Part 19: Hitting Things, But Like, REALLY Hard

PART 19 - Hitting Things, But Like, REALLY Hard



Alright! Max won by overwhelming majority, and I'm pretty pleased about that. Less Andy is always good.

...I must admit, I might somewhat miss making fun of him. Anyway...



Let's begin the next mission! Apparently, we strike, so, uh, let's get to it!



OK, this map looks busy. I see water there, and some naval units... interesting.



First I'm probably going to want to-



Every god damn time.

You know, to say we had such an emotional goodbye, Nell, you sure have been keeping in contact a lot.



Aw, they're friends.

...Just friends, right, Max?



Hopefully fuck off forever.



...Am I reading too much into this or



Nell please don't lie to the poor man

Without his ACO, that is, me, he is NOTHING.



A perfect time to get this gem back out.



The only 'passing' Andy will do is passing away.

BOOM.



Wait, what? Nell didn't even talk to me! I'm here too, Nell...



And so, the mission begins. We have a couple of new recruits to meet, one of which is right here: meet the Elvin Entente!

"Aye, we ready to roll?" asks Lloyd of the Lloyd Lads aboard the battleship.

Selena, in her submarine, opens transceiver lines. "Hearing you loud and clear, captain. Shall we?"

"Indeed! Elvin, start attackin' the opposition, arr!"

"Right away, captain!" a frilly voice says over the transceiver. "Anything for you! My name is Elvin, everyone, and I'm a subordinate of the brave and dashing Captain Lloyd... his eyes are just... sorry! Getting distracted..."

"Aye, so I see..." sighs Lloyd. "Just... hop to it, Elvin."



Elvin hops to it.

So, before we get started with combat, I'll explain my plan. The map extends down slightly to reveal the HQ in the bottom right. On a practise run (just the one, actually, this is my second attempt at this map) I noted that all of Olaf's units charge here. So, my land units will be hanging back and taking on enemies as they come, whilst in the water, I'll be using the Balthazar Boat over there to ferry an infantry unit round to the HQ whilst it's undefended.

Of course, there's several battleships between me and victory, so the job of Elvin, Selena and Lloyd will be to weaken and destroy them as quickly as possible. Their range is large enough to target some of the units on land, too, so it's vital we weaken them to the point that their damage is useless.



Like so. God damn, Max makes things hit hard.



This is the range we're dealing with, hence why I want to reduce this ship's attack power drastically. I don't want to have to worry about this whilst taking on Olaf's medium tanks and the like.



Today's infantry units are Barold and Alfonse. I decided it had been a while since they'd been let out into the field. Barold heads to the Balthazar Boat to begin proceedings.



When I said all of Olaf's units charge, I meant it - even the ships will come to us. One thing to note about Max is that his ranged units have their range reduced by one.



Like all ranged units, the battleships can't move and attack, so I'm safe moving Balthazar over here. We need to head to the other side as soon as possible before my ground forces are overwhelmed.



...Just to make doubly sure that the weakened ship doesn't target anyone important, I stick Michael in range.

I promise I'll stop relying on Michael at some point.



Tina helps complete a wall - we're out of range of everything, but near enough that next turn, we can descend on them like a pack of wolves.

"You know, I'm feeling fired up!" Tina says, grinning as she spots Max in the distance. "Yeah, this Max guy understands how strong I am. I'm looking forward to this."

"I don't see what's so special about him." mutters Wilbert, casting his eyes down. "He's just a dumb jock."

"Hey, he's handsome." Tina replies. "I like a guy who knows his way around a tank!"



Wilbert sighs, and begins to fiddle with his artillery. He shuts off communication for a moment. "God dammit... is she seriously into him?"

"You're overreacting." another Wilbert replies. "Let's just help out as best we can."

But the Wilbert Warriors evidently have their mind elsewhere, and are not fighting as effectively as usual.



Alright, let's go. Olaf, it's been a mission or two since we fought, it's good to have you back.

By which I mean, I am going to fucking end you.





Blue-tiful?

...I'm sorry.





OK, usually I don't mind people blustering about their strength before a battle but statistically, MAX IS STRONGER THAN YOU. THE FUCK, OLAF.



Ahahah! Hi, Grit, wasn't expecting you.



He made a cold joke! And correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the first one. Did I really go nineteen parts without making a snow joke?



I will sink them all.



I had to do a double-take here, but no, he's talking shit. There aren't any air units in this fucking mission.

What the hell, Olaf?



I mean, if that's all you need, maybe you need some bombers.

...Since, again, there are none.

Hey, Olaf, what's the best stat in RPGs?



Well, folks, the man has spoken.



What amuses me about Grit is that he basically says to Olaf what I usually say to Nell/Andy. He's basically Blue Moon's my dude.



The battleship takes the Michael bait.



And does absolutely worthless damage.



As you can see, the rest of Olaf's troops just meander towards us.

Mincemeat for the grinder.



Alright, I have three units, and there are three undamaged battleships. Lloyd fires on the southmost one.



...Max's indirect combat really does leave something to be desired.



The Elvin Entente approach and attack another ship.



Down to 2! With three ships on 2HP and one at 5HP, I can't see them doing that much damage to anything at all.



Selena does the same to the last ship. Right, now that the naval bullshit is sorted out...



Holy shit. Even Barry does some solid damage to tanks here. This is great! I don't go through with this particular move yet - I need to make best use of my firepower to spread it evenly enough that I finish everything dangerous off.



The Fred Fusiliers begin proceedings.



"Damn..." says Fred. "Why am I feeling like I'm not doing as well as I usually do?"

"Eh, it's that Max guy. Not got the dexterity to properly tell us how to do our job." Wilbert says. Fred looks at him curiously.

"I get the sense that you just don't like him."

"Don't be stupid." mutters Wilbert, glaring at the ground.



Right, NOW we do this with the Barry Band.



Max really does pack a punch! I really wanna like him, so I'm going to assume that him and Nell are just good friends. That way nobody has to die.

...I mean, I won't kill someone for liking Nell

that'd be ridiculous



The Eric Echelon rolls out to help.



And help they do! Once we've taken out these two tanks, I can let our medium tanks completely decimate the enemy medium tank.



Come on, Bill. Help out.



Alright, there we go.



"Here we go!" Tina says, a fire blazing in her eyes. "Give 'em everything we got and a little bit more! Crush them to dust!"

Wilbert watches her appreciatively. "She really isn't afraid of anything, huh..?"



The Tina Team utterly decimate the enemy. Was anyone surprised?



The other medium tank rolls forward, and as it comes past, everyone remembers that they've not met this person before. They are then surprised as a small child's pale hair and features exit the top of the leading tank, and a little girl with bags under her eyes glances around.

"Allow me to eradicate the offending article." the girl says.

"The fuck?" Balthazar says over the radio. "Was that a little girl's voice?"

"Quiet, Balthazar." the girl responds, then directs her tanks towards the enemy medium tank. "I am Rose, chief officer of the Rose Rank. I presume that you are mortified to discover a child on the battlefield; perhaps you wish to extricate me and take me to safety, but I assure you, I am a tactical and military prodigy in every sense of the word."

"They really do let anyone into this army, don't they?" sighs Barold.

"I'm more concerned as to how she knew my name from just my voice." says Balthazar, his face white with terror. "It couldn't be- no... surely not."



Our new friend Rose utterly destroys the foe. Two girls, two tanks, big numbers! Here we go!



Admittedly, they are in range of asshole number 1



And asshole number 2.



Asshole number 3 is here also but moderately less threatening.

Welp, there's only one way to deal with all these overlapping enemy ranges.



If you guessed the answer was "bullshit AI fuckery", you're entirely correct.



Alright, Olaf, hit me.



...Huh. He got his special off in one turn? I evidently did a lot of damage this turn, wow.



This could be troublesome. Not for my land units, but for Balthazar. Snow also slows the movement over the oceans, annoyingly.



It looks pretty, though, so there's that.

Now, how are Olaf's units going to take advantage of their one turn of increased power and helpful terrain?



...Yep. Classic Olaf.



In order to conserve HP, the battleships all join and form an almost-new battleship which unfortunately has used up its turn. So, uh, this makes my job a lot easier. Two ships is easier to completely ruin than four.



Speaking of two ships, the other one does the thing we expected it to do.



It does 2HP damage this time! That's exciting.



Damn, I forgot to actually weaken that artillery. Hopefully Michael survives this.



AND HE BRINGS IT HOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

BY THE SKIN OF HIS FUCKING TEETH



My turn. I should be able to clear the naval area today.



"Direct hit, buckoes!" grins Lloyd. "Balthazar Boat, get yerself in gear and head for the beach!"

"Yeah, yeah." Balthazar murmurs, his mind still on the strange girl who knew his name. He keeps glancing left and right, as if expecting to see something he doesn't expect.



The Selena Set moves in on the last ship.



Still shy of a kill? Dammit. Come on, Elvin.



Elvin comes on.

"I sure would like to come on L-" Elvin starts, but one of the other Elvins slaps him.



And there's a kill! Balthazar is entirely free to ferry Barold to the beach now.



Up north, I get everyone to move back - this formation should make some of the tanks try to harm my medium tanks, and then we can corner and crush them.



The snow clears....



And Olaf's turn rolls around. That really is a disappointingly bad CO power. I feel sorry for the guy.





Only slightly, though.



The rest of the tanks approached as expected, but didn't actually attack. Which just makes my job easier, really.



Also, one of them just squeaked into Lloyd's range, so I'm obviously going to take advantage of that.



Who said that Max's indirect combat wasn't good?

...Oh, right. That was me, several moments ago.



But this unlucky tank didn't just end up in one indirect unit's range! Come on, Fred, really ruin this guy's day!



Nice.

Wilbert would help but his range is 2-2 which, frankly, is really not that useful.



The Gareth Group continue the assault. I'm saving my tanks until last, so they can deal with the biggest threats.



I like bullying ranged units at close range.



The Bill Battalion- hooooly shit that's a lot of damage



Oh, that was satisfying. My god, and that was just a regular tank!



It is about halfway through this turn, when most of my units have moved, that I remember that I have a CO power I've not used yet.

So, uh, let's do that.



"I'm using 'shot', singular, because most of the units have shot their shot already. Thanks, my dude."



MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE



I...

What unholy power am I seeing here.

Is Tina actually about to



TINA JUST ONE-SHOT A FUCKING MEDIUM TANK. HOOOOLY SHIT, MAX IS MY NEW FAVOURITE CO.

"I JUST ONE-SHOT A FUCKING MEDIUM TANK." says Tina into the transceiver. "HOLY SHIT, MAX IS MY NEW FAVOURITE CO."

"God damn it." Wilbert mutters to himself.

Rose slides past Tina in her tank and glances sidelong at her. "You really call that damage?"



"That's just overkill, though!" Tina yells. "Anything over 100% is useless!"

Rose shrugs. "Team, prepare to eliminate the threat. Leave not an iota of them on the field."



Tina glares at the tiny girl in her tank. "...Grr..."



Since Eric's not doing anything, I somewhat annoy this tank.



That went well.



Only day four? I've virtually wiped out his forces.

Oh, fuck. Which means-



Two CO powers in four days. That's gotta be some kind of record for stupidly high damage.



Olaf's ready to make a comeback! Watch his fellow soldiers advance!



Shine on, you funky little diamond.



This guy tries his best.



It is not nearly enough.



Alright, day five! Let's just clear things up. I don't think the Balthazar strat is necessary at this point - I've almost wiped out Olaf's forces entirely.



Of course, I'm still going to do it. You never know when plans might go awry.



...But somehow, I don't think we're going to have a problem.



The Rose Rank murder a tank in cold fucking blood.

I mean, uh, the Rose Rank beat the enemies in this fun kid's game!



Determined now not to be shown up, Tina goes for the nearest enemy she can in the hopes of one-shotting it.



Even with a city buff, the infantry dies immediately. Enemies probably kill themselves when they see Tina approaching, honestly.



With nothing better to do, Eric just kinda attacks this guy. The threats of the map are all gone - the cleanup is usually just busywork.



...God damn it, Eric. Be like Tina and Rose!



Bill understands what a one-shot is. See that 99%, Eric? That's what we want.



Perfect. Bill gets to eat today.

I mean, uh, I feed all my units.



In a bid to give Alfonse something to do this map, I move Gareth (who you will note is a mech and could have easily dealt with this guy) up to allow Alfonse a shot at the enemy.



Aaaaaaand Alfonse just added a whole entire day onto proceedings.



Fuck you, Alfonse. I am trying to give you a chance to prove yourself and this is what you do?



Come on, Olaf, do... actually, what is the artillery gonna do?



Ah, retreat. Of course.



Day six. Thanks to someone.



I drop Barold off, mostly out of spite.

Right, time to do the ol' Fire Emblem Triangle Attack But With Four Tanks.



"Ready? Triangleeeeeeee... Attaaaaaaaaack!" Tina yells, and opens fire.



The tanks utterly ruin the artillery.

Tina stares at her handiwork with a grin. "How was that, Rose?"

Rose sighs and rolls her eyes. "Perfectly acceptable, one supposes. Now then, could we focus on returning to base now that the mission has surceased?"



Max... you're alright in my book. Just keep your hands off Nell and we should make a good team!



That's unusually self-aggrandising of you, Andy. What's the catch?



I'm inclined to agree. This guy does stupid damage and I love it.



Of course this smug little shit is going to bring up Max's shortcomings. At least Max has shortcomings on the field, and not the general shortcoming of "a massively smug douchebag".



Calm it, Max. Andy isn't worth the stress.





Nell, leave the big guy alone! He did really well today and even used indirect combat units several fucking times, and you're all gonna make fun of him? God damn.

That's the last time he's gonna save your ass from Olaf.



"...Nobody would mind if I just defected, right? Frankly, fuck this."



Wow, way to kick a guy whilst he's down, Nell.

Nell hasn't been her best these last few maps. Coupled with the fact that I've been holed up with Andy for so long... I miss the old Nell. When is she coming home?



Oh? Max ain't down yet.



Preach it, my man. We've got this.



Nell seriously

He did just win you an entire battle with Olaf in enemy territory in just six days

Think that you might wanna congratulate him on that instead of sassing him?



That's better.



No worries. If Andy says anything I can and will shank him immediately.



What a bro. Even after all the verbal abuse he just took.



FUCK

YOU



Nice one, that wa-

Huh? An S-rank? I didn't even know that was possible. I wonder what the requirements were and how I met them?

How intriguing.



Also more of these coins, for anybody who was wondering whether I'm getting coins. The answer is, I sure am.



"That's how we can de-ice the roads! How did I not think of it sooner?"





I love the implication that Olaf yells even in normal text. I think that's quite accurate, actually.





Ahahah, oh my god. Every line of Grit's dialogue is a fucking treasure.

Still mad about the Nell thing. But he's alright in my book.



Currently it's probably

Nell > > > Max > Grit > Eagle > Olaf > > > > > > > > Andy



Although that above list does place Andy fairly high at 6th favourite, so it may be subject to change.



Ah yes! You can see on the map that we're now fully in Blue Moon territory.



Olaf, you say this like you haven't just suffered a similarly crushing military defeat. Don't yell at your subordinates when you also can't defeat the enemy.







Ah, I love how the name "My dude" removes all the tension from a serious line of dialogue. It's truly wonderful.



I smirked at this line, I won't lie.



I then laughed aloud at this line. I'm pretty sure Olaf is the only CO we've met so far who's taking it seriously.





Time for another choice! Back to Andy, or sticking with Max? Vote in bold!

***

The Barracks: Tina and Lucy 2

There’s a knock of metal from the outside of the tank. Tina clambers out and sees a small girl knocking on the tank.

“Hiya!” Lucy chirps. Tina grins at her.

“Hey, Lucy. You alright?” she says, jumping from the tank to the ground. She’s worn out from her work fixing it up, and takes a seat on the treads. Lucy sits beside her, dangling her little legs a short way from the ground.

“Yeah! I’ve been trying to keep away from the guys. They’re all really, uh, romantically inclined at the moment. Just wanted to see if you were done with the repairs!”

“Valentine’s Day was a few weeks ago.” Tina explains. “They’ve just realised how single they all are.”

“You weren’t worried.” Lucy notes. “You got a man?”

“Me? No.” laughs Tina, leaning back and relaxing. “I have my eye out, of course… but generally, no.”

“Oh, who?” breathes Lucy, looking excitedly at Tina.

The older woman puts her wrench down and observes the workroom, empty except for the pair of them. “Hm… I mean, Wilbert caught my eye. But this is between us, alright?”

“Of course.” Lucy says, nodding.

“And Max. Man, that guy is a proper CO! None of this Nell or Andy bullcrap, he just gets right down to the damage!”

“You can swear around me, you know.” Lucy says, smiling. “But that’s cool! Do you think he’ll go for one of his subordinates?”

“Eh, probably not. He seems much more strong and direct than Wilbert though. If he asks, I’m gonna take that chance up.”

“I see.” Lucy says, her face falling. “Wilbert hasn’t asked you, then?”

“I’m afraid not. I want him to, I really do… but he’s gotta be the one to make the first move. It’s just how it has to be.”

“Well, I guess we’ll see.” murmurs Lucy. Her mind is racing.

“How about you, anyway? Got any guys catching your eye, kid?” Tina says.

Lucy shuffles in her seat and plays with her hair for a moment. “Well, um… maybe it’s just something about artillery that does it for us, but… I guess Ingo? He’s really kind to me, and we’re a similar age."

“Oh, tell me everything!” Tina replies, grinning widely with childish excitement.