch Buttsteak

: UFOs sixteen through eighteen were all of the 'very small' size. Sixteen and Seventeen were detected simultaneously, and it was one of the few times we had to send out both our pilots at once. I know Michael Thane was glad to get some flight time in; Concordat had been our main pilot since we started. Between the two of them, all three were destroyed.

: So things were going good then? I'm beginning to recognize the pattern with that. What kind of horrible things happened to contrast that next?


Terashell posted:

From: Captain D.T. Maxwell
To: Director R. Ulysses, Dr. R. Markus
CC: Dr. L. Takumi

Re: Research objectives

It has come to my attention that we are still at a loss as to why exactly the aliens are attacking us. We have analyzed several of their weapons, and put some of their own technology to use. However, without knowing why exactly these beings are menacing us, we cannot hope to win this war, and we are at war here.

I would suggest that we could use an improved stunning method, perhaps the same one used by the "floater" race, as our current weaponry is unsuited to alien biology it seems. An upgrade in these capabilities would allow the capture of an alien leader, which would prove intensely useful. In addition to researching the launchers recovered, I highly suggest interrogating the engineers as to the processes used in UFO engines. This would allow us to reverse engineer the UFOs we have captured, and mount a more formidable air defense until such time as we are capable of mounting an offense.

A proper interrogation of a leader would allow us to gain knowledge as to their plans. If we knew what their plans were, we could fight them more effectively.

As an addendum, while I appreciate the addition of improved armor for our forces, I believe the statement Dr. Markus made regarding protection in the rear-quarter was unprofessional. It appears to be a personal jab at my well-being and unfortunate injury several weeks ago.

As a further addendum, I have submitted a note to the armory for my armor to be repainted a different color, and several of the rookies are currently undergoing punishment for insubordination.

Playing Log: Captain Dominic "Terashell" Maxwell - March 2nd, 1999 - XCOM Facility Early Light

Hahahaha... Those rookies'll remember not to mess with the Captain again... I don't think of my methods as extreme. Just playful, really. We're getting better at taking these suckers out, and two captured floater engineers are a major bonus.

Ohshi, I have to get ready for dinner! She never got back to me about the Scotch, so I'll just bring along a flask anyway...

Log ends.


Terashell posted:

Playing Log - Captain Dominic "Terashell" Maxwell - TIMESTAMP LOST - XCOM Facility Early Light

I had a strange dream last night. Must've been the "ah ni may" one of the rooks had me watch... Was pretty damn epic, and I'm thinking maybe my dream had the right idea.

I'll have to rummage through the stores and see if one of the R&D eggheads can make the glasses... Maybe Lily will help...

Image found attached to log:

Who the hell do you think I am?!

Log ends


Crunch Buttsteak posted:

Extracted from the audio log of X-Com Operative "Crunch Buttsteak" from March 2nd, 1999


End of log

(Seriously, the only casualty? )


Allen Wren posted:

From the desk of Pvt. (???) A. Wren, cleaning closet three, subsection sixteen, section two, X-COM.

NOTE TO SELF: Why was the Doctor smiling so damn much today? Big goofy grin on her face, the moment I stepped in. I doubt she's hot for me, but, hey. Who's gonna argue if she is, yaknowhatimean? I really gotta watch my ass, though. I got yanked by my collar yesterday, almost dragged down to the hangars before that sergeant figured out I wasn't a soldier. Me, in combat? That's bullshit right there. Official. Bull. Shit, people.