Part 1: Episode 1: Drugs, Guns, and Asian Women

If you don't care to listen to the entire rant on Terrorism!, feel free to skip past the Terrorism! mark.
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Well, that was a lot of wasn't it? Think again, because the rest of the introduction is even worse. But hey, we get to change our appearance before the tutorials continue, so let's hear some suggestions.

Oh, and here are those emails I hacked: