****** WARNING: READ *****
Talk about belts or zippers is henceforth outlawed in this thread and result in the next update being pushed back a day. You have been warned.
****** FOREWORD *****
Yes, I have an addiction. Why hasn't there been an intervention, yet? Thanks a lot, pricks.
Today's topic of discussion is Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII. The title is a third-person shooter spin-off/sequel to 1997's Final Fantasy VII. It was released exclusively for Sony Playstation 2 in 2006. It stars everyone's favorite gun wielding goth optional character which nobody ever used - Vincent Valentine. No, I don't know why they made the game either...
With that said... Let's address a few questions that are likely popping into your head at the moment:
What of who now...?
A fine question.
1. a funeral song or tune, or one expressing mourning in commemoration of the dead.
2. any composition resembling such a song or tune in character, as a poem of lament for the dead or solemn, mournful music.
Cerberus is the three headed hellhound guardian of the underworld. It is also the name of Vincent's gun. So, basically Vincent is a rather emo fellow and he kills lots of people. Simple, no?
I liked Final Fantasy VII...will I like this?
No. No, you will not. I wasn't joking with the title of the thread. It's set in Final Fantasy VII's world. It has Final Fantasy VII's characters. But it has fuck all to do with much anything that happened in it. It's basically a new plot forcefully built atop the original game. Very forcefully. With a jackhammer.
That...doesn't sound too hot. Well, the characters from FF7 show up, right? I can't wait to see some Cloud ass kicking!
Yes, everyone still alive from the game shows up...for a cameo, at least. Other than Vincent, the most important characters are Yuffie...and Cait Sith...
Again, I have no clue what the thought process for this title was, either. It is a part of the "Compilation of Final Fantasy VII".
The what of who?
Read that as
Zack? The Turks? Nibelheim? I liked Final Fantasy 7 but I was also about fourteen the last time I played it. My memory is a bit fuzzy. Who the hell were those guys?
No worries, it's been a good seven years since I played it too. Unfortunately, Dirge of Cerberus assumes you played the game last week, watched Advent Children yesterday, did some supplemental reading, and committed everything to memory.
But, fear not. Thanks to the wealth of obsessive fans of the game and its derivatives, I will be chiming in to explain the more obscure terms that crop up. I'll at least assume you're familiar with the cast of the original game and the gist of how it ended, so as not to be redundant.
So, is the game fun, at least?
No. No it is not. It is poorly paced, has barebones gunplay, the controls are awkward, there are lukewarm RPG elements, and it's riddled with cutscenes.
Metacritic clocks it in at a healthy 57% I'd say they're being generous.
Oh... Well, the plot is good at least...right?
The plot is... How can I put this...? Ten kinds of batshit with a healthy, healthy dose of retarded.
So, basically it's my specialty. Without further ado, let's get started...
Table of Contents
- Episode 0: Dirge of Cerberus Refresher
- Episode I: The End of Final Fantasy VII. The Beginning of Stupidity
- Episode II: The Internet Proves to Truly be Serious Business
- Episode III: How NOT to Design an Action Game
- Episode IV: Of Elves and Goatees
- Episode V: Cait Shit
- Episode VI: PBS
- Episode VII: Dukes of Midgar
- Episode VIII: Shadowfox
- Episode IX: Eyedrops
- Episode X: Snipers, Escorts, and Pixel Hunts! Oh, my!
- Episode XI: Make Over
- Episode XII: Why We Cannot Have Nice Things
- Episode XIII: Poor Planning
- Episode XIV: The Revelation of Stairs in the House
- Episode XV: Copyright Infringement
- Episode XVI: Big Guns
- Episode XVII: The Pits
- Episode XVIII: I Have a Sneaking Suspicion...
- Episode XIX: The Holodeck is Malfunctioning Again
- Episode XX: M-M-Monster Kill
- Episode XXI: Kano
- Episode XXII: Lucrecia the Slut
- Episode XXIII: Parole
- Episode XXIV: CTU
- Episode XXV: Beetles, Emu, and Copy-and-Pasting
- Episode XXVI: Aeris Dies
- Episode XXVII: It's Like I Never Left...
- Episode XVIII: It Just So Happens...
- Episode XXIX: Jibba-Jabba
- Episode XXX: Reunion
- Episode XXXI: A Tale of a Retarded Planet
- Episode XXXII: A Whole Minute of Gameplay!
- Episode XXXIII: Entertaining People Who Don't Have GTA4
- Episode XXXIV: Operation Market Garbage
- Episode XXXIV: Operation Market Garbage (Part 2)
- Episode XXXV: "Follow Freeman! He's More Charismatic."
- Episode XXXVI: Graveyards May Very Well Be More Fun...
- Episode XXXVII: 101 Corridors or How Rosso Got Her Groove Back
- Episode XXXVIII: Disjointed Narrative
- Episode XXXIX: Frankenstein's Level Design
- Episode XL: Improper Use of Firearms
- Episode XLI: Remember That One Time We Learned Nothing From a Flashback?
- Episode XLII: Gates of Light
- Episode XLIII: The Grim Adventures of Dr. Valentine
- Episode XLIV: I Want You Inside Me
- Episode XLV: Ruining the Moment
- Episode XLVI: The Final Flashback
- Episode XLVII: Dirge For the Thread
- Episode XLVIII: Darkness Came
- Episode XLIX: Italian Spider-Man
- Episode L: Shyamalan
- Episode LI: Monologue
- Episode LII: Hope You Didn't Heal!
- Episode LIII: Tight Fit
- Episode LIV: Flights of Fancy
- Episode LV: Remember That One Time Where...
- Episode LVI: Cybering
- Episode LVII: Rooting For the Home Team
- Episode LVIII: AMV
- Episode LIX: Wait... What?
- Episode LX: The Final Fantasy
- Episode LX.5: The Final Fantasy (Part 2)
- Epilogue: Hate... Hate! HATE!!!